32. Christmas Stage

THIRTY-TWO

Their second stage is beautiful.It's Christmas-themed since it's being filmed and aired just in time for the holidays. They dazzle in velvet outfits with long tunics that hang down to give the illusion that they're wearing dresses. Half of them are in white and half of them in red. Puffy white fur trims the bottom, and the bottom of their "skirts" flare when they twirl.

Miyong spends a lot of time twirling backstage.

Their outfits make the tall members of their group look even taller. The dark, coal-colored leggings on Charis cling to his legs, making them look long and lean.

"It's too bad we don't have a Christmas album, huh?" Mouse says.

"Maybe next year," says Charis.

It all almost goes perfectly smoothly until Soohyun has a minor wardrobe malfunction. The rest of his members are already queuing up to go on stage and are too nervous and busy marking their parts and warming up to notice that Soohyun is gone. He slips away quickly, trying to find help. The top clasp on his decorative harness had broken, and after a cursory effort of trying to put it back together himself, he just flags down the nearest staff member. He can't find any of their stylists in the flurry.

"Hey, can you help me call one of the stylists? My costume broke," Soohyun says.

It's the same guy as last time.

Soohyun looks down, still trying to clasp the broken metal crimp buckle together.

"No need, I think I can get it. Can I?"

He gestures toward Soohyun's outfit, and Soohyun gives him a go ahead gesture.

The staff member is good with his hands. He pulls a tube of super glue from one of the emergency kits and glues both halves of the broken mechanism together.

"Hold this," he says with the cap in his mouth.

Soohyun holds both edges of the harness together while the staff member holds the glue in place until it settles. With a last wave of the buckle to air it out and make sure it fully dries, he helps Soohyun to put his broken costume back together and finally takes the cap out of his mouth to reseal the tube of glue.

"See if it'll hold," he says.

Soohyun tests it while the boy puts the leftover glue back in the case. He kneels down to do it, so Soohyun can only see his lean back beneath his t-shirt. He's lean and young. He doesn't seem much older than the rest of Soohyun's members.

"It's good," Soohyun says with a smile.

Just then, one of their stylists, a short woman with electric purple streaks cut into her mid-length black hair, trots up to them. "Hey, I heard you're having a wardrobe issue?"

"Not anymore," Soohyun says. "We already took care of it."

The stylist noona checks out the staff member's work before pronouncing it good enough to hold.

In the meantime, the staff member who had helped Soohyun is just fading into the background. He turns like he's heard someone call his name, but Soohyun didn't hear anyone.

Soohyun means to thank him, but he's stopped by the stylist noona, who has a couple of questions for him. Another woman comes and touches up his makeup and fixes his hair, and then Kim Joon is coming up to collect him, telling him succinctly, "Everyone was looking for you."

Their performance goes off without a hitch. They do a remixed rendition of "Spellbound" mixed with "Wasteland" and "Cavalcade." They brought in fans for the special holiday performance, which lifts everyone's spirits noticeably. Even the cold and austere First Love seem brighter for it.

Their time on the Gleam show has been illuminating and edifying in many ways. They've all grown as people and as performers, but it would be a lie to say it hasn't been strange and lonely sometimes.

Seeing the faces of their Charms in the crowd, cheering them all on, reminds them what they're doing all of this for. Kiki had gone out to play in the crowd earlier, and his cheeks are bright from the excitement. It was fun to see their Charms and their Beauty Prince playing with each other. Kiki looked like the spirit of Christmas itself in scarlet red as he leaned closer to the audience from the stage, shading his eyes with a slender, perfect hand, the better to see all the happy, excited faces in the audience.

Even Charis feels in his element. Although he's felt ambivalent about his moniker at times, it even feels good to hear fans cheering for their Ice Prince.

"Charis-oppa! Charis-oppa!" a group of girls hollers from the crowd. They're holding signs, and Charis catches their eyes and waves.

He looks dazzling from up on the stage, dressed from head to toe in luminous white. His hair has been tinted even lighter for the occasion. More than any of the others, their color scheme suits his cool, pale complexion. He looks like a vision, and he feels like one, too.

Voting will take place soon after the stages, but for now, it feels like they've all been granted a temporary reprieve, like a momentary stay of execution. The bands all have the chance to play together as everything settles down for the holidays.

They go out and play in the snow together outside. They change into more casual clothing. For once, they're not doing it because it's a schedule, or for the cameras. As much as being in front of the crowd is good and exhilarating, this is also good in its own way. Charis feels like he can breathe. He sucks in the frigid air that stings the inside of his nose pleasantly, feeling content and clean. All of his worries and troubles seem very far away.

Mouse comes by and tugs on the end of his scarf. Charis looks for the source of the trouble with wide eyes that are so breathtakingly pretty when framed by his long lashes, and when he sees Mouse's face, he smiles. Mouse laughs softly.

"You look all tucked in like a Christmas fairy."

"I'm supposed to keep warm," Charis says, still smiling.

"Yeah."

It isn't awkward between them—not anymore. Awkward isn't quite the word. They haven't had the chance to talk about it again, which might seem funny to anyone else. Although they've been rooming together, the competition has been so draining that there's no energy left at the end of the day to do anything but collapse into bed and snag a few precious hours of sleep before the next practice or challenge or rehearsal steals them away again.

But whatever it is feels delicate and new. It feels breathtaking in these snatched, quiet moments. Like sharing a delicate secret.

A snowball hits Mouse square in the back, and he turns around to see Miyong's bright, laughing face.

"Why you!"

He turns to Charis for a second, who laughs and ushers him on. "Go."

Miyong only has a second to revel in his mischief before Mouse starts a full throttle chase. Miyong's eyes widen, and his feet make tracks in the snow. He's so loud as he flees, hollering at the top of his lungs, the sounds of his voice lifted in merry fright ringing from the trees and buildings. Mouse is equally loud behind him, laughing and chasing him down to dump a big armful of snow down the back of his shirt.

Charis watches them without running.

Jinho jogs over to him, and soon Charis finds his old friend by his side.

"Hey," Charis says, and he's the one to greet him first.

"Hey," Jinho says. He shifts from side to side, as if he's uncomfortable or uncertain.

"Good job in the competition the other day."

"Not as good as you. You guys murdered us," Jinho says, but he still smiles at the compliment.

"How did your stage go yesterday?"

"Good," Jinho says. "It was really good. It was nice to see fans again."

Charis nods sagely. He knows. They all know. They all feel it. At their core, they're all idols, all bound by the same things.

"Listen," Jinho says, rubbing fitfully at the back of his neck. "They're going to start sending people home soon."

"Yeah," Charis says.

"So I'm sorry for what I said earlier. The other day. I mean, I'm sorry if I scared you."

Charis looks at Jinho. He really looks. And he sees a boy, his junior, who won't meet his eyes.

"Why are you sorry? Did you tell me anything that wasn't true?"

"No, of course not. Just… I guess I didn't need to saddle you with all that, you know."

Charis tilts his head to the side. "You were only trying to do your best for me, weren't you? Don't be sorry about that."

"Yeah, but I think it's all my own stuff. I mean, you guys worked with them during the game, and they didn't do anything to you. Maybe I was just imagining things," Jinho says bitterly.

"Did someone say that to you?"

Jinho prevaricates and doesn't answer.

"Anyway, if we go home before you, I just want you to know that I've always looked up to you. You're a good hyung. I don't want you to forget that."

Jinho is serious when he says it. When Charis looks at him, he doesn't see a little boy, he sees a man.

This time Charis doesn't tease. He respects Jinho enough to merely accept it. "Okay," he says. "And same to you. You're a good friend, Jinho."

Amid the laughter and joyful chaos ringing around them, Jinho stays with Charis for a while longer because he doesn't want to leave him alone on the bright and sunny field. He's never been told officially, but he does know—about Charis' legs. He's noticed things. It's such a nice day, and he doesn't want to leave Charis by himself and unable to play.

It takes Charis a little while to notice what he's doing, and when he does, he clicks his tongue softly.

"Don't worry about me. Go and play."

Jinho looks like he's about to speak up, and this time Charis is firm.

"Don't leave your members hanging. I think they're waiting for you."

And over on the other side of the field, Jinho sees the other members of B-Love messing about with snowballs. They'd gotten into an almighty feud with 4QY, who they're still on good terms with after the game. Yejun and Soojung notice him looking, and a ragged cheer goes up.

With a last, final look at Charis, who looks so pretty as he encourages him to go, Jinho jogs over and joins the crowd amid an almighty pelting of snowballs.

And at last, Soohyun and Charis wind up in the same place together at the same time. This time, Charis doesn't run.

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," Charis says softly.

"Well. I won't pretend it didn't hurt."

Although Soohyun doesn't mean to guilt him, Charis winces at his words anyway. He knows he fucked up. He doesn't try to escape responsibility.

"But I'm here now," Charis says, nudging his shoulder gently.

Soohyun is quite a bit taller than him, so the gesture doesn't quite connect. Nevertheless, it brings a small smile to Soohyun's face.

"I'm glad," Soohyun says.

And then they don't talk for a while. Instead they stand side by side, watching all the idols in front of them play in the rare, snowy field.

"How have you been?" Charis asks after a while.

He isn't talking just to fill the space—or, not exactly. It's an honest question, and it strikes him how strange it is. It's not like they've spent any time apart. They've both been right here, and yet it feels like it's been a long time since they were actually together.

Soohyun smiles at him again, warm and sweet, and a little limned by pain. "Well, you know. The same as usual in most ways. I'm… tired. It's felt hard, trying to keep everyone together. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be here. More than happy. It's just…"

"I know." Charis laughs softly. "I really do know. Don't worry, I feel it, too. Is this what it was like for you all on Knight Quest?"

Soohyun laughs. "Pretty much."

Charis shakes his head. "I don't know how you all survived."

Their laughter clears away the gloomy feeling for a little while. For as cold and snowy as the day is, it's still very bright. There's not a single cloud in the sky. It's a rare, sunny day in the middle of December. The light is so pure and clear.

"How are you?" Soohyun asks in return.

After running for so long, Charis doesn't do Soohyun the discourtesy of just blowing him off or greeting him with half truths. He really thinks about it.

"I've been good. Confused sometimes, and scared sometimes but… I feel like I'm getting everything I want for a change. Does that sound horrible?"

"No!" Soohyun is quick to reassure him as his eyes fly open wide. "Not at all. Honestly, if anyone deserves to get everything they want, it's you."

"Thanks," Charis says with a small smile.

It's easier to talk like this—to be honest—when they're not looking at each other. Charis doesn't know when they got to be like this, but honestly he hates it. He really feels, in this moment, his culpability in it.

"How did we get so messed up?" Charis mutters.

"I think it was my fault," Soohyun says. "And I'm sorry."

"No, you didn't do anything wrong," Charis is quick to reassure him. "I'm the one who acted like an ass. I shouldn't have run away."

"You wouldn't have, if I hadn't made you feel like you had to."

If their other members were here in this moment, they probably could have broken the tight tension wound up between them with a laugh or a joke. They could have rolled their eyes and slapped them on the backs and told them to get over themselves.

They aren't here, though.

Here, there's only Soohyun and Charis, and they have to manage themselves.

Charis' brows knit together. They're both a little distressed at the other not accepting their apologies. Maybe their issue, in the end, is that they're actually too much alike.

"Well," Charis says finally. "Whoever's fault it was, I'm sorry, too. Should we just say it was both of us?"

"Eun," Soohyun finally says. "Okay."

"…you know I'm with Mouse now?" Charis ventures. He's not trying to be cruel, but he wants to rip the bandage off once and for all. He doesn't want there to be any misunderstandings like this in the future.

Soohyun had known, or at least, he'd very strongly suspected. Whatever else has ever been true, and even if he fell off for a short while, he is still a very good leader. He notices things about his members whether he wants to or not. After all, that's his job.

Still. Still, in spite of all that, when he actually hears confirmation, he winces. And inwardly he curses himself as a coward.

Still, Soohyun manages to keep his voice steady as he responds. "Yeah, I know," he says a little wryly.

For a second, Charis wants to apologize for that, too. After all, he's sorry he hurt Soohyun. In the end, he finds that he can't, though. Because hurting Soohyun is the only thing he's sorry for. He's not sorry he's with Mouse. He's not sorry for the love he's given and received. He can't be.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be." Charis bites his lip. "I wasn't… that is, I didn't plan it."

"I know."

Soohyun blows out a sigh, and he looks up at the bright, clear sky up above. It's such a bright day that the sky doesn't even look blue. It's almost white.

He blows out a breath, and finally, he lets everything go with it. All his hopes and fears, all his small, petty hurts. He lets them blow away on the cool late afternoon breeze, to be carried away to somewhere far from here. He takes his time, pulling the cold air into his lungs, in and out, letting it scour him through.

When he finally tips his head forward and lets his gaze fall straight again, he feels more settled and cleansed.

"I'm happy for you both," Soohyun says, and he really does mean it.

One day, he hopes he'll be able to mean it without a single reservation.

"Thank you," Charis says. "That really does mean a lot to me."

"So… we're okay?" Charis ventures after a small time.

"Yeah, we're okay."

Soohyun smiles at him, and Charis feels like a burden has been lifted from his shoulders. It's one he's been carrying for so long that he forgot that he'd ever picked it up in the first place.

Things aren't perfect. They still seem a little wobbly, especially where the two of them are concerned, but they can both tell they're going to be okay. The resurgence of the hyung line is still a sure thing.

Soohyun doesn't cry after it's said and done. Not again. He doesn't feel like he needs to. He does take a long walk. Watching the rest of the guys play had sort of lost its charm after a little while, and Soohyun feels like being alone.

He thinks about going back to the room that he shares with Miyong but takes an aimless, ambling path to get there.

He runs into that same staff member again, the one he's been seeing on schedules lately.

Soohyun opens his mouth to say hello. He closes it again.

"Taeyun," the boy says.

"Pardon?" Soohyun says, blinking.

The staff member tilts his eyes skyward like he's studying the ceiling. "My name. It's Taeyun. It looked like you didn't know it last time, so I'm saving you the trouble of having to figure out if it's rude to ask me."

Soohyun doesn't know how to get a read on Taeyun. It's hard to gauge his moods in a way that's completely foreign to Soohyun. He's used to being able to read people. Right now, he can't tell if Taeyun is angry. The way he says it seems almost hostile, but when Soohyun's brow furrows, when he suddenly asks, "Did I do something?"

Taeyun gives a bright laugh, head thrown back, that shows off all his teeth.

"No, of course you didn't. What could you possibly have done?" Taeyun winces a little inwardly, feeling like he's definitely misstepped and just been rude. "They don't need you back outside?" he asks.

"No, not really. They're not even filming."

Taeyun nods.

Soohyun doesn't know where Taeyun was heading when he bumped into him in the hallway, but he's here now. They both step to the side as two crew members walk down the hallway, and Soohyun leans against the wall, making clear his intention to stay and hang out here.

Taeyun doesn't make any move to go anywhere, crossing his arms and hanging back against the wall, too.

This part of the Gleam facility is pretty architecturally stunning. It's a corridor on the first floor, but it's cut above a hillside, with seamless windows on either side. If you look down, you can see a gully beneath that looks warm and lush. They both hang out in the corridor for a while. Soohyun feels like he's running away from his life, just looking for a second of reprieve, and Taeyun doesn't ask him about it.

While they stand there without talking, Soohyun takes the opportunity to glance at the man beside him. Taeyun is really good-looking. He's easily good-looking enough to be in Soohyun's profession, and Soohyun says so without thinking.

Taeyun laughs. The gesture exposes all of his teeth, which are kind of crooked. It's cute, though. Soohyun thinks he's cute.

"Trust me, I don't have a good personality for it," Taeyun says after his barking laughter dies off.

"Oh," Soohyun says. "Sorry. I didn't mean to imply anything."

Taeyun looks at him wryly. "You didn't."

Soohyun crosses his arms and takes deep breaths.

It isn't a comfortable silence, exactly. In fact, Soohyun feels very uncomfortable standing there. For whatever reason, he doesn't move, though. For whatever reason, it feels more comfortable than going to find his members.

"Hey," Taeyun says.

Soohyun looks at him.

"If you don't know, you can just ask, okay? How I feel."