Chapter Twenty-Nine

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Easton

I can’t stop folding butterflies. There are hundreds of them around me, on the ground, in the dirt, flying away when the cool wind blows.

It’s a lot colder than it was yesterday. How was that really just yesterday? It was warm and perfect. Archer was warm and perfect. He always is.

When I hear footsteps crunching on leaves, I know it’s him. I don’t even look up, just continue to sit there in the dirt. “She won’t talk to me anymore, Arch.”

He walks over, kneels beside me, finger beneath my chin and angling my head so I look at him. “Dusty, Rhett, and Morgan are with me. Is that okay? They were worried about you too. They love you too.”

I can’t explain it, but some of the weight in my chest eased when I saw Archer, and now even more that I know they’re here. I’m not alone. They’re here with me, just like Ella has been trying to get to happen for years. She’s always trying to get me to talk to them, to open up to them, but I never believed it’s what they wanted. Maybe I was wrong.

I nod, the silent answer the only one I can give before Archer sits down beside me, pulling me into his arms, between his legs, and holding me so damn tight, I can hardly breathe.

“She won’t talk to me anymore…she doesn’t think I need her anymore, but I do. Or at least, I want to. I don’t know how to be me without her. I promised her I would always need her.” But now I need Archer too. There are so many things I need, so many things I want.

“She’s with you, sweetheart. She’s always with you.”

Those words bring me comfort. Even though in my head I always knew that’s true, my heart has a hard time believing it. “That’s what she said last time. The night you all came over.” I look up at my three brothers, standing a good distance away from us, giving Archer and me space.

They’re here, and that matters. It means something. They’re my brothers even if we don’t know how to be good at it yet. They wouldn’t be here if they didn’t love me like Archer said.

“Maybe…maybe that’s what she wanted. To help us find our way to each other,” Morgan offers tentatively.

The truth sends fear that I’ve lost her crawling up my spine. It’s what she wanted, and it’s what I want too, but… “I don’t want her to leave. I miss her.” I’m too broken down to be embarrassed by my words, too raw and cut open, and maybe I need that, need to show them all the pieces of me for all of us to heal.

“We miss her too,” Rhett replies. “And we haven’t been very good brothers to you. She was your twin. We should have taken better care of you, supported you more.”

I shake my head. They did their best. We were all just fucking kids, and…do I even deserve them? I try to shake that negative thought out of my head, but it’s hard. Would they be here if they knew the truth? “It was my fault. I told her where to hide. It was my fault,” I repeat. Tears blur my vision. Archer’s hold on me tightens, his lips pressing to my temple, soft words of comfort falling out.

Even though I hate what I said, a weight drops off my chest. I’ve been carrying that for so long, afraid of what would happen if they knew.

Rhett curses. “East…it’s not your fault. You were a kid. It was an accident.”

“You think it’s your fault?” Morgan asks. “It’s not. You were nine. I was the adult. I should have been watching you. I was sitting in my room, angry at the world, not coming down to look for you two while she was dying.”

My gaze snaps to him. I wipe my eyes so I can see him. Dusty’s arm is around him. Archer is holding me. Rhett is watching both of us, and then he says, “I should have been there.”

It hits me then, how the three of us have all been blaming ourselves for that day, holding that self-hatred in. They’ve been blaming themselves, and I have never once blamed Rhett or Morgan because it wasn’t their fault, but maybe if it’s not their fault, it wasn’t mine either.

Just then, a gust of wind whooshes through the trees, picking up the paper butterflies, making them fly around us. They flutter, soar in this way that feels impossible, but it’s real. It’s real and beautiful, Ella’s butterflies twisting and fluttering. No one speaks, we just watch, and for the first time in my life, there’s a calmness inside me.

When the wind settles and they fall to the ground again, Archer says, “I think she wants you all to know it’s not your fault.”

The thing is, I think he’s right. Ella loves us. She wants more for us. She’s been trying to help get me to a place where I can heal, and it’s time I do it. “I need help,” I admit. Those three words hold so much power that I feel a little stronger having said them.

“Maybe we all do,” Morgan replies, his voice broken.

When I look at him, Morgan’s face is streaked with tears. Rhett’s eyes are glistening, but he can’t let go enough to set them free. He’s trapped the way all of us have been, but one by one, we’re finding our way out.

Archer nuzzles into me, fortifying with his embrace the strength I’m finding in myself. “I’ll be right there with you the whole time. I’m not going anywhere. I love you so fucking much, sweetheart.”

There’s not a doubt in my mind, at least not in this moment. Archer isn’t going anywhere, and my brothers aren’t either. “I love you too.” And now I need to work on loving myself as well.

Rhett clears his throat. “We’ll give you two some space. I…” His words trail off before he adds, “I love you, East…and, Morgan…you too,” before he turns and walks away, alone…the way Rhett always is.

Morgan looks momentarily stunned before saying, “I love you both too,” but I doubt Rhett hears him, and then he and Dusty follow behind Rhett.

“You scared me, East. I know you’re used to doing everything alone, but you don’t have to do that anymore. It’s okay if you need to, but I’m always here for you. Tell me you know that.”

“I do. I just…I had to try and talk to her. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. I don’t want to lose her.”

“You won’t. You’ll never lose her. She’s a part of you and always will be.”

“I’m here, East. No matter what, I’m always here. And I’m proud of you, happy for you. I love you.” Those words were the last she said to me that day Morgan, Rhett, and Dusty came over. She was telling me goodbye, letting me know that even if she doesn’t respond, she’s always there. She just wants me to live, and for the first time in my life, I want that too.

“Will you help me? I think I need to find a treatment center to go to for a little while.”

“Yeah, of course. Whatever you need, and when you come back, Pretty Girl, Casanova, and I will be waiting for you.”

I give him a truth he’s helped me learn, at least when it comes to him. “I know.” Archer loves me, and I love him. We’re going to make this work, together.