Chapter Two

"I am certainly not disappointed that we did not stay in London this Season, not when I can smell the sea air from here!"

James glanced to his mother and permitted himself a small smile though, inwardly, his heart ached heavier still as the very same scent which brought his mother such comfort brought himself a good deal of trouble.

"It is a wonderful place," his mother continued, speaking as though she were alone in the carriage. "It has been too long since we were able to return here."

James let out a slow breath. "I am sorry it has taken so long," he answered, seeing his mother look to him directly. "There has been much to do since… well, since the sorrows which have broken our hearts."

Lady Calverton reached across and touched his hand. "You know that I do not blame you for your brother's death."

A shake of his head was James' only answer.

"He was not as he ought to be," Lady Calverton continued, her voice wobbling a little as James turned his head to look out of the window, aware of his own emotions rising steadily. "He should have taken on the title with decorum and with a seriousness which he did not possess. I am broken-hearted over his passing but I am not about to pretend that he was everything that he ought to be."

"I should have been here," James muttered, shaking his head. "The Great Adventure was not something I was required to take on. It was something I chose to do."

"It is something that many a gentleman takes on, however, and you had every right to go and explore this world, just as you pleased! You were the second born, you were not the one who was to bear any great responsibility. Your father was pleased that you were to go to other countries, just as he himself had done."

"I missed his passing, however," James answered, his heart aching all over again. "And by the time news reached me of the funeral, Simon had already taken on the title and had not even considered the mourning period! I returned home to find him in such a degenerate state, he could not be saved from it. Had I been in England, had I been present at the time of father's passing, I might have been able to do something to protect him from such a path."

Again, his mother reached across to take his hand, though this time, she held on a little longer. James was forced to turn to look at her, seeing the tears glistening in her eyes but also the tightness about her jaw.

"You did nothing wrong in behaving as you did," she said, firmly. "Your brother chose to go to that gambling den. He chose to place a bet with coin he did not have. He chose to take on a foolish fight when he was already heavily in his cups. His death might not have occurred had he not chosen to do all those things but when we consider what happened, we have no choice but to place the guilt solely upon his own shoulders."

James shook his head. "It was such a waste, was it not?"

"The money he threw away?"

Holding his mother's gaze, James' heart turned over in his chest, guilt still rattling around him. "His life, Mama. I mean that he threw away his life because he was chasing pleasure rather than responsibility. I do not think that such a choice was worth it."

A small, sad smile came over his mother's face. "No, it certainly was not. No amount of money is worth one's life. But your brother would not listen. I tried to reason with him but he refused to listen to me. I can promise you that, had you been in England, he would not have listened to you either."

"Ah, but I could have tried," James muttered, closing his eyes and pulling his hand away from his mother's. "That might have assuaged my guilt just a little."

"It is guilt that you do not have to bear," she said, firmly. "Release the burden from your shoulders, my son. We have enough pain to deal with already."

When James opened his eyes, he saw the smile on his mother's face, though he did not understand it.

"You must know how proud I am of you," she said, when James' frown grew heavier. "You are a gentleman who has done nothing but shoulder the responsibility that you were never meant to have. Your brother almost ruined us but you have brought us back to respectability. I know how hard you have worked to regain our fortune. I know how much you have taken on, the decisions you have had to make, the struggle that the last few years have been. But we are now returning to the smaller estate by the shoreline, an estate which we feared we would have to sell, but instead, we are now returning there for a short respite."

"It is to be your Dower house, mother," James reminded her, seeing the smile that spread right across her face, sending light into her eyes. "I would have done anything required of me to keep it for you. I know how much you adore this place."

Lady Calverton pressed his hand tightly one more time, then released it as she sat back up into her seat. "My dear son, you bring joy to my weary heart." She tilted her head. "But you like this place also, do you not? The curl of the waves on the sea, the wind which runs wildly through the trees?"

"The howling gales and the torrential rain?" James added, a little wryly as his mother laughed. "I am not certain that I shall appreciate such things as that."

"Though there are many memories of such things, I know," came the reply as James nodded, his smile fading. "We came here many a time when you and your brother were boys. I have always been fond of it. Besides which, I believe that it is very good for one's health and perhaps now, more than ever, we need to have such a respite!"

James nodded but did not smile, turning his head to look out of the carriage window again. The carriage turned into the long, gravel drive but before it could go any further, James reached up and rapped on the roof.

"I think I shall walk for a short while before I return to the house," he explained, as the door was opened for him. "I have been sitting in this carriage for much too long and require a little fresh air. Will you be quite all right by yourself?"

His mother nodded, not questioning what it was that he desired to do. "I shall be perfectly contented. I intend to take tea in the parlor and look out across the estate towards the sea."

James smiled briefly, nodded and then stepped outside. Giving the driver the instruction to take his mother and all their other belongings to the manor house, he turned and strode away from the carriage, making his way out of the driveway and instead, along the path to the side of the estate. Many a time he and his brother had walked along this path as boys, many a time had they escaped together from whatever his father had been intending for them to do. He knew exactly where it led and, all these years later, the path itself was still intact. It led him through the moorland, moorland which was damp under his feet, until he came to the top of the cliffs.

It was there that James paused, his hands going to his hips, his face turned to the wind as he looked out across the waves. The spray of the sea blew up towards him, coating his skin but James made no effort to wipe it away. Here, at least, he felt as though the wind were blowing away some of the heaviness which had clung to his soul for the last few years. Here, he did not have to think about his bills, about his income, about the crops and the many debts he had still to pay. Here, he could be free of all of that for a time.

This last year, his stocks had done marvelously well and, thus he had been able to pay off the last of his brother's debts. It meant that he had very little to put into the rest of his business, but it was enough to know that there was nothing else required to be repaid. He had succeeded in keeping the dower house and his own estate – albeit in the knowledge that some improvements would soon be required – and that had been a great blessing to his mind. For the first time in some years, he was going to permit himself to do nothing as regarded his estate and business affairs. He was going to take some time to walk through the moors, to walk along the shoreline, to let himself feel a freedom which had evaded him for some time.

I am sorry I did not come back in time to stop you, Simon.

James dropped his head, the guilt which had forever plagued him returning back again with force. It did not matter what his mother had said, it did not matter what she had tried to encourage him with, he still felt responsible for his absence. If he had been present, then Simon might never have fallen as far as he had done – and his death might never have come about. He would be the Earl of Calverton and James would have his own position under that but now, James himself had the responsibility to the estate and to his mother. A responsibility that he had never been meant to have.

"But I will do my utmost to keep our name and the family title respectable," he muttered, as the wind chased the words away as soon as they had been spoken. The shame which Simon had brought to them all had been great but James was determined to restore it.

Though that means that I must find a suitable match .

Scowling, James shook his head to himself, turning away as he walked back along the path towards his estate. He had eschewed the thought of making his way to London for the Season. He did not have enough of a fortune to consider matrimony, not as yet, and, were he honest, the thought of stepping back into a society who would still look at him and whisper about all that his brother had done was not a pleasant one. No, for the moment, James would keep his thoughts away from such things. When the time was right, then he would force himself back to society but for the moment, his place was here. Here, in the wind and by the waves; a place where he might be free.