The List

The List

June 1966

University of Birmingham

B RIDIE

B ENNETT IS

compiling the list of lecturers and students who will be attending the twelfth annual Literature and Linguistics Association conference in Cagliari. She sees his name, written on the sign-up sheet in small block capitals. EDDIE WINSTON

.

She is embarrassed for herself at how her stomach flies upon seeing it.

Alistair often asks her if she wants to go to the summer conferences. They are always in sunnier climes so that the academic staff can pretend that they are on holiday in between papers and plenaries. Whenever he invites her, Alistair adds, ‘Of course, you won’t understand any of it,’ just to underline how much he doesn’t really want her to go. There is a lot of drinking at these things. And there are a lot of secretaries and young female academics in attendance. She has no desire to be his millstone.

While Alistair is away, Bridie will declutter the house, organize her half of the wardrobe, attend Wednesday and

Sunday Mass and keep herself busy. And at night, with a book balanced on her lap, she will eat. Biscuits usually, one after the other, not even enjoying them, just working like a machine, replacing one with another in her mouth over and over until the packet is empty and she is so ashamed that she wraps the packet in loo roll and stuffs it to the bottom of the bin. Then she will buy another packet the next day, from a different shop, so that the shopkeeper will not know this is her second packet of Bourbons in as many days. And all the while, she will urge herself not to think about what exactly Alistair is doing at that very moment. Who is being touched by him. Who is laughing at his jokes. Who is smelling his consuming, expensive aftershave.

But this time is different.

She takes out her pen and beneath Eddie’s name, she writes as neatly as she can:

Bridie B

.