Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Paisley

I sang quietly to myself as I fluffed my hair up in front of the mirror, checking my blowout, twirling in my outfit—I kind of looked like a fashion model in my sleek new high-waisted pants and fitted tank, and it really tied the whole look together when I pulled on the yellow coat that was totally my new favorite piece.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I laughed, doing another twirl in front of the mirror before I blew myself a kiss. “Oh my god. Narcissism never looked so good. Harper’s gonna love it.”

I just had to make it to the bungalow without anyone else catching me, because like… I wasn’t up to explaining this to anybody. As good as I looked, it would be embarrassing, and I’d die. So I hiked my bag up on my shoulder, slipped on my new favorite pair of heels—well, my only pair, but still—and I pushed out of the bedroom door and down the stairs, to where I instantly failed because Kay was in my living room.

“Hey—Paisley?” Kay clasped her hands over her face, eyes wide looking at me, and I gave her the very dignified and sensible response of throwing my bag at her face and screaming.

“Oh my god, what are you doing here!? You can’t just sneak into people’s houses!”

The bag hit Kay in the face, but she literally didn’t even care, which was unbelievable. She hurried out of the living room, eyes sparkling as she looked at me, and I wondered which window would be the best to throw myself out of. “Oh my god, is that you?”

“No! I’m…” I dropped my voice deeper, hunching my shoulders. “Uh… Harold.”

“You look amazing, Paisley. Oh my god, I barely even recognize you.”

I winced. “Um… really?”

She laughed, tugging lightly at my coat. “This is such a nice color on you. The material really works, too. I’d heard you went blonde, but… I didn’t know you’d had, like, a full-on glow-up.”

“Uh… I’ve been kind of keeping it on the DL.”

“You are, like, born for red lipstick. It looks amazing on you.”

Now, what was keeping Harper from complimenting me the same way? Kay needed to give her some lessons. I hunched my shoulders, looking away. “I’m gonna die of embarrassment over here. What are you even doing here?”

“Oh—I was just returning the silverware set I borrowed. Finally got my own… thanks for spotting me.” She stopped, furrowing her brow. “Also, like… literally who are you to try telling people not to appear randomly in people’s houses?”

“Ugh. Knock next time. You’re worse than a mouthful of bees.”

“I did knock. A lot.”

I must have been singing too loud. I wondered if Kay had heard it. I’d literally die if she had, so I decided to believe she hadn’t. “Well, you’re welcome. Feel free to pay me back with discounts on bubble tea. Let me guess, you got a set in magical rainbow unicorn colors?”

Kay pouted. “They’re regular silver.”

“Really.”

“I mean… except for the dessert set.”

“I knew it. Paisley had you figured out from the start.”

Kay waved her hands wildly in front of her face. “Oh, but forget me! You look so cute! Is this what you ran off for last time? Going to go… I don’t know, go shopping, get your hair dyed, whatever you did?”

“Oh my god, leave me alone. Harper’s gonna be standing around waiting and…” I stopped, seeing the look on Kay’s face lighting up. “Um. I mean… Harper is a metaphor in this case.”

“You’re going on a date with Harper?” She sounded close to bursting.

“No! Just… um. We’re just staying at a seaside bungalow together because it’s something she’s always wanted to try.”

She paused. “With… just the two of you. While you’re dressed like that.”

“Um. No.” The walls were closing in. Maybe I needed to knock Kay upside the head and make my getaway.

“That’s a date. Oh my god, you’re going on a date.”

“It’s not.”

“Why not?”

“Because I… said so.”

Kay made a face, sinking into a seat on the stairs. “Do you… not like her after all?”

“Well.” My heart was suddenly beating about twenty times too fast. I wished it would stop altogether.

Kay studied me carefully. “You… still don’t know?”

With a groan, I dropped onto the step next to her, pulling my knees up into my chest. “You said it’s like you can’t stop thinking about them, right? Wanting to be close to them, and touch them, and kiss them…”

She was quiet. I shot her a look.

“What kind of person has the audacity to not respond to Paisley Macleod?”

“I’m just thinking it probably means something that you remember what I said, basically word-for-word.”

“Oh. Uh.” I felt my face prickle. “No. It doesn’t.”

She tugged at my coat again. “Do you, uh… feel more like the dating type when you have this look on?”

“I don’t have a look.”

Kay blinked fast in bewilderment. “Paisley, you can’t… not have a look.”

“I’m not wearing clothes. You’re imagining it.”

“Not wearing clothes would be an even more, uh… noticeable look.”

I slumped forwards. “Ugh, we’re actually having this conversation. Can you kill me with a garden spade? Maybe douse me in lighter fluid and set me on fire first?”

“Um… no.”

“I guess I could,” I mumbled. “You know. Be more… uh… what was it I said?”

“Datey?”

“Yeah. Like—I could totally be going on a date in these shoes.”

“They are really cute. I’m a little jealous.”

“But, uh…” I shrugged. “It’s not really me, you know? I’m just putting on the look.”

She paused. “Paisley… that’s how looks generally are.”

“No, but you know what I mean, right? You could dress like a coal miner grandpa with a pipe and a faded newspaper, but you’d still be, like, unicorn rainbow baby. It would just be a costume.”

“How is coal miner grandpa with a pipe the first thing you get to?”

“And this is the same thing. I’m just doing this kind of thing because Harper’s going to keep it top-secret, but it’s not me. Just… something I’m doing.”

“Um…” She chewed her lip. “I think maybe all looks are like that, too. Something you put on, something you actively do. And they do change over time. That’s true of everyone. It doesn’t mean you have one just… naturally associated with who you are.”

I kicked idly at the stairs, just being petulant and not looking at her.

“But just for the sake of argument,” she said, “let’s pretend that you were to become this person you’re dressing up as. Would you be able to date then?”

“Well… no. It wouldn’t change, you know, like—the fundamental part of me.”

“Which is?”

“God, you ask so many questions.” I folded my arms. “Okay, okay. I, um… I guess I might have a crush on Harper? I don’t know. I guess.”

Kay’s face lit up. I wanted to run away and hide in the bushes and dig myself a hole and crawl into it and bury myself alive and die there, never to be found. “Yeah?”

“She’s just… I just like her. I don’t know. I keep thinking about her, and I want to be close to her and touch her and kiss her. So I guess I fulfill all the criteria. So… there. That’s that, I guess. Can I go now?”

Kay laughed, standing up and offering a hand, helping me up with her. “I’m really excited for you. That’s a big realization to come to. So… are you going to tell her? Because I bet she’d love to make this… mysterious unnamed outing into an actual date.”

I folded my arms, looking away. “Ugh. It’s complicated, okay? We don’t need labels and stuff, we can just keep kissing and things.”

Kay looked like she’d just won a million magical unicorn dollars. “Keep kissing?”

“Oh. Uh.”

“You kissed Harper.”

“No! Not even once.”

“Multiple times?”

I waved my hands frantically. “Never! I would never kiss her. Or anyone!”

“When did you kiss her?”

“Oh my god, you are so not listening to me!”

“Did she kiss you back?”

“No! Because, uh… there was no kiss to begin with.”

Her face fell. “Oh… she didn’t?”

“No—it’s not that. Um…” I put a hand over my face, sinking against the wall. “Oh my god. Okay. I did. And she did. And that’s the last thing you’re getting from me on the subject. We’re not dating. Just let a girl kiss her friend sometimes. That’s it. End of story. Fin. Kaput.”

She hugged me. I groaned, resigning myself to hugging her back. Nobody suffered like Paisley Macleod suffered.

“You two are so cute,” she laughed. “I’m really happy for you!”

“You are not listening.”

She stepped back from the hug, eyes shining. “Do you want to go shopping together?”

“No! I have a date.”

She smiled. I scowled.

“Dammit.”

“I don’t mean right now,” she laughed. “In general. You know I love clothes and fashion and stuff. I would literally love it so much if I got to help you, you know, style up, find your look.”

I was suddenly so self-conscious it felt like my skin would all up and crawl away. I hugged myself tightly, suddenly really fascinated with the leaves outside the window. “Um… I think you’d be disappointed.”

“What? Disappointed how?”

“Just, you know.”

She waited a while before she said, “Um… typically you’re supposed to follow that up with what the actual answer is.”

“You’re so stodgy.”

“Stodgy?”

“I told you this isn’t really me. And I don’t know what I’m doing.”

She swatted my arm. “Oh my god, you dork, that’s literally why I’m offering. I can give advice and stuff! I know clothes better than you, and you know your likes better than me. Two heads are better than one!”

“Um. Maybe.” I scratched my head. “You’re not going to tell anyone, right? I’ll have you disappear if you do.”

“No need for mafia-esque threats, I’m not telling a soul.” Her expression softened. “Relax. I get that this is a big step for you. And I’m super, super excited for you. Both, you know, changing up your style, and your date with—”

“There’s no date and I’ve gotta go,” I said, turning and heading out the door. Kay shouted something behind me, but it turned out that when I had to go, heels were no impediment to Paisley Macleod—I sprinted over the pavement and didn’t slow down until I was at the end of the street, turning the corner and disappearing.

I texted Harper on my way, walking with my head down so nobody would see my face and realize. i’m sorryyyyy i got held up!!! out the door running rn

I’d kind of expected you’d just forgotten about this and were playing tennis

hey!!! i don’t have the attention span of a coked-up fruit fly

It wasn’t too long, thankfully, before I got to walk under the creaky old wooden archway and onto the boardwalk to where Harper was leaning against the rail, looking out over the water. The boards creaked underfoot, and she turned to look at me, her lips parting, eyes widening a fraction.

Ugh. The dork. As if she hadn’t seen me in my nice clothes. We’d kicked a couple of buckets since the treehouse—or whatever the saying was—and had a happy week of sneaky little rendezvous, but she still looked at me like she was seeing something rare and incredible. And I, uh, didn’t want her to stop doing that literally ever.

Of course, she’d stop once she left Bayview. But I threw the thought into a big, heavy box and padlocked it shut.

“Hey, loser,” I said, walking over to her side. “I’m sure you were on the edge of your seat waiting for the VIP—”

“You styled your hair differently.”

“Oh. Uh.” I nudged it, suddenly self-conscious. “I dunno, did I?”

I one hundred percent did, hoping she would comment on it. But now I was nervous about her commenting on it. What a world.

She smiled lightly, distantly, like she didn’t realize she was doing it. “You did. It looks really good on you.”

I felt swimmy and bubbly-happy all of a sudden, but I put my hands on my hips. “See? It’s not that hard to compliment me when you see me.”

She flinched, only just realizing she had complimented me, and she looked away. “I just… er… forget it. Let’s get going. My feet are killing me from standing around all day.”

“I was four minutes late. You run a bakery. You’ve been on your feet more than four minutes at a time.”

“Suddenly I can’t hear you.”

“Hey!” I jogged to catch up as she started away, walking alongside her. “You don’t want to play that game. You know how loud I can raise my voice.”

She laughed, and we settled into easy conversation, small talk, as we walked under the softening dusk that spilled from the horizon and over the water. It was pretty, casting the ocean in all shades of orange and deep vermillion, with a cool breeze blowing in over the water, and all I could think was that it was really awfully romantic.

This was what people did, right? Take the girl you liked out on a date to walk on the boardwalk together, head to a special place to spend some time together with just the two of you. You’d watch the stars come out over the ocean, hold hands, and stare deep into one another’s eyes. And all of that sounded… nice, with Harper.

So why didn’t I just say I liked her? Why did it feel like I had cotton balls jammed down my throat?

The bungalow was a cute little colonial-style thing jutting out over the water, past all the shops and where the boardwalk weaved through little resort houses, and Harper led me up to the front door, salmon-pink with a shiny gold number and doorhandle. She punched in a code on the keypad by the door, and she pushed the door open when it clicked.

“Home sweet home,” she said. “For a night, at least.”

“Oh my god, it’s so cute,” I laughed, hurrying inside ahead of her, into where the living room was all dressed up with pastel pink and blues, and even a little snack buffet set up on the limestone countertop into the galley-style kitchen. The wall was all windows out onto the water, a glass door leading out onto a rear deck, and the view was just unbelievable. Maybe the sunrise from a place like this was worth waking up early for.

“I am honestly impressed how well you move in heels,” Harper said, stepping inside behind me and shutting the door.

“Oh.” I looked down at my feet. “I kinda forgot I was wearing them.”

“Unbelievable. To think Paisley Macleod, rather than her sister, is the one who’s so comfortable in heels she forgets she’s wearing them.”

I flushed, suddenly self-conscious. “Leave my sister out of this.”

“All right. I said nothing. Just that they suit you well.” She took off her shoes and coat at the door, hanging her bag up before she came over and dropped down on the cozy couch, faded from use, sand-brown to match the sisal rug. She looked cute in a light blouse, mint-green, and it only really dawned on me then as I was sitting down next to her that she didn’t normally wear colors, let alone pastels.

The idea of her dressing up for me was kind of… it made my throat feel tight, and I wasn’t emotionally ready to ask myself why.

“Thank you,” I said, finally, flexing my feet out. “I make anything look good.”

“Going to start a collection of high heels?”

I stuck my tongue out. “Maybe. What are you going to do, fight me over it?”

“Somehow that wasn’t what I was thinking.”

“Well, boo. Maybe you should fight more often.”

“How’d you get held up?”

I cleared my throat. “Um… Kay caught me.”

She looked far too amused. I was going to fight her. “Oh, I’m sure that was fun.”

“Close your mouth. Ugh. She would not let me go.”

“But she loved your style, I’m assuming.”

“Well…” I flopped back in the couch, feeling the cold air of the AC nip at my ears a little, staring out over the foreverness of the ocean ahead of us. “I guess so.”

She sank back on the couch next to me, letting out a long sigh, before she stood up suddenly. “Oh, before I forget. I brought the strawberry shandy you like.”

“Just for me? Oh my god, you’re an angel.”

“No. Just for me. I’m going to drink them all in front of you.”

“Hey!” I shot her a withering glare as she came back from where she hung up her bag, a cooler pouch in hand. “You’re a monster. You wouldn’t dream of doing me dirty like that.”

“Not on my life. I’d wake up with my throat slit.” She pulled a can of the pink-and-green shandy out, handing it to me, and took one out for herself, kicking her feet up on the table as she cracked the top, taking a long swig. I popped mine open, too, drinking in the sweet bliss, and I let out a satisfied sigh that, on reflection, sounded a little more like a moan. Harper looked away.

“Oh my god, it’s amazing,” I said. “You’re the best in the world.”

“Emberlynn let me have the extras after Sunday, so… I didn’t really do anything.”

“You’re insufferable. Take a compliment.”

“So… how are you feeling with somebody else knowing about your secret identity?”

“Ugh.” I knocked back another sip of the shandy. “She was nice about it, just… a lot…”

“Let me guess. She offered to take you shopping because she’s too excited to sit still.”

“Got it in one.”

“Going to do it?”

“I… guess?” I felt my face burn. “I don’t know. It feels weird.”

“It feels like then it’s too real?”

I paused. “I… yeah, maybe.”

“Like you’ve been experimenting with this thing secretly, in private. You’ve been able to liberate yourself a bit because you feel like you’re in a safe space to experiment. But if somebody else is there… not to mention Kay’s a bit of a blabbermouth.”

“Yeah.” I sank back in the couch, watching out the window as the water rolled in light waves. “Yeah, pretty much. It feels like then I’m supposed to be doing a… um, she said a glow-up, so I’m just running with that. Like I’m supposed to be doing a glow-up, and doing it correctly.”

“You don’t have to go with her to do anything. But if you do, you also don’t have to do it in any kind of way. It should just be fun.”

I shifted closer to her side. Any amount of distance between us suddenly felt like too much, and I just wanted to wrap myself around her and hold her tight, like we could become one. Was that also a sign that I had feelings for her? Who did that, anyway? I wasn’t ready to be such a cliché. “I guess you’re right,” I mumbled. “You’re kind of smart, sometimes.”

“For one who complains about me not giving compliments, you certainly don’t give compliments.”

I buried my face in her shoulder. “You know, I think you’re really beautiful…”

She flinched like I’d thrown something at her. “Hold on. Oh, god. No, I wasn’t asking for compliments.”

I pouted, turning away. “Oh, I see. You don’t like me thinking you’re beautiful. Well, then I’ll just go somewhere else.”

“No—oh my god, Pais, don’t be difficult.” She latched onto my wrist, and it seemed to slow time down, just… sitting there, her hand on my wrist, the ocean rolling out in front of us, me and Harper side-by-side. Slowly, I shifted back against her side, and with my heart pounding in my chest, I let myself rest my head on her shoulder. It just… felt right. Like I just fit perfectly there, slotting in just right.

Harper slipped her hand down until it linked with mine, and somehow or other, our fingers interlaced. How about that?

“You know,” I said, at length, “this is the second bucket with an overnight stay. Is this just a cry for help saying you need more sleep?”

“I didn’t think so, but I wouldn’t be surprised if on some level…”

I sighed, squeezing her hand, pressing myself firmly into her, and I heard myself let out a frustrated grunt. “I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns.”

“Paisley, hating me because I like to sleep.”

“Not that. Just…” I closed my eyes. “I wish you weren’t leaving…”

She drew in a sharp breath, and I knew I was supposed to regret saying it, but what the hell. I never did anything I was supposed to.

Finally, though, she let out a small sigh. “Me too.”

“Then stay.” The words tumbled out of me. She looked away.

“I’m… afraid I have to go.”

“Why? Your career is doing just fine here. The bakery is great. And doing better all the time! You could just start hiring people. That would be a huge step up. I bet—”

“I have to, Paisley. This is the way forward. Forward and up.”

“Why?” I pulled away from her, turning on her with that fire burning inside me, aching with the injustice of why she couldn’t just stay with me, why I wasn’t enough. “Is that really the most important thing? Like… just this arbitrary measure of the right way to progress? This whole ridiculous status thing? That’s what’s most important? That’s what’s going to make you happy?”

“It’s not about being happy,” she blurted, and I stopped, frowning.

She wouldn’t look at me, her gaze fixed squarely on the floor.

The silence suddenly felt oppressive, just the AC murmuring at the edge of the room, the distant sound of waves lapping past the doors. Slowly, I shifted closer to her. “Then… what in the world is it about?”

She sighed, hard, looking away. “I… I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Harper.” This time it was my turn to latch onto her wrist as she tried to pull away. “Stop running, dammit. Talk to me.”

“I would rather not.”

“Too bad.”

She hung her head. “I just… have a… duty. To do this.”

“A duty? To who? It didn’t even make you happy when you got first place in that contest. Who were you even doing it for?”

“It was… I…” She pinched the bridge of her nose, massaging gently. “I’m not supposed to be talking about this. You don’t need to hear me complaining.”

“Tell me or I scream.”

“It’s you. The whole world will know if I tell you.”

It stung like a barb, but I knew she didn’t mean it. Just lashing out defensively. I squeezed her hand. “Harper. You know I can keep a secret.”

“Yeah. No. Sorry. I just…” She shook her head, and she took a long swig of her drink before she set it down hard, hunching forward. “All you need to know is that I’m doing it for someone. Okay?”

It felt like she’d torn my chest open and ripped my heart out. I found myself left aching and empty, and the numb sensation gave way to a burning feeling in my chest, through my face, out to my ears. “Who?” I said, trying to sound casual. “Some cutie out there thinking of you?”

“No—it’s not that.”

“Are they waiting for you there? Is that what this is?”

“She’s not waiting for me anywhere, she’s dead,” she blurted, and she screwed up her face as the air suddenly felt cold, unfamiliar. I watched her for a second before I softened.

“Oh… I… I’m sorry.”

“Shit, I didn’t mean to say that,” she groaned, rubbing her forehead. “Christ. I wanted this to be nice. You and me and just…”

“Harper…” My throat was so tight I couldn’t breathe right. A hot sensation pressed into my skull. What else had Harper never told me? How little did I actually know her?

She turned away, sucking in a sharp breath. “I’m sorry. I just… I need a minute.”

“Wait,” I said, and—the jerk had the nerve not to listen to Paisley Macleod, of all people, because she slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind her, closing me into the silence of the living room alone.