Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Harper

Hampton Plaza was dressed up nicely for the festival. The festival committee—fronted by Emberlynn this year, because of course Emberlynn wasn’t passing up an opportunity to organize a social event—had paid nicely for me to stock the place with baked goods, and they hadn’t pulled any punches with the décor, either. The white lattice was all dressed up with ribbons and netting, flower arrangements along the square and in the field, and I’d arrived to unload the baked goods early, while they were still setting up the decorations.

Emberlynn almost bumped into me, carrying an armload of paper tableware, and she beamed at me through sleep-deprived, dark-ringed eyes.

“Hey,” she said. “Thanks for getting everything in on time.”

“You get any sleep last night?”

“A little,” she laughed, leaning against the buffet table, setting down the stuff she was carrying. She covered up a yawn. “I told myself I’d go to bed no later than ten so I could get up bright and early for this. Good news, I think I got the perfect guitar for the intro. Drum entrance is really on-point too.”

“Bad news is you were up until two doing that.”

She put her hands on her hips. “It was only one-thirty, thank you very much.”

I laughed. “Take it easy today, all right? You’re not the only member of the planning committee.”

“Yeah, I’m lucky Annabel was able to sign up this year…” She waved a hand across the plaza, towards where Annabel and Aria were hanging up a curtain along the edge of the plaza. “She was touch and go until the last minute, but she managed to make it.”

“Think it’s just because she wants to hit on Aria?”

“Probably. But I’ll take what I can get,” Emberlynn said, rubbing her eyes before she caught herself. “Shoot. My eyeliner. Did I smudge it?”

“You’re good,” I laughed. “You actually participating in the festival, or are you going to sleep through it?”

“Um… still up in the air. And you?” She gave me an odd, sidelong smile. “First time in a while you’ll get to attend with someone.”

“I—Emberlynn, I’m not dating anybody.”

“You think I can’t see through Paisley’s whole thing?” she said through another yawn. “Not like she’s being subtle. Stealing my girl.”

“That’s…” I felt my face burn. I hated that it did that. “You know her damn well enough to know she just says things.”

She smiled sadly at me. “You know, if you’re leaving, what does it matter? Might as well enjoy it—that time you have here with her.”

“I…” I looked away with a frustrated sigh. “I’ve got stuff to do.”

“Mm-hm.”

I spoke in a smaller voice, quieter, just a breath. “Look… I don’t want to hurt her. Or myself. There’s no sense just… chasing something that’s about to vanish and breaking our hearts.”

“Trust me,” she said, putting a hand on my arm, “it doesn’t work like that. You have those feelings whether you act on them or not. It’s still going to be heartbreak. You’re just going to regret not doing anything with those feelings.”

I sighed, long and distant, staring out to the field, where Gwen and Kay had shown up now, setting up the sound system. They were an obnoxiously cute couple, Gwen wearing a pantsuit and Kay in a pink minidress, and Kay was practically attached to Gwen’s arm, giggling about something.

It was a universe I never knew, was never allowed to know. Something so far away from me, I could never reach it. I’d tried once, tried with Annabel, and… even though I said it was about her being attracted to other women, I had to admit it had just been an excuse for the real reason.

I could hardly be like that. Just… prance around dating, frivolous, having fun, being together with somebody, when I was… well, when I was Harper. When she’d died for this.

Emberlynn sighed. “You know… I’m going to miss you.”

“Mm. You’ve always been good to me.” I focused on moving things around on the table, adjusting the presentation just so. Just keeping my hands busy. “Giving me a never-ending list of social events to keep me busy.”

“Make sure you visit sometimes, okay? Not that long a flight from NYC to here.”

“I know. I’ll, uh…” I sighed. Emberlynn followed my gaze out to the field, Ms. Connelly adjusting her flower arrangements, Charlie there with her. Girl had taken to Ms. Connelly like the grandmother she never had.

They’d be just fine without me.

“I’ll make sure I swing by,” I lied, my heart not really in it. “Wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing what questionable work situation you’ve gotten yourself into this time, how much Priscilla has gotten on her plate…”

“It’s a family. Bit of a messy one sometimes, but it’s mine.” She smiled sweetly at me. “And it’s yours. No matter how far you are. All right,” she said with a yawn, stretching her arms over her head, “I should finish setting the tables… just a bit left to do now and then I’ll see if I can stay awake.”

Bayview was never a town where people took anything too seriously, so nobody actually showed up at the official start time—half the people showed up early and the other half would stroll in at some point. Either way, for once, Paisley was in the early crowd, turned out, because I was in the middle of a conversation with Aria wondering if I was supposed to tell her now that I was leaving and suddenly blanking on how—I jumped when someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned back and felt my heart in my mouth at the sight of Paisley, wearing a pale gold dress and sandal heels, a light and fresh makeup look, and her hair braided. I’d never even seen her with her hair braided. Hardly an everyday look for her, but it was cute. Good for an event.

“Don’t just gawk,” Paisley said, putting a hand on her hip. “I’m expecting a compliment.”

Behind me, Aria laughed. “Someone’s dressed up today.”

Paisley sniffed dismissively at the air, not looking away from me. “Hm… I’m choosing not to acknowledge that she’s here.”

“That’s a new dress,” I said, something fluttery in my heart. She’d been going out more and more wearing these kinds of looks, a little at a time, but this was her first time attending an actual major event like this, one where half of Bayview would see her. “It’s gorgeous. Did you pick it out with Kay?”

“Nope.” She puffed her chest out. “Grabbed it myself. Specifically for the festival. It’s got total spring vibes, am I right or am I right?”

“Definitely right,” I said. “Honestly? I didn’t know you even could braid your hair that well.”

She beamed. “Can’t. Tried it and it looked like I had a bird’s nest on my head. I asked Priscilla to help.”

“It’s a cute look,” Aria said. Paisley shrugged.

“Still don’t hear anything from that direction.”

Aria put her hands up. “Far be it from me to commit the grievous sin of complimenting you, Paisley, dear. Have fun, you two.”

My first instinct was to reach out and catch her before she could walk away, grab her by the hand and tell her we’re not dating or anything like that, but… well, that would just make things more suspicious.

Besides, we were.

I nodded Paisley towards the front of the plaza, where people were lining up and gathered around the buffet tables, sitting at the tables in their pink-and-white checkered tablecloths, faint music streaming from the speakers around the square. “Hey,” I said. “You remember that peach-mint jam you were obsessed with?”

She lit up. “Oh my god. Did you bring it here?”

“I can do you one better. Made danishes and cream puffs with it. Just for you.”

Paisley beamed so bright it was like there was nothing else in the universe. “Harper. Oh my god. I’m a lucky woman. I’m stealing, like, five. And you. C’mon.”

She took my hand, and my heart jumped into my mouth when she leaned in and gave me a swift peck on the cheek, leading me towards the food.

Why couldn’t I pull away? Why couldn’t I tell her we needed to stop this?

Not that it mattered. Forty people had just seen her kiss me. This was Bayview, so by the end of the night, everyone would know.

So most of all, why wasn’t I upset?

I wanted this so badly. So badly, it tore something out of me, and it left me hollow, aching, bleeding, even as I stood by the food line next to Paisley and listened to her gush about the pastries, even as I laughed together with our friends who were all, ever so politely, not saying anything about the two of us.

Nobody until, of course, Priscilla showed up.

It was an hour into the festival when she showed up—her special training session was scheduled right at the start of the festival, and unsurprisingly a well-regarded Olympic coach couldn’t spare a lot of flexibility on time—and I’d gotten a second to myself, sitting at the edge of the square watching as Paisley and Emberlynn chatted about something together, leaning over the railing between the plaza and the field. I’d been so focused on the two of them—something there that I wasn’t sure how to describe—that I didn’t even notice Priscilla coming until the chair pulled out next to me, scraping over the stone.

“Hey there,” she said, smiling softly at me as she sank into the seat.

“Hey. You’re… dressed better than I expected. Thought you’d throw a shirt and pants on over your swimsuit, towel your hair out halfway…”

She laughed lightly, looking down at the form-fitting silver dress she was in. “Oh… you know. I’d die if I went out without dressing up. Plus, Annabel likes this dress, and I’m a sucker for her, so… you know.”

I longed for a world where she hadn’t said that. I had enough first-hand experience to know Annabel loved a dress like that specifically because it could slide right off. It was a relief to realize I didn’t feel jealous, just… like I didn’t want to know about my friends’ sex lives.

Maybe it was a relief I was leaving. If I stayed here, stayed with Paisley, people would definitely find out about my sex life. It was a miracle she hadn’t already let slip about anything we’d done, but I especially didn’t need anybody to know about me and her strap last night…

“It’s good to see you again,” I said, pulling my mind up out of the gutter. “Tell me you’re getting a break soon.”

She hung her head. “Thank god, yes. Spring break is the week after next.”

“Oh yeah? Fun plans?”

“Annabel hasn’t mentioned?” She tucked her hair back behind her ear, blushing a little as she glanced across the square to where Annabel was half-arguing, half-laughing over something together with Gwen and Kay. “We’re, um… kind of taking a vacation together. Not far, just a little getaway for the two of us.”

“Little lovebirds.”

“Look who’s talking,” she said, nodding towards Paisley. I looked away.

“C’mon.”

“You’re freer these days. So is she. It’s good to see she’s embracing putting herself out there more.”

“With some help on the braids.”

She laughed. “Um… her initial effort wasn’t, you know… it wasn’t that bad.”

“Coming from you, that’s devastating.”

“So?” She leaned towards me, folding her arms on the table. “You and Paisley—”

“It’s nothing.”

“You came here together, didn’t you?”

“Er…” I scratched my head. “I mean, not strictly.”

She sighed, watching me for a while, and I felt like ripping my own skin off under her gaze. Maybe I needed to dive under a table or something. It was probably only a matter of time before she read my mind and said something I didn’t need to hear.

It was only a matter of time, turned out. She scratched idly at her wrist and said, “So… what is it?”

“I came here by myself, just setting up—”

“Not that. Just… where are you?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Not that far. I believe if you look really hard, you’ll find me.”

She smiled thinly. “I’ve been trying, and I haven’t found anything. I’ve wondered… for a while. Why is it like you aren’t there?”

I turned away. “Ah. Back to this.”

“You never told me why you’re so afraid of admitting to your feelings for Paisley. You’re leaving and you won’t tell anyone, too.”

“I’m going to—”

“But that’s not really what gets me the most,” she said, speaking carefully. “What gets me the most is that… you aren’t… sad over leaving.”

I tensed up. “I mean—”

“But you aren’t happy, either.”

I hung my head. “So. You want to tell me what it is that I’m feeling? Let’s skip the preamble and just get to it.”

She studied me for a while before she spoke, again, carefully, measuring out each word. “Okay. I mean, I can take a guess. But I told you I’m not a mind reader. It’s just what I’m feeling.”

“Hit me.”

“You’re doing it for someone else. Doing everything for someone else. And it’s… it’s not Paisley. Even though you love her.”

“I—” I scratched my head, sighing, looking away, mostly to hide the burning sensation in my chest. “Now we’ve decided I’m in love with her, huh?”

“Is that what it is?”

I needed to stop spending time with this woman. “Not quite.”

“Mm… you won’t look right at me, though. So I don’t think that’s far off.”

“Priscilla—do you do this with everyone you know?”

She laughed. “No. I know it annoys most people. You’re more patient than most.”

I closed my eyes, sinking against the table. “Did you try the rhubarb pie? I know you were looking forward to strawberry-rhubarb season.”

She quirked a smile at me. “You have everybody’s pastry tastes filed away like birthdays and anniversaries, don’t you?”

“Mm-hm. So please do update me if your tastes change, I need to adjust the Rolodex.”

She blinked. “The what?”

“I forget how young you are sometimes…”

“I did not try any of the food yet,” she said, sitting up straighter. “But I will. Now… did we dodge the topic for long enough?”

“Eh… I could still go for longer.”

Her face fell, expression turning more serious. “You’re leaving before too much longer. Are you going to just disappear without anybody ever really knowing you?”

I winced. “You’re cutting today, aren’t you?”

She looked down. “Sorry. That came out harsh. I didn’t mean it like that. Just… I just think… it’s just that you deserve better. I know that.”

I kicked at the dirt. “So, who do you think this person I’m living for is? Since you’ve got me all figured out.”

“I don’t know…” She chewed her cheek. “All I know is that when we talk about them, it’s just… you miss them terribly. So much.”

I really needed to stop hanging out with her. I massaged my temple. “Well, I’m sure they were lovely, whoever they were.”

She paused. “Were implies they’re gone.”

“Ugh, god.”

“So there is someone. Was someone.”

My head felt icy all of a sudden. “Priscilla, I don’t want to talk about this,” I said, my voice bitterly cold, and Priscilla flinched.

“I… all right.” She softened. “I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up anymore.”

Dammit. This was why I needed to leave. I was surrounded by people who saw right through me, who had spent the past years picking at me until they could see through the cracks and see what was underneath, and I didn’t… I didn’t want them to see her.

Lindsay was gone. And if I was keeping it that way, I’d have to keep moving.

A cold resolution settled in my stomach. I have to keep moving echoed in my mind, a chilling refrain that left a bitter, metallic taste in my mouth.

Leaving Bayview probably wasn’t going to be the end. I’d get comfy in New York, and I’d probably meet people there—make friends, get close to people. Maybe even develop feelings for someone. And one day, one of them would start peeking through the cracks too, and then I’d have to go. On to the next place. It could only ever make me better, make me stronger.

Susanna Holcomb was a savior, in a way. Inviting me out of this town. I couldn’t afford to stay here a moment longer. I was getting out, and not a moment too soon, and I’d learned my lesson.

And I had to learn how to do it without hesitation. Without dragging myself down in it just because I had friends, just because I was in love with someone.

It was the least I could do. If I couldn’t say I was sorry, this was all there was to do.

I stood up, pushing my chair back, a feeling in my stomach like a cable wound tight.

“I’m going to see Emberlynn,” I said. “Maybe… make some kind of announcement. Let everyone know I’m going. Guess it’s now or never.”

Priscilla moved quickly, standing with me, and she caught me with a hand on my arm. “Harper—”

I pulled away. “It’s okay.”

She caught me again, her hand back on my arm. “Good luck,” she said, her voice soft. “It’s probably going to bring up a lot of feelings. Hard ones. Just… give yourself space to feel them, okay?”

I sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly dizzy. Priscilla was a good friend. A better friend than I deserved.

“Yeah.” I let out my breath slowly, and somehow or other, I let myself give Priscilla a tight hug—it had just happened naturally, and I squeezed her, but it felt right. “Thanks, Priscilla. You’ve been there for me through a lot. It means a lot.”

“Likewise. I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you.”

Turned out knowing someone wasn’t always easy. Turned out sometimes saying hello meant saying goodbye.