Chapter 17

Seventeen

Abby

W hen the front door clicked shut, I let out the breath I’d been holding. That was intense. Nick. The sex. Him perched in his briefs on my desk. My heart ached for him because I could see the raw emotion on his face. He was just as bowled over as I was by what had happened in that bed.

I needed to ignore it, glaze it over with another round of sex. I didn’t want to address what I saw or acknowledge I felt it too, so I used my body to make him forget. I wasn’t proud of myself.

But I wasn’t ready to deal with what he brought up. I doubt he was either. It was supposed to be us assuaging a physical need. It was hard for single parents to date. Harder still to find someone I could trust with my heart and body.

I trusted Nick to take care of me, to make me feel good. But I didn’t trust him not to hurt me. If I gave in to everything written on his face after the first round, I would have lost myself with him. I couldn’t afford to do that.

It took a long time for me to recover after Seth had left. It wasn’t so much that our relationship was solid, but that I depended on him being there. I relied on him. Trusted he had my back and wouldn’t walk away when I needed him.

Infertility had taken a toll on our relationship. Scheduled sex, injections, doctor’s appointments, medical procedures, the highs and lows. The anticipation that the next time would work, and the inevitable letdown when it didn’t was crushing.

Instead of turning toward each other, we lashed out at each other. Each quick to blame the other because the diagnostic testing revealed nothing. There was no reason we couldn’t get pregnant. None they could tell us. Without an answer, it was exceedingly frustrating.

I thought that was why he was so distant during the pregnancy. We just needed to heal the wounds we’d inflicted getting there, but it was much larger than I’d thought. He had unresolved issues with his father, which made him think he couldn’t be what Hunter needed.

Now, it didn’t hurt as much as it used to, but the memory was still fresh. I couldn’t get close to anyone else. I couldn’t let someone be in Hunter’s life and walk away. If my thing with Nick became a relationship, there was a good possibility it wouldn’t work out. I couldn’t take that chance.

Hunter’s well-being was too important to me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him again. If that meant I stayed single until he was in college, that was what I was prepared to do.

I steeled myself against what happened in my bed, gathering the sheets and blankets to throw them in the wash. Then I dressed quickly and put the spare set on the bed, so Hunter wouldn’t question why I was doing laundry in the middle of the day when I usually reserved housecleaning for the weekends.

I had just enough time for a quick shower to eliminate Nick’s spicy scent from my skin. I didn’t want the memory. I needed space and distance. With that would come clarity. If I got too close to Nick, I’d lose all sense of reality and give in to what he had to offer. I couldn’t afford to be reckless. Not anymore.

Hunter forced me to grow up and make adult decisions. I couldn’t forget the lessons I learned from Seth’s abandonment or the hills I’d climbed to get where I was today.

I stepped outside just as the bus was stopping at the stop sign and the kids were clambering off. Hunter was too old for me to wait by the intersection, but I needed to make sure he got on and off the bus okay.

He wanted more freedom, but that was as much as I willing to give him. He was my only child. I had to hold on tight with both hands. He was all I had.

“How was school?” I asked as he approached.

He gave me a weird look because I never asked the obligatory questions. I learned a long time ago it didn’t get me much more than grunt.

I sighed. “Sorry. I’m slipping.”

“I’m starving.”

I chuckled. “That’s more like it.”

I heated up our leftovers from the night before, knowing snacks wouldn’t satisfy him.

As I watched him eat, he talked a bit about his day, playing soccer at recess, winning the tournament in PE, and taking a quiz in math. I relished my time with him. Eventually, I knew he’d walk into his bedroom after school and slam it, effectively shutting me out. But we weren’t there yet. I still had a few more years of my sweet boy.

“Want to play catch?” he asked after he took his empty plate to the sink.

“Of course.” After school, we did whatever he wanted to do. I put work aside and focused on him.

I felt a twinge that I hadn’t really worked that day. I hadn’t even gone over the books with Nick. Instead, we did something far more satisfying.

Whatever emotions were bared during the act, my body felt worked over in the best way possible. For once, I felt like I’d taken care of myself. Given in to my needs. It was nice to indulge every once in a while. To not focus so much on work and the business or whether I was screwing Hunter up.

I felt lighter as we tossed the ball back and forth, less stressed as I crouched into the catcher position and he practiced his pitching.

“Can we play with Brody?” Hunter asked.

“You don’t like playing with me?” I teased.

Hunter winced slightly. “I do. But Brody’s more fun.”

“Ouch.” I held my hand to my chest, feigning mock hurt.

“You know what I mean. Kids are more fun.”

“Uh-huh. I got it. You can stop digging that hole you’re in.”

Hunter smiled. “So, can we ask him if he can come over?”

“I’m sure Nick and Brody are busy.” They were probably eating dinner or doing homework, and I wanted to avoid an awkward interaction after this afternoon.

“Please.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “I’ll text him, but I’m not making any promises.”

I took a few seconds to debate the best way to approach it.

Abby: Hunter wanted me to invite Brody over to play baseball.

I made sure it was obvious it was Hunter asking and not me. I didn’t want to blur the lines. But I hoped he’d say no.

I set my phone aside, and we played for a few more minutes.

“Did he say yes?” Hunter asked.

I reluctantly checked my phone, surprised to see a message.

Nick: Brody’s in.

Interesting he’d only referenced his son.

Abby: You want to come to my place?

I bit my lip. It was a playdate for the kids. It had nothing to do with whatever was happening between the parents.

Nick: We’ll leave in a few.

I didn’t need to panic about how clean the house was because I’d already picked up before he came over earlier. Not that he’d noticed. His gaze had been entirely on me the second he’d entered the house. I should’ve known something would happen.

He was not in the mood for numbers and spreadsheets no matter how much he said he liked them.

“They’re coming over,” I told Hunter.

He pumped his fist in the air. “Yes.”

I put my hands on my hips. “I feel so loved.”

His eyes softened. “I love you, Mom.”

I smiled. “I know you do. I’m just teasing.”

I knew him growing up was the process of him becoming more independent. I was preparing him for the real world and couldn’t hold on so tight. But it was hard.

I didn’t have anyone to share the parenting responsibilities with, so everything felt heavier. More important somehow.

I tossed him some pop-ups until the doorbell rang. Hunter ran to get it, and I didn’t stop him. I took the few seconds to school my features. I needed to prepare myself to be in Nick’s presence and not think about what we’d done just a few hours earlier.

I wasn’t sure how I would manage.

Hunter came through the slider followed by Brody.

I moved to the porch, giving them the yard.

Nick stood in the doorway, his shoulder resting on the frame.

“I’m sorry if we interrupted your evening,” I said, my voice a little breathless. Why was it so hard to get a full breath?

“We just did homework.”

“I haven’t even checked to see if Hunter has any. Although he usually does it before the bus gets home.” Thankfully, homework was light in second grade.

“Brody struggles a little, so we sit down and go over everything in his folder.”

I smiled at the image. “He doesn’t fight you?”

Nick shook his head, chuckling. “Oh, he does. He’s not used to anyone coming behind him to make sure he did what he was supposed to.”

“I’m sure it’s a learning curve for both of you.”

Nick looked at me, his expression open. I read everything he wasn’t saying. He was trying to be a good father.

“It’ll get better. That’s what I told myself when Seth left.” After what we’d shared, I felt like I owed him more of my past.

Nick must have sensed my anxiety. “We don’t need to talk about that if you don’t want—”

I shook my head. “No. It’s okay. You deserve to know. We went through infertility. Seth wanted a child. No one goes through treatments if they don’t want that.”

It had taken months of therapy for that fact to sink in.

Nick remained silent, letting me work through my thoughts.

“His issues with his father were bigger than I knew.”

“You won’t let anyone get close because you’re protecting Hunter.”

I sucked in a breath. “That’s exactly it.”

He nodded solemnly. “I get it.”

I waited for him to attempt to change my mind, but he didn’t. He fell silent until Brody called him over, so he could be the catcher.

I watched him with the boys. His gentle guidance. His reminders to use good form, to take their time, and to make sure they were set before they made good throws. He was patient with them and so good with them.

It hit me like a ball to the gut, knocking the wind out of me. Nick was the dad I imagined for my child when I got married to Seth. I never thought he’d leave. That he’d shirk his responsibilities. I’d always wanted to be a mother, so his betrayal was that much worse. Plus, it blew my confidence in my judgment. Could I pick the right guy? The one who’d stick by my side?

I had no confidence in myself when it came to relationships. So it didn’t matter how amazing the evening was with Nick, I couldn’t let myself fall for him. It would be so easy, but the outcome had the potential to blow my life up again. And there was no way I’d risk that.

They played until dusk when Nick declared it was too dangerous to keep playing. Besides, the boys needed showers and to get to bed.

“Thanks for inviting us over,” Nick said as I followed him through the house to the front door.

“That was all Hunter.” I wasn’t sure why I clarified that point. It was true, but I couldn’t deny the jump in my pulse or my accelerated heart rate when I texted the invitation.

I thought it might be awkward after what we’d shared that afternoon, but it hadn’t been. The boys went through the front door, leaving it hanging open.

Nick checked to make sure they stayed in the front yard before turning back to me. “I still need to look at your books.”

The way he spoke with his gaze taking me in from head to toe had me heating up. He’d been that intense when he’d come over that afternoon. He’d clearly reined himself in with the boys there.

“I don’t do any administrative things over the weekend. I have events, and I like to spend as much time with Hunter as I can. Are you free next week?”

“I can be.” His voice was deep, ripe with suggestion.

I wasn’t so sure we were talking about financial records. I think we were scheduling our next friends-with-benefits date. Either way, I was all for it. I didn’t want to hire an assistant, so I was fine with putting it off. In fact, if sex distracted him from his goal, I was all for that, and I’d enjoy myself in the process.

“I haven’t forgotten that we need to find money so you can hire some help.”

“Hmm,” I murmured noncommittally, not letting on that I was disappointed.

He glanced outside before maneuvering me out of the doorway. He brushed a hair out of my face and dropped his lips to mine. “I can’t wait for Monday.”

I leaned toward his body, giving in to my instincts to be close to him.

We hadn’t set an actual date, and I would have preferred putting him off like I had that week, but then his lips met mine, and all I could think about was how his lips felt against mine. Soft and pliable.

He lightly cradled the back of my head as he expertly explored my mouth before drawing back. My lips felt swollen, my breasts heavy.

The boys wouldn’t call out for us because they always wanted a couple more minutes to play. I wasn’t worried they’d look for us or ask where we were.

Nick smiled. “See you at practice on Sunday.”

I couldn’t respond. I lifted my hand to my lips, almost disbelieving he could make me feel that good. That afternoon wasn’t a dream or an anomaly. Nick was the real deal. I knew without a doubt I was in over my head.

I thought I could handle a friends-with-benefits arrangement without getting emotionally involved, but I was wrong.

It was dangerous, but I didn’t tell him no or tell him it was a bad idea. I wanted more time with him. I wanted everything he promised in his gaze.

From the porch, I watched Nick and Brody get in their truck.

“Can they come over again?” Hunter asked, his gaze on the truck as it drove out of sight.

“Sure.” The word came out more as a croak than anything else.

I went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I needed something to ease my parched throat, to cool my overheated body. Nick was good for my body, but not my mind.

My brain was a jumbled mess. I didn’t know what was right or wrong. What I should do or avoid. I was a mix of emotions and impulses. I wanted Nick to stay. I wanted him to play my body like he had earlier.

It was stupid to pursue our arrangement when nothing could come from it. But I couldn’t say no. Not when it felt so good.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Hunter said.

It was so unlike him that I couldn’t even respond. Usually, I had to bribe him with electronics to get him to bathe.

“Nick said it was important to shower every day. I don’t want to stink.”

Before I could respond, Hunter went down the hall to his bathroom and shut the door. I’d told him the same thing repeatedly. But coming from Nick, he listened?

It should have chafed, but he got the result I wanted. It was a good reminder that Hunter was desperate for male attention. That was why he was so quick to listen to Nick over me. I was there every day. Hunter knew I wasn’t going anywhere. It was the rest of the adults in his life he was worried about.

It made my thing with Nick that much more precarious. Hunter was already falling for him.