Chapter 18

I know better than to take Dave at his word at this moment. He's in a weird place right now—the high of his release from the orgasm and the low of finding out his uncle is so ill have placed him in a strange emotional limbo.

I don't know Jonah Steel well. My only connection to the Steels—before Callie, Rory, and Jesse got engaged to three of them—was the awesome foursome. All those hours I spent crying, feeling left out of their little Steel clique, and now Brianna is going to be my sister-in-law.

I never saw that one coming in a million years.

But I can't deny how happy Jesse seems. Jesse, who has held resentment toward the Steels much longer than I have.

"No response to that?" Dave asks.

I nuzzle into his shoulder. "I'm not sure how to respond, Dave. What do you say when a man tells you he could fall in love with you? It's not like you said you are in love with me."

He frowns. "To be honest, Maddie, I'm not sure I've ever been in love before."

His confession doesn't surprise me. He was a womanizer, along with Donny and Brock, for so many years. I doubt he was ever looking for love, so he got what he wanted. Lots and lots of indiscriminate sex.

I try not to let that bother me. Clearly Callie and Rory got over it, because Donny and Brock were womanizers too.

It was Rory herself who coined the term the three Rake-a-teers.

"And no response to that?" Dave says.

I cock my head. "That you've never been in love before? Is that supposed to surprise me, Dave? You've never been serious about a woman in your life."

He sighs. "You're telling me. Then I went and watched Donny and Brock fall for your sisters. It was the craziest thing ever. Donny's older, so maybe it was time for him to settle down, but Brock? He's my age. I figured we'd both have lots more fun before it was time to start our families."

"I see. And you feel differently now?"

He scratches the side of his head. "When I see Brock and Rory, I do. The two of them are perfect together, and so very much in love."

"It sure made my mother happy," I say.

"That she fell for a Steel?"

"That she fell for a man. Rory's been very open about her bisexuality, and she's had relationships with both men and women. Her one and only forever person could've easily been a woman."

"Are you saying your mother's homophobic?"

I shake my head. "No, just traditional. She loves Rory and accepts her for who she is, but I know deep inside she was happy Rory chose a man for her life partner."

"And how do you feel about it?"

I swallow. "I feel…good about it. I love Brock. But I'm mostly happy for Rory because it's always been her dream to be a mother, and that would've been more difficult had she chosen a woman to spend her life with."

"It's not difficult. You can buy that stuff that you need to get pregnant with."

"True, but now she doesn't have to."

"The two of them will make a beautiful kid, for sure," he says.

"God, I know. With Brock's rugged handsomeness and Rory's classic beauty…" I smile.

I smile because I know that makes my mother exceedingly happy. My mother, the former beauty queen, and not one of her daughters were interested in the local pageant scene.

I hate that kind of stuff.

I look back at Dave. He hasn't responded to my last statement.

I'm not sure what to say to him. I've been crushing on him for so long, but I know better than anyone that a crush is not love.

Yet I do feel something for Dave Simpson. Something new and exciting and passionate. I'm almost afraid to put a name to it. Certainly not the L word. Not yet. Especially when he's clearly not ready to go there either.

After all, this has only been going on for a little more than a week.

I could easily be Brianna and say I've been in love with him from afar for the last ten years, but that would be dishonest. I'm not Brianna. I've had a crush on him because he's a beautiful man. So beautiful and so full of joy.

Until now.

But those first two days in Scotland and England, before we had the near plane crash, he was the old Dave. Almost too much so.

Because he was trying to have a vacation from all the shit that has gone down with his family.

I don't want to be just a fuck to him, but I don't want him to go too fast either. Whatever grows between us has to be real. Not some escape for him because his life is troubled.

I'm so young, and so is he. There's no reason to rush into this.

When we first got together in Glasgow, my original thought was that I wanted to snag a Steel like all my siblings had.

But after that near brush with death… And how he reacted…

I want to take it slowly. Or if not slowly, at least not as quickly as all my siblings did.

Because looking your mortality in the face has a side effect. All those things you thought were important?

They're not.

Money? Steel money? Finishing college on time? Figuring out what to do with your life?

None of it matters.

What matters is that you live. That you stop and appreciate the little things because life is made up of those little things. You let every second count.

That's what I'm going to do. Every second of my life is going to count from now on. Whether I spend it with Dave Simpson or not.

And right now, although I'd love to immerse myself in his body and have him give me ten orgasms, I'm not going to.

I'm going to just be with him.

Show him that I'm here, and that I care.

And yes, I could easily fall in love with him, but I'm not going to repeat the words he said to me.

It's just not time yet.

"Dave?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'd like to go home."

He moves away from me. "Did I do something wrong?"

I kiss his shoulder. "No, not at all. But I think you've had a long day. A difficult day. I want you to be with your family. And I think I'd like to be with my family. I have a lot of thinking to do."

"Anything I can help with?"

"You're sweet to ask," I say, "but you have your own stuff to deal with right now. I won't burden you any further."

He smiles. "I don't mind, Maddie. It would be nice to take my mind off my own problems. The problems of my family."

"It's nothing like what you're going through," I say. "Now that I'm home, I'm thinking about going back to school. I can still catch up and finish my final semester on campus."

He's quiet.

Words scramble around my mind as I try to figure out how to continue the conversation—or end it—but then?—

He grabs my hand. "I don't… I don't want you to go, Maddie."

"We can still see each other. I'll just be in Grand Junction. No more than a half hour away."

He presses his lips together. "Yeah, that's true. I can't be selfish right now. You need to do what's best for you."

"I think it might be best for both of us," I say. "Maybe we both need some distance. Figure out if what we're feeling is real or just in the moment."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

My heart sinks a little. But what was I hoping he'd say? Please don't go? I've fallen madly in love with you, Maddie? I'll do anything to keep you here?

None of that was going to happen.

He has too much on his mind with his family.

All three of my siblings will be forced into the middle of whatever's going on, but I can't force myself into the middle when Dave isn't sure about us.

I also need to make sure what I feel for him isn't just infatuation. That it's something more.

And perhaps going back to school will help me to figure that out.

Dave rises, grabs his jeans, and scrambles into them. "All right, baby. I'll take you home."

"I think that's best for now. Maybe we can see each other tomorrow. Have lunch or something?"

"That depends," he says. "When will you be going back to school?"

I rub my chin. "Probably Monday. I've already sent an email to the registrar. I'm just waiting to hear back if I can get into the classes I want and do the makeup work for the first couple of weeks."

He nods.

I rise from the bed and dress quickly.

We don't talk a lot during the half hour ride back to my home. Always the gentleman, Dave gets out first, opens my door for me, and walks me to the door.

He gives me a quick peck on the lips. "I'll see you soon."

"Yeah. Thanks for today."

"I should be thanking you."

"Why don't we just thank each other?" I give him another quick kiss and then go inside.