5. Chapter Five

Ewan rose soon after the sun the following morning. He brushed a kiss on my forehead as he climbed out of bed. “Are you hungry?” he asked, pulling on a pair of jeans from the floor. “I have to meet with my pack council before the general meeting later. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He pulled a shirt over his head and rolled back one sleeve to offer me his wrist.

My throat itched at the sight of his veins. I sat up and took his arm, sinking my fangs into his skin and relishing in the taste of his warm, sweet blood pouring down my throat. He tangled his fingers in my hair while I drank, and I felt both his love and his distraction. Or maybe he was just mirroring my feelings because the dream was still too vivid in my mind.

I stayed in bed after he left and stared at the ceiling, which proved an unfortunately perfect canvass for the mental images playing in my head. I kept reliving the choosing ceremony, hearing Zeno say my name and feeling Stavros’ rage. Hatred for Illiana burned in my chest. She had told King Orrin about my trysts with Stavros. Did I blame her? Yes, yes, I did.

Those types of accusations would have ruined me had they ever left the monarch’s private chambers, a fact Iliana knew. Had that been a factor in my decision to reject Stavros? It must have been. The shame of losing the games was nothing compared to the shame of an unmatched dalliance with the Prince of the Valley.

Deep down, I knew there was more to it. I loved Ewan so wholly and without reservation, to the point that I couldn’t imagine life without him. Ever since rejecting the bond with Enzo, my passion and desire for Ewan had consumed me in this life. Giving him up was unfathomable. It would break me, I was certain of it.

And yet, losing Stavros hadn’t broken Zosia.

Had I grown weaker over my lifetimes, or had she known something that I did not? Something that made sacrificing her heart okay. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, but it was the only explanation that made sense. Well, the only one that I liked.

I didn’t want to relive the conversation where Zosia told Stavros it was over, but I needed to know the truth. Otherwise, that secret would continue to cast a shadow over my current bond with Ewan. I loved him too much to let that happen. He deserved better.

We deserved better.

A knock at the door drew me out of my depressing thoughts. I stilled and listened for a heartbeat. The soft thump met my ears. Magic swelled inside me for a brief second, and I knew.

“It’s me,” Winter called out, her voice muffled by the door. “Can I come in?”

I was torn between relief and terror, both wanting to see her and scared about what might happen if I did.

“Zara?” She sang my name like a question. “I know you’re in there. Please let me in.”

My body responded to her coaxing tone before my mind made a conscious decision to open the door. One second I was on the bed, the next I made the mistake of touching the doorknob. Walter’s spell put a fresh emoji burn on my palm.

“Fucking fae,” I hissed, teeth clenching as a jolt of electricity spread throughout my entire body.

Our bond made it so that I felt her through the door. My pull to her was almost as strong as my draw to Ewan and much more intense than when I was mortal. The scent of cinnamon and snow drifted beneath the tiny crack at the bottom of the door. I could practically taste the sharp bite of her blood on my tongue.

My fangs descended as an increasingly familiar ache started in my gut. Vampire brain took over, making it so accessing her blood was my sole focus.

Let her in. She’ll make a good snack. Just a taste. She has plenty to spare.

I shook my head, fighting urges I couldn’t control. Winter was friend not food. Drinking her blood was bad. Even a taste was too dangerous.

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” I said, voice raspy.

She sighed so loudly I could feel her eyes roll. “You won’t hurt me. You can’t.” The knob turned, and the door swung open, forcing me to jump back to prevent it hitting me in the face. “The oath you swore to me won’t allow it.”

My fangs retreated forcibly, as if her reminder was enough to trigger the response. The thirst, however, didn’t subside. Despite Ewan’s blood flowing in my veins, I was still hungry for Winter’s blood. It sang to me, punctuated by the beat of her heart, torturing me with each thump.

I tensed as she crossed the threshold and stepped foot inside the bedroom. I backpedaled until my spine hit the wall, needing to put space between us.

“Does Ewan know you’re here?” I asked.

Her gaze bounced around the room. “Not exactly.” Winter made a face. “I mean, if I’m being totally honest, he ordered me to stay away.” She shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it on the unmade bed as her gaze scanned the room, eventually landing on the lone chair in the corner.

“The general pack meeting just started, so he’ll be busy for a while,” she said, pulling the chair over beside the bed. “He is so bossy now that he’s in charge.” She patted the bed, inviting me to come closer, but I chose to stay put for the time being.

“Did he use his alpha voice?” I asked, secretly glad that I wasn’t the only one who had noticed his newfound love of giving orders.

She laughed. “Is that the one where he sounds all deep and gravely and he talks like this?” Her voice dropped several octaves at the end in a hilariously bad impression of Ewan.

“Close enough,” I said.

Winter used her normal voice when she answered. “It was so weird. I think he believed it would work.”

The knots in my muscles eased as I imagined Ewan casting his alpha influence on Winter. He might’ve been the King of Wolves, but she was Nicasia–the only female eternal. Her power, even as a mortal, had no equal. The woman opened a gateway to another realm for Gaia’s sake. Granted, most alphas probably underestimated younger fae, but Ewan wasn’t most alphas and knew better than to think Winter would kowtow to him.

Her expression turned serious, green eyes soft. “How are you? Ewan sort of hinted you were having a rough time adjusting.”

“The dreams are hard,” I admitted. There was no point in sugarcoating it, she’d see through my lies. “That’s normal, though, right? I don’t remember everything yet. I guess that takes time. But I’m, I don’t know, aware of a lot from my past lives.”

Winter narrowed her eyes and tilted her head to the side, clearly confused. “Like, you can sense things that happened?”

I shrugged, not quite sure how to explain it. “Sort of. It’s like how you remember events from your childhood occurred but not the details. Does that make sense?”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah, I get it, I think. Mom took me to an amusement park when I was, I don’t know—five, six? We have pictures, and I look happy, but I don’t actually remember riding any rides or eating cotton candy.”

“Exactly.” I relaxed enough to step away from the wall, the hunger still front and center but not nearly as intense. “I know I lived in London while married to Hayden. Don’t ask me when or what our house looked like. I don’t even remember our names. Still, I know it happened. We had an entire life together there.” I shook my head, frustrated by my inability to recall specifics. “I don’t even know who I am anymore, you know? Am I Zosia or Zara? Or one of my other identities?”

Creases formed around Winter’s mouth as she pursed her lips. “You’re both. Well, all of them, really.”

I took an unnecessary breath. “Yeah, so that’s seven personalities trying to mesh in my mind. It’s… a lot.”

This was the most that I had spoken about the subject since waking, which was oddly cathartic. Ewan didn’t ask about the dreams or my previous lives. I had appreciated it until opening up even a little to Winter. Now, it felt like a disservice to avoid discussing the transition from mortal to eternal. Giving voice to my inner turmoil made it less scary.

She leaned forward tentatively, careful not to make any sudden moves, and offered me her hand. “You won’t hurt me.”

Deep down, I knew she was right. My ingrained need to protect her trumped my desire for her blood. I moved closer and wrapped my cold fingers around her warm ones. Her magic was like balm to my dry, itchy throat. The hunger gnawing at my insides dimmed.

“Better?” she asked, giving my hand a squeeze before pulling back. That was when she noticed the burn on my palm and frowned. “What happened?”

I rolled my eyes. “Your father happened.”

“Call him Walter.” She shuddered.

“Okay, Walter happened.” I held up my hand so she could see the emoji in its full glory.

Her lips twitched, and I felt her amusement through our bond.

I waved my hand. “Go ahead and laugh. I know you want to.”

She did. “It’s a little funny, Zara.”

I made a noise deep in my throat. “You really are his daughter, and I don’t mean that in a nice way.”

Winter laughed harder. “Vampirism sure hasn’t changed you, and I do mean that in a nice way.”

I felt more like myself than I had since waking, which was all thanks to her. Winter’s calming magic had that effect. “Well, thank you, I guess.” With much less sarcasm, I added, “And thank you for the spell. It’s helping a lot. Impressive magic by the way. Someone’s been studying her spell book.”

She leaned back and smiled. “Yeah, well, I’m supposed to be this great warrior. Those two decades in the human world, never using my magic, put me behind. I’m playing catch-up.” Her head fell to one side, a small, sad smile on her lips. “Our bond works both ways. Right now, it’s my turn to help you.”

I swallowed hard and whispered, “Thank you.”

Winter straightened and rubbed her palms along her jean-clad thighs. “We do need to discuss something. Ewan won’t be happy about me telling you. He’s worried about you taking in too much while you’re still adjusting.” She drew in a breath. “But you should know, when I opened the portal on the night of the Two Comets, tears formed between worlds. Mat used one as a doorway to the Cursed Realm. He’s going after Cassius.”

Somehow, I was simultaneously shocked and not at all surprised. Opening the portal had been dangerous and, in the end, I wasn’t sure we had made the right decision. What had we really gained? The cure for vampirism? We only had enough for one person, so it was hardly like we could reverse the plague of undead the fae had unleashed so many centuries ago. And now Mat had access to the only person standing between him and final death.

I should have killed Cassius when I had the chance, I thought, regretting the decisions I had made in the Cursed Realm.

“Is anyone trying to stop him?” I asked.

“The Zodiac Fae Council is monitoring all known doorways. The problem is the unknown ones.” She grimaced as if really not liking what she was about to say. “They’re no match for him. If they’re lucky, they won’t catch him.” The grudging compliment made her smack her lips like the words left a bad taste in her mouth.

I understood how she felt. Mat was extremely powerful, not to mention old. He had walked this earth for centuries, and he knew spells that were forgotten or forbidden over time. Unlike the rest of us, he had never died and been reborn. He knew our entire story. His extensive knowledge gave him an advantage. Not to mention, he could only die by his own hand.

“Is he bringing Cassius here?” I asked.

Winter blinked, surprised. “I just assumed so. Why? Do you not think he’ll want to keep Cassius close?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. But I think there’s a possibility Mat will take him to one of the other realms and hide him there.” It was what I would have done. Sure, keeping Cassius nearby made sense, but hiding his descendent in another realm made it harder for anyone to find and kill the boy.

An itch started at the base of my brain, like one of my past selves was trying to tell me something. Winter and I had taken Cassius to the Cursed Realm for a reason. That was a memory I desperately wanted to see.

“You know him best. What do you think he’ll do?”

To my knowledge, Winter had only endured a few dreams. Still, once upon a time, Nicasia must have known him well.

She sucked in air and filled her cheeks like a chipmunk. “I don’t know. Either way, it feels like a loss. We can’t explore eleven other realms. And if he brings him here, Mat will make it damn near impossible for us to reach Cassius.”

Silence stretched between us briefly while possibilities spun in my head and regret churned in my belly. I could’ve ended this. My guilt would have been worth it.

I jumped when Winter’s warm fingers touched my arm, proving myself the least aware vampire ever.

“We made the right choice, Zara.” She brought her other hand to her chest and patted her heart. “I feel that in my soul. However many lifetimes ago we took Cassius to the Cursed Realm instead of killing him. I trust past us. Back then, we clearly knew more than we do now.”

I nodded, agreeing with her point. “I need that memory.”

Winter turned shy, blushing when she said, “What if you drank my blood?”

I leapt away from her and shook my head so hard that I got a little woozy. “Don’t even suggest it. It’s too risky. You’re too important. Ewan won’t like it.” My stream of consciousness spewed from my mouth.

Winter sighed. “With all do respect, fuck Ewan. We need that memory. One of us is drinking the other’s blood. Since you’re the vampire, it just makes sense for you to be the drinker.”

I pursed my lips, my senses suddenly on high alert. “I won’t bite you.”

“Okay. What if I put it in a cup? You can drink it alone at your leisure. No risk involved.”

Tempting, but also not. I wanted her blood, especially now that she’d offered it up, and the memory was clutch. But it also meant another version of me would join the collective and I already had way too many voices in my head.

“I need some time. A few days, at least. I just… it’s… I….”

Winter shook her head. “You don’t need to explain yourself. I get it. Do you want me to drink your blood?”

Yes. No. Maybe?

It felt selfish to ask her to do this for me. As she so aptly pointed out, I drank blood to survive, making me the obvious choice.

“I will,” Winter said. “Let me help, Zara.”

“No, I can’t. Not with this.” I pierced her with crimson eyes. “A few days, that’s all I ask.”

She twisted her hands in her lap, uncertainty clouding her expression. “Are you sure?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re the one who said I should be the drinker.”

“Yeah, well, I dated I serial killer, so my judgment isn’t exactly great.”

I tamped down my surprise. She never spoke about that part of her life, and I wasn’t about to pry.

“Take your few days, think about it, and then we can decide which one of us takes the memory bullet.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said because it was easier to agree than continue a debate that I wasn’t sure I would win.

A slow smile lifted the corners of her mouth as a mischievous twinkle developed in her eye. “Want to hear the gossip I’ve overheard about your new pack?”

As if I could say no. A lot of what she told me sort of floated in one ear and out the other since I didn’t know any of the people involved in her stories. But in the short time she’d been in Colorado, Winter had learned about all sorts of scandalous behavior, which was a great distraction from my own problems.

When she finally got up to leave, I almost asked her to stay, but we both knew Ewan would lose it if he found her in the bedroom. He and I needed to have a discussion about that. Winter’s calming presence went with her, leaving me alone to contemplate the consequences of our actions. The guilt left a bitter taste in my mouth. I even wished that I would fall asleep because reliving torturesome, heartbreaking memories seemed preferable to dwelling on my present fuck-ups.

No such luck.

Ewan returned a few hours later, and his mood could only be described as shitty. He stormed inside the bedroom full of fury and smelling like a combination of blood and snow that I found weirdly alluring.

“What happened?” I asked, bolting upright in alarm.

His nose twitched as if he’d picked up on an unpleasant scent, a fresh wave of anger darkening his crimson eyes. “Winter was here.”

I tucked my knees to my chest and fought my rising temper. One of us needed to remain calm, and it obviously wasn’t going to be him.

“Yes, she was.”

His lips peeled back in a snarl. “She disobeyed me.”

“Winter is fae, the great-granddaughter of the Gemini leader. The reincarnation of Nicasia.” I kept my voice even, devoid of emotion. “She isn’t under your command.”

He moved so fast that I only saw a blur. Then the chair was in his hands, and he slammed it over his knee. My eyes went wide, but I didn’t react otherwise. Ewan wouldn’t hurt me, so I wasn’t afraid of his outbursts. Besides, I was the daughter of an alpha and the twin of a future alpha, I understood this type of anger.

Two splintered pieces were clutched in Ewan’s white-knuckled grip. He threw them at the floor like darts, both shards wedging deep into the wooden floorboards. His fury coursed through the bond to my veins, making it harder to keep my temper under control. I had to remind myself that this wasn’t about Winter visiting me, clearly the pack meeting hadn’t gone smashingly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I remained still, not loving his chaotic state yet not wanting to make it worse either. “I am your mate. Isn’t that my job, to listen and I don’t know… listen.”

His shoulders sagged, and he seemed to come back to himself. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, my vampire ears having no trouble hearing his words. “The pack meeting didn’t go well today.”

I scooted over and patted the bed beside me, relieved that he no longer wanted to destroy anything he got his hands around. Ewan sat on the edge of the bed and kicked off his boots. He turned to face me. Something about the sight of my tangled hair and fresh pair of Arcane University sweats–the guy had a never-ending supply–turned the rage in his eyes to desire. A corresponding heat pooled between my legs.

My knees were still pressed against my chest. His gaze, dark and tantalizing, held mine as he wrapped his fingers around my ankles and slowly extended my legs. I leaned back against the pillows, ready, willing, and very eager for him to touch me. It had been too long since he was inside me, and I craved that intimate contact.

Ewan crawled up the length of the bed and laid his head in my lap, pressing a kiss against the sweatpants, and then spoke to my vagina. “Soon,” he swore. “I miss you.”

I threaded my fingers in his dark hair and yanked, forcing his face upward. “Seriously?”

He cracked a smile. “What? I do miss her. Don’t forget, I feel you just as you feel me, and I know when you’re aroused.”

“Is this your way of saying you don’t want to talk about what happened?” I lifted an eyebrow in question.

He worked one arm beneath my thigh and wrapped the other one around the top of my leg. I relaxed my grip and played with his hair. Silence rained down, though it wasn’t uncomfortable or awkward.

My mind glitched for a second, an image of this same scene in a different setting overlapping with reality. Except, in the memory, he wasn’t just talking to my hooha. My nerve endings lit up, and then it was my libido that needed to be checked.

“Not all the wolves are happy about an undead alpha,” Ewan said at last, his words like ice water for my hormones. “I’ve had to make examples of dissidents.”

A chill zipped up my spine. It was no wonder he returned from the meeting in such a shit mood. Ewan had a kind heart, even if it no longer and beat, and sending away members of his pack was hard on him. He didn’t enjoy that part of the job the way other alphas did.

“I banished four today.” He turned his head and pressed his face against my leg. “Two have openly challenged me. This is not how I wanted to start my reign.”

My hands moved to his shoulders, sliding beneath his t-shirt. I kneaded his stiff muscles, unsure of the right words to soothe his troubled mind. This was my role as his mate, and I hated that I was failing him so epically already. The skin-to-skin contact relaxed him some, enough to take the edge off.

“They want to meet you–the pack.” His fingers curled around the hem of my sweatshirt, pushing it up to expose my stomach. He adjusted so his cheek rested against my belly button. “They want to know their alpha’s mate, to see us as a united front.”

His lips brushed my skin as he spoke, spreading warmth all the way to my fingers and toes. Gaia, I wanted him. So, so badly. My nails became claws, and I raked them down his back. The scratches healed as I made them. Ewan pushed the sweatshirt higher and nipped at the underside of my breast with his fangs.

Crimson eyes peered up at me. “Did Essie brew more tea? Your bloodlust isn’t as strong as it was before.”

“No. Winter used a spell on me. It’s helped a lot, though I guess I’ve only seen you two. Maybe I’ll feel differently when you let me out of this room, and I’m around mortals.”

He let my sweatshirt fall back in place and sat up. “I need you by my side when I defeat the challengers. You are my strength.”

Ewan leaned in, his teeth catching my bottom lip. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

“Do you really think a bloody brawl is the best place to test my willpower?” I teased.

“No.” His mouth moved to my neck. “I have something else in mind.” He breathed me in, burying his face in my knotted hair. “If I let you leave this room, will you behave?”

I laughed. “Not likely.”