39. Angie

Chapter 39

Angie

I stared at one of Lili’s perfect boys. Smooshing his tiny lips together, he squinted one eye open only to close it again. Everything in the delivery had gone as best as we could’ve hoped for. Their lungs were underdeveloped, and they couldn’t maintain their body temperature independently. As anticipated, they’d been admitted to the NICU.

We’ll know in the next few hours … The pediatric intensivist’s words ate at my resolve and probably haunted Lili and Blake. I’d fought through those hours with my everything. The scale tipped ever so slightly in their favor.

While I’d assured Lili everything was going to be fine, her little boys were precariously balanced between life and death. Chorioamnionitis: infection of the amniotic fluid. Lili had been leaking fluid from a small rupture for possibly days. Bacteria got in. The babies had been swimming in putrid soup.

Fifty percent. The pediatric specialist had given them the same probability of living as flipping a coin. Lili blamed herself, saying stuff like, ‘A doctor should have recognized a premature rupture.’ She couldn’t accept the fault. With a leak that small, it would be easily confused with urine, even for a medical professional.

Jared left immediately following the delivery, promising to come get me after my shift.

All night long, I’d managed to keep their oxygen saturation above dangerous levels.

Braden Thomas to my right weighed only four pounds two ounces, and Benjamin Jorge to my left weighed four pounds four ounces. Relatively large babies for the NICU, both were perfect, and both were my responsibility to keep alive.

I stood between their oxygen beds. “Hello, little buddies. You’re going to be the most treasured boys on this planet. You just have to fight for it.”

We had three other babies in the NICU. Gabby managed their care. Her soft phone conversation carried to me even though she kept her voice hushed. I couldn’t decipher her words, but I wasn’t really trying. She put the phone down and went about her work.

I double and triple-checked the doctor’s orders for Brady and Benny. Administering their meds, checking their vitals, and watching their breathing rate like a hawk. I’d worked here long enough to know Papa wouldn’t get to meet these babies.

The monitor grew blurry, and I wiped at my eyes.

Depending on how they responded to the IV antibiotics, they’d be here for at least four weeks, give or take.

Papa wouldn’t last that long. Brady and Benny would never be held in their Papa Tony’s arms.

If it weren’t for Papa, I’d set up camp at the hospital until these little ones were discharged. I wasn’t about to let someone else I loved leave me.

Not when I could control it.

Blake had been the only one allowed to visit. He’d followed his boys here as soon as the doctors had let him. Now he was back in Lili’s recovery room. Waiting with her. Wondering. Praying.

Hopefully, Maddie would get to meet the new members of her family tomorrow. I checked my watch and huffed an exhausted chuckle. It was already tomorrow. Three o’clock in the morning, to be exact. Which meant I hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours. I had been up the night before with Papa and hadn’t been able to get my mind settled enough to nap during the day.

Even if provided the opportunity to sleep, would I be able to?

The doors to the NICU opened, and Ryan walked in. He wasn’t supposed to be on shift until seven a.m. “What are you doing here?”

Gabby set down her chart and came to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Ryan.

“I’m here to tell you to go home.”

Gabby placed both her hands on my shoulders. “You need sleep.”

“But … the babies. I can’t …”

“We’ll take care of the boys,” Ryan said.

Looping her arm behind my back, Gabby guided me to the doors. She pressed the button and waited for our path to clear. Ryan stood behind us, an effective barricade to my retreat.

Remi stood on the other side of the open doors. “Hey. How’s she holding up?”

“Not well,” Ryan answered.

“She needs to go to bed ASAP,” Gabby said simultaneously.

Great. My nemesis and would-be fiancé had enlisted my friends to spy on me. “ She is standing right here and can answer for herself.” I pushed out of Gabby’s arms and moved away from all of them. “What is this?”

“An interventi—” The doors closed on Ryan, cutting his response short.

“We asked for Remi’s help.” Gabby leaned her hip against the door button. “Go home. Take care of yourself. We’re all worried for you.”

She left me. I stood there in the hall alone with Remi until the doors had fully closed. Without saying a word, I marched past him into the main foyer and out into the night. I kept going.

How dare Remi presume he had the right to handle me?

I was strong. Capable. Smart. I could manage my own life without a man doing it for me. And Gabby and Ryan, the traitors, wouldn’t have even let me in the hospital to keep Lili’s babies alive. Yes, I trusted them to do as good of a job as me, but relinquishing control sent me spiraling into the what-if game.

What if one of the monitors malfunctioned and Gabby didn’t notice?

What if another baby crashed, and Ryan tunneled in on them and neglected to watch Brady’s or Benny’s oxygen saturation?

What if the power went out, the backup generators failed, and they couldn’t get power to the beds?

What if a category five tornado hit the hospital, and I wasn’t there to get the twins to safety?

Sure, a category five tornado had never touched ground in Idaho. Most of ours were small and puny compared to the ones in the Midwest. But there could always be a first.

Stopping, I looked around. A tall lamp post lit up the halo of light encircling me. I’d walked to the far edge of the parking lot. I turned a full 360 degrees. Cripes. I didn’t know what Remi’s new truck looked like.

He came to the edge of the light. “I parked back there.” He clicked a button on the key fob in his hand, and orange lights flashed near the hospital entrance.

I grumbled and turned back the way I came. “You could have mentioned that sooner.”

“I’m not dumb enough to tease a pissed-off rattlesnake.” He followed behind me and spoke so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him.

A snake? Did he just compare me to a snake? I didn’t want pity or to be treated like a fragile butterfly, but a little respect would be nice, especially considering all the garbage going down in my life.

Clamping my mouth shut, I successfully bottled my outrage and got into his truck. He started the engine and pulled out of the lot. Mesmerized by the blanket of darkness around us, I stared out the window, at the way the headlight beam rolled seamlessly over the grass.

Soothing country music drifted from the speakers at low volume. His radio switched from song to song. Thirty minutes flew by until one of my favorites came on: Taylor Swift’s “Fearless.” The name of her record-breaking album and a song about love, driving in a car, first kisses, and being fearless.

In the cab of Remi’s truck, I could almost forget about the storm that raged outside, waiting to consume me.

In here, I could be fearless. Give him an answer. Say yes.

In here, I could also be furious. Kind of like a pissed-off rattlesnake.

“I remind you of a snake?” I took the second option. “What about me says scaly, deadly beast?” I turned from the peace of the window and glared at him.

“Ah, there’s the venom I’ve missed so much.” He shot me a quirky half smile.

“Now, not only am I a snake, but I’m a venomous one?”

“In the most adorable way.”

“Gah!” I yelled and pressed the palms of my hands to my temples. “You are the most infuriating—Why did you have to come pick me up? I’m handling things fine on my own?”

“From where I’m sitting, you’re half a bubble off a plum.” He made the right turn, taking us into downtown Clear Springs. One blink, and you’d miss it.

“What does the even mean?” I took a breath. “You make no sense.”

“What I mean, dear Angie, is that you are one loose wire away from exploding. I talked to your mom. You haven’t been sleeping or eating much, and this was before Lili’s delivery.”

“I’m doing fine.”

“Would you stop saying fine? I hate that word. Stop lying to me.”

“What? You want me to say instead that Papa means everything to me. Without him in my life I’m going to be so lost—tell you that I’m the failure who walked this farm right up to bankruptcy’s door and knocked—that Lili’s beautiful babies, the ones she and Maddie and Blake have been praying for, have only a fifty percent chance of surviving the week?” The wall I’d held in place since the reality of hospice care entered my world began crumbling. Tears spilled over the edge of my bottom lid, and I could do nothing to stop them. “You want me to confide in you about how I want to get married so badly before my dad dies? That I invested three months into a complete lie? Instead of spending more time with my papa?”

Remi approached my lane.

I pressed my arm to his chest. “Don’t.” Air. I couldn’t get enough air. “I can’t—I can’t let Mama see me like this.”

“It’s okay. Breathe.”

Passing my driveway, he turned into Mountain Meadows, heading to his house.

I pulled on my seatbelt and on the collar of my scrubs. Everything was too tight. Suffocating me. The edges of my vision blurred, and I felt for the handle. “I need to get out. I need to get out of this truck now.”

“Hold on.” Remi slammed on the gas and drifted into his driveway.

I pulled on the handle and threw the door open once he stopped. The cold night air washed over me. I tried to get out, but something yanked me back in my seat. Again and again, I tried.

Remi materialized in front of me. Reaching around me, he unlatched the belt which kept me captive. Like a dope, I hadn’t freed myself from my seat belt. His hands were on my upper arms, guiding me to the ground.

“Focus on me. And take deep breaths. In and out.” He helped me into the house—into his bedroom.

I couldn’t fight him. Couldn’t listen to him and gain control of myself. My breaths still came in short gasps. My head dizzied. The fire propelling me through this nightmare went out. Doused by the torrent of tears, I couldn’t stop.

The door latch clicked, cutting off the light from the living room and sending us into darkness. He took my stethoscope and placed it on his dresser.

He pulled me onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m so sorry.”

No wonder he was sorry for me. I was a nothing. Had nothing. No money. Still terrified of heights. Useless in a raft. Soon to be fatherless. Even with all my schooling, I hadn’t been able to save Papa or manage to drive the probability of those precious babies living any higher.

I was a worthless, powerless loser.

Pressing me to his chest, he massaged my head, running his fingers over my scalp and along my spine, sending soothing, calming chills chasing through my body.

“I’m not ready, Remi.” I balled my fists against his chest and cried into his shirt. “I can’t say goodbye. It’s not fair.”

“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked.

I didn’t need to hear anything else. I didn’t want advice or for someone to say it was okay. Nothing about Papa dying was okay . With him gone, my life wouldn’t be okay for a long time.

Remi’s soft words, packed with emotion, sabotaged the rest of my strength.

I let go of my pain, of my fear, my anger, and jealousy of anyone who had a healthy papa. I let it all out, while he simply held me.