20. Natalia

20

NATALIA

"He's moving Aunt Annie into the manor with us."

Evangeline's eyes go wide at my bomb drop. "We've been sitting here almost fifteen minutes and you tell me this only now?"

Only because I can still hardly believe it myself. Andrey just told me yesterday, and I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.

I pick at the hem of my dress as Remi burrows his head deeper into my lap. "He said he thinks it would be good for Annie to have some company since she's trapped in the house all day. Misha, too."

"Do you think that's the reason he's moving Annie to the manor?"

"Not really." I bite my lip. "I think he's doing it for me."

That's why, when Andrey told me, I couldn't even speak. My throat clogged with emotion, and all I could do was push onto my tiptoes and press a kiss to his cheek.

"How does that make you feel?" Evangeline falls back on her default question.

"Confused, mostly."

"Not touched? Or appreciative? Or happy?"

I purse up my lips. "Way to make me sound like an ungrateful bitch."

"I meant nothing of the sort." Evangeline laughs. "I just want you to articulate why a gesture as thoughtful as that would make you feel confused."

"Because it just complicates everything." As if everything hasn't been complicated from the moment I stepped into that elevator with Andrey. "Sometimes, it's easier to hate him."

Evangeline scribbles in her notes. I've only been in therapy a few weeks and she's almost at the halfway point of her notebook.

"‘ Need to up her meds.'" I pretend I'm writing. "‘The patient is seriously troubled.'"

She covers her notebook. "You shouldn't spy on other people's journals. I didn't know I was writing that big."

"Hey!"

Evangeline just winks at me with a laugh. "Natalia, it's perfectly normal to be confused about your relationship with Andrey. After all, the two of you have never actually had a conversation about what you both want."

"Sex, mostly." She arches her eyebrows and immediately, I blush. "That was a joke."

"Jokes can be used to deflect serious topics." She adjusts her glasses on the bridge of her nose. "They can also be a very effective coping mechanism—a form of self-preservation."

"And what, in your professional opinion, do you think I'm trying to preserve?"

"Your heart, for one," she suggests.

I cringe. Well, that's what I get for asking.

I wait for Evangeline to offer up more professional observations, but she just leans into the silence, letting the room get real weird and awkward.

"I don't really have anything to say," I finally mumble.

She cocks her head to the side. "Nothing at all?"

"I have a few more jokes, but I'm afraid you'll accuse me of using humor to deflect my internal heartbreak again."

More silence.

More weirdness.

"I'm not heartbroken over Andrey, okay? I'm just frustrated."

"And why do you think you're so frustrated with him?"

"Um, hello?" I point at my belly. "He knocked me up, for one. Then he forced me to move into his pool house. Now, I can't even sneeze without four huge bodyguards perking up. I can't breathe! It feels like he's suffocating me."

" He's suffocating you?" Evangeline inquires. "Or the situation is?"

"Is there even a difference?"

"Maybe, maybe not. You tell me."

I grimace. Honestly, what's the point of a damn shrink if I have to do all the work myself? "I don't know, okay? Maybe I'm too broken to figure it out."

Evangeline snaps her notepad shut and sets it down. "Okay. Let's start with a simple question then. Do you have feelings for Andrey?"

The sad part is, I don't even have to think about my answer. "Yes."

"Are you in love with him?"

Yes. Duh. "I don't know."

Evangeline nods. "Is it possible that you're scared to love him?"

"Can you blame me if I am?" I explode. "The man has no idea who I am or what I want! And that's after I've told him exactly what I want."

"Maybe he's trying."

I can't help but roll my eyes. "Did he pay you to say that? The man has everyone under his thumb, I swear."

"No, you told me when you mentioned that he was moving your aunt into the manor. It sounds like he's trying to me."

She has a point. Clearly, she's doing a much better job of following this conversation than I am.

"Okay," I accept. "Okay, so maybe he is trying in his own way." I unfurl my hands and wipe my sweaty palms against my skirt. "It was a nice gesture. A sweet, thoughtful, touching gesture. But I want more ."

God, she really knows how to wield these silences.

I sink into the couch. "And I can't help but wonder, what if I want more than he's willing to give me? What if I want more than he's capable of giving me?"

"Putting yourself out there is always going to be a risk, Natalia," Evangeline says. "The question is, do you love him enough to take it?"

I exhale sharply. It's a damn good question. "I'm starting to understand why they pay you the big bucks, Doc."

Evangeline smiles. "You've experienced a lot with Andrey in a short space of time. The two of you have been on a very intense roller coaster since you met. Before you could really get to know each other—or even understand each other—you had other, very serious things to deal with."

Pregnancy. Abduction. PTSD… The list goes on and on.

"Maybe you need to go back to the basics," she suggests. "You're not sure what you want right now or how to get it. So maybe, instead of worrying about trying to make a full-blown relationship work, you need to focus on existing together without the pressures of a romantic entanglement."

"That's a very fancy way of saying we should try being friends."

Evangeline chuckles. "I have to flex my expensive education somehow."

I take a second to chew the idea over. "In your professional opinion, can friends have sex? And before you answer, you should know that the hypothetical sex would be really, really good."

There's a lot about Andrey I'm confused about, but that's one point we've never disagreed on.

"If it was mediocre sex, then maybe. But good sex? Definitely not."

Now, who's making jokes?

"Friendship with Andrey." I try the idea on for size. "I don't even know where to start."

"How about with a little honesty?"

I drop my chin, looking up at her from under lowered brows. "No offense, Evangeline, but if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't need you."