18. Keaton

@KeatonSinclair posted just now:When you're halfway across the world from your actual heart. #boyfriends #loveislove #Cinderfella #gaydating

"Oh my God, don't make me gag," Kara says, rolling her eyes beside me.

"I bet that's not what you said last night."

She shoves me for my comment, but she doesn't deny it.

I'm not exactly sure what she's doing in Beijing, but since we're in the same city in a foreign country, we had to meet up.

So here we are, tucked away in a small authentic restaurant where they serve real tea and the only way to order is in Mandarin.

"So it's going well? This charade?"

"Of course. It's going exceptionally well. The stock is constantly on the rise."

"Oh, I bet it is," she mumbles behind her teacup before taking a sip. "But what about Keaton?"

I narrow my eyes and wave at her. "He's here. Hello?"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it."

I take my chopsticks and grab a deep-fried shrimp drenched in honey. Before I even get a chance to salivate over my food, let alone put it in my mouth, Kara steals my shrimp and eats it, giving me a hard stare.

"How do you want me to be? I'm fine." She raises an eyebrow, and I huff. "I am. How could I not be? My plan is going well, and I'm catching up on all the sex I haven't had in years."

Finally, Kara swallows and smirks, setting her chopsticks down.

"There you go. Was that so hard?"

It's my turn to raise an eyebrow, and she laughs.

"That was an accidental pun. I swear. But tell me, sweetie, if you're getting all the good sex, why does your face look like you swallowed straight vinegar?"

"It doesn't," I tell her and make another attempt with the shrimp.

Kara opens her purse and takes out a compact mirror, pointing it at my face. I shove it away.

"See? A guy who regularly gets his dick wet shouldn't be so sour. So…what's up, buttercup?"

"Nothing. Everything is fine."

She looks around us, frustration blowing out of her lips, and I relent before she starts shrieking.

"Okay. Okay. Nothing is wrong. Milo is…he's perfect, okay?"

"Oh!" She pulls back and hisses.

"What?"

"You've gone and caught feelings, haven't you?"

"Who? Me?"

I feign ignorance, but I know she's not entirely wrong. Whatever I feel about Milo is not simply professional.

"Oh, honey, please don't tell me you're falling for the escort. That doesn't end well. Like, ever. They're professionals. They can fake having the best orgasm of their lives, and you would be none the wiser. That's why they're…you know…professionals. Don't let their act fool you."

I know she's right. I know she knows what she's talking about, and yet…

"Yeah, it's just…I don't know. Sometimes when we're together, it doesn't feel all that fake."

"You're paying him handsomely to sell the fantasy. That's all he's doing. Please don't go falling for a guy who will forget about you the minute his contract is up. I really don't want to see my older brother get hurt."

I don't want me to get hurt either. The whole point of this arrangement with Milo is to save my company. That's all. I can't ever forget that. I can't allow myself to forget it. But that's easier to do when there's an ocean between us. Because I know—I know—the minute I'm anywhere near his periphery, I'll be singing a whole other tune.

I can't help it. He brings out a part of me I never thought could exist. He makes me experience life in a whole different way. Even if it's just the sex. When you've lived your whole life repressed and hiding your true nature as I have, meeting someone who not only meets you halfway but actually matches you in every way possible…is…life-changing.

Yeah. That's what it is. I'm just…I'm just enjoying exploring my sexuality with someone who may be younger but is definitely more experienced. I'm just letting loose around a guy who is not afraid to take control.

I'm not catching feelings. I'm simply enjoying life's pleasures. Milo's pleasures, if you may.

Yeah. That's what it is. That's all it is.

My phone pings, and I open Instagram to find a new notification.

@Fisheye commented a second ago: Awww. Well, this heart misses its body.

I ignore the flutter in my chest and the strain in my throat. I even ignore the fuzzy feeling that makes my toes curl.

It's not feelings. Just sex. Just sex and a very public affair.

Yeah. That's all.