Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

“ I can do this. You can do this, Emily. Come on.” Emily muttered to herself as she approached the stables later that evening.

She had not seen the Duke since her return to the castle, and had felt restless herself. On an impulse, she decided to go out for a ride, but as she approached the stables, she felt her trepidation grow.

“You have been thrown from a horse before. Stop being ridiculous.” She chided herself.

It was true, she had been thrown several times in fact, though never as badly as that time. She had never been so scared on a horse before.

She swallowed, her throat suddenly dry as she approached the stables. The stablemaster spotted her and moved towards her.

“Do you wish to ride Miss Pembleton? I can have a horse prepared in a few moments.” He waved down on of the grooms.

“I…” Emily licked her lips, feeling panic spread through her. “Yes.”

“I shall have someone saddle one of the mares. She has a good temperament.” The stablemaster said kindly.

“That is very kind of you, thank you.” Emily took a steadying breath.

“Of course, Miss.” The stablemaster smiled. “It is always better to get back on the horse as soon as you are able.”

The man nodded his head towards her, and then disappeared after the groom he had flagged down. Emily ran a hand over her riding habit. It was not the same one she had worn on the hunt, she still could not quite bear to look at the thing.

“What are you doing?” a sharp voice said from behind her, and she turned to see the Duke of Warren striding towards her.

“What does it look like?” Emily frowned at him.

“It looks like you are going for a ride. Has the physician said it was safe for you to do so?”

“Yes.” Emily swallowed.

“Oh.” That stopped Luke, and Emily felt some satisfaction at the sheepish look that flitted across his face. “Very well. And you are certain you feel able to ride?”

“Of course I do.” Emily snapped, trying to ignore the mounting panic spreading through her.

“Are you sure? Perhaps it would be better if you waited.” Luke moved towards her, his eyes wide.

“I am perfectly capable, thank you very much. And I am not a child. I do not need a nursemaid.” It was easier to be angry than to admit how scared she was. Perhaps I can use this to overcome my fear.

“I did not say you did, I am…” Luke trailed off, and looked away from her, his fists clenched.

Emily frowned at him. “You are what?”

“I do not think this is a good idea.” He said, still not looking at her.

Before she could say anything else, the sound of clip clopping hooves behind them, drew Emily’s attention away from the Duke. A groom was leading a chestnut mare towards them. She was a gentle mare, called Daffodil.

The mare let out a soft nicker as she approached and Emily felt her shoulders tense even more. She was aware of Luke studying her and forced herself to relax. She strode to the mounting block, but with each step, it seemed harder to breath.

She reached a shaking hand for the reins, and as she tried to mount Daffodil she slipped. She let out a cry, but before she could fall, strong hands were at her back, steadying her and putting her back on her feet.

“You are safe.” Luke’s words washed over her, and to Emily’s intense shame and embarrassment her eyes filled with tears.

“I… I am sorry.” She stammered at the groom and then tore away from the stables.

She was dimly aware of someone saying something behind her, and then she felt a strong hand clasp firmly, but tenderly around her wrist. She stopped, but did not turn around.She knew by the scent of amber and the hint of frost that it was Luke.

“Have you come to gloat?” Emily’s shame warred with her anger.

Luke’s voice was gentle and soft. “I came to make sure you were all right.”

“I am fine.” Emily moved out of his grip, wrapping her arms around herself.

The warmth of his fingers leaving her skin seemed to fill her with a sense of loss. She refused to dwell on it. I am being overly emotional, that is all. It is just some flight of fancy.

“You are crying.” Luke pointed out as he pressed a handkerchief into Emily’s hand.

“Very well, I am not fine. You were right. Is that what you want to hear? I was not ready to ride, I was a fool to even try.” Emily blew her nose and turned to face him, gesturing towards the stables. “There is no way I can do this.”

“Why did you want to?” Luke asked, and Emily could hear genuine curiosity in his voice.

“Because…” Emily paused, a tumult of emotions running through her. Why did I think this was a good idea?

All she could think of was the odd fidgety feeling that had filled her all afternoon and the need to get rid of some of that energy. The need to feel like she was in control. But she did not think she could say any of that to the Duke.

Instead, she settled for part of the truth. “I have only just gotten music back. And riding is something I love. And they say that the longer you stay away after a fall the more likely you are never to get back on the horse.”

“I have heard that said.” Luke’s expression was neutral.

Emily’s voice broke as she looked up at him, unable to keep the fear from taking over. “What if I am too weak to do it again? What if I have to give it up?”

“And why would you say that?” Luke frowned at her.

“You saw what just happened. I slipped and completely fell to pieces.” She winced at the memory. “You probably think I am just some pathetic, weak woman.”

She turned from him, unsure why the thought of seeing the confirmation of her words hurt so much. It should not matter what he thought.

But we have been getting on so well recently. She pushed the feelings away. It did not matter. There was no future. She knew he would never get married. I do not want to marry him. He does not want to marry me. I am supposed to be marrying his brother.

The Duke’s voice snapped her back to the present, the disbelief clear in his tone. And there was something else that Emily could not quite place. Hurt? But that makes no sense.

“You truly think I would judge you for that? That I would think you pathetic and weak because you felt some trepidation at mounting a horse after you almost died?” The Duke shook his head in frustration.

Emily turned to him as he continued, his eyes hard even as his voice was gentle. “Of course I would not think that. I have known men have a much less harrowing fall and never get back on a horse again. The fact that you would even try shows me that you are far from weak.”

“It shows me that you are stubborn, and perhaps a little foolish. But not weak.” The Duke’s words floated between them, and Emily saw his lips quirk upwards in a teasing smile.

“You really are incapable of just giving me a compliment are you not?” Emily rolled her eyes, but her own lips curved into a smile.

“I have no doubt that you can do anything you set your mind to. If you wish to ride again, then nothing, not even the devil himself, could stop you.” Luke clenched his fist. “Few people would dare to try to overcome their fears, and yet you are here. You have been doing so for days.”

He is talking about our lessons. “I do not think I can ride, not today.” Emily swallowed. “But I might try again tomorrow.”

“I shall let the stablemaster know.” Luke opened his mouth and for a moment, Emily thought he would offer to accompany her. A wild feeling soared through her.

But instead he said, “you need not wait for me. I will see you tonight for our next lesson.”

“Thank you.” She said, unsure if he had even heard her as she watched his retreating back.

Trying to get a handle on her emotions, Emily shook her head. What on Earth is wrong with me? Why would she think that Luke would offer to accompany her? He had no reason to do so. There was no honour to be gained in it.

There is no honour in him teaching you how to read either. That did not mean he wanted to spend time with her. Besides, he had said himself that it was about fairness. She was letting her mind run away with her. They were becoming friends, and surely that was a good thing?

It is better than being constantly at one another’s throats. Isn’t it?

***A few hours later, Emily was in the music room with Luke. Lucy, ever the dutiful chaperone, was sitting in a corner, but Emily knew her maid was sleeping.

“Try again.” Luke pointed towards the page.

He was sitting at the pianoforte, and Emily was sitting on a chair close beside him. She had tried to convince him that she could simply sit on the floor, but he would have none of it, insisting that she needed to be of a height where he could easily see what she was reading.

“I am trying!” Emily grumbled. So much for not being at one another’s throats.

“No, you are arguing.” Luke jabbed his finger at the page, then played a few notes on the piano. “You can do this.”

Emily squinted back down at the novel. “on the approach of the carryage –”

“It is carriage.” Luke interrupted.

“Oh.” Emily looked back at the word, listening as Luke played a few notes and she mapped them to the sounds of the word.

“Try again.” Luke began to play softly once more.

“the carriage, which was a pen, a pe-hen-om.” Emily frowned at the sentence before her. “A penomenon?”

“A phenomenon. The ‘ph’ makes a ‘ff’ sound.” Luke glanced at the word on the page.

“That seems ridiculous. Why not just spell it with an ‘f’?” Emily frowned back at the word.

The corner’s of Luke’s mouth quirked into a smile. “You shall have to take it up with the Greeks.”

“I will. If I ever go there that is.” Emily said.

Luke looked at her curiously. “Is it something you would like to do? Travelling I mean. I have no doubt you would enjoy telling an entire country just what you thought of their linguistic practices.”

Emily laughed. “You do seem to think of me as rather opinionated.”

“That is because you are opinionated. And not scared of letting people know it either.” Luke gave her a frank look.

“I suppose.” Emily shrugged and then ran a finger along her bottom lip thoughtfully. “I have not given it much thought. Gentlemen get to do their whole Grand Tour, but there is not really an equivalent for women. And I suppose it would depend on my husband and if he would enjoy travelling.”

For a moment, it felt as if the air between them had hardened somehow. She thought she saw Luke tense, but in the flickering candlelight it might have just been a trick of her imagination.

“I am sure if you wished to, you could convince whomever you married to let you undertake such a journey.” His voice was light, he cleared his throat and said, “Now, let us try again.”

“Phenomenon. Phenomenon.” Emily repeated. “The dance ceased. On the ap. Ap. No, don’t correct me, I can do this. Ah! Approach of the carriage. Which was a phenomenon in these… What on Earth is that word?”

“Sequestered.” Luke played a few notes on the piano, sounding out the phonetics as he did so.

Emily nodded, and looked back at the word. “Sequestered. Seh-quest-erred.”

“Good.” Luke absentmindedly played a few notes on the piano, and gestured for Emily to continue reading.

She listened to the music, letting it calm her emotions as she focused on the words on the page before her. She returned to the top of the page, re-reading the section she had already read as Luke accompanied her on the pianoforte.

One of the notes Luke played made her think of the sound of the sea, and she found herself asking. “Have you ever been?”

“Pardon?” Luke was still playing, his voice only half present.

Emily liked when he lost himself in the music. He always seems so soft. “Have you ever been to Greece?”

Luke played a few moments longer and for a moment, Emily thought he would not answer. That he would instead insist that she focus on the task at hand.

“I have not.” He said an edge to his voice.

It piqued Emily’s curiosity and she asked, “Where did you go on your Grand Tour?”

“I did not have one.” He replied, clenching a fist.

“What? Why not?” Emily frowned at him. Most people think of it as integral to finishing a man’s education.

Luke raised an eyebrow at her. “How could I? I had the Duchy to run. I could not simply go gallivanting about the continent.”

“But surely you could manage a few shorter trips?” Emily asked.

Luke shrugged. “I have felt no need to do so. Not when there is so much I must focus on in my estate.”

“You have never wished to travel?” Emily frowned.

“When I was a boy, of course, I dreamed about my Grand Tour.” Luke sounded wistful, and his fingers absently played a melody on the pianoforte.

Emily added a few notes to his melody, letting it sit comfortably between them. “Where did you think you would go?”

“I wanted to go to Paris, then on to the Alps, into Italy and to the mediterranean after that. I thought I would spend the most time in Italy.” Luke said, continuing to play, his notes sounding more wistful, even though his voice seemed neutral. “Rodger spent most of his time in Italy and Greece, looking through old manuscripts and visiting archives.”

“Your brother had a tour and you did not?” It is hard to see your siblings do what you wish to do. Emily felt her heart ache for Luke, and almost reached for him without thinking, but stopped herself just in time.

Luke stopped playing and turned to face her. “I have responsibilities. He did not. And he needed to finish his education.”

“Did you not wish to do so also?”

“You should know that we do not always get what we wish. I have learned what I needed.” Luke’s voice was soft, and Emily heard echoes of her own frustration and regret.

“Perhaps you might travel some day. I am sure your brother could act as steward.”

Luke made a dismissive gesture. “As I said, it was only a boyish fantasy.”

“You are allowed to take a break every now and then. My father often says that fantasy is what gives rise to hope, and hope is what inspires us to action.” Emily insisted. Luke has never been taught to relax.

“I cannot afford such indulgences.” Luke retorted, his jaw clenched.

“I know plenty of dukes who travel.” She resisted the urge to jab him in his stubborn chest. “What is the point of life if you cannot indulge in a little joy every now and then.”

“How do you know I do not?” Luke turned to face her.

She met his icy blue eyes with her own. “Do you?”

“I…” Luke trailed off.

She murmured, “When was the last time you did something simply because it would make you feel good?”

“I… I cannot remember.” Luke admitted. “I rarely have time for such things.”

“Because you are trying to make everything else perfect?” Emily asked.

“It hardly seems fair to let Rodger’s children inherit a duchy in distress.” Luke rubbed the nape of his neck.

“Why are you so certain that it would be? From what I understand, Warren is among one of the most prosperous estates in England.” Emily flushed, she had not wanted to admit that she had been trying to learn more about the estate, practicing her reading by learning about his history.

Not his history. The history of the estate. It is just as much his brother’s. The thought of Lord Baine felt oddly suffocating. She pushed it from her mind.

“It was not always the case. I made many mistakes, especially when I was younger.” Luke muttered.

Emily softened her voice, sensing the pain behind his words. He thinks he must be perfect. “And no doubt you have learned from them.”

“I have.”

“Then why not permit yourself to live a little?”

“Because idleness begets laziness. And that leads to ruin.”

“To seek out joy is not the same as being idle. And I often find that my moments of idleness are when I have my best ideas.” Emily smiled.

“Such as?” Luke raised an eyebrow at her.

She gave him a wicked look. “Tricking Jane into numerous encounters with the man who is now her husband.”

“So, you really played matchmaker for your sister?” he asked, a mix of curiosity and amusement in his voice.

“Yes. Mother was furious. She did not think he was at all suitable for Jane.” Emily remembered the arguments they had had. Well, I was right. “The man she wanted her to end up with was so tedious. Utterly banal.”

“And is excitement what makes a successful marriage?” Luke asked.

“No. I did not think that Jane and Duke Rochester were suited because he was exciting. Excitement does not last forever.” Emily said. “It was the way she came alive when she was with him. I could tell that he saw the truth of her, and when she was with him, she saw it too.”

“Yet he was a rake. Or at least that was his reputation.” Luke pointed out.

“Hence my mother’s dislike of him.” Emily gave him a frank look. “But a reputation can be cultivated. And I could see that it was far from the truth.”

“You are a rather good judge of character then.”

“I thought so.” The Marquess of Snowden’s face appeared in her mind, and she felt a weight settle across her chest.

“One mistake, does not mean you are not.” Luke’s fingers clasped around her own.

The warmth of his touch spread through her, and she glanced up. Their eyes met. She breathed in the smell of him. The air around them seemed to thicken.

She shifted, and the book tumbled from her lap to the floor. The sound seemed to shatter the connection between them and Emily stood up.

“I think we should leave our lesson there.” Luke was not looking at her and she could not tell if she was relieved or irritated. “It is late.”

“I suppose.” Emily wanted to say something else, to insist that they stay, but she could not form the words.

“Until tomorrow, Miss Pembleton.” Luke inclined his head towards her.

“Until then.” Emily agreed. “Sleep well.”

“And you.” Luke replied, and he swept from the room.

And for the second time that day, Emily felt an odd sense of loss. She supposed she should be used to it. She was only an obligation after all.

That is all I ever will be.