Chapter 19

It took a lot out of me not to roll off Nebraska, get dressed, find my phone, and call that asshole who raised her so I could warn him I was going to kick him the balls the first chance I got.

With all of my concentration being used up tamping down my desire to kick Charlie's ass, I didn't have enough left in me to guard my response.

"Are you fuckin' shitting me?"

Nebraska jerked.

I understood her reaction. It was just that I didn't give the first fuck.

"Tell me you're shitting me," I demanded when she didn't answer. "My dick's still wet with you and already you're retreating."

"Retreating?"

"Honest to God, you think I'd still be where I am right now after fucking you, or say, fuck you at all if I thought about whatever fucked-up shit that's in your head right now."

Her face twisted in a way that told me she was going to spew more bullshit so I got back in there before she could piss me off.

"I already told you what kind of woman you are. Gorgeous. That was what I was asking. How in the hell with how you look, how you carry yourself, your sharp-ass tongue and attitude, have you not been laid in six years? I know it's not because of lack of interest; again, you're fucking beautiful. So explain to me, Nebraska, why?"

Total shut down.

"Oh no, you don't get to retreat, not after that. Not after you gave me that gift. It's mine, baby, and I'm keeping it."

"Get. Off. Me."

"I will as soon as you explain."

"When a woman tells you to get off, you get off."

I didn't think now would be the best time for a joke, so I kept my quip to myself.

"I would if I thought for one second that's what you really wanted."

Her right eye twitched.

Oh yeah. She was pissed.

"So now you're telling me what I want."

"Yep."

"You're very wrong, Easton."

I was very right and I knew it.

"You're shit scared. I terrify you."

"I'm—"

"Terrified," I repeated. "I know why you haven't had a man in your bed for six years; because you do everything in your power not to feel what you just felt. You hide behind your walls. You keep separate and live lonely. You're scared to feel anything. You're doing it now. Whether you purposely misunderstood me or did it subconsciously out of self-preservation, I don't know. I also don't care. Either of those reasons are whacked and I'm not letting that shit slide."

"Are you for real?" she spat.

"Yep. And I'm right." She opened her mouth but I talked over her. "Swear to fuck, baby, you call me a dick, you'll be on your hands and knees taking my dick while I smack your ass."

She clamped her mouth shut.

Christ, she was a pain in the ass.

"Listen closely, baby. I don't know who twisted this shit up in your head, though I can guess. Not everyone is out to fuck you over. Not everyone is out to play you or lie. I get why you'd think that. I get why you'd slide straight to thinking the worst. But hear this, I ain't them."

I felt her body get stiff but I was more interested in the way her eyes flared, the way they changed from glaring to staring.

"Now that we got that straight, tell me, baby. You got birth control covered?"

She nodded.

Her confirmation was a relief. Just not as big of one as it should've been.

"Your dinner's fucked. I'm gonna toss it and make you a new one." She started to shake her head but I didn't give her a chance to argue. "Then we're gonna shower and I'm gonna fuck you again before we get some shuteye. Flight leaves at oh-dark-hundred."

Still shaking her head she said, "I don't care that it's cold, don't make a new one."

"Baby, cold grilled cheese sucks. You gotta eat it when the cheese is still melty. Not to mention it'll be soggy."

"I don't care."

"Well I do."

"It's not cool to waste food, Easton," she asserted.

No eye twitch, but a snappy tone.

She wasn't pissed but she was determined. Nebraska didn't give a shit about wasting food, or on a whole she probably did; no one with common decency liked to waste food. But this wasn't about food insecurity or world hunger. It was way bigger than that.

You made me a sandwich?

Never…

She hadn't finished what had never happened but I would bet my savings account it had to do with Charlie.

"I get you, Nebraska, but I'm not a fan of you eating a cold, soggy sandwich. So I'll eat that one and make you a new one."

She looked like she wanted to argue but she couldn't without giving away more than she wanted to give.

She wanted to eat that cold sandwich because for some reason it meant something to her. But she wasn't prepared to explain why.

"Fine," she ungraciously gave in.

Total pain in the ass.

"Now kiss me before I roll out."

A startled expression washed over her features.

It was cute as fuck. It was also something I never wanted to see again.

"I don't think—"

"How about for the next twenty-four hours you stop thinking and start feeling? Turn this off." I tapped the side of her head, slid my hand down to her neck, across her throat, shifted to the side so I could reach her chest, and flattened my palm over her heart. "And let this do its thing."

I knew she got me when her heels dug into my calves and her hands still on my chest trembled.

"That's not smart, Easton," she whispered.

"Maybe not but that's what I'm asking you to do. One day. Give it one day. If you don't like what you feel, if you don't like what I'm giving, if you can't hack it, I'll find another way."

More fear when she asked, "Find another way?"

"To make you trust me. To prove to you I can keep you safe while we see if there's something here worth exploring. To show you what it's like to have someone give a shit if you've eaten dinner, where you're going, if you'll be safe doing it, and taking your back in a real way if you won't be."

In the short time I'd known Nebraska, I'd seen her take more than her fair share of hits. Life-altering hits that shook the foundation of everything she thought she knew. I'd seen her in pain, devastated, breaking down, dragging herself back together. I'd held her while she cried. I'd heard her moan sweet, I'd tasted her, I'd fucked her. We'd exchanged barbs and argued. I'd seen her scared and I'd thought I'd seen her terrified.

I had not. Not when the stark panic now marring her beautiful was true terror.

"But what if I like it, then what?" she whispered so quietly I had to strain to hear her.

That was the most honest, real question she'd ever asked me.

"Then we see where this goes."

"Then what?"

Fucking hell. She was killing me.

"I'm not trackin', baby."

"What if I like it, then we see where this goes, and you find out you don't like it and leave. Then what?"

I wasn't going to kick Charlie in the balls. I was going to shoot him.

Nebraska would handle the fucker Maddon, and her mother was up for grabs. I wasn't fond of taking out women—neither were any of the men I worked with. Layla had no such qualms and Jasmin would be thrilled at the opportunity to get out of the office and take care of business. Not even a month ago I heard her bitching that the only action Penelope got these days was at the firing range. Yes, Jas named her sidearm Penelope. I thought it was goofy as fuck until I joined her at the range and saw firsthand how close Jas and Penelope were. She'd be thrilled to give Penelope some field time.

"The only honest answer I can give you is, I can't predict the future any more than you can. What I can promise is, you're safe with me. However this works I'll go gentle, you got my word on that. Here's more honesty for you. I don't care that you're beautiful, I don't care that smart mouth of yours turns me on, I don't care that from the moment I saw you I wanted you right where you are—naked under me. If I didn't know this was something I wanted to explore in a real, lasting way, what just happened never would've happened. I didn't fuck you to get off, baby. I've admitted I can be a dick, but I'm not a morally bankrupt asshole who would take advantage of a woman. Not any woman, but especially not you. And I think I've proved that, but it bears repeating—I won't ever use you. Not your body, not your heart, not in any way. All I'm asking for is one day. Let's see how that goes, if you like what you're getting we'll take another day. One day at a time, Nebraska."

She still didn't look convinced.

And with the damage the assholes in her life inflicted mixed with the life she led, I knew it would take more than naked-after-sex talk to convince her to take a chance on me.

So I had no choice but to leave it there and do what I could to show her I wasn't anything like the vultures who raised her. But that would take time and a fuckton of patience and dodging bullets.

Luckily for me, I had the best body armor money could buy—Zane Lewis didn't skimp on ballistic plates. I just hoped they deflected the verbal blows I knew I was going to take.

Out of options, I did the only thing I could do—I dropped down, gave her more weight, and took her mouth. By the time my tongue touched her lips she'd relaxed under me. At the first glide of our tongues she was fully committed. Under her whimpering protests, I kept the kiss slow and sweet.

There was plenty of time to give her what she wanted.

But only after I fed my girl.

I broke the kiss, smiled when she lifted her head off the mattress to chase my mouth, and rolled off her.

"Be back."

I grabbed my pants off the floor, tugged them on, tagged my shirt, and was at the door pulling it over my head when I turned back.

Nebraska had yanked the corner of the coverlet over her naked body.

Shame.

I left the room. The house being as small as it was meant I didn't miss Smith sitting at the two-seater bistro table off the kitchen, nor did I miss his smirk.

He'd heard.

Not a surprise. As I mentioned, the house was small, the walls were also thin. I'd heard both showers go on when Smith and Nebraska got in them and I was making dinner. I'd also heard Nebraska drop something in the shower and her muttered "Ouch." I didn't think she shouted, so yeah, the walls were very thin. Something I would've taken into consideration had Nebraska not kissed me. But as soon as I'd felt her lips on mine all rational thoughts had fled.

"Not a word," I warned.

For once, Smith kept his comments to himself. Though he didn't need to open his mouth. His smile said it all.

"Got anything new?" I asked as I passed him on my way to the kitchen.

"Layla called," he informed me. "She said Zane downplayed the scene at the office. He had fourteen pissed off tier one operators get in his face. Of the men, Garrett was the most pissed. Jasmin was calm, but Layla figures that was only because she has access to certain parts of Lincoln and she reckons she'll have his balls in private. She said it was bad. The only ones not giving Zane shit were Theo, Jonas, and Cash."

I figured that'd be the case. We hadn't been around as long as the rest.

"She confirmed what we already knew. It's good now but it didn't take an hour, it was more like three. During which time she was worried the cops were going to be called until she remembered the conference room is soundproof."

"No shit."

"No shit. She said she contemplated running to the armory and grabbing a pair of ear plugs they were so loud. Once they got in their licks and blew themselves out, Zane explained why he never told anyone about Black Team."

"He was protecting them," I surmised. "If shit went sideways they'd all be in the clear. Plausible deniability. Red, Gold, Blue, and now us, were on the up and up. Clean contracts. Oversight. Black is just that, black. From what I understand they're not mercs, not PMCs, they're straight up assassins."

"You'd be correct."

I had all the fixings for the grilled cheese on the counter and was buttering the bread when Smith continued.

"Nebraska's a part of that."

Something in the way Smith said that, like he was trying to break the news to me gently, gave me pause.

"And?"

"Black's HQ is in Wyoming, brother."

Okay.

I still wasn't tracking.

"And?"

"We're based in Maryland."

What he was saying finally clicked.

"A little premature for that, don't you think, brother?"

"Any other woman, I'd agree. With her, no."

What the fuck?

I set the knife on the counter, turned, and gave Smith my full attention.

"Wanna explain that?"

Obviously Smith did, because he didn't make me wait.

"I don't know her, but I do know I like her. But I do know you."

I wasn't sure I was happy about the direction this was going.

"Are you saying, you think I'd fuck her—"

"You just did," he pointed out the obvious. "But, fuck her over, no. Not intentionally. I know you got shit buried, just like the rest of us. Not like Cash—his issues run far deeper. But that doesn't mean you don't got issues. And you and her have something in common. Something you both need to be aware of before you jump into this. A different woman might be able to hack it. Nebraska, no way."

Suddenly I regretted sharing with Smith.

"What issue do you think I have?"

"Commitment with a track record of scraping off any woman who even thinks she might get in there. It's like you're Mumbley with that shit; you can sniff the thought percolating in a woman's head before she can fully suss it out. I get it why you do it and I get you're upfront with women and what they're gonna get from you."

Smith wasn't wrong but he also wasn't right. He was confusing my issues with his issue. He was the one who had commitment issues and after her I didn't blame the guy. He'd been burned and bad. My issue was and always had been my job. Being deployed, then working with the CIA, then going dark for ten years didn't leave much opportunity to have a woman in my life. None of us had time for that shit in the last decade—a sacrifice we all knew going undercover. At the time I didn't view the prospect of never getting married or having a family as a loss. I was uninterested.

But now, after giving up those ten years and coming home to work at Z Corps and seeing my other teammates with their wives and children, I was seeing it a loss.

And as far as Cash went, his issues had nothing to do with him committing and more to do with a mother who couldn't commit to being a mother. Her lack of commitment to the task of caring for her son had led to CPS getting involved and eventually putting him into the system. So really, he didn't have commitment issues, he had abandonment issues with a healthy dose of trauma tossed in there. It would take an act of God Almighty Himself to get Cash to give a woman a chance to close.

And I saw his point about Nebraska. I couldn't even get her to commit to twenty-four hours.

"You're wrong, Smith. I don't have the issues you think I do. What I had, what we all had, was circumstance. I wasn't willing to entertain the idea of a relationship while I was active duty. It was a hard pass when I joined the Agency. No woman should have to put up with her man being gone as much as we were, and then there were the lies I'd have to tell and I wasn't willing to lie to the woman I loved. So you're right, I scraped off any women who gave me the vibe she hadn't heeded my warning—fun and nothing more. But you're a hundred percent correct about Nebraska. She's not going to commit until she trusts me, and maybe not even then. So again, where her team is located is more than a little premature."

My friend's stare turned incredulous.

I didn't get it but I would when he said, "You know that shit hurts like a motherfucker."

Her.

With Smith it always circled back to her.

"Can't say that I do. I've had one relationship, if you can call a twenty-year-old idiot stumbling his way around a relationship. But still, she was sweet and loved me and I cared for her so it sucked when I had to end it. It didn't feel all that great but I wasn't crying in my soup. I suspect if all of this with Nebraska turns to shit and she leaves I'll be thinking back on this warning. What I won't do is wonder why I didn't listen because that woman in there deserves to know what it feels like to have someone care about her. Her. Not what she can do. Not mold her into what they want. Not use her for their benefit. Genuinely care about her. And if I can give that to her for a day, a week, a month then whatever hurt she lands on me will have been worth it."

I gave Smith a few moments to respond. When he didn't I left him with his thoughts, turned back, and finished making Nebraska a new grilled cheese.

By the time I was done and ready to get back to Nebraska, Smith had something to say.

"Ignore me. I'm the last person who should be dishing out advice."

We seriously needed to put in some effort with him and dig this shit out of him once and for all.

"I know jack-all about relationships," I returned. "But, brother, I know you. And that woman isn't worth it. She's still living in your head. After all these years it's time to evict the bitch and move on from what she did, what she said, and start fucking living. And Smith, when I say she's not worth it, I mean she's seriously not fucking worth it."

Christ.

It was like a competition between Nebraska and Smith on who could shut down the fastest.

No one had ever accused me of being well-adjusted or open with my feelings but compared to these two I was living free and open.

"Brace, Smith, your time's coming."

That got me nothing. Not that I thought it would. Unlike Nebraska, he didn't have a tic or a tell. Smith Everette was stone cold.

I didn't waste the effort or my breath.

I had a woman to feed.

After that I was going to attempt to take my time and show her exactly what she'd been missing out on the last six years. Though the way she ignited, the slow in the scenario might be difficult to pull off.

That wouldn't solve a single one of her problems but at least she'd fall asleep next to me after I wrung out as many orgasms as I could from her.

In other words, she'd go to sleep with a smile and I wasn't sure if that was something she'd ever done.