20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

“ W hat’s the matter, Alicia? You’re not listening to me,” Lily said, bringing Alicia back to her senses.

She looked up at her friend, who was lying on a chaise lounge by the window in her sitting room and smiled.

“What? I…was elsewhere,” she said, and Lily tutted.

“You’ve been elsewhere all afternoon. Now. What about names for the baby. I can’t decide what I prefer – something traditional, or something more fashionable,” she said.

Alicia had been asked by Lily that afternoon to be godmother to the baby, whose arrival was imminent. It was a great honor, and Lily had been delighted to accept. William would be the baby’s godfather, and Anne its second godmother. But Lily had chosen Alicia as her own, and now she insisted on her having a say in the name she and Maximilian chose for their offspring. But despite this honor, Alicia’s mind was elsewhere – the memory of the afternoon she had spent with Ernest lingering in her mind.

“Well…you went quite traditional with Emily, didn’t you. It’s such a lovely name. But you won’t know, until the baby’s born, whether to choose a boy’s name or a girl’s name,” Alicia replied.

Lily raised her eyebrows.

“Well, I know that, Alicia. But it doesn’t hurt to think ahead now, does it? Before Emily was born, we’d chosen both, hadn’t we? Don’t you remember?” Lily replied.

Alicia did remember. There had been long, agonized conversations, and Lily had weighed up the merits and deficiencies of just about every name imaginable. Some were too old-fashioned, some too risqué, others had connotations – “I’m not calling a boy George, I won’t have him associated with the House of Hanover,” she had said, and other names had received similar treatment.

“Well… I suppose…John’s a nice name for a boy, and Charlotte’s a nice name for a girl,” Alicia replied, plucking the first two names she could think of.

Lily made a face.

“John? No…not for the future Duke of Lancaster. John sounds like a dependable stable hand. Charlotte…no, I don’t think so. It’s overused. She’d be Charlotte to every other Charlotte,” Lily replied.

Alicia knew her suggestions – any of her suggestions – would fall on deaf ears. If anything, Lily had surely already made up her mind as to what the baby would be called, and Alicia’s presence was merely confirmatory. Lily would tell her, and Alicia would agree.

“Then what are your thoughts on the names?” Alicia ventured.

Lily thought for a moment, pausing, as though for theatrical effect.

“Well… I think Granville for a boy, and Rubiana for a girl,” she said.

Alicia had to try hard not to laugh. Granville sounded like a man already in the advanced stages of old age, and Rubiana was a name she had never even heard of, let alone thought to call a child.

“But why Granville and Rubiana?” Alicia asked.

“Granville after Maximilian’s great, great grandfather – there’s a marvelous portrait of him at Burnley Abbey. He has Maximilian’s jawline…well, I suppose Maximilian has his draw line. Anyway, it’s a wonderful name, isn’t it? And Rubiana, well…we met a very grand Venetian lady when we were in Venice after our wedding. She had a daughter called Rubiana. She was such a dear little thing,” Lily said.

Alicia smiled. Lily’s mind was made up, and whilst the names were unusual, there would be no dissuading her as to an alternative.

“But I thought you didn’t want something old fashioned. Isn’t Granville…” Alicia said, but Lily shook her head.

“I meant something boringly old-fashioned – like John,” she replied, and it seemed the matter was settled.

“What does Maximilian think about it?” Alicia asked.

The thought of Maximilian agreeing to a name like Rubiana made her smile. The heir to the dukedom would surely favor a more regular name, just as he had for Emily, but Lily waved her hand dismissively.

“Oh…he’ll do as he’s told. I just wish the baby would hurry up and get here, that’s all. I’m growing tired of waiting now,” she said, and Alicia smiled.

Lily was heavy with child, and every day, her capacities were becoming less. The doctor had assured her everything was progressing as planned, even as her ankles were swollen, her morning sickness lasting well into the afternoon, and her cravings given over to the strangest of desires. She was currently eating a bowl of pickled onions, alongside a large glass of milk with honey, whilst Alicia had taken a more orthodox route to refreshment, requesting the maid to bring her tea and a scone with butter and jam.

“I’m sure it won’t be long now. It can’t be much longer,” Alicia said, and Lily sighed.

“I’m sure Emily didn’t take this long,” she said, and Alicia smiled.

“He or she will arrive at just the right time, I’m sure,” she said, and Lily groaned.

“Let it be swift,” she said, struggling to sit up as she reached for the bowl of pickled onion.

Alicia handed it to her, wrinkling up her nose at the pungent scent.

“I don’t know how you can eat those things – and by the jar full,” she said.

Lily shrugged.

“I used to detest them. But I can’t stop eating them now. They’re just so delicious,” she said, putting two into her mouth at once.

Alicia shuddered. She could think of nothing worse, wondering what her own cravings might be if she, too, were similarly afflicted.

“Well, I suppose it’s whatever takes your fancy,” she replied, as Lily took another two onions from the bowl, crunching on them, before taking a large gulp of milk.

“Oh, but Alicia, we haven’t talked about you, have we? I’ve done nothing but bombard you with baby names all afternoon. What’s happening with the school? And the soup kitchen? I wish I could help, but it’s as much as I can do to move from my bedroom into here each day. You know I would, if I could. And what about Caroline? I didn’t like to say anything, but…” Lily said, her words trailing off, as she blushed.

But Alicia was not embarrassed. She knew what the ton was saying – or rather, what the ton was assuming. But she had told no one of what had passed between her and Ernest in the meadows, having sworn her maid to secrecy over the damp dress, excusing herself with the story of rescuing the child and the dog, but without any further elaboration as to the after events…

“Oh, it doesn’t matter, Lily. We both know what Caroline wanted. And we both know she got it. As does the rest of the ton,” Alicia replied.

Despite her feelings for Ernest, Alicia had come to the conclusion as to the folly in thinking anything more could come of what had passed between them in the meadows. The whole ton was talking about the betrothal of the viscount’s daughter and the duke’s son. Whatever private feelings had been expressed or implied, there could be no changing the public face of Ernest’s circumstances. He was trapped, and it would not be long before the announcement of the engagement was made.

“My poor Alicia…but don’t you…don’t you have feelings for him? And what of his feelings for you?” Lily replied, gazing at Alicia with a deeply sympathetic expression.

“Well…it hardly matters, does it? Whether I have feelings for him, or not, I mean. We can’t share those feelings,” she replied.

Alicia had thought about telling Lily everything about the afternoon she and Ernest had spent together. But something held her back. Lily often liked to interfere, thinking she was doing the right thing, when actually she was doing the exact opposite. Whatever her well-meant intentions, Alicia knew her friend could not be trusted not to cause a scandal and knowing Lily and Isobel had already discussed the matter of Alicia and Ernest, it seemed silence was the better path to take.

“But you do have feelings for him,” Lily said, and Alicia nodded.

“I admire him a great deal, and yes…I do have feelings for him. But what use is it? I might love him, and he might love me, but as far as our loving one another together…oh, I don’t even know if it is love,” Alicia exclaimed, sitting back in her chair with a sigh.

She had never been in love. Not really, at least. She had had her share of infatuations. But infatuations rarely survive anything more than a perfect possibility, and whenever Alicia had discovered a fault in the man to whom she had offered her heart, her feelings for him had changed. But this was different. Alicia knew the problems she would face in openly declaring her love for Ernest, yet those same feelings persisted…

“Well, what else would you call it, Alicia? If it’s not love, what is it?” Lily replied.

Alicia shook her head. She did not know, even as tears now rose in her eyes. She pulled out her handkerchief, embarrassed at this unexpected display of emotion. She did not know what had come over her – the sudden welling up of her feelings taking her by surprise. Lily smiled at her sympathetically.

“Oh, you poor thing, Alicia. Don’t get upset. But I think you’ve answered your own question, don’t you? If it wasn’t love, you wouldn’t be sobbing now,” she said, and Alicia gave a weak smile.

“I don’t know…it’s just…seeing him sacrificing himself, his happiness, everything…and for what? For the schools? We can find a way, perhaps…the Duke of Lancaster could be persuaded to help, or another wealthy aristocrat. It just seems so unfair. Caroline has him in her power,” Alicia exclaimed.

She was angry with Caroline, knowing the viscount’s daughter would continue to use threats and cajoling to get her own way. It was terribly unfair and would mean a certain end to any chance of Ernest finding happiness. But as for what she herself wanted, Alicia was uncertain. Her feelings for Ernest were confused, though there was no doubting their strength – enough to bring her to tears.

“And she needs to realize she can’t always have her own way. She’s nothing but a spoiled little madam – her father saw to that. She gets what she wants, and always expects to do so,” Lily replied, shaking her head.

Alicia had now composed herself. She felt foolish for her outburst. She was usually so practically minded, but the memory of what she and Ernest had shared by the riverbank and in the meadows, the touch of his fingers against her cheek… For a short while, Alicia – and perhaps Ernest, too – had imagined what it would be like for the two of them to be a courting couple. It had been a delightful experience – the walk along the riverbanks, the time they had spent in the meadows, even the dramatic rescue of Ernie the dog had only served to bring them closer together. It had all seemed so simple, and yet it was all so difficult.

“She does, but I doubt she will. She takes over everything. Why should this be any different?” Alicia replied.

She knew she was resigning herself to unhappiness – and Ernest, too, was doing the same. But what other choice did she have, save for one with dramatic consequences. Alicia, too, knew what was at stake, and having seen the grateful faces of all those they had helped at the soup kitchen, and knowing how much good the school and all the other charitable works would do, Alicia was willing to make the same sacrifice as Ernest.

“Because it means more, Alicia – it’s your happiness. It’s the rest of your life,” Lily said, shaking her head, as Alicia rose to her feet.

“Well…I don’t know, Lily. It’s easy for you to say. You’ve found your happiness,” Alicia said.

She was not jealous of Lily, but there were times when she felt her friend forget just how lucky she had been in marrying Maximilian, the very man whom Lily had set out to destroy at her own father’s behest. Lily would one day be the Duchess of Lancaster, her future status assured, and her happiness complete. The arrival of another child – be it a boy or a girl – would bring further contentment to an already blissful married state. Lily’s happiness was complete, and Alicia could only compare it to her own.

“Oh, Alicia, let’s not argue over this. You’re right. I have found my happiness. But… I want you to find yours, too,” Lily said.

Alicia smiled at her.

“And I will. But in my own time. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But only when the time’s right. Anyway, I should be going. We’ve got the soup kitchen tomorrow, and I’ve still got half a dozen dresses to unstitch. I’ll call on you in the next few days. And send a message at the slightest twitch for the expected,” Alicia said, leaning down to kiss Lily on the cheeks.

Her friend looked up at her, taking her hands in hers.

“You’re a dear thing, Alicia – there’s no one to compare to you. You deserve all the happiness in the world,” she said, and Alicia smiled.

“And I’m sure I’ll find it…one day,” she replied.