Chapter 20

A fter a long ride, the scarf wrapped around my head seemed to do far too little to protect me from the noon sun. But even hotter burned Skrain's chest against my back, making me acutely aware of how close we were.

Our black horse galloped over the dunes, mane fluttering, and he held me tightly, one arm firmly around my waist, his other hand gripping the reins. The rush of wind and my pulse whooshing in my ears, it was a little how I imagined flying would feel, but heaviness filled my heart.

Since I'd woken in Skrain's embrace, in his bed, I'd choked down the same three words again and again and again. Just when I thought they'd finally gone, they surfaced again, tying my tongue into knots, making it hard to focus.

I felt it, too, last night. Creators, I'd almost said it.

I love you .

What insanity to tell a man I'd met a few days ago that I was in love with him. But if I felt it, did it really matter how long we'd known each other? And the more time I spent with Skrain, the closer I was to believing his story about my death. About being his wife .

His darling wife .

Blood rushed to my cheeks, even the tips of my ears getting hot.

Whenever he called me his wife, I couldn't think clearly. It was like sunshine trapped in my chest, as if I glowed from the inside out, and all I could do was smile, smile, smile.

A slow sigh expanded my ribs.

I love you .

Why didn't I say it back?

"Nervous about the ritual?" Skrain asked, and I startled from deep thought. "You were sighing."

"I guess," I said, locking my fingers with his as they laid across my midriff.

"You have nothing to be afraid of, Kerys." His hand squeezed mine. "We're almost there."

He spurred on the horse, and the animal whinnied before breaking into a final sprint. As we crested a row of dunes, my mouth slackened. A shiver shook me to the marrow, my stomach churning.

The old mansion .

The blackened, skeletal remains of the grand house Skrain used to call home. The manor he claimed I called home, too.

Only the upper level and the top of the garden walls stuck out of the sand. The rest was buried beneath the desert, flowering cacti and tumbleweeds dotting the surface, but I would have recognized this building anywhere, in any state of disrepair. I'd never seen anything like its aesthetic mixture of flat and domed roofs, giving it the appearance of a small castle.

It looked the same as the mansion I'd spent the past days in.

The pit in my stomach grew as Skrain stopped the horse. He let go of me and slid off his cloak's hood before dismounting, offering his hand to me. Shoulders tense, I took it, climbing down. My boots hit the sand, when a stench assaulted my senses, acrid and sharp.

"Do you smell that?" I asked, pinching my nostrils shut.

Skrain sniffed and shook his head. "Smell what?"

I tilted my head, hand dropping from my nose, and inhaled deeply. My brows drew low, confusion swirling in my mind. I would've sworn there was smoke in the air, but now, I only smelled the dry dustiness of the dunes and Skrain's scent.

"It's nothing," I said, leaning into him.

His mouth crinkled into a grin before he kissed me. "I said there's nothing to fear, but that doesn't mean you have to hide your emotions. You don't have to be strong for me. I know you've had a bad hand dealt to you in this life, and you had to act tough to survive. That time is over."

A mess of jumbled words thickened my throat, but I forced myself to smile. "Let's just get this over with, okay?" I choked out.

Skrain gave an encouraging nod as he untied a leather pack from the back of the horse. "As you wish, my priceless treasure."

We marched toward the remains of the house. Each step made me feel sicker, my feet dragging as if pulled down by quicksand. Skrain helped me climb to the top of a flat roof and set the bag down.

"I'll get everything prepared," he said, and took a hand broom from the pack. His tail swung in perfect synchronicity with each broad stroke as he swept the sand from the area ahead of us, revealing terracotta tiles.

I pulled the scarf from my head, loosely wrapping it around my throat. Restlessly, I fumbled with the seam of my tunic, then the clasp of my belt, then the ties of my trousers. "What do I have to do during the ritual?"

Skrain looked at me over his shoulder, putting the broom aside and rummaging through the bag again. "Just let the memories come to you. According to this ancient text …" He took out a red book with swooping Xar'vathi writing on the cover, flipping it open. The pages were yellowed and worn thin with age, crinkling as he leafed through them. "You're supposed to see the most important moment—or moments—of your previous life, and by reliving them, your memories will return."

I frowned, poking my tongue into my cheek. "Where did you even find this? How do we know it's safe?"

"I've been corresponding with a doctor, an expert on magical amnesia, and he sold me this spell. Besides, Kerys, I'm a wealthy man with many contacts across this realm, most of which owe me a favor here or there. And if there's something I want, I can just buy it. If I can't find something, I'll pay someone to find it for me."

"But no one could find me ," I burst out, wincing as Skrain deflated.

"You're right." His brows knitted. "I wish I had an explanation for you, some good reason why it took me so long to find you. But I assure you it wasn't for lack of trying. I hired a small army of agents from all factions and races, from paupers to nobility—just to locate you." He raised his arms, the book cover smacking his thigh as they dropped again. "And what did I achieve? Nothing. Trust me, not a single day goes by that I don't hate myself for failing to find you earlier."

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me."

"But you're correct." He barked a humorless laugh. "As much as I despise myself, as hard as it has become to look at myself in the mirror, turning away from the truth won't change it, and I owe it to you to stand by my Hells damned mistakes. I can't undo the past, but I can try my fucking hardest to make our future together worth the suffering I caused you."

I reached for his free hand, lifting it to my mouth. His eyes softened as I pressed a kiss to each of his knuckles.

"My suffering was never your fault, Skrain. And after the ritual, the past doesn't matter anymore. We'll get our happy ending." My teeth clacked as I snapped them shut. I couldn't believe I just said that.

My belly tightened with anxiety, though not because I didn't want the happy ending I promised him. Maybe I wanted it too much.

I couldn't tell what I was more afraid of—never finding out who I used to be, or knowing exactly what I'd lost. Or worse, finding out I wasn't who Skrain hoped I was.

My time with him was magical, and I wasn't ready to let go. I had never felt more desired, better cared for, or more content than at his side. We had that kind of fucked up, filthy, messy relationship I'd never dared to want.

Even if I was terrified, I had to go through with the ritual. I'd never forgive myself, never find peace unless I knew the truth.

A hard swallow shifted the column of Skrain's throat before he smirked. "Yes. We'll get our happy ending."

He was nervous, too, both of us pretending to be fine for the sake of the other. I couldn't help wondering if that was what love meant. Being vulnerable with each other, but also giving each other strength. Hope. Knowing from the glint of worry in the other's eyes that even if things went wrong, we'd get through it together.

I thought back to the night we met, when I stood alone at the docks, watching distant ships sway on the waves. Suddenly, I knew the answer to my own question.

I craved both freedom and safety—and I found them in Skrain.

Freedom to be brash, clumsy, way-too-outspoken and still love myself, still be loved by him.

Safety from this cruel world, his arms my shield, his heart my harbor.

Skrain put a kiss on top of my head and pulled away. He took something else from the bag, and my eyes widened as they fell on a slim, short dagger, dark runes engraved in the ivory bone hilt. I squinted, trying to make out the writhing lines, and my head throbbed with pain, a surge of dizziness making my vision swim.

"Don't look at the writing," Skrain snapped, hiding the blade behind his back. "It's Demonic. My pact allows me to tolerate it, for a while. But you're fully mortal and not trained in the dark arts. At least not as you are now. If your magic returns, it would be a different matter. Still, I'd rather not have your brain melting before we even get started."

I tensed. "This ritual is of demonic origin?"

"That's no reason to worry, Kerys. You never came to Xar'vath in this life, but you must know that demonology, hemomancy, and necromancy are integral parts of our magical culture. Even the Emperor has used them to prolong his lifespan."

I gritted my teeth. "Fine."

Skrain pointed to the middle of the area he'd cleared with the broom. "Stand there when you're ready."

My palms stuck together as I wrung my clammy hands and did as I was told, taking up position. I planted my feet, squared my shoulders, consciously taking slow, deep breaths. "Ready," I announced.

"I need you to stay completely still and silent during the ritual. And I need you to trust me," he said, setting the book aside on the bag before he approached, blade raised. "Do you promise to trust me, my darling wife?"

The ice in my chest thawed. "I … do."

Skrain had me developing a habit of going against everything my common sense warned me about, like doing odd rituals with my stalker, but this was different. I didn't have to force myself to rely on him. It felt natural. Good. Easy.

I wanted this.

Skrain took my trembling hand, turning it up. His mouth moved with hushed syllables in Xar'vathi, spoken under his breath. My heart pounded as he lowered the dagger to my palm. Carefully, like an agonizing caress, he carved a winding, spiral-shaped rune into my flesh.

I hissed, my breath catching as blood welled from the wound, and he tilted my hand, red dripping onto the orange roof tiles.

Drip. Drip. Drip .

His lips didn't stop moving as he brought the blade to my face. I flinched, but his expression softened, and I remembered my promise, forcing my shoulders to fall. He plucked a thin strand from the underlayer of hair behind my ear, using the dagger to saw through it, and let it drift into the growing, crimson puddle.

Drip. Drip .

A shadow skirted along the edges of my vision, thorns and dark mist, but when I blinked, it was gone. Goose bumps rushed over my skin. This feeling, the hallucination, must have had to do with Skrain's magic.

He stepped back and opened the locket around his neck. Gently, he used the weapon to pry the amber encased strand from the pendant. Breathlessly chanting, he dropped it into the red at my feet. Sanguine spattered over my boots, and I suppressed the urge to jump away, keeping every muscle stiff as a board.

Another tingle of magic crept in a shiver across my body.

Skrain's eyes met mine, and he gave a reassuring nod before he dragged the dagger across his own palm. Hand flexing to quicken the blood flow, he circled me, the dark green liquid drawing a ring around me.

My pulse raged so loud in the silence of the desert; my eardrums ached. All I could hear was my heart—and the incessant dripping of my blood like a leak in my skull.

Drip. Drip .

Drip .

Skrain paused in front of me, lips dry from silently reciting the spell. His breath came in short bursts, a focused frown wrinkling his brow.

I swayed. Black spots floated in my vision.

Drip .

Skrain's hand shook as he stretched it forward, above the pool of my blood. When the first drop of emerald hit red, my lungs constricted. The world around me blurred.

Verdant flames roared upward from the puddle, and my pulse skipped. I stumbled.

I looked to Skrain, but he was still chanting, eyes closed, sweat building on his forehead and his tail lashing.

How long had it been since my last breath? Since the last beat of my heart?

My knees buckled.

My vision faded into darkness.

Heat and pain beyond imagining enveloped me.

I screamed as I felt my skin roasting.

Flesh blistering.

The stench of burned meat stinging my nose.

Fire , I thought. Flames everywhere . No way out .

I'm going to die .