10. Rowen

10

ROWEN

I blinked my eyes open and already knew I was in an unfamiliar place. Firstly, it smelled really good in here, and the light in the room was coming in differently than I was used to.

I turned over, the night coming back to me in pieces.

Telling Shane the truth. Melting into his arms by the Christmas tree. He’d sat next to me on the couch, occasionally running his hand along my back as I told him all of the things I’d been holding in. I told him about my childhood, my high school years, and of course, all about acting school.

Last night I hadn’t even known I’d been dozing off. As I woke up now, I realized we’d been out cold on the couch all night.

The sun had come up and was gently filtering through the curtains in Shane’s living room. He was asleep next to me on the other side of the L-shaped couch, both of us tucked under blankets, with pillows propped all around us.

I turned to look over at him in the morning light. Something funny was happening in my chest as I let my gaze linger on him.

He had been absolutely everything I’d needed the night before.

The magic hadn’t been shattered when I’d told him my truth. If anything, it had deepened. Strengthened. Like we’d come even closer than we had been before, and I’d been left wondering why the hell I hadn’t told him sooner.

Why had I been so afraid?

And why did it feel so damn good to be real with him? To share that both of us felt like the world was falling apart around us, but that together, things were moving just a little closer towards okay ?

I got up and tiptoed along the wood floorboards toward the kitchen. I got a glass of water. As I came back into the living room, I hit one of the boards at a weird angle and it creaked, loud as hell.

“Shoot,” I whispered under my breath as Shane shifted on the couch, waking up and blinking up at me.

“It’s okay,” he said.

Good God, he looked cute when he was sleepy. His hair was a mess, and as he pushed himself up on the couch, he blinked heavily.

“Your couch is too comfortable,” I murmured, sitting back down near him.

“I swear it’s even better than a bed, sometimes,” he mumbled. “Do you need anything? Coffee? Orange juice? Toast? I think I have stuff to make banana pancakes, if you want something like that.”

“I can see why you’re good at working at the inn,” I said. “Barely awake and you’re already offering me a four-course breakfast. That’s some good hospitality.”

He laughed softly, wiping at his eyes as he stood up. He went to push open the curtains in front of his living room window, and the gentle light poured in from outside.

“Whoa,” he said as we both looked out front.

Overnight, a slow snow had begun to fall.

Everything outside in the front yard was covered in a thin layer of white snow, glittering a little in the morning light. Every tree had snow all over its branches too, and down the road, I glimpsed a couple of Shane’s neighbors out with their shovels, clearing off their driveways.

“It’s so beautiful,” I said.

“God, winter is my favorite season,” Shane said quietly. “Nothing could compete with this.”

“Hey, summer barbecues and beach days are pretty good, too,” I offered. “But… I think you’re right. Winter might be the winner.”

Shane turned to grin at me, and I was struck by how good something this simple could be. His face in the morning, with his pretty eyes and easy smile. The quaint but quietly gorgeous street outside. It wasn’t the busy city lights of Manhattan, but it was… fuck , it was almost even better.

“Okay. So I’m not going to make the four-course breakfast, but I sure as hell am going to make a cup of coffee. Want one?” Shane asked.

“You know it.”

Shane dipped to pick his phone up from the coffee table, giving it a glance for the first time this morning.

Something in his eyes changed as he looked at the phone screen, an expression of shock coming over his face.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. He moved to show me his phone screen, and as he did, I saw that his hand was shaking.

It was an email.

From the Fixer Brothers, saying that they were interested in his application and would like to move on to a second round interview.

A smile spread over my face as I looked at Shane.

“Told you,” I said.

“Holy shit,” he said, looking back at his phone. “They want to do a video call interview this week . Hold on, I really need that caffeine.”

I followed him to the kitchen where he made each of us a fresh cup of coffee. We both took it with cream and sugar, and we brought the mugs back to the couch, taking sips as we looked out at the snowy world outside.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud, but when I looked over at Shane, I could tell his mind was racing.

“I’m so proud of you,” I offered. “I know that might not mean much coming from me, but I really am.”

He lifted his eyebrows. “ Proud? ”

I nodded. “You submitted your video. Made it to the second round. Most people wouldn’t even try.”

He looked out at the front yard, his eyes training on a squirrel darting across the snowy ground. “I’m not so sure I should have tried.”

“What?” I protested, setting down my coffee mug. “Are you crazy?”

“The video was just something I had to send in,” he explained. “But now I’m going to have to talk to the Fixer Brothers. I’m going to be a nervous wreck.”

“As far as I’ve seen, you’re pretty charming when you’re nervous,” I told him. “Maybe even more charming.”

Shane didn’t seem convinced. He took a swig of coffee, looking more doubtful by the moment. “What am I going to do? Fuck, I’m not even in a couple. How am I going to be convincing?”

I furrowed my brow. “Shane, I’m right here,” I said. “And I’m not going anywhere. I’ll do the interview with you, and we’re going to rock it.”

He looked like he might be about to cry. “I don’t deserve you. Or this.”

I reached over and gently took his coffee from him, setting it down on the table. “Hey. What do you think your grandma would have said? Right now, if she were here, looking at this email?”

Shane gave me a look that was the exact middle between joy and grief—I could see, all in one moment, how deeply he wished she really were here.

But at the same time, a slow smile started to spread over his face. Something lightened in him, and as he spoke, I could sense a calm in him that hadn’t been there before.

“She’d say that they were going to love me,” he explained. “That I should write back, accept the interview, and knock it out of the park.”

“She sounds like she was a very smart woman.”

He puffed out a laugh, drawing in a long breath afterward. “She was. She would have liked you a lot, too. I’m sure you guys could talk about Alexander the Great or King Henry or whatever other things history buffs know about.”

“I would have liked her, too.”

Shane had a glimmer in his eye. “Meanwhile, I would have been paying more attention to the type of hardwood Shawn and Nathan on Fixer Brothers were using.”

“All while drinking out of an I Love Lucy cup.”

God. There it was again.

That weird feeling in my chest. Like my heart was doing a little flip every time he looked at me. Why was I so drawn to him?

Maybe I didn’t need a reason.

Maybe I was under some wintertime spell every time I met his eyes, and maybe for anyone else—any other man —it would have been crazy.

But maybe I also didn’t give a damn if it was crazy when I wanted him this much.

I leaned over him on the couch, grabbing his hip as I moved in to claim his mouth in a kiss. He made a little surprised gasp as our lips met, and something about that sound only made me crave him more. My cock stirred, and suddenly I had an intense desire to get all of my clothes off, sooner rather than later.

“It’s pretty fun being your fake boyfriend,” I said, moving lower and kissing the spot on his neck behind his ear.. “I’m starting to think it’s probably pretty great dating you for real, too.”

He hummed, arching a little under my touch. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“What? Why not?” I asked, pushing back a stray piece of his hair. I kissed further down his neck, wanting to touch every inch of him.

“Because I’m kind of a needy boyfriend,” Shane murmured as I sucked a slow kiss against his neck. “Fuck, that feels good.”

“Maybe I like needy,” I said, running my palm up the front of his shirt. “Maybe I’m a little needy, too.”

I felt him get goosebumps all over the soft skin of his chest.

Truthfully, I never was needy, in the past. I’d always been more of a lone wolf when it came to things like relationships.

But when it came to Shane… I was needier than I’d ever been.

“Fuck,” he whispered as I brushed my fingertips across his nipple under his shirt. As I leaned further toward him I felt his cock rut up against my leg and realized he was just as hard as I was, and there was no hiding it now.

“Get these clothes off,” I said, dragging my free hand downward and pushing against his erection.

“If this is what you meant by needy, then I think I’m okay with that,” he said.

“See? Needy is fucking good , Shane. Tell me what you want.”

I groaned as he moved forward to crush his lips to mine. He was taking the lead, this time, kissing me like he wanted to show me exactly what he meant by needy.

And I was ready. For all of it.

“Well, you can fuck me, if you want to,” he said softly, breaking off from our kiss and glancing up at me with this not-so-innocent look in his eyes.

My cock ached like he’d literally been teasing it with his tongue, for God’s sake.

“You’d let me do that?”

“ Let you?” Shane said. “I’d beg you to.”

I groaned, reaching down to squeeze my cock through the fabric of my pants. “I—I just didn’t know. I’ve heard that it requires… getting lubed up, stretched out…”

“It does, a bit,” he said. “But if I’m being honest, I’m pretty good at taking cock.”

My skin was hot all over. I looked at him like I was a lustful animal, hanging on his every word. “Is that right?”

He nodded. His gaze skated over my face, and he bit his lower lip, knowing exactly how much he was teasing me right now.

“My bedroom’s just down the hall,” he murmured.

In a flash, I moved. I stood up, reaching down to offer Shane a hand. He stood up and led me down the hallway, heading into his bedroom. My heart was slamming in my chest. I couldn’t even remember a time I’d been in anticipation like this. It made it almost more tempting, knowing that I’d never considered fucking another guy before. I had no idea what to expect, and I really liked that.

All my life, I’d been doing things that I felt like I was supposed to do. But this? Being here with him? It was fully what I wanted. What we both wanted. Nothing felt better than that.

Like everything else in his house, his bedroom was charming as hell, with paned, curtained windows looking out over the snowy world below. As we walked in, he stripped bit by bit, tossing his pants, shirt and underwear to the ground until he was fully naked.

He looked every bit like the perfect Abercrombie guy I’d met in the bar that night. But now I knew so much more about who he really was underneath, and it only made him hotter.

“Having second thoughts?” he asked, turning his head to one side.

“Having a million thoughts about what I want to do to your body,” I said in a low voice, looking him up and down. “Most of them involving my tongue.”

I tore my own clothes off and moved closer to him, gently pushing him backward until he was sitting on the edge of his bed. I stepped between his legs, pushing them apart with my knee, and leaned over.

“You sure?” he murmured. “About all of this?”

“What, you think I’m suddenly going to remember I’m straight, freak out, and run away like I just saw a ghost?” I said, getting close to his face and kissing him gently on his temple.

He puffed out a laugh. “Maybe.”

“I want you,” I said. “And I want you to be my first time fucking another guy.”

I’d kind of be fine with you being the first and only guy I fuck, actually , I thought, but I kept it to myself.

I couldn’t see how I could possibly ever want someone else this much, but I didn’t need to let him know that right now.

His cock throbbed in front of me, the little bit of glistening precome shining in the light. “You know I like it when you talk about it being your first time .”

“I like it, too,” I said. I leaned over and kissed him deeply, letting my tongue slide out against his. “You’re giving me a whole lot of first times, Shane.”

He moaned as I let my fist close around his cock. “Want you inside me,” he uttered against my lips.

“I know you do.”

I pushed him further up onto the bed and guided him onto his stomach. He was ass-up now on the bed, and I let my palm slide against his cheeks, giving them each a squeeze.

“And I know you like being my student, too,” he said.

I let my fingertips trail along his hole and I loved the reaction it got out of him. He arched under my touch, moaning softly again.

“So start teaching me,” I said.

“Right. Yes,” he said. “Lube and condom on the bedside table. Slick up your fingers, put them in me—I mean, fuck, for all I care you can just slick up your cock and shove it in me as soon as you want, because I’m pretty sure I could take you right now like this. I don’t care if it hurts.”

“You are cute when you’re desperate,” I said. “But I’ll warm you up a little.”

I snapped open the lube and got my fingers slicked. Shane was already reaching up to grip some of his sheet in one hand, anticipating my touch. I wanted to draw it out, but I was just as impatient as he was, to be honest.

I tried two fingers, pushing past the tight ring of his hole. He gripped the sheets harder, but he seemed to like this at the same time, because he actually shoved back against my fingers, making them go deeper right away.

“God, that is good,” he said, his voice breathy.

“You’re wild,” I said. “Doesn’t that hurt?”

“I told you, I’m good at taking dick,” he said. “I can handle it.”

Fuck .

He was trying to drive me crazy. It was working so well.

I let out a low growl, enjoying the tight squeeze of him around my fingers. He craned his head backward, looking back at me for a moment with a smolder in his eyes.

“You’re giving me a look,” I said.

He bit his lower lip. “I have something I need to admit to you.”

I slowly pushed my fingers in a bit deeper. I could watch the look on his face now, and I loved seeing the small changes in his expression as he took more and more.

“Tell me,” I murmured.

He pulled in a slow breath, the slightly mischievous look returning to his face again. “You know how I had the Christmas boxer briefs?”

“Oh no. What are you about to say?”

“I may or may not also have a Christmas… toy.”

I couldn’t stop a smile from spreading over my face. Shane had the ability to make me laugh even when I was literally deep inside him.

“Something about the way you’re saying that makes me think you might have even more than one Christmas toy.”

Now he was smiling, too. “Guilty,” he said. “Third drawer down.”

I slid my fingers out of him and leaned over, immediately looking in the drawer. “Oh my God.”

He hadn’t been kidding. There was a dildo in the drawer that not only was Christmas-themed—it was a full-on candy cane, with red and green stripes all the way down the plastic. He also had various other toys, some of which I didn’t even recognize, and all at once I found myself overwhelmed and so intrigued I barely knew what to do with myself.

When I looked back at him, he had this sheepish smile on his face, which was flushed with pink. His hair was a little messed up, and the look in his eyes was pure gold.

God.

Oh, God.

I’m fucking falling for him.

It hit me all at once, like it had a while back when I realized that I really did have a crush on him.

But this was a little different. I’d gotten used to the idea of having a crush, but now my heart was beating like a drum somewhere behind my chest, and I had nowhere to direct this strange mixture of awe and nervousness and complete joy when looking at Shane.

Open a drawer, see a candy cane toy, fall for a guy?

Screw it. If that was wrong, I didn’t want to be right.

I reached for the condom on the nightstand, looking at Shane like he was the best gift I’d ever gotten.

“Get back down on that bed,” I murmured, letting my gaze trail up and down his body.

“Should I be ashamed of my little collection?”

“You should be proud,” I said, leaning over the back of his body as he lay back down on his stomach. I bent over him, pressing kisses all the way up his back. I nipped and licked at the back of his neck, drawing in the clean scent of his hair, feeling like I was in some slice of heaven.

“I guess I am proud of it,” he said. “That candy cane is the reason why I’m going to be able to take your cock more quickly, after all.”

I hummed, reaching lower to unwrap the condom and slide it on. “You should be proud of everything, Shane. Proud of your mind, your heart, your fucking perfect ass… ”

He groaned as I trailed my fingers over his hole one more time before reaching for the lube and slicking my cock.

My body was practically vibrating with anticipation. I couldn’t think of another time I’d wanted something so much. Every moment I’d spent with Shane had been like witnessing a magic trick: somehow, he’d made me feel comfortable again.

He’d made me feel comfortable being myself .

Knowing parts of myself that I’d never known before.

Exploring again.

Remembering that life wasn’t just a series of achievements and disappointments, but a gift to be shared.

I had desperately needed that. And Shane had reminded me that there was a full, warm beating heart inside me still, and that I didn’t have to give up on myself.

“How do you look so hot like this?” I murmured, dragging my aching cock over his hole without pushing inside yet.

“I think you just want to fuck someone,” he said.

I knew he was joking, but something about it hit me in a different way.

“I want to fuck you ,” I corrected him. I gripped his hip with one hand, digging my fingertips into his skin. “I’m pretty sure I’ve wanted to fuck you since the night we met, actually, but I was too clueless to realize it.”

“Is that right?” he asked in a teasing voice, shoving his hips backward a little, grinding against the tip of my cock.

My heart slammed inside me. “Yes, Shane,” I said, my voice low and hoarse.

I pushed forward a little, finally letting the tip push inside him. He whispered my name in a low tone and it only made me want to give him more. I gripped his hips hard as I slowly pushed inside him. God, his grip was tight. Tight and hot and holy fuck , it was the best thing my cock had ever felt.

I went slow even though I knew he could take it. Inch by inch, I watched myself disappear inside of him. But it was only a little while before Shane started working his hips again, gently rocking back and forth in a rhythm, practically pulling me in deeper.

If I didn’t have a tiny bit of self-control I could have come just from that. The way Shane looked, moving along my cock, showing me exactly how much he could take. It seemed like he couldn’t help it, and I really liked that.

“Want you,” Shane said in a breathless whisper. “Want you so goddamn bad.”

“Trust me,” I told him, “you have me.”

I pushed further into him until the base of my cock met his ass, and he let out a low groan, his body going a little bit slack beneath me.

“ Fuck , that is good,” he said.

“Does it hurt?”

“Only a little,” he said. “And I love it, to be honest. You can fuck me. Don’t be scared.”

“You are so tight,” I said, my own voice a little wobbly. I pulled out and then pushed back in, groaning at the gripping feeling. I kept pace for a few minutes, letting myself sink into the feeling—sink into him —trying to process how I could enjoy something this much.

I pulled out slowly, and when my cock was out of him, he whimpered like he missed it.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Can you… turn over, maybe? So I can see you?”

He flipped onto his back, looking up at me. Fucking hell, if I thought he was flushed before, it was nothing compared to his face now, pink and hot and… well, like he’d been fucked.

So. Damn. Hot.

“Lift my hips up,” he said, scooting lower on the bed.

Already, I could tell how much I liked this. He was facing me now, and being over him like this already felt good, and I wasn’t even back inside him yet.

I grabbed him beneath his hips, using my strength to hoist up his ass from the bed a little. He spread his legs for me, and I pushed one leg up so that I could find an angle to line up with his hole again.

“Like that,” he said, nodding once at me, his pretty blue eyes locked on mine. “Right there.”

I spread him open and pushed inside him again, my eyes fluttering shut for a moment as I felt him grip around me again.

“Perfect,” I said as I let my eyes open again, looking down at him. “Fuck, I really wanted to see you.”

“I like looking at you, too, not going to lie,” he murmured.

I leaned over him, closing the gap so that I could claim his mouth in a kiss even as I was fucking him.

And that was exactly what I had wanted. Needed. I wasn’t sure how kissing him felt like it rocketed my arousal up like it was going into outer space, but that was exactly how it was to have my lips on his.

As he moaned I could hear it right up close. He was moaning into my mouth as his tight hole squeezed around my cock, and my whole body was melting into one big cloud of pure sensation.

“I needed this,” I uttered, barely aware of what I was babbling as I fucked him faster. “I needed you so badly.”

He had no idea how much I meant it.

I’d needed him today, yes. But I’d also needed him in my life. There was no denying that anymore.

“You feel amazing—Jesus Christ ,” he whispered. I felt him reaching down to his cock in the space between us, starting to desperately stroke himself. “You’re going to make me come.”

“I’m close,” I murmured. “It’s so good, Shane—”

Shane’s body clenched up below me, and as he began to come, it only made his ass tighten further around me, sending me into overdrive. A string of incoherent swearing left my mouth as I fucked him hard and deep, feeling myself draw closer to the edge.

And then he moaned deeply as he came, looking right into my eyes.

I couldn’t resist those eyes.

I lost control, filling the condom deep inside him, my body feeling like jelly as I let the sensation crash over me.

Nothing in my life had felt quite like it. Something had shifted inside me, small but also colossal. The tightness of him around me, sure, but also the pure sense of belonging. There was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be. No person I could have imagined being more comfortable with. I’d known him for a relatively short amount of time, but I felt so right with him. Like something clicked into place, anytime I was near him.

It was perfect. And for once, I didn’t give a damn about doubting it.

I was going to let myself enjoy it. Because what else did I have to lose?

I was still breathing hard as I pulled out of him, tossing away the condom and cleaning us both off a little with some tissues from the nightstand. He was lying back on the bed in his hottest fallen-angel style, arms above his head and a serene look on his face.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him.

I love this.

I want more.

Is any of this for real?

Instead I just breathed deep, giving him a small smile and a little squeeze on the thigh before lying down beside him.

“How’d I do, teacher?” I asked.

Both of us slowly laughed, catching our breath. The snow was gently falling outside again past the window, and for a moment I felt like I was floating midair.

“You get a solid A,” he said.

“Not an A-plus?” I teased. “Well, clearly I need to work harder next time.”

I let the last two words hang between us, hoping he would take the bait.

Will there be a next time, Shane? Would you want that just as fucking badly as I would, or is this still just all pretend?

“I’m pretty sure Harvey is going to hang me if I don’t show up for work soon,” he said, and part of the magic in the air disappeared.

“Wait,” I said. “You have to go into work today?”

“Yup,” he told me. “He’s pretty lenient on snow days, though. He won’t mind that I’m fifteen minutes late.”

“You let me fuck you like that when you had to be at work?” I said, propping myself up on my elbow. “Come on. Let’s go. I don’t want to make you late.”

He lifted his eyebrows. “Trust me, doing this with you was worth it. I needed a good fuck.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “Well, I’m glad I could provide. But I don’t want to screw up your work life. Get up. I’ll get dressed and head out, too.”

Shane sighed. “You’re too kind to me, Rowen,” he said.

Because I care about you, I thought, something tightening a little in my throat. Way more than I even realized.