Chapter Twenty-Three

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Easton

“E lla? Ella?” I say my sister’s name into the room. Is it a room? I don’t think so… I think it’s my head. Like somehow, I’m inside my brain, all these doors around me, and I can’t find Ella.

I run to the first and pull it open. “El?” I shout into the empty space, but she’s not there. My heart stops. My stomach cramps. Door after door after door, each room is empty. No matter how many times I say her name, she doesn’t answer.

There’s a flash, a blinding light, and suddenly, I’m not adult me anymore. I’m nine years old and begging Morgan to play hide-and-seek with us.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“Please? We’re bored. There’s no one to play with.”

“Because of course, Rhett isn’t here,” Morgan says. Dad and Rhett are always off doing something. Dad is super excited that Rhett is going to Harvard like him, and that means Morgan will have to stay because of me and Ella. I could take care of us if they’d let me. That way Morgan wouldn’t have to. “Never mind. It’s fine.”

“Shit,” he curses. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. Yeah, fine. I’ll play with you.”

I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to, but Ella says, “Yay!”

“I’m gonna count from here. Go hide,” Morgan says.

I take Ella’s hand, the two of us running for the stairs. I’m so lucky to have her. Rhett and Morgan fight so much, but not me and Ella. We’re the same in almost everything. She’s my other half, like it would be impossible to be an East without an Ella. When I get sad about how Dad is mean to me or doesn’t talk to me, it’s Ella who always makes me feel better.

“I don’t know where to hide,” Ella says as soon as we get downstairs. I want to find the best spot for her. I like it when she wins things. It makes me feel good.

“Ooh! I know. You can lie down in the boat tied to the dock. Morgan will never think to look there!”

She beams at me, blue eyes just like mine. “Okay!”

I run out to our dock on Birchbark Lake. It’s right behind our house. We’ve spent our whole lives in the water here.

I hold El’s hand while she gets inside, then wait while she lies down. “Thanks, East. You’re the best. I love you.”

“I love you too.” More than anything. More than myself. I know the stories, how much Mom wanted her. She’d always wanted a daughter, and though El didn’t get to know her either, somehow having my sister feels like having a part of Mom.

I run to the boathouse and hide inside. I wait to hear Morgan come looking. We always hide here, so I know he’ll find me, but he doesn’t come. Why isn’t he coming?

It feels like an eternity, and I wait, ready for him to find me and then be impressed with Ella’s hiding spot.

Minute after minute goes by…too many. No way Morgan wouldn’t have found me yet.

I take one step toward the door, and suddenly black flashes in my vision. My stomach seizes, and my chest feels tight, too tight. I suck in a sharp breath, but I can’t get air into my lungs. Why can’t I breathe?

I stumble and fall, trying and failing to pull air into my lugs. My vision swims, stomach heaving like I’m going to throw up…

Ella.

No, no, no, no. I push to my feet, stumble again. I’m dizzy, keep almost falling off my feet as I look out at the water.

The boat is tipped over, and in that second, my heart breaks. Stops beating, and I know, feel the loss of myself as it happens, as I break apart, all the important parts of me drifting away onto the wind.

“Ella!” I scream and run toward the water, just as Morgan comes bolting out of the house.

“Easton! What’s wrong? Where’s Ella?”

Gone. She’s gone.

I’m gone.

Who am I without her?

“Ella! No!” I run and jump into the water, black all around me as I try to find her. Ella! Where are you? Please don’t go! Not without me! I say over and over in my head.

There’s a splash, and I know it’s Morgan. He tries to grab me, but I fight him off, my brother pulling me to the surface.

“Stop fighting me!” he shouts.

“Ella! Ella! Ella!” I try and jerk out of Morgan’s hold, try to get away from him and find her.

There is no me without her. Where is she? Who am I?

What have I done?

“Stop. I’ll get her, East. I promise you, I’ll get her.”

And then…nothing. It’s like everything inside me shuts off. Somehow, I’m on the dock. I don’t know how Morgan did that.

Flash.

She’s there, lying on the dock. Not breathing. Not speaking.

I wrap my arms around her. “Ella! Wake up. Don’t go. Please don’t go. Not without me.”

Morgan pushes me out of the way and does chest compressions. “Go call 911!”

I can’t move. Can’t leave her.

“Easton! Go now!”

I run into the house, tears streaming down my face, soul gone. I call, then go back to Ella. Morgan is still trying to get her heart to start, trying to help her breathe while he’s crying.

It doesn’t work. The EMTs try to take her, but I cling to her, whispering in my head over and over that I’ll never, ever let her go. They try to ask me questions, but I can’t speak. A nice woman tries to hug me, tells me it will be okay, but it will never be okay again.

I’ll never let her go, I vow silently to myself.

“East! Wake up. Sweetheart, you’re having a nightmare.”

My eyes jerk open. My face is wet, chest heaving, stomach clenched so tight it hurts….and Archer is there, panic and worry and…he’d told me earlier he loved me. I should have said it back. I should have acknowledged it, but I was scared. He’s here, always here, clinging to me, afraid for me, there for me.

And all I can do is burst into tears. He pulls me into his arms, lies back with me tucked into his embrace. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, East. I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”

I hold on to him too, grab him and don’t want to let go, the same way I hadn’t with Ella that day. He’s the first person since her I’ve held and known that I can’t let go of.

“I’m here. I love you. I’ve got you.”

He talks to me while I cry, while without words I spill a lifetime of pain onto his chest with my tears. Time passes. Maybe thirty minutes or thirty hours, but Archer doesn’t ever loosen his hold, doesn’t ever stop showing me he’s there for me, until eventually there’s no more tears left in me.

“It was my fault. Ella…it was my fault she died.”

“You were a kid, East. It was an accident. That’s not your fault.”

“I told her where to hide,” I admit, so damn ashamed. “I walked her over, helped her in. Left her.”

He tilts my head so I look at him, Archer on his back and me half on my side and chest. “It still wasn’t your fault. It’s the worst thing that could have happened to you, but it was an accident. Maybe she would have decided to hide there anyway, or maybe if she hadn’t, something bad would have happened another way. It sucks, but that’s life sometimes. That doesn’t mean it was your fault. It was a tragedy, and I hate that you experienced it, but you can’t punish yourself for an accident.”

“It should have been me.”

He stiffens beneath me. “No. Don’t say that.”

“Everyone knows it should have been me. My own father says it. He’s told me more than once. I’m a disgrace. I’m fucked up. Hell, if you ask him, I’m not even a Swift anymore. He said so himself. He blames me for Mom and for Ella. All I do is drag people down, and if you were smart, you’d get the fuck away from me before I drag you down too!”

I try to pull away again, but Archer doesn’t let go of me, just keeps proving that no matter what, he’ll always be there. I don’t have it in me to put up much of a fight, so I just melt against him, let myself have this, even though I’m still unsure how to deserve it.

“Does your dad… Has he really said those things to you?”

“I told you he hates me, Arch. He’s always hated me. He loves Rhett because Rhett did everything in his power to be just like him, to make him happy. He loves Morgan because he’s smart and accomplished and maybe because of how much Mom loved Morgan. Rhett used to tell me how close they were. He loved Ella because she was the baby girl Mom always wanted, the dream child. I was the extra, and I’ve never been what he wanted. The fact that he didn’t care about me at all turned to hate after Ella.”

Archer’s hold on me tightens, his body vibrating like he can hardly contain himself.

“Fuck Gregory for saying those things to you. Something is wrong with him , East. Not you. Christ, I want to fucking kill him for making you feel that way.” He breathes in and out for a moment, as if trying to get himself under control. “Look at me,” he commands. When I don’t, he says, “Look at me,” again, his voice too hurt for me to deny him.

“I told you already tonight, but I’m going to keep saying it again and again. I love you. I’m in love with you, and it’s because of your heart, because of who you are. You’re good to Meadow. You take in animals others throw away. You love those dogs with your whole damn heart. You try to bring Rhett and Morgan together. You love your sister so fucking much, and she knew it. She loved you too. If Gregory doesn’t see how fucking incredible you are, that’s on him. Not you.”

I want to believe him so much, and part of me does—that’s the magic of who Archer is. “What if you’re wrong?”

“I’m not. I know I’m not.”

I bury my face into his neck, breathe him in, try to find that part of me that wants to be more like him. “The thing with your cousin…with Travis. That wasn’t your fault either.”

He sighs. “No, it wasn’t. And I get it, that it’s hard to feel pain about something without taking the guilt too. Ella was an accident, and Travis made his choices. Maybe we could work on forgiving ourselves together.”

I like the sound of that.

“Together.”