Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Lucas

Well, this is a fine fucking mess.

I drove one hundred and three miles after leaving Madeline's house last night. I know I drove one hundred and three miles because I turned around one mile ahead of my destination. If I'd gone that last mile, I would be kissing Joanne goodbye right now and the two of us would pretend I would call her or she would call me.

Neither of us would call. And another month or two would pass before I would show up at her door. And we would spend another mostly meaningless night together. It would be mostly meaningless because there would be no obligation and no future in it. It wouldn't be completely meaningless because Joanne does this dance with me because she hopes someday there might be a future.

I've known that for seven months now.

And I think taking advantage of her by showing up is the evilest thing I can do.

And so, I've managed to keep myself from showing up for the last six months. I've never been so desperate for intimacy that I'm willing to hurt her that way. Last night, I came very, very close.

I might be proud of myself for holding back if not for the fact that I'm most definitely fucked to high Hell right now. I made that drive because of what almost happened at Madeline's house. If she hadn't come to her senses, who the Hell knows what today might be?

But she did come to her senses.

And that made me come to my senses.

But in the process, it also made things very apparent to me. I'm hung up on this spoiled brat. I'm hung up on her. She's the worst kind of entitled in that she doesn't understand that she's entitled. She has a good heart, of course. She really does want to make the world a better place. I think that desire, though, keeps her from realizing how much she expects everyone to bow to her whims.

And damn it, I'm getting hung up on her.

Or I'm already there.

In either case, this is a fucking problem. It's a big fucking problem.

It's eight forty-five. I do something I haven't done in a while. I know it's going to cause her a lot of pain but I need to cut off the avenue for me. So, I dial Joanne's number. She answers immediately with, "Where are you?"

I'm kind of shocked by that. She's never asked that before. Do I hear panic in her voice? "I'm back in the city. You okay?"

She sounds very relieved when she says, "I'm fine."

"Okay," I say, "But it sounded like…"

"I'm really fine actually, Lucas, and I… I can't meet with you this time. I miss you and I can't say I'm not tempted but I got married and, well, and I got married. I couldn't invite you to the wedding, of course."

"Joanne, I…"

I can hear the tears in her voice as she says, "Please, Lucas. Please don't try to convince me because I'll cave and I'll meet you somewhere and I'll give everything up. Please don't make me do that."

"No. I would never do that to you. Joanne, I'm calling…" It occurs to me that there's no reason for me to end things now. There's no benefit to it. Instead, I need to just let her be the one who ended things. "I want to try to convince you, Joanne. I want to but you're right. It's not a good thing to do. That husband of yours is a lucky man."

When I hang up, it occurs to me that maybe I really am the asshole Madeline thinks I am. If that's true then at least I did one right thing with Joanne. At least one.

I still feel like such an asshole. And why exactly am I the asshole? I get angry thinking about how all this entanglement with Madeline has made life complicated in a way I really don't enjoy.

And what is so complicated, huh, big guy?

Damn it. Big guy. That's something my father said when I was a cub. It was… He called me that when I was acting particularly foolish.

I growl low in my throat, frustrated at my own thoughts coming to haunt me. Finally, just feeling fed up with the whole back and forth, I grab my phone. The call is answered in a few rings. "Hey, Garrett, man, yeah. I need to call in that favor."

He's a gorilla so we're not alike. But he's a shifter so he knows exactly what favor I'm asking for, so it isn't a big surprise that he says yes. "Just don't steal any picnic baskets and don't lose yourself completely. I don't want to have to look for you. And I don't want to have to send the Mr. Ranger after you."

"Haha, a Yogi joke. Brilliant and so completely original and unexpected. Okay, thanks."

I hang up and instantly feel better. Not better enough but better. Knowing I'm going to go wild starts my adrenaline pumping. It's always a nice thing to turn everything over to the bear. Only a shifter can understand that I think.

I head to a remote spot in the woods I know doesn't have people traffic. It's better to shift to an area where there's less chance of being seen. We're out of the shadows now but most people will still never see one. Solitude makes it more relaxing anyway.

I park the car and start a short hike into the woods. I am carrying what preppers might call a bug out bag. It has a change of clothes and some first aid stuff and some food. More importantly, it's what I'll leave my keys and wallet in and the clothes I'm currently wearing.The first aid is in case I happen upon anyone hurt. Shifting itself is a healing process for us. If I can shift, any minor wounds disappear.

The light is changing under the trees. It's getting darker but that won't be a problem for me once I shift. Bears have excellent night vision. We have an extra membrane in our eyes, and it makes the light reflect twice and, wow.

I'm just out of it. That really is a bit too much information. What am I going to do now, explain to you why Asian poachers like our gall bladders? I'm really not feeling like myself, and I know why.

Madeline.

I reach a good spot and drop my bag. I can't get undressed fast enough. I roll my stuff into a ball and cram it in my bag and then, I let nature take its course.

The shift is extraordinarily fast. In the movies, there's a chance for a practical effects genius or a computer programmer to do something amazing and show off their talents. The reality is it's noticeable but too fast to really comprehend. If I were watching as an outsider, it would almost seem like my body is blurring.

I feel the usual rush of energy as my ursine senses take over. Like I said, my eyesight becomes more focused in the shadowy light of the forest canopy and my sense of smell becomes the strongest.

I start to shamble along, enjoying the muscle movement below my fur. I catch the scent of a rabbit almost instantly. My thoughts about anything outside this forest and my own animal instincts dims and I just run. I see the rabbit and give a half-hearted chase. It's just play.

And it feels amazing.

I climb a tree, my claws making the ascent easy. I pause in the branches to enjoy the soft breeze that carries the scents of the forest to me. The sun is getting lower and I know I have to get back and become human again, but the feeling of freedom is so overwhelming, so profound, that I linger.

Eventually, I climb down and run off to take a quick swim in the stream I locate by smell. I grab a fish or two but again, I'm not really that hungry at the moment.

It would be so easy to just abandon the human world.

I could live in these woods or I could fly to Alaska or Canada. I could just disappear to the woods and never be bothered by all of the bullshit.

But that is never a good idea, as tempting as it is. At some point, it gets harder and harder to hold onto our human reasoning. The form would essentially become a trap. It's something shifters tease about, but also talk about like ghost stories. The shifter who forgot he was human.

That's far away, of course, I return to my bag and shift back. Getting dressed, the euphoria begins to wear off a little, but there's clarity I wasn't feeling before shifting.

And that's the magic of it all, really. The problem of Madeline and our agreement to pretend we're engaged feels less dramatic. The important issue about Joanne is that she moved past me, not any hurt she felt before.

I hike back to my car and drive home. I may have no answers to anything, but I'm a lot better prepared to handle it all.

And it'll stay that way.

At least that's what the bear in me tries to get the stubborn human in me to understand.