Chapter Fifteen

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Easton

U nfortunately, Dusty’s Jeep and Morgan’s new truck are in the parking lot of the bar when we pull in. I can’t pretend I wasn’t hoping they wouldn’t be there. I’m not proud of that fact, but it’s a fact nonetheless.

Archer parks by Dusty’s Jeep and thankfully doesn’t coddle me by asking if I’m sure or anything like that. As soon as we approach the door, I hear pounding from inside.

Archer peeks in. “Dust?” he calls out, and the noise stops. Archer holds the door open for me, and we go inside. “We were out for a drive, saw your vehicles here, and thought we’d stop by,” Archer tells the two men standing side by side and staring at us like we’re fucking aliens.

“Something interesting?” I ask.

“Maybe they’re struck dumb by our beauty,” Archer adds.

My heart is beating too fast. I feel dissected, like they’re trying to figure us out, and like if they do, I’ll lose it. I do my best not to let that show, try to steady my breathing and will my heart to slow. “I mean, mine I can see, but I’m not sure you’re on the same level.”

What I don’t expect is Archer’s, “I can see that.”

My surprise must be clear on my face because it snaps Morgan and Dusty out of their trance, making them laugh.

I guess it’s one thing to see me and Archer together after I fuck up, but something else entirely if we’re just hanging out. “I got into trouble again. Archer to the rescue.”

“No, he didn’t. He’s being a brat,” Archer tells them.

“I didn’t think you did something wrong,” Morgan says. “I’m just…glad you’re here. What do you think?” Morgan puts his hands out toward the room. I take it all in, which at the moment doesn’t look like anything except a gutted bar.

“Empty,” I reply.

Morgan chuckles, taking it in stride. “Do you want to see the plans? What it’s going to look like when we’re done?”

There’s a giddy excitement in my brother’s voice that I’ve never heard from him before. It makes me see how passionate Morgan is about this bar, how much he wants it and how much heart he’s going to put into this place.

“Um…yeah. Sure.”

“Come here.” Morgan leads me over to where they have a table set up. I’m not surprised when Dusty rambles off some lie about having to show Archer something. “They think they’re slick,” Morgan teases while I try to ignore the part of me that wants to pull Archer with me.

It’s nothing against my brother. I just don’t know how to be the brother I should be to him, don’t know how I deserve to when I killed our sister. But then, I also have no business depending on Archer that way. I’m already doing it way too much, giving him too many pieces of me, and it’s going to fuck me up even more when this ends.

The plans for the bar are laid out on the table. It’ll be organized differently than it had been before, the counter longer, and a corner with a stage.

“Are you gonna have live music?”

“I’m hoping to. I’m not sure how many gigs we can get here, but maybe on the weekends, or at least one or two weekends a month. I also want to eventually expand the menu. Want a dance floor, but more tables too for different options. There was so much wasted space that just by reorganizing how it’s all set up, there’s a lot more we can do with it.”

Morgan spends time pointing everything out to me, telling me every single plan he has, as if my opinion matters.

It’s gonna be great, El.

I know. Feels like lots of things are falling into place.

“What do you think?” Morgan asks.

“I think this is what you were supposed to do…that you’re gonna make this the best bar in the UP.” I look away because it’s easier than facing him.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me. And like I said before, if you ever want to help with the work…”

“I can do that sometime.”

“Archer too, if the two of you are…”

“Friends,” I fill in for him. I’ve had acquaintances, people I’ve spent time with, but have I ever told someone that another person was my friend? I’ve never felt like I really had one, other than Ella.

“He’s a good one to have,” Morgan says as we’re joined by the other two men, who must be done giving us our moment.

“Morgan is trying to put us to work,” I tell Archer.

“I’m okay with that.” His response isn’t a surprise. “You gonna have Cass help?”

“I’m planning on it. I’ve talked to him about it a little bit. I’ve even tried to get ahold of Rhett, but he’s still not interested in talking to me.” Morgan reaches over and takes Dusty’s hand as if he’s drawing support from him.

My gaze holds on where they’re touching, making me think about how Archer playfully asked to do the same with me earlier today. How is it so easy for Morgan to give himself to Dusty, when so many of my traumas are ones we share? What is it about me that just doesn’t know how to do the things everyone else does?

It’s not your fault, East…it’s because you won’t let go of me, and because we were never taught how.

Ella’s right in some ways. Morgan and Rhett had Mom to learn from, Mom to love them. And though I know how much my brothers gave up for me, it’s because they didn’t have a choice. They did it because my father wanted nothing to do with me.

“Gregory’s been calling him,” I admit. “He said he’s not answering.”

“You saw him?” The hurt in Morgan’s voice cuts deep. Damn it. Why hadn’t I thought about that before I’d spoken?

Why did Rhett see me and not Morgan?

“Just because he was afraid I’d done something wrong again.”

Morgan sighs and doesn’t question my response.

“Gregory was calling Morgan too. We blocked his number,” Dusty says, and I’m not surprised that the only person he’s not calling is me. He never cared and never will. He told me I’m not a Swift anymore, but the thing is, I don’t think he ever saw me as one.

“If it’s for me, neither you nor Rhett have to do that.”

“It’s for us,” Morgan says. “All of us. He’s like a disease that has been eating away at our relationship, at our lives, for too long.”

My gaze finds Archer, who’s watching me. Most of the shit with Gregory, he’s unfamiliar with, but he’s getting an idea of how fucked up my family is. Will that be the thing that makes him run? He’s not used to that. His family are close, he’s said so himself.

“We should go. I need to check on the dogs,” I say.

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks for coming, East. Maybe the four of us can hang out sometime. You also need to have me over for dinner soon, otherwise I’ll just show up again,” my brother teases.

“He’s a good cook.” Archer grins like he’s proud to pump me up to Morgan and Dusty, but all he just did was let them know I’ve cooked for him, something I’ve done a few times since we started fucking. It’s showing them more ways in which my life and Archer’s have become entwined.

“Why is it that both Morgan and Archer have tasted your food, and I haven’t?” Dusty asks.

“Because they’re annoying and stalk me more than you do.”

They all laugh at my response.

And of course Ella pipes up then. You should do it, have Morgan and Dusty over. Dusty’s been good to you. He cares about you and trusts you.

She’s right, he does. Hell, Dusty had been willing to let me run his business if he moved to California with Morgan.

“We can do that sometime…have you both over. Casanova needs to get to know you both anyway. Plus, Pretty Girl loves Morgan for some reason.” It’s easier to use my dogs as an excuse, though I’m not dumb enough to think they don’t see what I’m doing.

Archer’s hand comes down on my shoulder. He gives a gentle squeeze, then slides it to my nape and lets it rest there. I should move it, step away, but I don’t.

Morgan watches Archer holding on to me, but Dusty does a better job at pretending to ignore it. “I’d like that.”

My skin is itchy because I’m ready to get out of there.

“See you guys later,” Archer tells them, and we head for the door. Once we’re in the car, he says, “I’m proud of you.”

Thank you. “It’s sad, though, isn’t it? That you’re proud of me for something like that?”

“I think it’s sad that there have been things in your life that have beat you down so much, even making an invitation to dinner is difficult. I’m sad for everything you’ve lost and that there’s a whole lot more going on than most people realize. You and your brothers are carrying around more trauma than anyone sees. It’s sad that I didn’t know sooner because I would have done everything in my fucking power to help make it better for you, East.”

I nod, look out the window. “Can we go?”

“Yeah. Of course we can.”

I watch the scenery pass by. The weather will start cooling off even more soon, and before we know it, we’ll be buried in snow. “I like the snow,” I say.

“Yeah? I don’t mind it. Makes everything beautiful. Just cold as fuck.”

“Ella loved it. We used to have snowball fights, and I’d always let her win. I let her win everything, have everything, because it felt good to make her happy.”

Archer’s warm, strong hand lands on my thigh. “You’re a good brother. She knew that.”

But I wasn’t. Not really.

Tell him something, East. You can trust him. Ella’s voice is soft in my head.

“Morgan and Rhett practically raised me and Ella. Gregory has always hated me.”

“I’m sure he didn’t—”

“He did, but that’s not what this is about. I just thought I should give you something, want to give you something. Rhett and Morgan never got along, at least not that I remember. Rhett got to go to college, but Morgan had to stay local to take care of me and El…and then just me… Morgan hated Rhett, hated Gregory. He maybe hated the whole damn world except for Dusty James. One night, after Rhett returned and before Morgan left for California, Dusty and Rhett kissed. It was dumb. I think Rhett did it because he was hurting and jealous of Morgan, and Dusty did it because he loved Morgan and was losing him, but Morgan saw them, and that anger has festered ever since. Morgan is trying to get past it now, but for whatever reason, Rhett can’t.”

“Jesus. What a mess. You know that none of that is your fault, right? Your brothers taking care of you, or the anger they have for each other.”

I shrug because truth doesn’t have much to do with fault. A lot of fault is really in how someone feels. “Just wanted to explain a little, is all.”

“I…okay. Thank you for telling me. And I’m not sure if this is the right time to say this, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m keeping something from you… Me and Dusty, we’ve slept together before.”

My head whips in his direction, pressure landing in my chest, growing by the second. I shouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter. Archer isn’t mine, but…

Like he knows, reading me the way he always does, Archer pulls off to the side of the road. “It wasn’t like it is with us, sweetheart. We were simply scratching an itch, for lack of a better term.”

“And what are we doing?”

“I don’t know, but it’s more.” He cups my cheek the way he so often does. “You’re more.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t waste that on me.”

“It’s not a waste, and there’s no stopping it. But I’m not pushing you either. We can go back to not talking about it now if you want. I just needed to make sure you understand that.”

I nuzzle my face into his hand, then nod. Not talking about it is a whole lot easier than telling Archer I’m scared I’m going to fall for him, but that I’ll do it wrong and ruin everything.

We’re quiet the rest of the way home. He’s got me all up in my feels the way Archer does so easily. “I need you to…”

“Yeah, I will. I want it too,” he replies without me needing to finish my sentence.

We give the dogs some attention, and then Archer follows me upstairs.

“Shower,” he says, and I listen. Once we’re inside, his mouth finds mine, his arms tight around me.

One moment we’re under the spray, getting cleaned up, and the next we’re dried off and in bed, Archer slicking up his fingers before slipping one, then two between my cheeks, then deep in my ass. Like always, I melt against him, feel like I’m floating above everything else while also feeling weighed down.

“Sometimes it’s like there’s too much going on inside me. I think too much and feel too much. I can’t control it, and I feel like I’m gonna lose myself, but this…this helps.”

He slides his fingers in, then out, reminding me he’s there, making that emptiness retreat.

“It does something for me too…giving you this…”

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

His eyes on mine, mine on his.

Please don’t let me ruin this.