41. “Fast Car”

41

"FAST CAR"

TRACY CHAPMAN

I nstead of going straight to bed, I found myself wandering the house one last time. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but I couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that someone had been walking around my house when I wasn't there.

With the retreats getting closer and closer, I was starting to wonder if it was even a good idea to have other people in the house with someone out there so clearly set on disrupting my life.

I pictured what would have happened if I had had guests there, and that had happened in the middle of the night. My retreats would be over before they even got off the ground.

…and then what? I wondered.

"Well, Rox, we're going to have to try to get some sleep. Do you want to stay down here or come up with me?"

I let her out one more time. She sniffed around a little bit outside, did her business, and came back in. I headed for the stairs, but she seemed to have some innate sense of what I needed, and she curled up right in front of the back door and set her head down on her paws .

"Come up when you get tired of standing guard," I said, and I knelt down on the floor to wrap my arms around her, breathe in her fuzzy neck, and kiss her cold, black snoot. "I'll see you soon, okay? Thanks for keeping us safe."

With one final scratch behind her right ear, I headed toward the front door to make sure the lights were on outside. A squad car was pulled along the side of the street, and the glow of an open laptop illuminated Officer Alcott who saw me in the sidelight and waved. I waved back, headed for the stairs, and went off to bed. Sleep was slow to come, but between the knowledge that help was nearby if I needed it, and the sounds of Roxy's nails intermittently tapping across the floor downstairs, I was able to drift off around two a.m.

I woke up at seven to the sound of my phone buzzing on the nightstand next to me. It was a text from Jenna, but not in the group chat.

Jenna: Are you awake?

Yes, I am.

Jenna: Did you get any sleep last night?

I got a few hours. Roxy took the night shift. I heard her walking around all night. She's such a good puppy.

Jenna: Do you mind if I stop over in about an hour?

Come on over. I'd love to see you.

Jenna: Okay. I'll see you soon.

I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood. The soft, plush rug on the side of my bed greeted me, a comforting way to start the day.

I avoided the closed door of my bathroom and instead headed downstairs to let Roxy out. She was curled up by the front door, still sleeping with her head on her paws, but as my feet hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes slid open, and her tail began to wag.

"I'm happy to see you too, Rox. I missed you last night." She stood, put her paws straight out and her tail up in the air, stretched, and walked over to nuzzle between my hand and leg for a morning scratch.

"You're such a good dog. You must be ready to go potty, though."

I deactivated the alarm, unlocked the door, and let her out in the backyard to do her business. She ran in circles for a moment after sniffing the air and surveying the yard. I stood in the open door watching her, wondering what the day had in store for me and, more urgently, what Jenna's impromptu visit was about. I decided she was probably coming to check on me.

When Roxy was done, we went back inside and had a little breakfast. Some kibble with bone broth for Roxy. A bagel with cream cheese for me.

After I called Kari to talk to her about what had happened the night before and repeatedly assure her that I was safe and taking every precaution, I sat in the sunroom sipping my coffee and making a list of things I needed to get done throughout the day. As I contemplated whether I had enough time to take a shower, my phone buzzed with a text.

Unknown: Hi Paige, this is Adam from A I'm waiting for a client who's still in a meeting, but our friend Elyse mentioned that you needed some cameras installed pretty quickly. Are you around this morning?

I quickly saved him as a contact.

Thank you for reaching out so quickly. I will be around all day today.

I have some work to get done, but just knock on the back door when you get here.

Adam: Will do. I have everything I will need with me, so I'll come in and look around to see how many cameras you're going to need. Once they're installed, I'll need a little bit of your time to walk you through everything, and how to pull up recordings if needed.

That sounds great. I'll see you when you get here.

Adam: See you in about an hour.

I needed to take a shower and brush my teeth before Jenna arrived, but decided to use the spare bathroom. I wasn't ready to face the damage in mine.

I had just enough time to get showered, brush my teeth, and get downstairs before Jenna knocked on the back door. I deactivated the alarm and let her in.

As she stepped over the threshold, the first thing I noticed were her red-rimmed, puffy eyes. I took an educated guess that Craig was the cause of her tears, but I decided to be there for her and just listen. Jenna had never come to my house without any of the other women being around, so there was a definite reason why she was there that morning, and I knew I was going to have to be patient and wait for her to get comfortable enough to share what it was.

I wouldn't have to wait long.

"Paige… I– I don't know where to begin. I…" she trailed off.

"It's ok, Jenna. Take your time. Let's sit in the sunroom. Do you want a cup of coffee?" I led the way as Jenna slinked along behind me.

"No thank you. Coffee would be a bad idea right now."

Once in the sunroom, I lowered myself onto the plush velvet cushions of the rattan couch and mentally thanked Uncle Mike for his knack for aesthetic and comfort. Patting the cushion next to me, I invited Jenna to take a load off. She looked like a flight risk.

She sat on the edge of the cushion to my right, smoothed her skirt over her legs, took a deep breath, and let it out, slow and stuttering between semi-pursed lips. She closed her eyes, and when they opened, focused somewhere around the space past my left ear, and began to speak. "Last night… I'm so sorry about what happened last night, Paige. I didn't know what to say when you texted, but I knew I had to come here first thing this morning."

"Jenna, you don't need to be sorry," I exclaimed, reaching across the space between us to put my hand on her shoulder. She flinched nearly imperceptibly under the weight of my hand, so I removed it and set it back on my own lap.

"I'm not like the rest of you. Being so open isn't easy for me, but I'm going to try and get through this." She looked back down to her hands, took another deep breath, and her exhale carried words that entered my ears and bounced off my brain but couldn't take hold. "Paige, I met Craig at a time in my life when I was desperate for guidance and direction. I'd lost both my parents in quick succession, and while they weren't the best parents, they had directed my life up to that point. I felt like I was a sailboat without a mast, following the whims of the water around me. I was doing some volunteer work at my church and Craig was hired to do some maintenance work there. At the time, I thought he saw something in me that no one else had ever seen before. For the first time, I felt seen. Understood."

She paused, shifted on the soft cushions, re-clasped her hands, and continued. "What he saw in me then was someone whose direction he could control on a whim. And I let him."

I felt a primal urge to reach out to her, pull her to me, wrap her in my arms, and protect her from anything and everything that could do her harm. In one instant, I knew what the other women knew. Understood why they were all so protective of Jenna and included her in everything we did. I wanted to reach out and put a reassuring hand on her again, but instinctively knew that she needed space to continue. Some buffer between us to fill with the words that were to follow.

"Being a part of this group with Grace, Elyse, Sarah, Cat—and now you—has been such a blessing to me. I've gotten to experience love, acceptance, and support in a way I never have before. Without conditions. Without guilt. Without expectations. These friendships have shone a spotlight on what is broken in my marriage. In me. A few months ago, Grace overheard something Craig said to me. I was so embarrassed at the time. Mortified. But the next day, Grace stopped by the café right around the time I usually take my break, and she sat at a table with a book. As I pulled my apron over my head, she stood and approached me."

My throat tight and shoulders tense, I stopped the words that threatened to escape. I wasn't going to interrupt now.

"She asked me to take a walk with her. I can't tell you how terrified I was. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, but I guess I nodded, because a few minutes later, we were walking down the path through the park. She was calm and kind, but you know Grace by now. She didn't hold back. She told me it wasn't right how Craig treated me, and she wasn't going to tell me what to do, that enough people had done that throughout my life. But she said I was smart and intuitive and I already knew in my head that how Craig treated me wasn't ok, but I needed to give my heart permission to agree.

"She said that she'd been watching quietly since we'd met and could no longer justify her silence, having a daughter of her own. She told me she had confidence in my ability to take control of my life and break free of Craig's control, but it might take some professional help. We sat on a park bench and she hauled that huge bag she walks around with onto her lap and after digging around for a moment, pressed a piece of paper into my palm. What happened next shocked me more than anything else; she leaned over and gave me a huge hug, stood, and walked away without another word."

"What was on the paper?"

"It was the number for a therapist who specializes in treating victims of domestic abuse, which months later, I finally realize… I am." Another deep breath. "I have been meeting with her every week, and every week, I uncover a part of me I didn't know was there. I've been growing stronger with every session, and I'm seeing things at home for what they are. He's been telling me for so long that I'd never be anything without him, and I would never be able to survive on my own. After last night, I realize that I'm going to have to start my own journey and have faith that the next right step will be in front of me."

I felt a white-hot rage creeping up the back of my neck. "Jenna, did he put his hands on you last night?"

Her eyes found mine again, and I saw genuine fear in them. "No," she continued, her voice shaking once more. "When I got home from book club last night, he wasn't waiting for me like he usually is. He was nowhere to be found. But what I did find was even more terrifying than his anger on his worst days. I decided to get ready for bed and do a little reading before he got back home from wherever he was. When I threw my makeup remover cloth into the bathroom garbage, I saw a small towel in there I didn't recognize. When I reached down and pulled it out, I felt sick to my stomach. It was covered in blood. And it was a towel I knew for a fact didn't come from our kitchen. "

Jenna turned and thrust her hand into the tote bag next to her and pulled out a towel. There was no mistaking where it had come from. It was from my kitchen. What was left of my kitchen, anyway.

"Jenna! That's–"

"I know, Paige." Tears were starting to stream down her cheeks. "I know this is your towel. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

I was dumbstruck. Mute, as I stared at the towel that had just yesterday hung on my range.

How…? Who…? Oh.

"I'm so confused. We didn't find any blood in the house."

"Well, apparently he was clear-headed enough to clean up after himself. I could say that I don't know what's gotten into him, but that would be a lie. He's started showing up randomly wherever I am. Sometimes he comes in and convinces me to leave, but other times he sits outside in his car and waits for me to come out. I would have no idea how long he'd been out there, but he insists on driving me home, even when I've planned to walk or already have a ride."

"Honey, this is not ok. I hope you know that. You're a grown woman!"

"I do know. Therapy has been really helpful to me, and I'm seeing things a lot more clearly. But, finding this…" she raised the bloody towel and then opened her hand and let it drop to the floor at her feet as if it contained a sac of spider eggs about to burst. "That towel wiped away the last of my reservations, the last of my hope that Craig could change. Would change. I know now that I've been deluding myself, thinking if I loved him enough, gave him everything he wanted, made him dinner every night, supported us financially, and kept our home tidy, he would love me the way I love him. I know now that none of it makes a bit of difference. He's never going to loosen his hold on me no matter what I do—or don't do."

I sat still and silent to give her space to finish .

"As I've gotten more and more involved in our Sensational Six group, he's gotten more and more angry and short with me. The more excited I've gotten, the more vicious he's become with his words, telling me that you're lying about hiring me for your retreats. Trying to make me doubt my friendships with all of you. It's always been him and me, and now my life is full of things he's not a part of, and I guess something inside of him just snapped. I'm so sorry about all the damage to your beautiful home, Paige. I truly am so, so sorry, and I will do everything in my power to help you get it back to what it was."

By this point, Jenna was sobbing, and when she stopped speaking, she folded over her legs, her hands covering her face, her shoulders heaving with each strangled exhale.

I pulled several Kleenex from the box on the table in front of us.

"Jenna…," I began, unsure my words would land where they needed to. I rubbed her back and coaxed the tissues into her lap. "Jenna, I am so sorry for what you've been through. You're right. None of what you've told me is ok. You deserve to be treated like a queen, and it makes me so terribly sad that you've gotten this far in life without having felt the thrill of independence. I am so angry that Craig felt it was appropriate to intimidate you into doing what he wanted you to do. You should be so proud of yourself for listening to your inner voice and getting the help you need. I'm glad Grace felt comfortable enough to approach you. Do you think you'll tell your therapist about this?" I was suddenly struck by the realization that while Jenna insisted Craig had never been physically violent with her, his behavior had suddenly escalated in a very public way. I no longer trusted that he'd be able to control that violence around—and toward—her in private.

Jenna unfolded herself, peeled a Kleenex out of the heap on her lap, and blew her nose. "I think so. No, I definitely am. I don't know what the next few months, heck, the next few hours look like for me, but I know my faith—and my friends," her eyes found mine, "will get me through."

I felt the resolve in her words and knew at that moment they were true.

Another realization struck me. "Jenna. I have to report this." I looked down at the towel at her feet. "This isn't just a place of business for me." I took a deep breath, filled with the weight of the words I would speak next. "This is my home."

"I know. I know what you need to do, and I came here this morning to lay it all out for you and tell you I understand what needs to happen next. I couldn't keep Craig's behavior to myself anymore, now that it was affecting someone else. One of my friends. I will be here when you call the police, and I will be here when they arrive. I will tell them everything."

"Jenna…" I trailed off, unsure of my next words, but knowing they needed to be said. "I am so proud of you. This had to have been one of the hardest things you've ever done, and I don't envy you for what's around the corner, but please know we are all here for you. I know I'm new to the group, but I think of you like a little sister, and I will be here to help you find your next steps. I think I can speak for the rest of us when I say, we all will."

With that, Jenna scooted closer to me on the couch, and threw her arms around me.

"Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for not blaming me for this. I feel so responsible and helpless."

"You are in no way helpless, Jenna. And you are certainly not to blame. We are going to figure this out together. But, we need to make a difficult phone call. Are you ready for what's next?"

"I can't say I'm ready, but I will get ready. Thank you, Paige."

I squeezed her shoulder and wrapped my arms around her. "Thank you for being brave. Let's get this over with."