Chapter 19

Nineteen

Gia

M y chest ached when Silas left. I couldn’t believe he thought I’d go to my family’s dinner. It was like he hadn’t been listening at all.

I couldn’t be upset that he was going. He’d always been close with my family, separate from me. I wasn’t sure why I was so twisted up inside. When I thought he was seeing someone else, I felt something I hadn’t in a long time—jealousy—and I wasn’t sure what it meant.

We couldn’t tell my family we were together. They’d think I was crazy after how angry I’d been at Silas all these years. My brothers would be mad at Silas for hooking up with me. The whole situation was a disaster. We didn’t have a future, so why did it hurt when I sent him away?

I wanted to see him. I wanted to smooth things over, but I couldn’t go to my parents’. Every time I did, I got into an argument with my father.

I didn’t like how I’d left things with Silas. I’d needed space, room to breathe, but his leaving hadn’t helped. It only made everything worse.

We were in this weird limbo, where I wasn’t even sure we were seeing each other anymore.

I couldn’t pinpoint the moment that things went wrong. It could have been when I thought he was seeing someone else or when he said he wanted to be exclusive or that he was going to dinner with my family. It was probably all of it together. I’d felt this pressure build up, and it was like everything imploded. I couldn’t be around him anymore. I needed space and time to think.

But now that I had it, things weren’t any better. I wanted to go to him, to make sure he was okay, even if it meant going to my parents’ house when they weren’t expecting me.

I brushed my hair, washed my face, and reapplied my makeup. I wasn’t prepared to out Silas and me to my parents, so I’d have to pretend nothing had changed, and there was nothing between us. That might be harder than being with my family.

I took several deep breaths before I got into my car and drove the short distance to their house. They’d moved out of town when we were older to get some space from the restaurant.

But they still spent most of their time in the pizzeria, even though they claimed they wanted to retire.

I pulled into the driveway, where there was already a cluster of cars. Leo was with Harper and Evie now, but Matteo and Carlo were still single, or so they said. Mamma pressured them to get married and have kids, but she seemed slightly appeased with the addition of Evie.

When I walked into the house, the lively conversation in the kitchen stopped. Harper was the first one to recover. “Gia, I’m so happy to see you.”

She hugged me and whispered, “What are you doing here?”

I squeezed her in response, not sure what to say.

“We weren’t expecting you,” Mamma said. “We have plenty of food.”

“Are you sure it’s okay that I’m here?” I asked Mamma when she hugged me.

“Of course. You’re family.”

Tears sparked in my eyes as I moved to kiss Papà’s cheek. There had been this wall between us since I said I was going to start my own business. He’d never approved, and the worst part was how he’d kept bringing up how I could come back at any time.

I moved around the room, hugging Matteo first, who gave me a playful wink, and then Carlo. When I came to Leo, he asked, “What are you doing here?”

“I heard there was a family dinner tonight,” I teased.

“The more the merrier,” Mamma said, making me feel welcome again. It hurt her the most when I stopped attending family dinners, but she’d understood. She’d said Papà was stubborn, and he’d eventually come around, but he hadn’t.

Not that it mattered. I didn’t let anyone’s opinion of my business affect me anymore. All that mattered was how I felt about it.

Silas stood next to Leo, with Evie in his arms. I squeezed her knee. “Good to see you, squirt.”

She leaned down to hug me, and Silas’s body came with her to prevent her from falling out of his arms. His chest pressed into my shoulder.

I saw the question in Silas’s eyes, but I couldn’t let on that we were intimate. To maintain everyone’s expectations, I should have said something snarky to him, but I couldn’t manage it. I was too torn up about what happened earlier.

Slowly, the room filled with talking and laughter again, and I didn’t feel like I was being scrutinized as much. Mamma kept shooting me concerned looks, and Harper gave me a reassuring smile. Harper wanted me to come home more often too. We were like her second family since her mother hadn’t been around much growing up.

“Why did you come?” Silas asked once he’d set Evie down.

My heart pounded in my ears. “I didn’t feel right about what happened earlier.”

His expression was stoic. “We can’t discuss it here.”

“I know.”

He squeezed my shoulder but didn’t say anything else. We helped Mamma put the food on the large dining room table, and we all sat down to eat.

Silas sat next to Carlo and Matteo because Mamma knew enough to keep us separated. It was a good thing, but I hated being so far away from him after our fight.

We ate, and the discussion focused on the new pizzeria and its success.

“I’d like to offer the family-style items on the menu, not just for parties and catering orders.” Matteo spent most of his time in the kitchen.

The table fell silent. No matter how much Papà said he wanted to take a step back from the restaurants and retire, he was still the one in charge, and everyone knew it.

“I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Let’s say you have a large gathering or party scheduled, and you don’t have time to cook or clean your house. You can order the meals, and it’s taken care of.”

“When someone has a party, they order ahead of time.”

“But that requires forethought and planning. What if it’s an impromptu party or someone waited too long to order the food in time? This will allow for more orders.” He continued without waiting for Papà to respond. “I’d like to see if it would work. We can start with chicken parmesan. I’m thinking it will be eight chicken breasts with pasta. The salad and breadsticks can be add-ons. If it works, we can offer other options, but I would keep it to three or so entrées. We can package the salad dressings and sell them on the side too.”

“I love that idea,” I said to the quiet room. “It doesn’t hurt to try it. You’re already providing these types of meals for parties and catering. What’s the harm in allowing other customers to order the meals? I can see the appeal of a busy mom not wanting to cook for a large gathering.”

“You can’t just come home and offer us advice. You wanted out of the pizzeria. You made your choice,” Papà said.

My face flushed as a shocked silence fell over the table.

“This is a family matter,” Papà said stiffly.

I hadn’t planned to come tonight and cause a fight. “Am I not family?”

“You didn’t want to be part of the family business. I don’t understand why you do now.”

It wasn’t a question. Instead, his statements were intended to stop any further comments. I threw my napkin onto the table. “I don’t know why I came.”

It was only to see Silas, but it was shortsighted because my father wouldn’t change. Different ideas wouldn’t be welcomed. My brothers were better at convincing him to see their side.

“Papà didn’t mean that,” Mamma began as I stood.

“You don’t have to stand up for him. He said what he did. Nothing has changed. My opinion isn’t welcome here.”

“If you want to come back to the pizzeria, then we can talk.”

I stood by the table, my hands braced on the flat surface. “We’ve been over this a million times. I love running my own business. If I think something’s a good idea, I don’t have to run it by three brothers and my parents before I implement a new idea. Matteo’s idea is genius. With the increase in curbside pickup and online ordering, it’s the logical next step. It will add another income stream for the pizzeria. It’s forward-thinking, and I’m confident it will work. Not that you’ll listen to me.”

Then I walked out, despite my mother’s protests. I would never be welcomed in this family for who I was. I was almost to my car, my heart thundering in my chest, my frustration with my actions at an all-time high when someone grabbed my wrist.

I pulled it away from Silas. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“You wanted me to come tonight. Was it everything you hoped it would be?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

He let out a breath and looked away from me. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t understand how it is with me and my family. Papà respects my brothers’ opinions but not mine. If I ever came back to work at the pizzerias, I could only do it if I was okay with no one listening to me.”

“I’m sorry, Gia.”

“Now you know.” I pulled open my door.

“What are you doing out here, Silas?” Leo asked, with Harper at his side. Evie must have been inside with my parents.

I looked from him to Silas. What could he say? He certainly couldn’t admit the truth.

“I was—”

Leo’s eyes widened as he looked from Silas to me. “Is something going on between you two?”

Harper’s expression filled with guilt.

“Silas was just leaving,” I said, trying to salvage the situation.

“In the middle of dinner?” Leo asked and then looked at Silas. “Did you come out here to see if my sister was okay?”

The way he emphasized my sister meant he was not okay with what he suspected was going on between us.

“Someone had to,” Silas said stubbornly, and I wished he’d lied. I wasn’t prepared to deal with my brother’s wrath.

“First, you can’t seem to get along with our parents, and now this?” Leo asked.

I sucked in a breath. “What are you talking about?”

“You just can’t stop causing trouble, can you?” Leo’s voice raised.

“Leo,” Harper said with rebuke in her voice.

I blinked back tears as I sat in my car and turned on the engine. I had to get away from here. I couldn’t deal with my father’s disdain, and now my brother felt the same way.

There was a roaring in my ears, and my fingers trembled as I closed the door, blocking out Leo, Harper, and Silas. They all thought I was the problem, and maybe I was. I didn’t act how they wanted me to or talk how they wanted me to. I wasn’t enough for them.

I pulled away. My vision blurred with tears. I tried to calm down enough to drive home. I couldn’t believe I’d come tonight. I knew better than to place myself in the line of fire. And now Leo knew about me and Silas and thought I’d done it on purpose to cause trouble between him and his friend and my family.

Is that what everyone thought about me? That I caused trouble wherever I went? I said things no one wanted to hear. When I was separate from them, I could rationalize it and block it out. I could protect myself. But right now, it felt too raw, too close to the truth for me to keep it at bay.

I would never fit in with my family. I wouldn’t say the right thing or be quiet when they wanted me to, and apparently, I wouldn’t date the right guy either. Everything I did was calculated to cause other people in my life pain.

Was that why I had so few friends, and I kept my employees at a professional distance? Was I afraid of them rejecting me too?

I didn’t go home because I didn’t want Silas showing up, even though I had a feeling he wanted nothing to do with me. We had that argument earlier, and why would he want to date someone who couldn’t have a simple dinner with their family without causing an argument?

I’d always been too much for people. Why was this any different? Silas was probably happy he’d dodged a relationship with me. It would never work. Not when he was closer to my family than I was.

Instead, I drove to my office—my sanctuary—and sat at my desk in front of my computer and let the tears roll down my cheeks. I hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lights. My chest felt like there was something on top of it, pressing down, crushing me. I could only manage short breaths.

I looked at the screen for a long time, not seeing anything. Finally, I blinked away the tears, got up to wash my face, and ate one of the meals I kept in the fridge for when I worked late. Afterward, I felt a little better.

I was used to being alone. Things would go back to normal. I’d be able to work without any distractions. No mind-blowing sex or relaxing Sundays with Silas. I could focus on my business, the only thing that mattered. The one thing I could help flourish and grow. The one thing I didn’t destroy with my actions and words.

It would have to be enough because my family and Silas wanted nothing to do with me. I saw the email message from Harper, asking about my input on the content of the course, and I settled down to work.

I could write the book as I created the content for the course. The book would have smaller tips and less explanation than the course. If readers wanted more, they could buy the course when they finished reading the book. They were a perfect complement to each other.

It was the perfect project to focus on. Everything fell away but the knot in my stomach as I wrote what I wished someone had told me when I was starting out. I even outlined a quick chapter on small business and tax advice and when to form an LLC or an S-corporation.

The main message was to trust yourself and your intuition and then price your services equivalent to what you’re worth. I went with my gut on a lot of business decisions, and I didn’t believe in failure. When I tried something new, it either worked or it didn’t. Then I tried something else. There was no failure. No disappointment. I recommended that they keep track of their numbers, what was working and what wasn’t, and pivot accordingly.

Now that I knew what my book and course were about, the words flew easily. I stayed up all night getting everything down. By morning, I still had gaps to fill and other chapters to add, but I’d gotten a decent amount done. I felt good.

Then I rested my head on the cool surface of my desk to rest my eyes.

“What are you doing? Did you sleep here all night?”

I lifted my head, blinking away the sleep. My neck was tight, and my back ached. “Harper, what are you doing here?”

“It’s Monday. A workday.” Then she continued without letting me respond. “But I’ve been worried about you. We were looking for you all night.”

I stretched my neck and then my arms over my head. “I parked in the garage.”

“The lights weren’t on.”

I shrugged. “I wanted to be left alone.”

“And I guess you weren’t checking your phone.”

“I don’t even know where it is. It might be in the car.” I wasn’t awake yet, and Harper was firing questions and observations at me at a pace I couldn’t keep up with.

“I can’t believe you just left like that and didn’t answer your phone. We were worried about you. Silas was worried about you.”

I snorted, the night coming back to me. “I cause trouble wherever I go. Does that ring a bell? I figured no one wanted to see me. So I came here.” Where there was no judgment, and every decision I made seemed to have some magic powers. Why had I ever ventured out of this sacred space and tried to have a relationship with Silas? It was a ridiculous waste of time.

Except thinking that about Silas hurt, so I dismissed him from my mind.

Harper shook her head. “Leo overreacted last night. He was shocked when he found out about you and Silas.”

I shrugged as if I didn’t have a care in the world. “It’s none of his business, and it’s over now anyway.”

“You broke up with Silas?” Harper lowered her voice and moved closer.

“We were never really together. We had one conversation about being exclusive, but that was right before we had a fight. I don’t think it applies anymore.”

“Of course, you’d get into a fight after a guy wants to put a definition to what you were doing.”

I frowned as I got up to brew some coffee in our work kitchen. “What are you talking about?”

“As soon as Silas dared to define what you were doing, you bolted.”

“He walked out.” After I told him to, but she didn’t need to know that pesky detail. She seemed like she was on a roll, and I wasn’t going to be able to stop her.

I scooped the fresh beans into the grinder, added water, and pushed the button to brew. I needed coffee five minutes ago.

Harper was either wired from last night or had been drinking coffee all night.

“You heard my father and Leo. I’m not wanted there.”

“Your father is as stubborn as you are.”

I blinked at that comment.

“Leo made a mistake he is currently paying for, but what about Silas?”

“What about him?”

“Why are you avoiding him?” Her tone was full of exasperation.

“He feels the same way. He’s friends with my brothers and doesn’t want to do anything to ruin that relationship.” I said the words, even as it shredded my heart as I did.

“You really think he believes that your business advice isn’t spot-on?”

A tingle ran down my spine as I remembered how we’d always discussed business. It was always as equals. He never put me down or belittled my opinions. Instead, he valued them. He believed in me. “It doesn’t matter what I think. He’s friends with my—”

“Brothers. Got it. And you think that your love isn’t enough to overcome some stress?”

“Love? Who said anything about love?”

“You are literally impossible. You can’t see what’s right in front of your face. I’d say you were like Leo, but you’re worse. At least he acted as soon as he realized he liked me. He didn’t pretend it didn’t mean anything.”

I frowned, wondering if she was right. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“That’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“I came here to work. Not rehash one of the worst nights of my life,” I said as the machine whirred and sputtered. It was the longest brewing machine ever. It couldn’t finish fast enough for the rate this conversation was flying off the rails.

Harper’s expression softened. “How do you feel?”

There was a headache threatening at the base of my head. “Like I was run over by a truck. But I got a lot of work done on the course and on my book.”

“That’s what you want to talk about?” she asked as the machine finally beeped its completion.

I didn’t waste any time grabbing my Lady Boss mug and pouring the coffee. I grabbed the creamer from the fridge and poured a generous amount to cool the coffee enough to drink. “It’s a workday.”

She threw a hand in my direction. “You haven’t slept or showered.”

“I’ll take a shower. I always keep clothes here in case I work through the night.”

Harper sighed. “Is this a common occurrence for you?”

“More so before I was seeing Silas.” I hadn’t even realized it, but I’d kept more reasonable hours when we were together so I could get home and sext him from the bathtub or send him other naughty images from the privacy of my home. And I hadn’t worked the last two Sundays. “He was a distraction. Now that he’s gone, we can focus on work.”

I picked up my mug and tried to move past Harper, but she blocked the exit. “Do you hear yourself?”

“What?” I asked.

“You’re ignoring what happened.”

“I have to, Harper. If not, I’ll start crying and never stop.” I allowed myself to feel the loss of Silas. It filled every crevice in my chest with a throbbing pain before I shook it off.

Harper’s shoulders lowered as she moved out of my way.

“I’ll take a quick shower before our meeting.”

I sucked down my coffee while the water in the shower heated up. I scrubbed myself, not remembering any of the times I shared a shower with Silas. I was proud of myself by the time I dried off and got dressed in a power outfit—a tailored white blouse, pencil skirt, and black stilettos. Feeling better than I had when Harper walked in, I stepped out of the bathroom and called Harper in for our morning meeting.

Harper didn’t bring up Silas or Leo the rest of the morning, and I was pleased with the progress I’d made with the content for the course and the book. I didn’t want to lose any momentum, so I immediately got back to writing as soon as Harper left. I drank coffee and ate when Harper brought in some food, but I still hadn’t looked for my phone. I had no desire to.

I didn’t want to know if Silas tried to reach out to me or if he was done with me. Every time thoughts of him crept in, it hurt too much to continue. I had to focus on the book and write.

If only my life came together as easily as this book was. But then, work had always been easier for me. Relationships were complicated and messy and made me lose focus on what was important.

I’d always believed that I didn’t have anything if my business wasn’t successful. I tried to prove to my family that I’d made it. But I didn’t think that was the case anymore. My sense of success came from inside, not from my family anymore. And maybe from Silas. It felt good when he supported my ideas and encouraged me.

He was a successful business owner, and he wasn’t clouded in his opinions like my father was. It was like Papà wanted me to be his little girl forever. I wasn’t allowed to grow up and have opinions different from him.

By dinner time, I’d written so much that my fingers and wrists ached. But I was satisfied with the progress I’d made, even if it felt empty.