Chapter 20

Diesel

Llorón is Shay-Lee.

"I understand that he's already gotten into a few fights, but please give him this one last chance."

Shay-Lee is Llorón.

"A few fights? Since the beginning of the school year, he's visited my office more times than I could count."

Did he know it was me the whole time?

"I know, but expelling him three months before he graduates? I'm sure there are other things you could do."

Every time we met, every conversation we had, every secret I shared with him. All those moments I cherished for the past few weeks were nothing but a fraud.

"He almost knocked all the other student's teeth out of his mouth."

How did I not realize it sooner? All the signs were there: the sound of his voice, the color of his eyes, his mannerisms. I should have been able to make the connection, but I didn't. I was so invested in him that it messed me up.

"But that other kid, Kamper, he was the one to start the fight. He provoked him in the hall."

Why would he do that? Was it to mess with me because of that recording I have of him? Would he actually go to such lengths just for that?

"Kamper may have started the fight, but it was a harmless provocation. What Mr. Gómez did in return was out of proportion. The young man's parents almost proceeded to press charges."

Yes. He would go to such lengths because Shay-Lee Rogers is a crazy son of a bitch. A rich, spoiled asshole who takes whatever he wants because he simply can.

"Pressing charges? That's absurd. The other kid was the one to start the fight. The security camera clearly shows him pushing Diesel first."

Shay-Lee may be a piece of shit, but Llorón isn't. Llorón is sweet and kind. He's the guy who woke up early to stand in line to buy me food I liked and who put on lingerie for me. He's the man who understood me more than anyone else ever did.

"That's why I said they almost pressed charges. They decided not to do so, knowing the school would handle it."

What the hell is wrong with me?Treating the two as different people while they are the same person. I'm going fucking crazy, thinking the same shit nonstop for nearly a week.

"So let me get it straight. You have a student who undoubtedly started the fight, you acknowledge that fact, and yet the one you plan to expel is the student who defended himself? I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with Diesel being here on a scholarship while the other kid's folks are big donors to the school."

For how long did he plan to lead me on?

"What are you implying?"

Why did he suddenly decide to tell me?

"I'm not implying anything but telling you that there's a word for what you're doing, and it's called discrimination. I wonder what the news would have to say about that."

Why, after all this time, did he decide to end it?

"We wouldn't want to draw any unnecessary attention, would we? Since Mr. Gómez is already doing after-school detention for the next month, how about we add a few more weeks and call it a deal. I will make sure to handle the other parents, as long as you don't take any of this out. Having said that, I need Mr. Gómez to understand this is his last and final chance, and I mean it this time."

Someone nudged my shoulder, and I looked to my side to find Chief looking at me.

"What do you say?" he asked.

Honestly, I had no fucking idea what to say. I hadn't heard a word from their conversation, and I mostly didn't care. They could expel me. What difference would it make? But then Chief continued to stare at me, and feeling bad enough for making him come here, I didn't want to disappoint him even further.

"Sure," I said while rubbing my face and leaning forward. "I'll do whatever. Can I go now?"

"What's going on with you?" Chief asked once we were out of the principal's office.

Not bothering to answer him, I continued to walk until I was out of the building and hit with the cold wind. The sky was gray, and it looked like it would rain soon.

"Hey, I'm talking to you." Putting his hand on my shoulder, Chief pulled me to stop and face him.

"Nothing." I took the cigarette tucked behind my ear and put it in my mouth before lighting it.

"Nothing?" he asked, placing his hands on his waist. "Something has been going on with you for the past week. Not only were you hostile toward everyone at home, including breaking the bathroom door because Miles was taking too long, but now you're nearly killing a kid for shoving you in the hall?"

"Nearly killing?" I snorted. "Let's not exaggerate. I only knocked some of his teeth out."

"You think this is funny?"

I bit the inner side of my cheek, trying to calm down because he was getting on my nerves. Not that it was a hard thing to do, especially the last few days when the slightest gust of wind seemed to drive me out of my mind.

"What do you want from me?" I asked after exhaling the smoke out. "I mean it. What the fuck do you want from me?"

His brows knitted closer as his stare hardened. "I'm worried about you, Diesel, and I want to make sure you're doing alright."

I kicked some dirt with my shoe, unable to look at him. "Well, I'm not, but it's not your fucking business, so get off my back."

He stepped closer. "I'm not going to do that."

"Well, you should," I snapped, shoving my finger at his chest. "Because I don't need you to parent me."

"Diesel." He tried to say something, but I'd had enough.

"I'm nineteen. The last thing I need is some righteous guy like you trying to save me so you can redeem yourself from whatever shit you did in your past. You can do that with Andrei or the others, not me. I don't fucking give a shit." Moving away from him, I took another drag and allowed the smoke to settle in my lungs before exhaling. God, I was being an ungrateful jerk right now, but it didn't matter.

"I'm not trying to save you, Diesel, just help. And I don't do it to make myself feel good. It breaks my heart you'd even think that." He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. "Listen, I know starting at this school wasn't easy for you, but I thought you were doing better. For the past few weeks, you looked happier. Relaxed. I honestly thought you were finally getting to a good place when, all of a sudden, you're back to where we started."

"Back to where we started, huh? You mean, back to being a hopeless case?"

"That's not what I said." He looked down at his shoes. "I know that you're angry right now, and I can only imagine what you're going through."

But you can't. You can't possibly begin to imagine what I'm going through.

"Even though you don't want it, I'm here to help. Whatever you need, you can talk to me. You can talk to Andrei, Levi, Jessie, Kai. We're your family, Diesel."

Rain started to fall down on us, but we didn't care. There were bigger things than water soaking our clothes or wind blowing in our faces.

"I appreciate what you've done for me, but I don't need it. Not anymore." I tossed the cig to the ground and stomped on it with my shoe. "I'll graduate because I respect you, but then I'm gone. I'll be out of here for good."

His eyes widened, and he shook his head. "What on earth are you talking about? You think that's what I want? For you to leave?"

"No." I shrugged. "But that's what I want."

"Diesel."

I sighed. "Just… Leave me the fuck alone, okay?" I was sure Chief would have continued fighting me on the subject, but I didn't care to stay and listen. I was done thinking there was any hope left for me and pretending I believed it. One of the things I adored about Llorón was that he made me feel I had a chance to change my future. He had never said a word, but his presence alone was enough to make me feel hopeful, as if my life could change just by being with him.

Now, thinking of him only made me feel desperate.