five

five

the therapist shook my hand at the end of session six this morning. i wish i could see you more

, she said, but unfortunately there are lots of people waiting

. it sounded like she wanted me to feel guilty for all the other people waiting, that i had taken up their space. i wanted to tell her several things before i left, like that beige doesn’t really suit her, that she’s probably more of a true winter – she’d look better in bold colours and blacks and whites. i wanted to tell her that paying to park in sparkbrook every other week was costing my first hour’s pay at work, i wanted to tell her i still hadn’t cried, so she had failed, but i also wanted to thank her for trying. because she did try. she tried her best to fix me. and she only had three hours to do it in. so i decided to honour her efforts and, as penance for not gifting her even a single salty tear, i will finish the six letters that she asked me to write to you. i didn’t pay her anything, after all. i didn’t even like her that much. but i do feel like i owe her something. so here is number five. and just know that i think it’s really rude that you still haven’t replied to any of them yet

dear jake,

i don’t think that eddie knows that marjie is in love with him

it’s blindingly obvious to me

maybe this is why he has never been kissed – because he can’t see the love right in front of him. it’s the way she smiled when i saw them dancing through the shop window, it’s the way she listens when he talks

i went into the shop to help her dress the mannequin in the window for birmingham pride when eddie was on his date with grace

‘you love him, don’t you?’ i asked as we pulled on the rainbow sequin leggings

‘yes,’ she said quickly, immediately, seeming relieved to have been able to tell someone. ‘but i’m working on it’

‘you’re going to tell him?’ i asked

‘oh god, no,’ marjie said

‘then what are you going to do?’ i asked her

‘i’m going to get over him,’ she said. ‘i’m online dating’

‘are you sure?’ i asked

‘if it was going to happen, it would have happened. i got my hair cut a few months ago. i’m ready to move on,’ she said, and she didn’t seem sad at all

‘good for you,’ i told her

‘i don’t think he’s noticed,’ she said, and then a look of concern clouded her face. ‘hold on, has he?’ she asked

‘oh, he’s completely oblivious’

she laughed. ‘i thought so. i prefer it that way,’ she said. ‘i won’t make a fool of myself’

‘and you never thought about telling him?’ i asked

‘god no,’ she said. ‘it’s been twelve years. if he was even

considering thinking of me in a romantic way, it would have happened by now. i can’t bear the thought of being let down gently’

we went out to the front of the shop to look at her, our rainbow-clad mannequin – jazzy pants, i think i will name her. over her pastel pink tie-dye t-shirt she’s wearing a pair of butterfly wings that marjie found in the children’s toy section and a pair of very convincing fake Ray-Bans. if only there was some way to get paid for dressing the shop window for the rest of my life

‘you are such a talent,’ marjie said. she says lots of nice things like that to try to make me feel good about myself. you can tell she’s a mum. and a good one, too

we went back inside and marjie flicked the kettle on

‘how is online dating going?’ i asked her

‘pretty well,’ she said with a little smile

‘oh yeah?’ i spotted the mouse trap board game in the corner of the game section. the sticker says it’s missing its boot piece, but how important can that be?

‘you fancy a drink?’ marjie asked

‘i’ll take anything,’ i called back, except that beef thing

she laughed. ‘peppermint okay?’

‘as long as it’s not hot beef’

she rattled through the curtains with a tray with our mugs and a plate of biscuits on. i think it had been a slow saturday

‘so the online dating?’ i asked her

‘i met someone actually,’ she said. ‘we’re going on a … we are meeting in person next week.’ and she opened her phone and after a lot of swiping showed me a photograph of a true silver fox

‘fuck me,’ i said, ‘he’s handsome. very vulpine’

‘i know,’ marjie said worriedly. ‘i hope it’s not one of those scams where i turn up and they steal my debit card’

i scrolled through the photos

he looks pretty real. there are a lot of photos of him in smart winter coats in nice locations, one in a christmas jumper, one with a golden retriever and one of him holding what looks like a beef pie. he might just be her soulmate

‘i can be your wingman if you want,’ i told her. ‘i’ll go with you to wherever the date is and if he turns up, i’ll leave, and if he doesn’t turn up, or it’s a bunch of thieves stacked on top of each other in a trench coat, we can tell them to get fucked and go and get cocktails’

‘you’re a star,’ she said

and i liked that but then i told her we had to talk about something other than men because this conversation would not have passed the bechdel test, and once i’d finished explaining the bechdel test to her, we concluded that discussing the bechdel test would probably allow us to pass the bechdel test

i don’t know why i told you all of that

but it was a nice day, you know?

all things considered

today has been okay

bells x