two

two

dear jake

today the therapist said that she would strongly encourage

me to write you another letter

‘he hasn’t replied to the first one yet,’ i said, and this really made me laugh. i couldn’t stop. it seemed so silly and hilarious, and every time i tried to get myself together and stop laughing, the thought of me waiting by the door for your reply would set me off again

the therapist didn’t seem to think it was so funny

maybe she thinks i’m going mad

maybe i am

going mad

but it is

funny. it is also stupid to be writing you letters, it’s not like you can reply. and i’m not surprising myself when i write things like, i really fucking miss you. i already knew that

she asked me about my ‘support network’ and i told her i have a group of best friends who are rallying around me. she can’t be that good of a therapist because she believed me. that’s fantastic

, she said, and how do you feel when you’re

with them?

and i imagined what it would be like to have friends and i told her that it made me feel safe. i hope i can remember their imaginary names next week

she said it is good to have friends to support us

i should have told her that you were my only friend and we’ve been having a hard time keeping in touch on account of your recent death

eddie is the only person i can stand to be around right now

you’d like eddie. he’s a kook. he’s also, i think, only looking for his first kiss to distract me. but there’s a little something in there too. a little hope. he must have been lonely for so long

he hasn’t told me yet

but i think he lost someone too and he never got over her. that will be me in 66 years – still dreaming of this boy i loved when i was young

i got an email on wednesday from the oxford alumni department asking me to fill in a questionnaire about my post-graduation ‘destination’. i wrote back, i work in a sainsbury’s metro and my boyfriend is dead

i wonder who will read it. i can’t be the only oxford graduate working in a sainsbury’s, but the others are probably working in marketing or corporate or legal

i had to click a box saying how much i was earning

there wasn’t a box for how little i earn

but i got a free book at work the other day when someone left it on the self-serve till before they ran for their train, so there’s that to include in my portfolio. i couldn’t see a box

for that either so in the ‘future plans’ section, i wrote read the book

i love you

bells