Chapter Sixteen

Darcy

T hat evening, Darcymade his wayto his study wherehe'dintended to take dinner, only to find Mrs Potts standing there.

"Excuse me, sir,"she said withsomewhat ofa sheepish smile,"but I am afraid there has been a change to dinner plans."

"Achange to my plans?"he asked, perplexed. Heusually ate either in his study orin hischamber unless his cousin called on him. However, Richard had only called on him to deliver the news that he had to marry a stranger and had swiftly departed again. Therefore,thereseemed to be no reason for his plans to change.

"Miss Bennet has requested your company in the dining room, and dinner has been set up there,"she saidsimplyas if there was no room to argue.

"Mrs Potts, may I remind you that you work for me, not Miss Bennet?"hesaid,a littletoo sharply.However, Mrs Potts had always beenaformidablewomanand did not take his outburst personally.

"But she will soon take charge of running the household. Thehousekeeper usually confers with the lady of the house and would defer to her,"she reminded him.Darcywanted to object, butof course,what she was saying was correct.

Reluctantly, he dropped his shoulders."Very well. Iam famished and I do not want to argue. Butplease, in the future consult me before you make such changes."

"Of course, sir,"shesaid,as she escortedhim to the dining room. "Miss Bennet has ensured that the menu will be to your taste,"she added.

Darcy scoffed."And how, pray, did she do that, considering she does not know me?"

"She is a very astute young lady and has ensured everything will be to your liking, rest assured,"Mrs Potts said with a smile.

"What would be to my liking, would be to dine in peace in my chamber or in my study as I always do,"he said as they turned into the dining room.

The shimmer of flickering candles on the table caught his attention before anything else. Hedid not like to eat by candlelight anymore and usuallytook his mealswhen there was still light outside.

However, he notedthatbucketswith sand and water had been placednear the windows. Good.Thiswas a change he had implemented after the fire.Wheneverthere was any flamelit in a room,there had to bebuckets of water and sand to prevent the horror that had robbed him of Georgiana from repeating itself.

Once he had reassured himself, he looked at the dining table.Thefinest china had been brought outandcrystal gobletswere placedbeside steaming bowls of what smelled like white soup. Thetable hadbeen set upas if they were hosting a granddinner,rather than a plain meal for two.

However,what surprised him more than anything, wasMiss Bennet, who rose when she saw him.

She looked magnificent. Therewas no denying it. Hehad always found her exceedingly handsome, but tonight she dazzled. Shewore a white gownthatwasgatheredat the bust and flowed when she moved. Itcomplemented her dark hair and eyes, and he saw that she had applied lip pomade, giving her lips a lovely red tinge.

"Mr Darcy, please join me,"she saidin a sweet tone.

"Miss Bennet,"he said as hemade his wayto his chair. Realisingthat he should remember his manners, he stepped behind her chair, waited for her to sit, and helped adjust the chair properly.

"Ithought that I had made my thoughts known, I prefer todine alone,"hesaid, thenhecaught Mrs Potts glaring at him. Hewas well aware that this was not the proper thing to say. Shehad made an effort, but he liked things his way.

"Iknow, but I thought it would be pleasant to discuss our future.There'smuch we must talk about. Suchas the wedding,"shesaid with a smile that would be bewitching under other circumstances, but now he wondered if she was taunting him.

"All the details have been arranged with your uncle,"he said and spread his napkin over his lap.

"Between you and him, but not between you and I. Thismay not be the marriage I dreamed of, but it may as well be an enjoyable wedding."

"Anenjoyable wedding…"he groaned because he suddenly remembered that he had agreed to her family travellingto Pemberley for the ceremony. Hehadagreedwithout realising what that meant. Beingseen.

"Yes, Mr Darcy. An enjoyable wedding. Is the thought of enjoying yourself such a foreign notion?" she said.

"Miss Bennet, I thinkit isbest that you and I marry without fuss. Yourfamily is, of course, welcome here, but I would prefer we married quietly, perhaps the day before they arrive, and then you can have your time with them."

He saw that this was not the answer she had been looking for because her eyes darkenedandshe looked down at her hands.

"At least give me a proper wedding,"she said."I am giving up everything I have dreamed of to become your wife."She sounded genuinely hurt. Darcyrealised that he was being harsh.

"Very well,"he said,"I thought perhaps we could marry at Pemberley, but if you wish we shall marry in the church. Iwill speak to the former vicar of Lambton church, Mr Stanley, to see if he will marry us. Hebaptised myself and my sister, so it will only be proper that he sees me married. He has retired, the poor chap is too feeble to take regular services, butI think we can both agree that we would rather not have Mr Wickham do the honours."

She nodded, "We are in full agreement in that regard, Mr Darcy."

"Good. Ishall greet your siblings and your parents, and we may partake in the wedding breakfast together, but then I wish to leave. Perhaps, telling your parents I have urgent business to deal with. Is that acceptable?"

She looked at him intently for a moment andthennodded before taking a delicate sip of her soup. Then, she met his eyes.

"We can."

"And your sisters, I recall you saying they were rather silly. Iwould prefer if they not looked at me as though I were…"Hedidn'twant to saythe word monster ,but they both understood what he meant.

"If you want, my sisters can remain at home and only my parents, Jane, and Charles will attend the wedding. They will want to come, but it might make for a more peaceful wedding if they remained in Longbourn."

"Bingley…"Darcy wanted to groan.Therewere so many details hehad not thought of, but it was too late to go back on his promises now.Hewould have to grin and bear it for the day.

"Iwould prefer that."The following silence at the table was a circumstance Darcy found rather refreshing, until he looked at Mrs Potts. Hishousekeeper stood at the door so she could bring in the next course, something a housekeeperat a homethe size of Pemberley would never usually be required to do.

Alas, MrsPotts, just like Mr Lightower and to some degree Mr Cogsworth, filled more than one role in the household.

And tonight, Mrs Potts' role appeared to include judging Darcy. Shelooked at him with obvious displeasure, eyebrows raised. She wanted him to make civil whiskers, to at least act the part of a gentleman and host. Verywell. Itwas, of course, the polite thing to do, andhehad already realised thathisplan to continuehislife as it had been after the wedding would likely not come topass."Miss Bennet, I beg your pardon. Iam no longer accustomed to making polite conversation."

"Perhaps you could simply fill the silence by telling me what you intend to do about Pemberley. Aboutthe repairs."

He had not expected her to make itquiteso easy for him. Indeed, he had thought that she would want to talk more about the details of thewedding,or perhaps push him to accompany her into town or do other things he wasnot comfortablewith.However,construction was somethinghe could talk about without worrying too much about saying the wrong thing,andso he did.

He told her about the plans for the first floor, how the stonework was structurally sound, but that joists and flooring would all need to be replaced. That perhaps, the roof may require some work as the lead had melted with the heat, and the chimney stack needed to be rebuilt. Hespoke of his preferred fabrics, designs, and whatever else came tohismind.

Ashespoke, she listened carefully, never taking her eyes off him. Itwas just as well that she had seated herselfin such a waythat his blemished side was not visible.Forherto see his scars, she would have had to sit on the other side. Itwas kind of her not to sit there and make him feelbadabout them.

Or was it for her self-preservation, so she would not have to look at them and feel bad herself? Grasping that he had somewhat suddenly escaped into his thoughts, he could not stop thinking about her reason for sitting as she was. Wasit a kindness? Besides, he did not understand why shewas so insistentthat they take dinner together.

"…Iwould very much appreciate it,"she said, and he looked up.

"Ibeg your pardon,"he said, pausing a moment before repeating herself,"I said that you had told me about your library. Iwondered if you might show it to me."

"It is on the first floor, near your chamber. Youmust'vepassed it multiple times already,"he said, but then he realised what she was doing. Shewanted to prolong their time together. Butwhy?

"Iknow it, but I thought you might show me anyhow. Perhapsyou might have a suggestion for a good book? You were reading a novel by Mr Swift, we may share a similar taste in literature."

He wanted to decline. Hewas not used to company, and he had been doing more talking these last few days than he had in months, if not years, and he was starting to get tired. Yetatthe same time, he knew he should not be rude.Thiswas not easy forhereither. Hehad to keep that in mind.

"Well,"he said,"if you like, I will show it to you. Areyou ready now?"He asked, before he noticed that she had not finished her dessert yet.Still, she placed her spoon down quickly and got up.

"I am," she replied.

"Good," Darcysaid,and threw his napkin down.

"After you,"he said at the door, and she exited. Hersweet scent tickled his nose, and the image of a meadow in the summer sun emergedonce more. Hefollowed her up the stairs, gratefulthat shedid not feel the need to prolong their conversation for the time being.Inthe hallway,hetook the lead again, his footsteps thundering down the hall.

At the library, he swung the doors open and stepped inside. Theyhad dined early, so daylightstillstreamed through the windows, although it was a little dim in the spacious room as the fire had not been lit.

"I shall fetch a candle," Miss Bennet said breezily, as she brushed past him.

He stood half inside the library in silence waiting for her to return. He preferred to read by the firelight alone, or only venture into the library during the day. It was silly, he knew that for generations the Darcys had read by candlelight in the library without any unfortunate consequences—but since his sister's death, fire to him seemed the enemy. Something to avoid if at all possible.

Miss Bennet returned carrying two candlesticks with lit candles, and he found himself inhaling sharply as she walked past him and placed them on the mantelpiece. Hestared into the flames, fearfully.Ifonly there were somesort oflight source other than candles or oil lamps he would feel much more comfortable. In Town, there were gas streetlights now, but Lambton was a long way away from having such luxuries, and Darcy wasn't sure how much safer they were.

He confirmed that the obligatory sand and water buckets had been placed, and he relaxed a little, but not before catching MissBennet'seye, and she looked mortified.

"I am sorry Mr Darcy, I didn't think. Would you rather that I extinguish the flame? Itis rather dark in here but I could always take the books to the window."

He waved a dismissive hand."Not to worry. Itis just a candle after all,"he said, although since the fire, a candle was never just a candle, and the fireplace never just a fireplace. Theywere harbingers of doom. Atleast in his mind. He knew that most people did not think like that.

"Anyhow, as you can see, this is the library. It was primarily built by my father and grandfather. Bothwere avid readers and I took after them. Though all my family loved books. Overyonder arethebooks that my mother liked to read, she was interested in the natural world and she loved the classics. And Georgiana's books are to the left. Up top there are poetry and novels."

He made his way across the room,taking a seatin the wing chair by the window, far away from the mantelpiece with the burning candles. Miss Bennet made her way to the bookshelf, the soft light of the candle illuminating her handsome face.

He watched her long, slender fingers travel along the back of the books.Onoccasion, she would pick one up, flick through the pages, and return it.

"It is rather an eclectic collection,"she said."I shall spend many happy hours here, I am certain. Myfather'slibrary is not a quarter of the size of this one,"she said, and he smiled.

"If you think this is a grand library, you should see myuncle'sat Matlock Estate. Itis twice the size."

She turned, leaning against the bookshelf."Have you been there often?"

He looked away."I used to visit quite regularly, though now I do not. Ihave not seen my uncle for quite some time."

"Iam sorry to hear that. May I ask, is travelinguncomfortable for you?"sheasked, andhewas taken aback by the question for a moment, not understanding whatshemeant. Thenit came to him. Shemeanthis burns.

"Nothing is ever truly comfortable for me, Miss Bennet. Iam trapped in my body as it is, but I make the best of it. Travelis no more or less comfortable for me than anything else."

"I understand your cousin comes to call on you at times?" she asked.

Why would she not stop asking him questions?Darcy thought.This was not going to be a real marriage. Theywere not meant to get to know one another. Shewas meant to lead her life and he his.

"He does, when he is in Derbyshire. He is posted down south with the military," he explained.

"Ah yes, he is a colonel,"she said."Mrs Potts mentioned him."

So she had discussed his personal affairs with others.Thisshould not have surprised him. MissBennetwas increasingly vexinghim with her determination to get to know him.

"Yes, Richard and I are good friends. Wealways have been. Hewas guardian of my sister alongside me before…"His words trailed off, and he looked away towards the window where the sun was now setting, a brilliant orange and purple glow cast across the skies.

An uncomfortable stillness settled over them,whichwasonly brokenwhen she spotted the table in the corner, which held a chessboard.

"Do you play chess?"she asked, and he nodded.

"I do. You?"

"Iam afraid not. Myfather tried to teach me, but I was rather hopeless at it. Ithink my fingers have an aversion to anything that is black and white, as I cannot play the pianoforte either,"he narrowed his eyes, not understanding.

"The chess pieces are generally black and white," she explained. "Asare the keys on the piano forte. Both cause me a lot of trouble. At least when it comes to the chessboard, my troubles do not impact others—the same can't be said for my musical aspirations."

"Isee,"he said, partof him had to admit shewas an entertaining person. Whetheror not her personality appearedratherbubbly, which was more than he could say about his own.

"Ido play backgammon. Do you play?"

"We have a set. Mysister was fond of it. Ido not know how to play."

"Iwill be glad to teach you,"she offeredat once.

"I take it that your aversion to black and white does not extend to the backgammon board," he stated drolly.

Miss Bennet scowled for a moment and then her face broke into a smile, "Aha, perhaps that is the exception—though my father's board is more mahogany and oak. Let me teach you."

She bit her lip and waited, and he begged her internally not to say anything further, but she did…

"It might serve as a way to connect to your sister, as reading her favourite book did," she said gently. "I found it comforting to do things my grandfather did after he died. It made me feel closer to him."

"Miss Bennet, I do not need to be comforted,"he started, feeling irritation rising to the surfaceto the point wherehewasn'tsure he could contain it much longer.

"That is not what I meant. I only thought it would be lovely to find other ways to keep your sister alive, as you did when you talked to me about her book," she continued, her words tumbling out one over the other.

"Why do you feel the need for this consistent chatter?" he demanded and she paled at once.

"I am only trying to make the most of our situation. Besides, I cannot help but feel that your sister would not want you to be so very withdrawn from the world. It is not good for a person to be alone all the time, and I'd like to help," she said.

There it was.Heknew there had to be something toherchanging behaviour, and nowhesawjustwhat it was. Shepitied him. ElizabethBennet, the woman who had been in danger of being ruined forever, had he not offered to marry her, pitied him. Justlike everybody else who ever set eyes onhim.

Fury erupted within him for he wanted nothing less than to be pitied. He had his pride still, if nothing else.

"Miss Bennet, I do not need you to feel sorry for me, nor do I need you to try to fix my situation. Ibeg of you, stop your quest to make us into something we are not. If you cannot be contented with the arrangement that has been made, you are welcome to leave. Butif you choose to stay here and marry me, you must accept my decisions. I do not long for company, in fact, I despise it. Iwish to be left alone now, if you will excuse me."

With that, he turned and made his way out of the door. However, hedidn'tmake it more than a few steps before he had to stop and lean against the wall because his bodywas shakingso much with rage. However, as he stood there, he realised it wasn't just her words and actions that made him angry. It was the situation. For the truth was, he did long for company, he didn't want to be alone. Indeed, in the most secret part of his soul, Darcy had known the truth all along—he had been lonely.

In fact, it was an aching loneliness that had grown more and more with each passing day. He had at times been awkward when conversing with others he did not know well, but with his friends and those he knew well, he'd enjoyed conversing.

Miss Bennet had reminded him of what it had been like to be social, to have friends, to have company. He'd been accustomed to his loneliness now, for it had been his only companion these past two years—but she'd reminded him of what it was like to not be alone. And that, he knew, could be fatal for his wellbeing, because he knew that if he allowed himself to enjoy her company he'd only be hurt in the end. For at the end of the day, he was who he was now. A recluse prone to temperamental outbursts. And that was not the type of man a woman like Elizabeth Bennet could ever be content with.