23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

A licia had not expected Ernest to kiss her – or had it been the other way around? But as their lips parted, Ernest looked suddenly embarrassed, pulling away, his face flushed.

“Alicia…forgive me, I shouldn’t have done that,” he exclaimed, even as Alicia shook her head.

She felt no shame at their having kissed – was it not entirely natural? She knew her own feelings for him, and there was no doubting his feelings for her. They had held back for too long, but there could be no doubting the truth.

“There’s nothing to forgive. A kiss requires two,” Alicia said, reaching out to take his hand in hers again.

She wanted him to know it was all right, that there was no scandal in what they had done. Had it not been for Caroline, things between them could have been different. They would have been different. It was painful to admit, but Alicia was resigned to Ernest’s betrothal to Caroline, even as she knew it would cause her much pain to see them married.

“Yes, but… Caroline and I…” Ernest stammered.

“Oh, I know what’s happening. I’ve known all along what she’s like. I suspected her plans from the start. She delights in controlling people, and she’s managed it, hasn’t she?” Alicia said, raising her eyebrows, as Ernest nodded.

He was a broken man. Alicia could see it in his face. He was torn between doing the right thing for others and the right thing for himself. It was an impossible decision, even as she wanted him to know there could be another way…

“No one would think less of you if you refused her,” Alicia said, but Ernest shook his head.

“There’s more to it than that. My past…it’s not what you think it to be,” Ernest said, shaking his head, and rising to his feet.

Alicia looked at him curiously. She knew about his past – Isobel had told her as much. She knew about Eleanor and the sad rejection Ernest had faced.

“But you were hurt, Ernest. And terribly so. Isobel told me about it,” Alicia said, but Ernest shook his head.

“She told you a lie – a well-meaning one, but a lie, nonetheless. It’s true, Eleanor left me, but I gave her every reason to. I was a gambler, Alicia – I lost a fortune at dice and cards, including money from her dowry. It was shameful,” he said, shaking his head, and turning away from her.

Alicia stared at him in astonishment. It seemed incredible to think he had succumbed to such a vice, even as she had heard of many men who had. But if he had been, it was clear he no longer was, and in the schools, in his charity work, in everything he had become, Ernest was a different man to the one he now spoke of.

“But…you changed,” she said, and he turned to her and sighed.

“I…I had no choice. When Eleanor left me, I realized the folly of what I’d done. My father was the one to forgive me. He gave me the money to pay off my debts. He rescued me in my hour of need. I owe him everything,” he said, and now Alicia understood better why Ernest had sought and striven to open the schools for the blind.

He wanted to repay his father for the debt he had paid, and the scandal he had avoided. It was remarkable, but Alicia could feel nothing but pity – and admiration – for Ernest, who had so clearly wrought a dramatic change in his own fortunes.

“And you’ve clearly repaid your debts – to him, to yourself, though perhaps not Eleanor,” Alicia replied, for she could only feel sorry for a woman who had lost so much in Ernest’s own gamble with his heart.

“I feel terrible – I think about her every day. I don’t love her as I did. Too much passed between us, but I do feel guilty for the way I behaved. Terribly so. And you…you must think less of me now,” Ernest said, but Alicia shook her head.

There was no shame in admitting one’s weaknesses. Gambling, drinking…vices could afflict even the most noble souls. What was admirable was the fact of Ernest’s recovery, and what he had done to make amends for his own shame. She could not think less of him for this. Indeed, she now thought a great deal more.

“I don’t, no. You had a problem – one that drags many men into terrible sin. But you realized the error of your ways. You went out of your way to change. You did change. Why would I think any less of you? I understand you better now,” Alicia replied, and Ernest gave a weak smile.

“That’s very good of you to say, though I fear others wouldn’t think the same. Forgiveness isn’t something the ton practice,” he said.

“You mean Caroline?” Alicia asked, and Ernest nodded.

“That’s just who I mean, yes. If she knew about my past…well, even she wouldn’t want to marry me then,” Ernest replied.

“Then it shows what kind of woman she is. But I’m not like the rest of the ton,” Alicia replied, shaking her head, and placing her hand on his arm.

He did not withdraw it, but instead, he gave a weak smile.

“You’re nothing like them, Alicia. And that’s what makes it so difficult,” he said.

A ray of sunlight now came through the window of the hen house, and the pitter patter of the rain on the roof had ceased. Alicia looked out – the sky was blue, the storm clouds cleared, and it seemed the worst of the weather had passed over.

“We can go now,” she said, even as she would gladly have remained there in his company forever.

“Yes…we’d better be getting back,” he said, rising to his feet and going to the door.

The path across the moor was a muddy quagmire, and their clothes were still damp from having been out in the rain earlier on. But the horses were more willing now, and Alicia was able to coax Starlight to pull the trap, whilst Ernest rode his mount alongside her.

“What will you do?” Alicia asked, when it came for them to part on the far side of the moor.

He looked at her and sighed, shaking his head sadly.

“I don’t think I have any choice – not if we want the school to have a home, and the children to be educated. Hearing the stories at the orphanage…I can’t abandon them to their sorry fate,” he said, and Alicia smiled.

“And that’s what makes you different, Ernest – different from other men,” Alicia replied.

As he rode off towards Leamington Grange, Alicia could not help but feel terribly sad at the thought of what might have been. She admired Ernest for telling the truth, and for what he had done to make amends for his past. A lesser man would not have felt such guilt, nor would he have done so much to atone for it.

Poor Ernest, Alicia thought to herself, her thoughts lingering on the memory of the kiss they had shared, and wondering if it would be their last…

***

“ Y ou’re wet through, Alicia. What happened to you?” her mother exclaimed, catching Alicia in the hallway, as she attempted to make her way upstairs unseen.

“There was a terrible storm, Mother – you must’ve seen it. The rain was lashing down as I drove the trap across the moor. I’ll hurry and get changed,” Alicia said.

“Good, your Uncle Edward’s here. He’s in the drawing room with your father. Get changed and come down quickly,” her mother said.

Alicia smiled. She was glad to hear her uncle had come to visit. He was her father’s brother, an unmarried man, of some greater years, and had always doted on Alicia as his favorite niece – his only niece. Like her father, Alicia’s uncle was a self-made man, a lawyer of some note, who had spent a great deal of time studying property and land law, being an advisor to no less than the Regent himself.

“Oh, we weren’t expecting him, were we?” Alicia said, and her mother shook her head.

“No…but you know what your father’s like. He invited your uncle weeks ago, then forgot to tell me. Hurry up, Alicia, they’re waiting for you,” her mother said.

Alicia hurried upstairs to change, glad to be out of her damp clothes and to have something to look forward to. In the drawing room, she found her parents and her uncle drinking sherry, and her uncle rose to greet her, embracing her warmly.

“My dear Alicia, how wonderful to see you. Your parents tell me you’re involved in ever so many good causes. You must let me donate something to your cause,” he said, as she kissed him on the cheeks.

“It’s wonderful to see you, too, Uncle. Yes – the school for the blind children, the soup kitchen, the clothes for the children. It all keeps me very busy,” she said, and her uncle beamed at her.

He smelled of cedarwood and rosewater – the comforting scent of the past, for Alicia had always associated the smell with her uncle, who would douse himself liberally with scent after bathing.

“I’m sure it does. Your mother tells me she’d rather you pursued more ladylike diversions. But I think you’d soon get bored practicing French and painting watercolors,” he said, winking at her.

A moment later, the gong sounded, and the four of them made their way into dinner. Alicia’s uncle was a commanding figure, and he held the conversation in his sway over the soup, discussing business with Alicia’s father, before returning to the matter of Alicia’s charitable activities.

“We’ve just secured the promise of a new property outside Lancaster,” Alicia said, as the footmen cleared away the empty soup bowls.

“Is that so? A house, you mean?” her uncle asked, and Alicia nodded.

“Yes, it belongs to the Viscount Pickering. Covinghold – a small estate. It’s perfect for establishing a school, and much better than the property we first identified in Lancaster itself. Children need fresh air, and Covinghold has large grounds, a kitchen garden – everything we need,” Alicia said.

She could not deny the attraction of the viscount’s offer, even as it came with the caveat of marriage. The house would make the perfect setting for the school, and Alicia knew – despite her sadness – it was for the best. But at the mention of the viscount, her uncle laughed and shook his head.

“Oh…him, goodness me…well…” he said, shaking his head.

Alicia looked at him in surprise. She had not realized her uncle knew the viscount – or anything about him.

“But what is it, Uncle?” she asked, and her uncle adopted a serious expression.

“He’s not to be trusted, Alicia. He, nor his friends. They’re involved in some very unpleasant business in the colonies – plantations and so forth. It’s quite abhorrent. But as for Covinghold, I’ve heard the name before. It was subject to an interesting legal dispute some years ago. I wasn’t involved, but I read about it. The Viscount Pickering inherited the house from a relative, but it came with an unusual condition attached,” he replied.

Alicia looked at him in surprise, confused as to what he meant.

“But…I don’t understand,” she said, and her uncle shook her head.

“It doesn’t really belong to him…” he replied.

***

E rnest had returned home, dejected and forlorn. He was soaked through, and when Isobel met him in the hallway, it was as much as he could do to remain civil.

“What happened to you?” she exclaimed.

“Oh…just the weather,” he replied, even as the storm alone would have had no effect on him.

It was the kiss he had shared with Alicia he was now preoccupied with – a kiss he knew had been a mistake, as much as it had been one he had desired. His feelings were confused, torn between heart and mind, and feeling helpless at the prospect of the announcement to come at the ball the following day.

“And the orphanage? Did you find the children well?” Isobel asked.

“As well as could be expected. They have blind children there, but they don’t know how to take care of them properly. The sooner we can get them into the school, the better,” Ernest replied, knowing some good had at least come out of his visit to the orphanage.

“Caroline sent another letter,” Isobel said, pointing to the hallway table, and Ernest sighed.

“Will I ever have any peace from her?” he asked, and his sister raised her eyebrows.

“You’re the one who’s marrying her, Ernest,” she replied, and Ernest shook his head.

“Yes…don’t remind me,” he replied, still thinking of the kiss he had shared with Alicia, and wishing the circumstances could be different.