Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Harper

Priscilla managed to tear her eyes off Annabel long enough to nudge me in the side with a knowing smile, gesturing towards the park entrance, where Kay and Paisley walked in side-by-side. “There’s your girl,” she said, and I shot her a withering look.

“You really think I’m out to steal Gwen’s girlfriend?”

Priscilla just rolled her eyes with a tired smile, and I felt—like I always did when it was her involved—like she’d just laid me bare and obvious for all the world to see. I hoped I wasn’t blushing. It was a bad habit I had when I got called out.

She was the youngest of our friend group, still in university, and she’d somehow maintained the freshman sense of dressing well even into her upper years, wearing a white sundress with a sunhat and her ash-blonde hair pulled back into a loose, effortlessly classy plait, a green ribbon tied into it. I needed to not hang out with her, Aria, and Emberlynn in the same space. They gave me inferiority complexes. I just wore jeans and t-shirts.

But more than that, Priscilla had a strange talent for knowing exactly what a person was hiding by just looking at them, and she’d rendered me completely undone last year when she watched me fumble the littlest bit too much in front of Paisley and immediately pinpointed how I felt. And she didn’t relent until I’d admitted to it.

We’d managed not to talk about it—Priscilla had spent the winter cuffing up so much with Annabel, ever since they went official back in December, that the topic had drifted away. But maybe it was that I’d been thinking about it earlier today, with Anders and all the talk about falling in love, and just that Priscilla, as she always did, figured me out in a blink.

“Somehow,” Priscilla said, finally, “I wasn’t actually referring to the one who’s taken.”

I rolled my eyes, shoving my hands in my pockets, and I found I couldn’t look directly at her. “Paisley’s essentially also taken. She’s in love with herself.”

“You know, I think she likes you, too. You should go for it.”

I rubbed my forehead. “It’s complicated… and it’s not even relevant.”

“Because of that thing you’re hiding?”

I shot her a wild-eyed look, my heart jumping into my mouth, but I didn’t get a chance to say anything before Paisley came streaking through the small crowd of people who had gathered around the picnic tables, made a beeline for me, and then I swear to fucking god she sat down on my lap, facing me. Every muscle in my body strained to the breaking point all at once, but she just gave me her signature big Paisley grin.

“Yo,” she said.

“Pais, what the fuck are you doing?” I tried not to register Priscilla raising her eyebrows high next to me. Paisley gave me a mischievous grin.

“Close your eyes.”

If she kissed me like this, I’d fucking die. Only after I killed her, though. I tried to pretend my heart wasn’t pounding. Pray to god Paisley wasn’t close enough to tell. “You’re going to snap my neck if I do.”

She grinned wider. “Just do it.”

I should have argued, but I closed my eyes. My stomach lurched when I felt Paisley move, and then—a rattling from behind me, the clinking of cans, and then Paisley laughing maniacally as she jumped off my lap. My eyes shot open, and I scowled at where she was opening a can of shandy—the cans I’d kept behind me specifically so Paisley wouldn’t walk in and grab them. I was going to break her like a twig.

And… pretend I wasn’t getting this sinking feeling like rejection.

“Thanks, Harps,” she said, doing a terrible job suppressing laughter. I sighed.

“You’re very lucky there’s too many witnesses here for me to murder you.”

“You wouldn’t. You love me.” She winked, taking a swig from the can, and I thought most likely I would murder her because I unfortunately did love her.

It didn’t make any sense. She’d never done anything but annoy me. We butted heads constantly. She wasn’t even my type. At least… she shouldn’t have been. She was a scrawny thing with wild, unkempt brown hair and big round glasses, wearing a Harvard sweatshirt that was about six sizes too big and out of place given she had definitely never gone to Harvard, and—even though everyone in Bayview loved her as the chaotic gremlin creature she was, myself included, it was really her I had to fall in love with? Her?

I didn’t even know how it had happened, but I wanted to take it all back. Maybe that was why I’d agreed when Susanna Holcomb had asked me to leave Bayview.

Of course, it was probably for other reasons. Bigger reasons. But I didn’t go near that.

“You sure took your sweet time showing up,” I said. “Too busy getting bubble tea and kidnapping employees?”

Next to her, Kay laughed, eyes sparkling. “I owe her one. I’d have been standing there staring sadly off into the distance in an empty shop for hours otherwise…”

Paisley shrugged, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Now it’s just Dani who’s going to be doing that. You know—staring into infinity pining over Annabel.”

Priscilla put her hands up. “I’m sure Annabel would be interested. She should just ask.”

I shoved down the messy tangle of feelings I got hearing her say that. She was just so… comfortable in the situation, had so much trust in their relationship. Annabel and I had broken up specifically because of that—because I couldn’t handle Annabel still being attracted to other women—but there was Priscilla, as relaxed as could be and loving what they had.

I think I was afraid it would be a jealous feeling. And maybe it was, but not quite like I’d expected. Just… it was nice knowing Annabel and Priscilla had found something so happy together. And maybe part of me just wished I could, too.

But I wasn’t the kind of person who could be with somebody. That was for other people. People who weren’t like me.

“That’s what I told her,” Paisley said, throwing a hand in the air. “Like, hello. She didn’t even know you two have an open relationship. She looked like she’d seen the gates of heaven when I told her. So… probably expect her coming around shooting her shot.”

Priscilla laughed, tucking a strand of hair back behind her ear. “I’ll give Annabel the heads-up.”

The park was getting livelier by the minute, the start time just a minute or two away and the guests all showing, squeezing into the space by the birchwood pavilion and the lattice draped in its romantic white netting for the spring. Past Paisley and Kay, I caught a glimpse of Emberlynn and Aria moving through all the guests, greeting them warmly in the way both of them were natural geniuses at, before Emberlynn broke off and came up behind Paisley, snatching the shandy out of her hand from behind. Paisley whirled on her with a scandalized gasp.

“Emby! Oh my god, this is grand larceny.”

“Uh-huh, sure. And my next crime is going to be battery when I throw the drink on you, you dork. Can you at least wait until the event starts before you go stealing all the drinks Harper brought?”

Paisley put a hand on her hip. “Um, evidently not.”

I stood up, stretching my arms out, avoiding looking at Paisley. “We getting started?”

“Yup.” Emberlynn nodded back to the picnic table she and Aria had covered in food, my cake sitting in the middle. “Help yourself. Gwen’s getting the sound system to work.”

Kay bit down on the biggest smile, the kind she always got when someone so much as mentioned Gwen. I was honestly obsessed with the two of them. Everyone else in town thought they were the strangest couple, but I couldn’t get enough of how ridiculously in love they were. “I’m gonna go… say hi to her,” Kay said. “I’m sure I can help her figure out the sound system.”

Paisley sighed melodramatically, watching her all but skip away towards the pavilion where the sound system was set up. “We’re never getting sound. Kay’s gonna make out with her over the stereo for ages.”

Emberlynn wrinkled her nose. “Maybe I should disconnect the speakers. I wouldn’t want them to accidentally connect the microphone while they’re going at it.”

Luckily, though, they didn’t start going at it over the microphone. The music came on after only a short delay, and we all gathered around the table grabbing drinks, sandwiches and chips on paper plates. I managed to avoid too much of either Priscilla or Paisley, chatting with friends I hadn’t seen in a minute—I didn’t leave the house much in winter, and I’d missed more than one social event because of seasonal affective disorder. Plenty to catch up on.

Not that I knew why I was putting so much effort into catching up if I knew I was leaving.

It wore me down somewhere after we’d all gone through the sandwiches and moved to cake, once I’d finished listening to a dozen people compliment the cupcakes, and I found myself coming down into a cool, numb sensation. My feet led me away from it all, and I ended up leaning against the cold metal railing over where the stream was running high right now, swelling on last night’s rainstorm. Tucked in here behind the pale green blooms of spring’s first flowers and the trees starting to get their color back, it was peaceful, quiet, breathing in the fresh, clean air, but I didn’t get much peace.

Footsteps along the earth behind me pulled my attention back to where Priscilla gave me a soft smile, leaning against the railing with me. She didn’t say anything—probably figured out just by looking how much I was wound up. She probably knew why, even though I didn’t.

“Dani come around and start hitting on your girlfriend, and you had to get away?” I said, and she laughed lightly.

“It doesn’t actually bother me, you know, when it happens. It’s not that I just stick it out well and stay strong for her sake. It just… doesn’t register as something that bothers me.” She paused, shifting her weight onto one foot. “Do you think that’s weird?”

“Weird… probably strictly in that it’s not how people typically are, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.” I turned back to the stream with a sigh. “Kind of wish I were that way. Things would have gone a lot better with Annabel. You two are a much better fit, though, so… I guess I’m glad.”

She rolled her eyes. “Please. As if it was ever about Annabel in the first place.”

I hung my head. “This is you harassing me about Paisley again, isn’t it?”

“You’ve already told me how you feel, so… there’s no use trying to hide things. What’s more relevant is the reason you’re staying so withdrawn from… you know, everything. Like you’re guilty and conflicted about connecting with people right now. What happened?”

I rubbed my forehead. “It’s just… some stuff with the bakery. Don’t worry about it.”

“Mm.” She looked down. “If you ever want to talk about it, you know it’s safe to tell me. I’m not a gossip.”

She really wasn’t, that was the thing. I could trust her not only to keep it secret, but to listen patiently and with care. So why on earth couldn’t I bring myself to tell even her?

“Thanks,” I said, after a pause. “What about you, though? I haven’t had a chance to properly chat with you since the new semester started. How’s it going?”

“I took too many writing-intensive courses at once, that’s how it’s going,” she said with a wry laugh. “I’m stretched a little bit… thin.”

“Priscilla, being an academic overachiever. Shocking. Well, if Annabel’s ever bringing a girl over and you need somewhere else to stay and study, you can hang out at my place.”

“Thanks,” she laughed. “I really appreciate how you were there for me through so much… stuff, last semester.”

“Swimming going okay?”

“It’s been really exciting. I’ve been having private coaching once a week with someone from the Olympic division. It’s intense, but…”

“Doesn’t that mean you have three coaches at once?”

She beamed. “Yeah, two at once is nothing new for me, but three at once is one hell of an experience.”

I blinked. She furrowed her brow.

“I really could have worded that better.”

“I’m sure Annabel would approve, though.”

“I mean, it’s true that we’ve had—”

“I don’t want to know.”

She laughed, turning back to the stream below us. “It’s a lot going on, and yeah, I’m exhausted. This is the first time all month I’ve gone out anywhere fun. But… I’m enjoying it, you know?”

I gave her a long, studying look. “You know… you still never really said if you actually want to go to the Olympics.”

“Mm. I’ve been thinking about it, you know?” She shrugged, turning around and leaning backwards against the railing, casting her gaze up to where the canopies of the trees were in half-bloom swaying overhead. “And honestly, I don’t know either. But what I do know is that I want to try. I don’t know if I actually care about the Olympics, but I do know that I… I want to find the limits of my abilities. And to go as far as that will take me. So the Olympics are more a means than an end.”

“Huh.” I turned and sank back against the railing next to her, following her gaze up, watching the strips of darkening sky through the trees. “That’s pretty smart.”

“I try.”

“Any idea what you’re doing after graduation?”

Her smile faltered. “Um… I’m still figuring it out.”

I shrugged. “Your life has changed a ton in the past year. It makes sense you wouldn’t know how to plan for the future.”

“Yeah, I guess so…” She kicked lightly at the earth. “My mom told me I could work with her, travel alongside her and help with the business. And I think I’d have no problems getting a job in DC or something. And I feel like I should—be doing something big, chasing the limits of my potential—but I don’t want to leave Bayview.”

“Your mom’s been working from wherever she likes in the world. Couldn’t that be Bayview?”

“Yeah, maybe. I guess it’s just about… figuring out what I’m supposed to be doing with myself.”

“Loaded word, supposed to.”

“No kidding. I’m just focusing on the here and now.” She turned to me with a big smile. “Thanks for hearing me out, though. I always feel like I can trust you with these things.”

“Anytime.” I smiled lightly at her. “Thanks for sharing.”

“So now, in exchange, you’ll tell me why you won’t ask Paisley out?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Because I’d rather fall off a bridge and die?”

“That seems a bit dramatic…”

“There’s nothing between me and her. Just a little crush that’s all history now.” I pushed away from the railing, starting back in the direction of where I could hear the party settling down, the chatter dwindling away. “I appreciate you being supportive, though.”

“Hey, I’m just saying…” She pushed off from the railing too, keeping up with me. “Running away from my feelings certainly didn’t work. And running towards them did. Even when it was hard.”

It wasn’t that I wanted to run away. Just… I wish there were some way to convey to Priscilla that it was different. Some way to get it across without making her hate me for it.

“Thanks,” I said offhandedly. “We’ll see.”