Chapter 17

17

The next day was gloomy and cool as Chastity fingered the pages of a book of Shakespeare’s plays. She sat on the sofa next to Patience and Miss Anne Rose. A dozen or so ladies had gathered in the feminine sitting room of Pryde’s estate, drinking tea.The pretty and spacious room, with its pale blue walls and ornate gilded frames, seemed different somehow. Despite the gray day coming in through the large windows, all of the colors seemed more vibrant today, the moldings on the ceiling and other details she had never have appreciated before more interesting. The storm last night had broken the spell of oppressive heat and brought cool relief to her body, but her spirit was in turmoil.

The storm had changed her…Changed her whole world.

The ladies were scattered about, some engaged in quiet conversation, others reading, while Lady Virtoux sat at the center of a small cluster of women, her voice low but animated. Those around her leaned in close, exchanging knowing glances, gasping, covering their mouths with their hands.Engaging in idle gossip, no doubt.

If only they knew what she and Lucien had done…

Patience was talking quietly to Anne, who looked quite distressed. Something had happened to her during the storm, too. She had been found running through the woods with her dress torn and in quite a torment.

Chastity forced her attention back to the book on her lap, but the letters blurred and danced before her, and she couldn’t really understand what she was reading.

The play was supposed to happen the day before the ball. To her astonishment, Mr. Audley, the director, had cast her as Juliet. She couldn’t have been more cross with him about that, and with Pryde, who thought it was a splendid idea and didn’t convince Mr. Audley otherwise.

She knew she should study her part so as not to embarrass herself too badly. But in truth, she couldn’t stop thinking of Lucien and what happened in the old groundkeeper’s cottage.

About the pleasure. The closeness. The happiness.

Had her fourteen-year-old self known what her future self had done with Lucien last night, she would never have believed it. And if she had known that, would she still have let her father’s dominance lock her in this box and shut out a very important part from herself? Or would she be able to see in herself what Lucien saw in her?

Had she known what she knew now, would her life have gone completely differently?

She tried to concentrate on Juliet’s next line, but it blurred. What she did know was that she wasn’t the same person as yesterday. Not yet a woman, and yet not quite a maiden anymore, though her virginity was still intact…

But she was no longer her cold and distant self. She was someone else.

Could she confide in Patience?

When Anne stood up and walked to the other side of the room for tea, she was drawn into conversation by another lady.

“Patience,” said Chastity quietly after she looked around to ensure she was in no one’s earshot.

“Yes, dear?” asked Patience as she put her teacup on the saucer.

“I must ask your advice…but first you must promise this will stay between us.”

Patience frowned and shifted closer to Chastity. “Of course. Whatever is the matter?”

Chastity breathed out. This was new, too. Confiding her feelings to a friend. Usually she ignored her feelings or pushed them down. Focusing on her mind over her body. Over her emotions. But now, her emotions were boiling over, and she had no idea what to do with them.

“I…er…” She glanced around the room again to make sure no one would hear her.“Something happened yesterday during the storm.”

“What?” asked Patience, leaning forward. “Have you suffered an injury? Dorian told me Lucien saved you, but he said nothing about an injury.”

“I’m unharmed.”

Patience frowned, studying Chastity’s no-doubt flushed face. “Heavens… He didn’t… Oh, Chastity, what transpired between you?”

Chastity threw a cautious gaze on the other ladies. There was no one within five steps of them, and Lady Virtoux’s company had just burst out in laughter. “Nothing I objected to.”

“Oh, Chastity!”

“We talked. It turns out, he’d wanted me for a long time!”

“Well of course he wanted you. I could have told you that!”

Chastity blinked. “Was it so apparent?”

“Yes, it’s always been quite apparent to me!”

“What about Dorian? Does he know? Is that why he forbade Lucien to touch me?”

Patience sighed. “No, I don’t think Dorian sees it. Perhaps he doesn’t want to.”

“I can’t stop thinking about Lucien. And he implied he feels something for me too.”

“Feels something for you…? More than desire?”

Chastity’s chest became too tight, and she breathed out a slow, long exhale. “You’re aware of his reputation. He’s known to pursue every woman in his path. How could a rake like him harbor tender feelings towards someone like me?” She put the book aside, her throat dry, and sipped tea from her cup. “But I think that was what he said. We talked about our childhood. He told me the most horrendous thing that happened to him…which explains why he became the way he is… And it’s not his fault, Patience.”

Patience’s eyes moistened. “I’m sure it’s not, darling.”

“But what about what he did for me—the gowns, the teaching, the advice—he would only do that for a friend. So is that all I am to him? A friend?”

“I think you’re more than that.”

“If I am more…where does it leave us? He doesn’t want to marry—not me, not anyone. And neither do I.”

Patience looked a little astonished. “Darling. Wait, there’s a lot to think about here. First, what did he teach you?”

Chastity sighed. “How to talk to gentlemen so that they would notice me.”

“Right.” Patience blinked several times. “Right. And yet, he harbors tender feelings for you? I’m a little confused.”

Chastity put down her cup. “We made a bet. He is staying abstinent for a month, while I have to secure a marriage proposal from Lord Wardbury.”

“You— What?” Patience opened and closed her mouth. “Oh, Chastity, you brave soul! I never thought you’d dare. But you just said you don’t want to marry at all.”

“I don’t intend to marry Lord Wardbury,” she assured Patience. “Only to secure the proposal.”

Patience grinned. “You devious woman! I admire this new side of you, sister. You ought to shape your own future, rather than waiting for fortune to favor you. I saw Lord Wardbury’s attentions to you and wondered if you liked him back. Aren’t Captain Harrington and Mr. Audley paying you their attentions, too?”

“No, we’re just friends. The captain is the most fascinating adventurer, and Mr. Audley and I have the same taste in poetry and literature. He gave me his poem, asking for my opinion, so I’m making some notes for him.”

“I daresay they think of you as more than just a friend.”

Chastity clenched her hands in her lap. “Never mind them… What should I do about Lucien?”

“Has he…er…taken your maidenhood?” Patience whispered.

“No. He did…er…do other things.” She giggled a little. “Wonderful things… There was a feather…”

Patience’s jaw dropped and she blushed crimson. She looked around hastily. Luckily, none of the ladies seemed to pay them any attention. “Chastity!” she whispered. “I’m a married woman, how can you make me blush so?”

Chastity shrugged. “I know anatomy. I didn’t know it could be so wonderfully pleasant.”

“Well,” said Patience as she pressed the backs of her hands to both of her cheeks then picked up her fan and began fanning herself slowly. Chastity hoped the other ladies would assume it was because of Patience’s condition, not because of their conversation. “What do you want to do with Lucien?”

“I don’t know! I’m so conflicted.”

“Do you want him to propose?”

“I…I don’t know. Yesterday, I would have definitely said no. Today, I’m not so sure.”

Patience folded the fan. “Look, darling, the most important thing is to know what you want. Can you imagine a marriage with him?”

“Perhaps… Yesterday gave me a glimpse of what a marriage could be. Intimacy. Pleasure. Support. He wouldn’t stop me from doing my research. He doesn’t want children. Neither do I. The things we talked about yesterday were the kind only the closest of friends confide in each other.”

“But would he actually propose?”

Chastity sighed. “He doesn’t want a wife. Ever.”

“So all you can hope for with him is a future as his mistress?”

Chastity looked at her hands. “I think that’s all he wants to offer.”

Patience gently pushed up her chin to look into her eyes. “If he’s going to dishonor you and leave you ruined, I’ll be the first one to murder him. Then Dorian will follow suit.”

Chastity nodded. “I— Heavens, why would he change for someone like me anyway?”

“What do you mean, someone like you?”

“I’ve never been like you, Patience. Sweet and feminine and kind and friendly. Charming. The way a woman should be. You’re the perfect duchess. I’ve always been completely focused on my mind, on my research, on my career. How could he ever want to give up his bachelor life—the pleasures, the freedom—for me?”

Patience smiled and took Chastity’s hands in hers. “Darling, if there’s anyone in this world for whom he would give all that up, it is you. No one is as deserving, as beautiful, as smart, as generous as you are. I wish you knew it in your heart. I wish you could see it for yourself.”

Chastity sighed. For a moment she imagined what it would be like to feel that way.But the image and the feeling were as elusive as the lines of the play she couldn’t force herself to read. And as impossible as reforming the notorious duke who embodied lust itself.