Chapter 12

Twelve

Nick

A fter Abby’s assessment of my character, I felt unsettled. Was she right, or was she just being nice? A part of me assumed I had to have a character defect if Austin was my brother.

Determined to push away my thoughts, I moved us to Frogger next. It was a classic but one of my favorites. I loved any place that stocked vintage arcade games. I’d already determined we’d be frequent customers of Giovanni’s.

Abby didn’t know Frogger as well, so I had to teach her, which was almost as fun as playing Pac-Man with her. I enjoyed touching her, whispering instructions in her ear. I wished I could tell her exactly what I wanted to do to her, starting with undressing her. Slowly take off her clothes, touch her soft skin until her nipples pebbled and she arched off the bed for me. I stifled a groan, adjusting myself in my jeans while Abby focused on the game.

She had a competitive streak in her, one Hunter had clearly inherited.

I asked her to play arcade games because I loved them and I wanted her to have some fun. She was tense when we talked about Austin and Brody, but I wanted her to forget about why she should be worried about getting close to me. I wanted her to forget everything. Her responsibilities, her business. I wanted her to be happy, even if it was only for an hour.

I hadn’t anticipated how close we stood playing the games. The way I’d feel with her perched between my legs. I wished we were on a date, Brody and Hunter weren’t here, and Brooke and Ben weren’t watching our every move. I would have brushed her hair off her neck and kissed her there first. Then I’d move to her jaw, gripping it in my hand as I turned her face so I could taste her lips.

It wasn’t the right place for everything I was feeling. Someone would notice we were too familiar with each other and start asking questions. I knew she didn’t want that, so I made a concerted effort to give her some space. I kept my distance from her, not touching her, even when I wanted to.

She gave me a few confused looks, but I pretended not to notice. I just had to get through the rest of the evening. Then I could go back to pretending we didn’t have a history and I didn’t want to get her back in my bed.

“We should head out. It’s a school night,” Ben said as he approached, his gaze taking in everything.

I was doubly glad I’d kept my distance. Glancing at my phone, I said, “You’re right. It’s late.”

I still had to fight with Brody about him taking a shower before I’d manage to get him to go to bed. Then I could have a few minutes to myself to process the day.

Abby’s face pinched. “I forgot Hunter mentioned he had homework as we were walking out the door for practice.”

I could read the thoughts running through her head on her face. She felt like she’d failed as a mother.

She went over to Hunter, speaking earnestly to him. I could only imagine what she was saying. She looked pissed and guilty at the same time.

There was a lot to keep track of with kids, starting with the paperwork the school sent home.

“You’re not your brother.”

My gaze snapped to Ben, startled by his statement. “Of course not.”

Sometimes I thought we might be similar. Mainly because some people assumed I’d act the same way he did. But I didn’t like hearing my greatest fears and concerns voiced out loud.

“But you’re not good enough for Abby.”

“I’m sorry. What now?” I bristled at his words because they poked at my greatest insecurities.

“She’s been through a lot. Her ex is a piece of work. Seth walked away when she needed him the most and never stepped up.”

“And you’re saying I’m the same?” I couldn’t stop the anger that permeated my words.

“I’m just looking out for her. You know, she can’t handle the dip in business if someone were to put together who your brother is and figure out she’s associating with you.”

“Ben,” Brooke admonished, her mouth dropping open as she sidled next to him.

“I’m just looking out for Abby.”

“I can look out for myself.” Abby must have approached when my attention was on Ben.

I hoped she hadn’t heard all of it. I kept my eyes trained on Ben. We seemed to be in a stare-off.

Finally, I heard her sigh, and then she said, “We’re going to head out.”

Ben reluctantly pulled his gaze from mine to hug Abby and talk to Hunter. When they said their good-byes, Abby focused on me, saying, “I’ll see you at practice.”

After the evening we’d shared, it was like she’d dumped the cooler of Gatorade from practice over my head. It was the reminder I needed. I was her son’s coach. She was one of my players’ mothers. Nothing could happen between us. Ben reminded me of the reasons why we couldn’t work. Why it would be cruel for me to get involved with her.

“I’m sorry about Ben. He’s just worried about Abby,” Brooke said to me kindly.

My jaw was tight as I gathered my things and moved Brody toward the door to leave. “As he should be.”

I wasn’t a good guy. How could I be with Austin as my brother? She deserved someone who could give her everything she wanted, and there was no way I could deliver. I’d just bring her down.

Brooke looked at me helplessly as if she wanted to fix the last few minutes but didn’t know how.

“It was nice to meet you,” I said woodenly as we left.

“Is something wrong?” Brody asked.

“Of course not.”

Brody was supersensitive to people, which I thought had everything to do with Austin’s inattention. He was worried I’d leave too.

“Do they know about my dad?” Brody asked, his face had lost the excitement it held all evening.

“Yeah. But they’re not worried about you,” I assured him, hoping he’d drop it.

He tipped his head to the side. “They don’t want you to be my coach?”

“We just can’t get too close to anyone.” Our family’s reputation tainted other people. It was a good reminder to keep to my lone wolf routine. I worked alone and didn’t have many friends for a reason. They always found out and kept their distance. I was sick of the pain associated with it, so I pulled back before they could. I hardened my heart against them. It was easier that way.

“I like Hunter.”

Hunter and Brody were very similar. Obsessed with baseball. They just wanted to play. “You can still play with him.”

“Yeah?” he asked hopefully as we got into my truck.

I just needed to stay away from his mother.

“I just want to fit in and be normal.”

“Should we have moved out of town?” I asked myself that several times a day.

We could still do it. Except he was already established in school, and we had the travel team to think of.

“I want to be on the team. I like it.”

“I don’t want to lose it either.” Coaching had satisfied some need deep in my soul. I enjoyed teaching kids about baseball. Especially ones who were so eager to learn. I could only imagine that watching them improve over the course of a season would be just as fulfilling.

“Sometimes I hate my dad.”

He’d said that often over the years. Usually the few times he’d called me because he was hungry or needed gear for baseball. He didn’t like needing someone who couldn’t be there for him, and I hated how my brother’s inaction hurt him.

“You don’t hate him.” I always said, even if I wasn’t sure I meant it. “You hate what he’s done.”

He was quiet for a few seconds and then he said, “At least I can live with you now.”

An ache formed in my chest. I wanted him to live with me permanently, but I wasn’t sure that was possible. I wasn’t his father. “I love it too.”

“Sometimes I wish I could just forget about Dad. Pretend he doesn’t exist.”

“I don’t think you mean that.” I’d felt the same way throughout my life. “Let’s just focus on school and baseball. Everything will work out how it’s supposed to.”

He was quiet the rest of the way home. Surprisingly, he didn’t fight me on the shower before bed, and he went to bed easily excited to read a new book I’d gotten for him at the library about a professional baseball player.

I hoped baseball gave him something to strive for, like it always had for me. Even if major league dreams were unrealistic, they were still good to have. They motivated you when you had no hope, and both of us needed that in our lives.

Once he was in bed reading, I headed downstairs and settled on the couch. As much as I loved living with Brody, it was my favorite time of the day. I could just be by myself. It was quiet.

My phone buzzed. I reluctantly looked at it, hoping it wasn’t a collect call from the jail. It was a message from Abby.

Abby: Are you okay?

How should I answer her? Tell her the truth? Remembering Ben’s warning, that was the best course of action.

Nick: I’m no good for you.

The phone rang. I answered and walked outside so I wouldn’t keep Brody up if he wanted to go to sleep. “Yeah?”

“You don’t mean that.” Her voice was soft and eased the ache in my chest.

“It’s the truth and you know it.” I purposely kept my voice gruff.

“Did Ben say something else to you?” The cool tone of her voice told me she knew how he was.

“He’s protective of you. It’s a good thing.” She didn’t have anyone looking out for her except her sister.

“He goes overboard. He’s just my sister’s fiancé.”

“Soon to be your brother-in-law, and I like that someone’s looking out for you.”

“Tonight reminded me that I’ve been alone for a while, and I miss that connection with someone.”

I missed it too. I liked it with her.

“Can we still be friends?” Abby asked. Her tone was vulnerable.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I didn’t want to deny her anything. Even with my best intentions, if she wanted me in her bed, I wouldn’t be able to resist her.

“Hunter likes Brody.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“It would be nice if they could be friends. There are only so many kids who can play sports for hours and not get bored.”

“Tell me about it.” Brody got so annoyed with kids who would rather play made-up games in the backyard.

“Then it’s settled. The kids can hang out.”

“If you think our reputation is hurting your business, we can back off.”

She sucked in a breath, which told me she’d thought about it. I shouldn’t have been surprised or disappointed, but I was.

“I’ll understand,” I said.

“I wouldn’t do that to Brody and Hunter.”

“We’ll see how it goes.” I hated that it was our inevitable ending. No one stuck around. We might need to relocate if it became too much. I didn’t like it, but it might be the best solution.

“I had fun tonight,” she finally said.

“I did too.”

“I kind of want to see this arcade you have. The one with thousands of games. Hunter was talking nonstop about it. Brody must have mentioned it.”

“You can come see it.” I wished it was just her I was inviting over. But we’d just vowed for our kids to be friends, not us.

“Hunter will be so excited.”

“He get his homework done?”

“We didn’t have time for a shower, but we got it done.” Suddenly, she sounded exhausted.

I’d only been doing the single-parenting thing for a few weeks, but she’d been at it for years.

“If you ever need me to talk to him about responsibilities and how homework comes first, I can.”

“I may need you to do that. Thank you for offering, Nick.”

I loved how my name sounded on her lips. Instead of saying something stupid like “I want to see you naked on my bed,” I cleared my throat and said, “I should get to bed.”

I had nothing to get up for other than to make sure Brody ate breakfast and got to the bus on time. I could work whenever I wanted and often put in more hours than required. I was a valued employee, so my job was secure. Insurance companies had difficulty retaining actuaries since we could make more money in the private field, but I was happy with where I was.

“Me too. Parenting is exhausting.”

“Yet fulfilling.” Brody had filled my life in a way that nothing else ever had.

“You’re an amazing guy for taking in your nephew, and don’t tell me it’s what anyone would do because you’re wrong. It takes a special person to do what you’re doing.”

Her words settled in my chest and burrowed in my heart. “I like the way you see me.”

“Good night, Nick.” I could practically hear the smile in her voice.

“Night.” My voice was gruff as I clicked off. Being so close to her and knowing I couldn’t have her was difficult. She kept saying that I was a good guy, but I didn’t compare to her. She’d rebounded after her ex had left, and she was doing a phenomenal job raising her son by herself while running her own business. She was the one who was impressive. Not me.

Still dusty from practice, I headed upstairs to take a shower. I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up while removing my clothes before finally stepping inside. Brody had taken over my life and made me see that there was more to it than work. At the same time, it came with worries and complications I’d never experienced before. I wanted to be a good father figure. I wanted to be there for him. But the hardest part was protecting him from anyone who wanted to hurt him.

I didn’t want him to think he was somehow tainted because of his father’s actions. It didn’t escape my notice that I felt that way. But I didn’t want the same for my nephew. Maybe it was time to let go of that wound. To move past it. If I didn’t, he never would.

As I soaped up my body, I wondered if I was ready to step out of my brother’s shadow. Was I ready to be the man Brody deserved in his life? I didn’t have a choice. I needed to grow as a person if I wanted to be the guy he looked up to.

I worked shampoo into my hair, then tipped my head back to let the water sluice through my hair and chase the bubbles away. If only healing the wounds of my past were as easy.

I turned off the water and dried off. I wanted to be a man who Brody could look up to and respect, and another part of me wanted to be the right man for Abby. I didn’t want to feel less than.

I’d never done anything in my life close to what Austin had done. Seeing him get in trouble, the difficulties he’d dealt with, cured me of any troublemaking in my youth. And now, he was dealing with very real adult consequences. I needed to shield Brody from him. I needed to step into my own light. Hiding in Austin’s shadow didn’t serve me, and it wouldn’t help Brody.

I still wouldn’t let myself pursue Abby. She seemed willing on the phone tonight to explore something, but no matter how I felt about myself, there could still be blowback from the community. And I wouldn’t allow it to taint her or her business.

She had enough strife in her life. It was time for hers to be easy. I’d help her out, but I couldn’t be the man in her life.