Chapter 9

Nine

Jake

F or a few weeks, I was busier than ever between my normal client load and squeezing in Berta’s restoration when I could.

Unfortunately, nothing stopped me from wondering if Lily would call or show up to get an update on Berta.

Our shared dinner had gotten to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d started the subscription service she’d talked about or if she’d made any more progress on the farm.

Most women I’d dated liked the idea of me more than the reality. They thought I was a carefree guy who rode a motorcycle. In reality, I was a workaholic whose business came first.

The garage was my life. I wasn’t supposed to want anything else. I sure as hell shouldn’t be thinking about the blonde who ran a flower shop.

I rolled my shoulders back as I stood to work out the kinks. I’d gotten lost in my work yet again so I could avoid doing what I wanted to do—calling Lily to give her an update on Berta.

I was torn between wanting to pursue her and reminding myself I didn’t deserve someone like her. I’d bring her down. But then those were limiting beliefs I shouldn’t be adhering to anymore. I was a responsible business owner.

There was this underlying belief that I’d screw things up. I’d acted like an asshole when we’d first met, and I was sure to repeat it at some point. I couldn’t be the guy she needed.

Ryan grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and handed it to me. “How are things going?”

“I’m almost finished with this one.” I unscrewed the cap and took a long swig of water. I was dusty and hot. I could use a shower and a night outside the shop.

“You want to come over for dinner tonight?” Ryan asked.

I shook my head. “I can’t get away right now. I don’t want to fall behind.”

“You’re doing too much.”

I gestured at the full bay and the cars waiting outside. “I’m not doing enough.”

“We’re partners in this. It doesn’t seem fair that you’re the only one picking up the slack.”

“I’m sure there’ll be a time when the roles are reversed,” I replied, without thinking about what I’d said.

Ryan gave me a dubious look. “You really want to settle down?”

I chuckled without any humor. “No plans to.”

He tipped his head to the side. “So, when would our roles be reversed?”

I took another long drink of the water to formulate an answer that would get him off my back. Finding none, I finally said, “I don’t know. I’m just talking out of my ass.”

“Mmm,” Ryan said, and I knew he didn’t believe me.

“How are things going with Berta?”

“I’m keeping Lily updated.” I’d been sending her detailed emails. It was businesslike and left no room for small talk.

After eating dinner in the waiting room of the garage, I’d kept my distance. I didn’t want my body to think pursuing Lily was a good idea because my brain was firmly in the I’m-all-wrong-for-her camp.

Ryan raised a brow. “Yeah?”

“Is that supposed to mean something?” I asked, worried about what I was opening myself up for. Ryan never sugarcoated things with me. We’d both had fucked-up pasts and had been there for each other through everything.

“You never give out the loaner to anyone.”

My stomach tightened. “Lily needs something to transport her flowers.”

Ryan’s lips twitched. “You’re kind of proving my point.”

Impatient with this conversation, I asked, “Which is?”

“Do you like Lily?”

“Fuck no.” The denial was immediate. I didn’t want to discuss what had been going through my head the last few weeks. He’d try to convince me to give it a try, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to shut this conversation down.

But something on Ryan’s face had me turning around to see Lily’s face. She looked hurt. Fuck. She must have heard me. I was an asshole. This was why I couldn’t be with someone like her. I fucked everything up. I’d crush her like a flower in my fist.

“You want to see Berta?” I asked her over the burning sensation in my throat.

She swallowed hard and nodded.

I touched her elbow and guided her to the van. When we were outside, I let go of her and asked, “Did you overhear Ryan and me talking about you?”

Lily nodded, not meeting my gaze.

I ran a hand over my face. “I didn’t mean for you to hear.”

She looked away. “It’s not a big deal.”

I rocked on my heels, not sure if I would make things worse by trying to explain what was going on in my head. “But it’s not true.”

Her brow furrowed as she turned to face me. “So, it’s not true that you don’t like me?”

I nodded.

“Then why did you say what you did?” she asked, nothing but genuine curiosity in her face.

“I didn’t want to talk about it with Ryan. He’d try to convince me of things that aren’t possible.”

Her forehead wrinkled. “What’s not possible?”

I stepped closer to her, allowing myself to brush a strand of hair that had fallen out of her braid to the side. “You and me. We don’t make sense.”

She sucked in a breath. “How so?”

“We’re too different. You’re light and sunshine, and I’m heavy and dark.” That’s how I’d always felt growing up in Nana’s house.

“I’ve told myself the same thing.”

“You have?”

“I have a history of dating guys like you.” Her face flushed.

That was interesting. “Guys like me?”

“You know, guys who give off this bad-boy vibe.” Her face flushed a deep pink, as if she were embarrassed to admit that.

I let out a laugh. “Is that how you see me?”

“Obviously, I’m generalizing. I don’t know anything about you, but I sense that there’s something going on. Something holding you back from your potential. That you don’t see yourself like others do.”

We barely knew each other, yet she’d read me accurately.

“Am I right?”

“Close.” I wasn’t ready to tell her about my history, although she might have already heard about my past from Hailey or their friends. Hailey’s memory of our mother was different from mine. I was six years older, forced to grow up and care for my sister, even when we lived with my mother. I made sure Hailey ate, went to school, and did her homework.

“I’m attracted to you, and clearly, you feel the same, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. Not that that’s what you want either,” she finished in a rush, clearly flustered.

“I am attracted to you. But you’re right. I’m not interested in a relationship.” I wasn’t sure I’d ever want something serious, and she deserved more. She’d given me an easy out, and I’d taken it.

She nodded as if I’d confirmed what she’d been thinking. “Good. We’re in agreement then.”

She seemingly brushed off the conversation, then asked for an update on Berta. The entire time I circled the van, updating her on the progress, I was on edge, irritated by the way she’d dismissed me so easily.

When I finished, Lily said, “Thanks for taking good care of her.”

There was this chasm between us. A distance I couldn’t breach. She’d put up her boundaries, and I was powerless to knock through them. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.

“Of course.” I wanted Berta to be everything Lily envisioned—the symbol for the shop and the farm.

Lily smiled apologetically. “Sorry if things got a little awkward before. But I’m positive we can continue working together.”

Something about the way Lily was able to walk away from our conversation, like it meant nothing, got to me. I wanted to close the distance between us and pull her into my body. I wanted to crush my lips to hers. I wanted to know if she tasted like sunshine or something sugary and sweet. I wanted to show her how bad I could be, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want me.

My jaw tightened, and I flexed my fingers in a move to stop me from acting on my instinct. Everything inside me was telling me to shake her careful control, her rules, to show her that there was something more between us. I wanted her on a visceral level that transcended whatever bullshit she’d said to negate the possibility.

When I didn’t answer, she turned to walk away. I should stop her. I should tell her she was wrong. I did want something. I wanted her. But she’d made her wishes clear, and it wasn’t me. She was steering clear of guys like me.

The old inferiority complex reared its ugly head. She’d found me lacking. Pursuing something with her when she’d clearly told me her wishes wouldn’t get me anywhere. It wouldn’t change anything. At the end of the day, I wasn’t what she wanted.

When she was gone, I headed to my office to get a few minutes to myself. I stared at the computer screen, but I wasn’t seeing anything. All I could envision was Lily telling me I didn’t measure up and her walking away.

It’s what needed to happen, so why was I so shaken up about it? She’d done what needed to be done.

I sensed when Ryan walked into the small room, but I didn’t look up. Finally, he said, “You fucked that up.”

There was a tinge of amusement in his tone that I didn’t appreciate.

I stubbornly refused to look at him. “There was nothing to mess up.”

My words opened a hole in my chest, one I didn’t think would ever be closed again.

The bastard moved farther into the room. “Well, if there ever was a chance for you, there isn’t now.”

“Thanks for telling me the obvious.” I ran a hand through my hair, my stomach twisting painfully. If this was what I wanted, why did I feel like this? I wanted to tear something apart with my bare hands.

Ryan chuckled, clearly enjoying my irritation.

I finally turned my attention to him. “Is there a point to this?”

Ryan braced his hands on the guest chair. “Are you going to admit to yourself that you like her?”

A muscle ticked in my jaw. “I told her I did.”

He raised a disbelieving eyebrow.

“I’m not completely oblivious. I’m attracted to her.”

“Ahh,” he said as he moved to sit. “So, you told her you want to fuck her?”

“Fuck no. What’s wrong with you?” Lily wasn’t that kind of girl.

“You don’t think there’s something there? I’ve never seen you like this over a woman.”

I ran a hand through my hair again, every muscle in my body poised to escape this conversation. “I barely know her. I only talk to her enough to discuss Berta.”

I barely restrained myself from walking out. I couldn’t escape Ryan, not in this small garage. He’d just track me down and talk my ear off until I gave in to whatever he wanted me to admit.

“What about that night you ate dinner?” Ryan asked softly.

I let out a breath. “How did you know about that?”

Ryan shrugged. “I saw the takeout containers, and I was curious.”

“You watched the tapes?” We had cameras installed when there was a rash of burglaries at the other stores and restaurants in the area.

Ryan crossed his arms over his chest. “Wanted to make sure it wasn’t Corey getting into trouble again.”

“Good thing I wasn’t looking at the tapes when you were first messing around with Hailey.” The words were out before I could stop them.

Ryan visibly blanched at my words.

My eyes narrowed on him as my heart started to race. “Did you fuck my sister in this garage?” Suddenly sick to my stomach, I held up my hand. “Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

Feeling light-headed, I dropped my head into my hands. I couldn’t believe he’d put that picture into my head.

By the time I lifted my head, Ryan was halfway to the door.

“Please don’t mess around with my sister here.” I would have thought they were past that stage in their relationship. They shared a home now, and they weren’t sneaking around, hoping I wouldn’t find out about their relationship.

He turned slowly, his expression filled with regret. “I won’t check the feed anymore unless there’s a break-in.”

“I think that’s wise. Not that you’ll find anything. I don’t fuck around at work.” The words rang hollow in the cluttered space.

Ryan smiled slowly. “Famous last words.”

I hated how smug he sounded. Like he was an expert on relationships. Like he knew I’d never be able to resist Lily. I was stronger than that.

I’d stopped dating the good girls in high school when I realized I was just a ride on the wild side for them. A diversion from whatever strict upbringing or straitlaced parents they were escaping. They didn’t really want me. The guy who’d been abandoned by his mother. The one who was overprotective of his little sister and grandmother.

They wanted the motorcycle-riding troublemaker everyone assumed I was. It was easy to meet those expectations. But I’d come a long way from that guy.

A vision of Hailey and Ryan at the garage after-hours popped into my head.

Fuck. I didn’t need the visual of Ryan screwing around with my sister. Was it in the office or on the waiting room couch? I dropped my head back to stare at the ceiling. I’d never look at the couch the same way again.

It was too bad we’d already renovated the waiting room because I was itching to do it again. To clear any visions of those two together in my space.

I squeezed my eyes together tightly until my breathing had slowed and I wasn’t angry. When I calmed, I could see that Lily had done the right thing. She’d done what I hadn’t been able to do. She’d clearly placed a wall between us. Nothing could or would happen. She was too good for a guy like me.

No matter how much it hurt, I’d let it go. I had nothing to offer her except for something physical. She was right. I didn’t do relationships. Especially with women like her.

Before my mind went further down the negative spiral, I stood and headed back to the car I’d been working on all day. I’d get lost in my work and forget about Lily.

It was easier said than done, with her eyes taking up space in my head. When I emerged hours later, hungry and muscles tight from holding myself in awkward positions for so long, I wondered if Lily’s head was as messed up as mine was.

She occupied so many thoughts and desires running through my head. What if we gave in to our physical desires and enjoyed ourselves? Was there anything wrong with that? She didn’t expect me to be the good guy.