11. Antonio

“Hey,” Rafael says, carefully, as he enters the room. He knows I’m still pissed. “How’s the shoulder?”

“My shoulder is not your problem. Were you seen by a doctor?”

He nods.

“And?”

“I’m fine.”

He doesn’t look any worse for the wear. The kid’s at home in and on the water. He’s like a fish. A fish who never listens to a goddamn thing I say.

“When I tell you to do something, it’s not a suggestion. You knew damn well there was a problem. I recall using the word bomb when I ordered you to the pier.”

“You weren’t on your way to the pier. You were headed straight into danger.” Rafael holds his head high. “There was no way I was going to let you do that alone.”

“You weren’t going to let me? I need your permission to come and go now?”

“You would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes. So I don’t understand why you’re so pissed off.”

“You don’t understand why I’m so pissed off? Fine. I’ll tell you why. First, and most importantly, there was a goddamn bomb on the boat and you could have been killed. Second, don’t tell me what I would have done at your age, in your shoes. A good leader is a good soldier first. Good soldiers follow orders. You keep talking about how you want to be an elite soldier in my inner circle, yet you can’t follow a simple, clear order.”

My ire is rising again—this time, it’s aimed at me. I should have known he’d follow me. If anything had happened to him, I would never forgive myself.

The kid, who looks an awful lot like a man, leans back against the exam table across from me. “It was clear, but it wasn’t simple. How was I going to walk away with you in danger? You act like it was so easy.”

“We don’t only follow orders that are easy. If that were the case, any asshole could be a soldier.”

Rafael comes over to where I’m standing and squares his shoulders. “It would be my life’s honor to be one of your soldiers. But if it means turning my back on you when you’re in trouble, I’ll have to learn to live without the honor. I will never turn my back on you, or leave you alone to fend off danger. Just like you didn’t turn your back on me, or leave me alone with the monsters. Don’t ask me to do the impossible.”

I tamp down the swell of emotion. He’s the young man I hoped he would be. Not because of his loyalty toward me, but because of his character, and his willingness to stand tall for what he believes in and to accept the consequences of that decision.

He’s becoming a good man. But I’m not letting him off the hook. In part, he got to where he is because I held the bar high and set expectations. And I followed through when it would have been easier to sweep lapses under the rug. As much as I’d like to, I won’t let this slide, either. He deserves better.

“I have a lot going on right now. But this discussion is not over. We’ll revisit it as soon as I have time.”

He crosses his arms over his chest. “What happened today?”

“We’re still trying to figure it out. A lot of the evidence is submerged under water. It’s going to be tough going, but we’ll get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, keep your wits about you—and go nowhere, I mean nowhere, without guards.”

He nods. “I never do.”

With one exception, Rafael has had the same guards since he first came to live at the house. They respect his privacy, reporting virtually nothing to me. Would I like it to be different? Absolutely. But it’s the only way it actually works. If he thought they were a pipeline of information, he’d be trying to lose them all the time. That’s what I did when I was his age.

“Do you need anything else before I go?”

My stomach twists. I’ve thought a lot about what to tell him regarding Tomas. In the end, I fall back on some old advice from Dr. Lima. “Rafael will let you know how much he’s ready to hear. Watch for the signals. They’re not always in words.”

“We should talk about your brother.”

“Heard he was missing,” he says flippantly. “I hope the end wasn’t easy for him.”

He knows me well enough to know I’d never let Tomas walk this earth after what he did to Daniela.

I give him a moment. Despite his bravado, and his hatred for Tomas, he was his brother.

“Did you learn anything about my mother?” he asks, softly.

Nothing good.I go over to where he’s standing, with his shoulder propped against the wall.

I’ve had many difficult conversations with Rafael, but this news is akin to sticking a knife in his chest. “She’s dead.” I break the news with the utmost care and reverence, but it’s not enough.

He pounds his fist against the wall, then squeezes his eyes shut and lets his head hang. I stand beside him, quietly, giving him some time to grieve.

She’s been gone for more than half his life—well more. But he’s been clinging to a sliver of hope all these years. I just killed it, and it weighs heavier on me than any life I’ve ever taken.

His father had always accused my aunt of abandoning her children to be with a man. It was the ultimate way of shaming her. When Rafael was nine, he told me it didn’t matter. “I don’t care what she did. I just want her to come back. I miss her so much.” It tore me up at the time. It’s still hard to think about.

“Do you know where she’s buried?” he asks, lifting his head.

“No. And I don’t know how she died. Tomas confirmed her death. He overheard your father discussing it with mine. But he claimed not to know the details.”

“Discussing it? Before or after they killed her?”

“Both.”

“Son of a bitch. He didn’t do anything to stop it? He could have at least fucking warned her. She was his mother.”

I thought the very same thing. I put my hand on his shoulder. “Tomas wasn’t like you. He was a coward.”

“Do you think he might have been lying?”

This is the little boy in him talking.

“There’s no way to know for sure. But I pushed him hard.”

Rafael knows I questioned Tomas, and he knows his death was on my order. But he hasn’t asked if I was the one to actually kill him. Maybe he doesn’t want to know, or maybe he’s grown beyond that. Boys always ask if you were the one to pull the trigger—or drop the bastard in a chemical bath, as was the case with Tomas. There’s something alluring about it to them. Men never ask.

“Have you told your mother?”

“Not yet.”

“She’s going to take it hard. She’s always held out hope that her baby sister was alive.”

My mother’s hope died years ago. But she kept the faith for Rafael. She’s going to be sad, but not at all surprised.

“I’ll find her body one day,” he tells me earnestly, “and give her a proper burial.”

There’s something particularly awful about not being able to say goodbye, or to honor her in death. I’m sure his imagination has taken him to the most gruesome places—wondering if she suffered, or if she died afraid. I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for him.

“Now’s not the time, but you should talk to Lucas. We’ve been looking for her for years. There’s no sense retracing our steps.”

Before the words are completely out, Rafael embraces me. “Thank you for caring about her. Thank you.” He repeats it over and over, until he finally pulls away.

His eyes are wet, but otherwise, he seems okay.

“Do you need anything else? I’d like to get out of this place and get some real food. I’m starving.”

I chuckle. “One more thing. Daniela and I have an engagement tomorrow night. I want you to stay at the house with Valentina. Santi and Mia will be there, as well as Victor, but Daniela will feel better if you’re there. So will I. Is that an order you can follow?”

He nods. “You don’t need to give it another thought. I’ll be there.”