5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Matías Moreno

S cheduling this therapy appointment is probably the hardest thing I've done in my adult life. But after running out of the stadium the other day when I saw Cattleya—and she recognized me—that was the straw that broke the camel's back. That's not a normal reaction to seeing a girl I haven't been able to get out of my head after the most marvelous night of my life. Ugh, admitting that something is not okay inside me and seeking help has never been my MO, but maybe that's why I am where I am right now: hiding from a girl I clearly have had a crush on for years now, and blaming myself for every single thing that happens in this world. I'm twenty- six years old. I'm a fucking adult and still don't function like one, not emotionally at least. I finally understand this is not a healthy way to live, and the anxiety pills can only do so much; I need to talk through my feelings and create healthy habits. For instance, being able to say hi to someone instead of freezing on the spot and then running away as if I was a fucking criminal would be a good start. Maybe I'll never have anything with Cattleya, but I should at least be able to have a friendly conversation with her.

The appointment is this Friday, which means I'll be making lists upon lists of things to share with my therapist. I've never been able to do things half-assed. I'm looking for a notepad on my desk as Luciano, my boss runs into my office, hair disheveled, eyes wide. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's high. But as forward-thinking as he is, he's never been interested in trying drugs.

"Everyone, to the conference room, now!" he says as he turns on his heel. "I'm sorry I look a little out of sorts this morning but I received the call we were all waiting for when I was on my way here."

I already know what he's going to say but I honestly never doubt it; we worked our asses off for this deal.

"I was just notified we won the bid for the Golden Warriors' Stadium!"

The entire room erupts in cheer, filled with hugs and pats on the back. I'm smiling because it is my destiny to, one way or another, be near Cattleya now that she's moved here.

"We'll divide the workload and assign a team to work full-time on project. But first, I want to make you all aware of the Warriors' very specific rule."

I'm all ears because I have no clue what it could be .

"The team was adamant about absolutely no fraternizing with players, as they want to prevent any potential distractions during the season." Luciano takes a pause, looking at everyone making sure we all understand what he's saying. "If any of you have an issue with this rule, please let me know and we can work something out." I look around, but no one raises their hand, so I guess we're good to go. The universe is really trying to tell me to stay away from Cattleya. Luciano nods his head, happy to see this won't be an issue when Delfina raises her hand.

"Not that I have any intention of dating someone forbidden. But why is this clause in place?" Others start murmuring, agreeing with Delfina.

"Yeah, it's a little strange if you ask me."

Luciano rushes to say, "I actually had the same question for the team and they said they have made very big investments this season. They don't want their players distracted, potentially putting the championship in jeopardy. Since they're building the stadium, they're counting on winning the tournament. In other words, they need to win, to get the prize money and pour capital back into their pockets. Does it make sense?" I nod my head slowly, surprised to hear the team made such a risky move investing all their cash in recruiting players and building a stadium instead of playing it safe, but what do I know about businesses?

After the meeting is dismissed, I make my way to my desk and fire up my computer to start my day. I'm praying I won't be chosen to be part of the stadium-building team. I mean, how many civil engineers would they need for the project? Hopefully, I won't be one of them—it'll be easy to avoid her that way.

I should have known luck is never on my side. Of course I got selected for the team. An architect, two other engineers, a PR person, and a finance liaison. Six people exclusively working on creating, from scratch, a stadium to hold twenty-five thousand people. The groundbreaking ceremony is next week, and I'm amazed at the speed all this is going; I guess when you have the money, everything flows— things in this country are never this efficient. I hope it's just a glimpse of what the future holds for women's soccer.

I'm running late for my first therapy session, and my anxiety is through the roof. I took an Uber this morning instead of bringing my baby since it was pouring rain; I didn't want to smell like a wet dog all day. Now I'm stuck in traffic, and I'm trying to call my therapist to let her know I'm running late, but no one is answering the phone. I ruffle my hair in frustration, getting more restless as time passes by. By the time I get to the therapist's office, it's half an hour past the time I was supposed to arrive. I'm sure I'll have to pay for this appointment and schedule a new one, but when I reach the secretary's desk, it's empty.

" Concha ‘e tu madre." I murmur, cursing my bad luck. Taking a deep breath, I promise myself that I'll call next week as early as I can and book a new appointment. I need to make this happen.

As I'm leaving the waiting area, a door opens and a guy, who looks to be in his forties, is waving goodbye, I'm assuming to a therapist. And sure enough, a gray-haired woman materializes by the door. With a welcoming smile, she motions me to enter her office. I release a deep breath, my shoulders lowering in relief.

"You must be Matías, correct?" she asks, and I nod. I apologize for making you wait for so long. I honestly thought you'd have left by now, but the patient before you had an emergency, and I had to take some extra time to help him. "

I smile at her as I take a seat on the brownish couch that covers most of the back wall. It's very comfortable, and as soon as I sit down, I want to lie down and take a nap.

"No need to apologize. I was running late and only came to schedule a new appointment since I didn't think you would see me thirty minutes late." She chuckles as she prepares a mate for herself. She offers me a glass of water, which I take gladly.

"Oh, so we both were running late then. So neither of us missed anything," she says, and I take a long drink of water, trying to clear my thoughts after the rush of anxiety I just experienced. Let's start with something simple. I'm Dr. Sosa. I've been a board-certified psychologist for the past twenty-two years." I raise my eyebrows.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Matías Moreno. Twenty-two years working on the same thing, that's impressive. I don't know if I have what it takes to be so dedicated."

She smiles but doesn't waste time. "And why do you think that is? From my file, I can see you're an engineer with a stable job. You're young and smart; why wouldn't you be able to achieve something long-term?" I see the doc started with the heavy hitters. I think I should chuckle, but it feels forced; I feel cornered by her question. I'm not usually good at speaking about myself. But that's the reason why I'm here, after all.

"Well, I don't think I'm good at anything. I'm an average guy." Her eyebrows grow together in silent question. "I mean, I know I'm good at what I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't have the job I have, but I don't think very highly of myself. I've always been a very quiet person, and sometimes, I feel that it interferes with my ability to interact with others. It's not just that I'm shy. For some reason, I'm always imagining people thinking badly about me, even though they don't know me. That's why I avoid interacting with people so that way, I don't disappoint them." I'm surprised by all the word vomit, but I see Dr. Sosa is quickly taking notes on her little pad that I hadn't noticed before.

"Okay, that's good. There's a lot to unpack there, but we have time. Why don't you tell me what brings you to my office." Taking a sip of my water, I make time to think about how to say this without sounding like a total loser. "Remember, this is a non-judgement environment. Everything that is said here is confidential, and my only purpose is to help you, not to judge you." I relax slightly at her words. I'm not sure if she's going to think the same after I tell her my story.

"I've always been this way, but four years ago, I met a girl." I look at Dr. Sosa, and she's smiling, so I continue. "It was the first time I've felt a connection with a girl. I have really good friends, and I'm able to make jokes and have fun around them, but with girls, it has always been different. I try to be as detached as possible so the girl won't want to get to know me. That way I don't have to explain myself. But this girl was different. For some reason, she made me feel comfortable enough to be myself around her. I met her at a friend's wedding, and we chatted for hours under the moonlight. It was magical." I'm lost in thought, thinking about how beautiful Cattleya looked that night: glowy, sunkissed skin, her hair loose and moving like the ocean waves.

"I take it you're still in contact with this girl?" The doc's question takes me out of my thoughts.

"Actually, no. What makes you think that?"

Writing down some more on her little pad, she answers, "Oh, apologies. It's just that the look on your face made me think this girl was still in your life. "

A small laugh slips my lips. "That's the crazy part. She is, she will always be. Her sister is married to one of my best friends, but the kicker is, I saw her a few weeks back after not seeing her for four years, and I froze. To make things worse, I ran away like I was a criminal hiding from something."

I chuckle, trying to lighten the moment, but the doc remains serious. "I see. What made you freeze? Did she recognize you?"

I nod. "She did. I think she wanted to say hi or something but I swear my brain stopped working. I couldn't form a word if I wanted to. To be honest, the main reason I've avoided her after all those years is because things didn't end well after the wedding."

Dr. Sosa raises her eyebrows but doesn't say anything, so I continue. It's time to let it all out.

"That wedding was like a dream; it was on a private island in the caribbean. The guests and wedding party stayed there for a week, it was amazing. Toward the end of the week, I started chatting with her and it was amazing, as I mentioned before, but on the night of the wedding, we ditched the party and had a private party." I clear my throat and take a sip of water, I don't want to give this lady details of my sex life. "It was the best night of my life, we fell asleep on the beach, straight out of a book, really. But then we got woken up by sirens. When we got back to the resort, we learned her sister had been kidnapped overnight and was almost killed by a crazy woman." When I look at Dr. Sosa, she's stunned.

"That is surreal."

"Yeah, you're not wrong," I say.

This time, she's quick to ask, "And what happened next?"

Passing my hand through my hair a couple of times, I say, "Nothing. She went to her family and they all started crying because it was a really terrifying moment for them, but I shut down. I blamed myself for taking her away from her family when they needed her." I pause to take a deep breath so I can continue telling the story. This has been weighing me down ever since that day. "I decided it was my fault she wasn't with her family and therefore, she wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. So, to avoid the pain of her rejecting me or blaming me, I removed myself from the equation and left the island without saying goodbye."

When I dare to look at the doc, I expect to see judgment and resentment in her eyes, but I see nothing. She's calm and looking at me intently, like she's trying to figure me out. Get in line Doc; I've been trying to figure it out myself. Dr. Sosa looks at the watch on the wall by the window.

"I think this is a good stopping point, Matías. I want to thank you for being so brave and opening your mind to me. I'm a firm believer in assigning homework so you can think about what we say here and can come prepared for our next appointment."

I chuckle as I rise from the couch. "Homework, Doc? I thought I was done with school." She opens the door and turns to face me with a pleasant smile on her face.

"This is the most important homework that you'll ever do because it's to improve yourself. What I need you to do is to think about what would have happened if you had said goodbye all those years ago. Try to think of as many possible outcomes as you can, and what would have been your reaction to each outcome."

I shake her hand as I make a mental note of my homework and head outside to call an Uber. It's going to be a long weekend, thinking about my favorite night of all time.