7. Natalia

7

NATALIA

"Don't look at me like that. I'm fine."

Remi cocks his head to the side and gives me a little bark that I roughly translate to mean, I'm on to you, woman.

Ignoring him, I peel back the covers and drag my sorry ass to the bathroom. He pads in after me, observing me with a cool gaze that feels entirely too human to belong to a dog.

I brush my teeth, wash my face, and twist around to find him still in the same position, staring at me with a skeptical expression. You need some serious help.

"They were just dreams, okay?" I insist to him. "Everyone has them."

Although not everyone soaks the bed with sweat because of them. Not everyone wakes up shaking and screaming because of them. Not everyone has to clutch their support animal for dear life just to steal a couple more hours of disturbed sleep.

I drop down to my knees and press my forehead against Remi's nose. "I know I was crazy last night, but… it'll pass."

Mhmm. Convincing.

"Stop," I scold him. "I don't need therapy."

He licks at my fingers and I head back into the bedroom, my restlessness reaching an all-time high.

It's not just my botched escape plan that's bothering me. It's all the relationships I managed to sever by leaving the way I did. They flap around me like cut threads, useless and dead.

Katya and I still haven't spoken. Misha and I seem okay on the surface, but I know he's not as unaffected as he pretends to be. Even the dog thinks I'm full of shit.

After I've changed into stretchy pants and a light sweater, I open my bedroom door to find Leonty sitting in the hallway on an uncomfortable-looking chair, his phone in hand.

He's got dark circles under his eyes and crease marks down the side of his face. "Morning," he yawns.

"Did you actually stay here all night?"

He shrugs. "Orders."

No prizes for guessing whose orders they were. "Where's Andrey?"

"Not here."

"Then I'll just have to find another time to yell at him," I mutter. "Let me know the moment he's back."

Judging by the look on Leonty's face, he's not going to tell me shit. But I'm too tired from last night to insist. Instead, I make my way downstairs towards Misha's room.

"You're following me now?" I ask, when I realize that Leonty is shadowing me.

"Just going in the same direction," he replies innocently.

I exchange a glance with Remi. "He thinks I was born yesterday."

Leonty suppresses a smile. "How did you sleep?" He asks the question with a deceptively innocuous inflection that makes me twist around and jab a finger into his chest. "Ouch," he complains.

"Don't you dare tell Andrey anything about last night."

"Nat, you're struggling?—"

"You're the one who's gonna be struggling if you tell Andrey anything. They were just dreams, Leonty."

He looks even less convinced than Remi. "Maybe it would help to talk about them…?"

"I'd rather not relive them, thanks." I step towards Misha's door, ready to end this conversation. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to check on Misha."

I step inside and shut the door on his open mouth, cutting off whatever else he was going to say to me.

When I turn around, Misha is sitting on the divan in front of his bed, a textbook splayed open across his lap. He tucks it away when he sees me, clearing space for Remi to jump up next to him.

"How're you doing?" I chirp, my voice full of fake cheer.

"Fine."

Misha is smiling down at Remi, so I don't immediately notice the dark circles under his eyes that are even worse than Leonty's. Or the puffiness around them.

Has he been crying…?

My whole body stiffens with unease. But I can't exactly fault him for keeping his feelings close to his chest when I'm guilty of the same thing.

I decide to try a different approach. "What do you say we go out today? Take a car and grab lunch somewhere?"

Misha looks less than enthusiastic. "I have physical therapy in a couple of hours. And the concussion makes me tired."

"That's okay. We can just talk here."

He looks alarmed like I've just sprung a pop quiz on him. "Talk about what?"

"About the fact that you're upset with me but you're trying to hide it."

"I'm not mad at you," he protests. But he looks at Remi when he says it.

I inch close enough to place my hand on his knee. "Misha, you have every right to be mad at me. I know I hurt you when I tried to leave."

"Which time?"

I raise my eyebrows.

His mouth turns down with guilt. "I'm sorry?—"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Misha. I'm the one who should be apologizing." I squeeze his knee. "I didn't leave because I wanted to. It just felt like the only way to protect the babies."

"Bab ies ?" Misha gasps.

"Twin girls." I nod, giving him a bracing smile. But just as quickly, it fades. "Leaving everyone was harder than I could have imagined. Especially because it meant leaving you as well."

He shifts in place, color rising on his cheeks. "You don't have to say that."

"I'm saying it because it's true. I wasn't lying earlier when I said I thought of you as mine, Misha. It's just… You're on your way to becoming a man, and I didn't think you'd want to sign up for the kind of life I planned on living."

His eyes crinkle at the edges as he frowns.

"I figured you'd be better off with Andrey. I was hoping you and Remi would take care of each other."

Remi perks up a little when he hears his name. Misha strokes his head thoughtfully. "Do you still think leaving is a good idea?"

I had hoped to avoid this line of conversation, but now that he's asked…

"Sometimes."

He lifts his gaze to mine. "So you're still thinking of going?"

I would love to tell him what he wants to hear. But I also don't want to lie. "I haven't made up my mind yet… but I'm leaning that way," I admit.

He sighs, his chin drooping back down to his chest. "I was afraid of that."

I force his gaze to mine again. "But Misha, this time, I can give you the choice. You're under no obligation to, but if you really want… you can come with me."

A ripple of pleasure flits across his face. But almost immediately, it dulls. "Do I have to decide right now?"

"No, not right now."

He nods, clearly relieved. Then, as if he can't help himself, he adds, "I'll miss you."

I lean in and wrap my arms around him. "You have no idea how much I'll miss you ."

Remi whines for some of the attention to be directed his way. We break apart, both comforting the dog. It's easier than comforting each other.