34. Eternal

34

Eternal

Teal

It’s been three days since the hunting trip, and Declan has been giving me my space. Still, I knew it was only a matter of time before he forced me to face this.

He might have let me go that night at my parents’ cabin, allowing Kole and Violet to drive me back to Briar in the middle of the night because that's what I needed. But I’m not na?ve enough to think this is over.

Especially now that I remember why I tried to end my life.

My godfather hurt me. He abused me. But I thought he was gone.

Three years ago, I learned that wasn’t true. And now that I remember again, it’s all flooding back. I feel like I’m drowning in the memories that were wiped from my mind. I always hated the holes, but now that they’re filled, I hate them more because I’m not free from what happened like I thought I was.

I’ve spent years in therapy processing what my godfather did when he stayed with us for a month when I was nine years old. He would sneak into my room in the middle of the night and become the nightmare I still dream about. No matter how many times I painted the monsters, it didn’t free me of them. What he did will always live with me.

A few weeks after that first time, my father caught him. He promised me he would take care of it and that Weston Randolph would be locked away where he couldn’t hurt me or anyone else ever again.

I trusted my dad because I knew that’s what Sigma House was good at. He wasn’t a good man, but at least that meant he had the power to slay my monsters.

My father protected me. He kept me safe.

Or so I thought.

Three years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and walked downstairs to get a glass of water, only to discover that my father had lied about my godfather being gone.

They were sitting at the kitchen table, talking and laughing like nothing had happened. Like Weston wasn’t the reason my mind is permanently broken. Like he isn’t why I took a razor to my skin, trying to erase the memory of his hands on me.

I stared into Weston’s eyes and realized my father’s money will always come first. While he pretended he took care of Weston, they had continued their business operations, and he stayed at enough of a distance that I didn’t know about it.

Money was more important to my father than what my godfather did to me, and that realization hit me like a train, shattering my bones into a million pieces.

My godfather might have assaulted me, but it’s my father who turned me into this mess.

Someone who can barely see the canvas straight through her tears and pills. Someone who uses splashes of yellow to mask the darkness that’s eating me up.

I ran that night because I didn’t matter. Not to my family, not to myself.

But then Declan found me.

Declan . Not Alex, like I remembered.

He pulled me out of the road, and I wanted to believe I could be saved. For a split second, I let him be the comfort I’d spent my life searching for. But with every beat of my heart, my blood coursing through me reminded me I wasn’t strong enough to handle the pain.

I’m never strong enough.

I toss my paintbrush aside and kneel on the giant canvas that stretches the center of the floor in my studio. I’ve been dripping colors onto it all day like it can absorb everything I’m spilling out.

The truth.

The memories.

Three years ago, Declan saw me try to kill myself.

I slipped through his hands and jumped in front of that car. The only reason I’m still here is because the driver slammed on the brakes when they saw me running into the road, so the impact was minimal.

But still, the damage was done in every way that mattered.

I sit back on my heels and focus on the music echoing through my studio. I let it take my mind to a better place. It calms the chaos until I feel him behind me.

I smell him.

Peppermint and broken promises.

I know it’s Declan behind me without turning around because his presence is all-consuming. I want to hate him after what Jase told me at my parents’ cabin, but it means nothing now. For that to make sense, everything would need to, and nothing does.

Declan plants his palms on my arms, and I should tip my head back and scream, but I don’t. I want him to ground me in the way only he can.

The only thing more terrifying than thinking this was never real between us is thinking there’s no us at all.

“You’re the one who saved me when I tried to kill myself.” I blink a tear free, and it rolls down my cheek. “Not Alex.”

He kisses the top of my head. “Correct.”

“Why? How?”

Declan sighs, and even if I can’t see him, I feel the weight we’re both carrying around. A kaleidoscope of our pasts and our demons catching up with us.

“Alex and I were driving back from a party when we saw you in the middle of the road. I tried to talk you down, but then— ”

He cuts himself off, clearing his throat.

“I ran into the road anyway.” I close my eyes, and I can still feel the car colliding with my body.

“I tried to stop you, Teal. But you were too fast. And the second that car hit you, Alex jumped out of the passenger seat to help. But you were in and out of consciousness from the medication and the crash.”

“Is that why I only remember him?” My eyebrows pinch as I close my eyes and try to see it clearly.

Alex was the one who held my head in the backseat. Alex was the one who carried me through the hospital doors.

“Once we got to the hospital, I wanted to go in with you, but my father showed up and said it would be better handled by family friends.”

“The Lancasters.”

It makes sense. My parents have always been close with Alex and Patience’s parents.

“I wanted to help—” Declan’s voice cracks in a genuine burst of emotion that catches me completely off guard.

“I know.” I spin around to face him.

He’s squatting down, which brings him closer to my eye level than when he’s usually towering over me.

There are dark circles under his eyes, and it looks like he hasn’t slept in days. His jaw is rough with stubble, and his hair is a mess. He’s a reflection of everything I don’t want to see in myself, and I can’t stop staring.

He swallows hard, meeting my gaze. “I wanted to be the one who was there for you. ”

“But you weren’t allowed to, right? Because that would go against your father or Sigma House or both? You can’t save me just to hurt me and think they cancel each other out.”

“That’s not what this is.”

“Then what is it?” I ask. “A deal to support your father’s campaign? Guilt because you couldn’t stop me from running into the road three years ago? A fantasy you’re chasing? What is this really, Declan? Your guilt over me nearly killing myself?”

The last two words come out in a whisper as I nearly choke on my own admission.

I tried to die.

For the first time, I’m admitting that to myself, and somehow, it feels like a weight off my shoulders. I’m no longer hiding from it. I’m facing it.

I wanted to die.

But I’m still here, no matter how hard that is most days. And I want to fight to be here as long as I can. I might still be bleeding from these wounds, but through it all, I want to live.

“You know what this is.” Declan reaches for my hand. “What we are… You’re mine. And I’m yours.”

“Your father will never let us be together. My dad wasn’t the only one who was friends with—”

I can’t say Weston’s name. Not out loud. Not yet.

“I know.” Declan grabs the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him. “He’s a liar and a hypocrite. I don’t care what deals have been made; none of them mean anything to me. You’re it for me, Tealene Donovan. You always have been.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Really?” He grabs my wrists and plants my palms on his chest. “Remember when you asked me what these letters meant? Why I chose to have that word carved into my chest?”

I swallow hard, nodding.

“It was for you, Teal, whether you realize it or not. It’s because of what you said.” His grip on my wrists tightens. “You said nothing good stays; only darkness is eternal. But that’s a lie because you’ve been burrowed under my skin for as long as I can remember. And even if at the time I thought it was because I hated you, it wasn’t. You and I are something more. Something bigger. And what you do to me is greater than any good or evil. You are the only thing eternal for me, Teal.”

His words spill out so fast I can barely make sense of them. They rush straight from his heart like he’s split his vein so he can pour himself out for me.

“I thought I knew who I was and what I was loyal to, but with every letter carved into my chest for them, it was you who was echoing in my head. It was your eyes staring back when I closed mine. You make me feel things I was born to resist and deny. But I can’t deny you. I need you, Teal. As bad as you wanted to die is as bad as I needed you to live. I needed you to be mine.”

My fingers stretch out on his chest, tears stinging my eyes. “Then why push me away? Why wait all these years to say that? ”

“Because I was an idiot.” He brushes the tear rolling down my cheek. “You know that. I’m better at breaking things than fixing them. I didn’t know how to feel about us or how to admit that the things I felt for you were changing, so I buried them. I denied it. You needed to heal, and I couldn’t be something else in your life tearing you apart.”

“Declan—”

“I shouldn’t have waited so long. I know that now,” he cuts me off. “I thought I was protecting you and that it was for the best. After Alex brought you to the hospital, you seemed to get better, and that’s all that mattered. And when you finally started at Briar, I realized you didn’t remember me being there that night. You hated me like you always did, and I thought it was for the better. I was in denial. But I’m not anymore.”

“What are you saying then?”

His jaw tenses as he watches me. “I love you.”

“You can’t love me.” I try to shake my head.

His grip stops me. “Says who?”

“Because I’m no good, Declan. I’m broken. You’d have to go against your family just to be with me. Against Sigma House.”

“So? They’re the reason we’re in this position. Manipulating us for their own benefit.” He swallows hard. “It’s time they’re taught a lesson.”

“You say that like you’re going to kill someone.” I swallow hard. “Wait. Have you killed someone?”

Declan’s stare is so cold, and I regret the question the moment it’s out.

“Where do you think I’ve been the past few days?” he asks.

“Where?” It’s nearly a whisper.

Declan tucks my hair behind my ear. “What did I tell you when we started this, Teal? What did I want?”

My eyebrows pinch. “For me to remember?”

He nods, watching me with such intensity my heart is racing. “Why did I want you to remember?”

“You wanted to know who hurt me.” It’s a whisper, and Declan confirms with a nod. “What did you do?”

“Nothing yet.”

“That doesn’t sound any better, Declan.”

“I know.” He grazes the backs of my hands with his thumbs. “Do you trust me, Teal?”

“With what?”

“Everything.”

Instinct begs me to say no, but looking into his eyes, I know in my heart I’d be lying. I trust Declan with more than I should.

My body.

My being.

My heart.

I nod. “Yes.”

He stands, pulling me up with him. “I need you to remember something right now. I’d never let anyone hurt you.”

“Why are you saying that?”

Declan grips my hands, watching me as he turns his face to the side to yell over his shoulder. “Maddox, bring him in. ”

My heart races as movement comes from the hallway, and the door to my studio opens. It’s beating so hard I might crack a rib. Maddox and Asher step inside, each holding onto the arm of a man, and when they come close enough, and I catch sight of who they have, my heart nearly stops.

Weston Randolph.

My godfather.