Chapter 14

14

Chastity held her breath, acutely aware of Lucien’s arms around her—hard, hot, and entirely captivating. Even through the thin fabric of her chemise, she could feel the smoothness of his skin, the firm muscles of his arms and chest, and the wonderful heat radiating from his body.

His face hovered mere inches from hers, his violet eyes captivating her completely. She took in every detail: his smoothly shaven chin, the square angle of his jaw, the solid warmth of his strong neck beneath her arms. His wavy golden curls, still damp from the rain, were beginning to dry in the blessed heat of the fireplace.

The blanket around both of them was heaven, a wall protecting them from the world. A world where it was impossible for them to be together. Because of Dorian. Because of their bet. Because of who she was—a bluestocking who wanted nothing but to continue her research. And who he was—the most notorious rake in England who wanted nothing but to continue his debauchery unheeded…and who certainly never wanted to marry.

Yet here they were, and she had just told him out loud what she didn’t dare let herself even think.

“Chastity…” he breathed as he stared at her mouth like all the treasures of the world were hidden there. “Don’t say things you don’t mean. Not when you’re sitting on my lap with just a wet piece of clothing between us.”

“I meant every word,” she said. “You’ve been in my life since I remember myself. And I hope you will always be.”

“To watch you become Lady Wardrobe? Watch him claim you, live with you, have you every day? Have little Wardrobe children?”

She didn’t want to talk about Lord Wardbury, didn’t want to remember anyone outside of this house. “As if you truly cared, Lucien.”

“I care very much,” he said, his gaze traveling between her eyes and her mouth, his violet eyes darkening.

“Only out of obligation. Because of your friendship with Dorian, and some rules I know you seven all adhere to. But don’t feel obliged on my part.” She stroked his damp hair and tucked a strand behind his ear. “Actually, I’m worried about you, about what you just said. You’re not nothing, you will never be nothing. I’ve…er…I’ve always held a very high opinion of you.”

He chuckled with a heartbreaking bitterness. “And now who’s speaking out of obligation.”

“No, it’s because you’re a wonderful man. Smart,” she said as she continued stroking his hair. “Kind. Incredibly giving.”

“My, my, Lady Chastity.” His hands began doing some sort of wonderful, sensual stroking down to her waist. “Give me a couple more compliments, and I might think you’re actually fond of me.”

“Of course I am,” she said, and blushed. She hoped he thought her fondness towards him was that of a childhood friend. Not that of someone who thought him the most gorgeous man she’d ever met, who had caused a stirring aching warmth to spread all over her body. “It’s just that you’ve been incredibly hurt, which is not your fault. We all have been raised by cruel parents. Can you imagine a world where you let someone in and let them love you?”

Lucien swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I—I don’t know.”

She thought she saw the pain in his eyes start to dissolve, become softer. “What you’re trying to achieve with your body…you need to achieve it with your heart. With your soul. Permit someone to know not merely your flesh, but your true self.”

He looked tortured, and she thought the next moment he’d change the topic, but he wasn’t turning away from her. “I don’t know if I could ever do that,” he said. “But I think I’d like to.”

She nodded and smiled. How could she tell him that he didn’t need to worry about being unworthy and unlovable? She already loved him. She had loved him her entire life.

“Maybe that’s why you know me so well,” he said. “I let you in before I learned to keep people out. And I couldn’t stand anyone like Lord Wardrobe or Captain Herring or Mr. Oddly hurting you. Because none of them would know what a beautiful person you are. Because no one deserves you and no one ever will.”

No one deserved her? “What on earth are you talking about?” She chuckled. “You’re just trying to make me feel better. If it wasn’t for your schooling, none of those gentlemen would have even noticed my existence.”

“They’re fools. I’ve always been acutely aware of your existence.”

“Well, clearly, the bright gowns you managed to have made for me attracted them like bees.”

“They couldn’t be more blind.” Was it her imagination, or was his mouth even closer now? Just half an inch. She could feel his warm breath on her lips, and suddenly she ached to feel it right in her mouth. “You don’t need any bright colors to hold my attention.”

His hand was continuing to stroke up and down her back, and she was getting more and more comfortable and warm, and it felt as if her limbs were liquifying. “Lucien…” She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his mouth. Such handsome, broad, full lips. “Don’t say things you’ll regret later.”

“I’ve never been more serious in my life, Star. And I’ve never wanted a single thing more than this.”

With that, the final distance between them disappeared,and his lips covered hers.

The kiss was both a shock and a long-awaited revelation. Chastity moaned softly into Lucien’s mouth, overwhelmed by the rightness of it all. It felt as though the pieces of a puzzle she had yearned to solve for years had finally fallen into perfect alignment. The taste of his lips, the warmth of his breath, the scent of his skin—all of it delighted her senses.

Her head was completely free of any thoughts. His arms tightened around her, his hard chest pressing into her breasts through the thin fabric of her chemise. Her nipples hardened and gave her some kind of delicious pleasure from the pressure and the friction of his chest against her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged herself closer to him, closer, closer, impossibly close until it seemed they would dissolve into each other. Her skin was on fire—her entire body was. On fire with a desire and an ache that only pressing into him would resolve.

The kiss grew deeper as he dipped his tongue into her mouth,and he stroked her tongue with his. She shuddered at the pure decadence of this act. Heavens , a thought finally entered her empty head, Lucien is kissing me… Was this not what she had wanted since she was an adolescent?

She was breathing hard, her lungs too small for her body. Her skin was ablaze, her body so incredibly warm and pliable, like hot wax, and he could do anything he wanted with it. His hands ran up and down her back in broad but tender strokes. He held her waist in his hands, so large they could envelop her whole.

As they kept kissing, his hands moved to her hair, running through the tangled locks, fingers tugging, bringing her to him like there was nothing else in the world he’d rather do.

She was climbing somewhere, those hot feelings like a stairway to an unknown destination. In the pit of her stomach, a delicious tension began to build, coiling tighter with each passing moment. She felt that bulge between his legs again, his member hard and hot and probing.

From the books, she knew the functions of sex organs; she knew where this hardness would go and what it would cause. She’d seen anatomical illustrations of a male and a female body. She’d also seen intimate caricatures no lady was supposed to see, and now realized she was feeling what all those women in the drawings must have been feeling.

Sexual desire.

She wanted Lucien. And he wanted her.

For heaven’s sake, she needed to stop!

Or she’d be yet another woman he’d conquer.

She jumped to her feet, pulling the edges of the blanket around her. He was breathing hard, his mouth open, his muscular chest rising and falling deeply and quickly, blinking in confusion.

“No, Lucien,” she said, trying to catch her own breath. Her traitorous body needed to calm down. “No!”

“I would rather say yes.” He stood, the huge erection still protruding through his breeches. “Very much yes.”

“I will not be another one of your conquests,” she said.

“I’d never—” He exhaled loudly and pulled his hands through his hair. “My word, Chastity, do you think I’d dishonor you and abandon you?”

“What was your plan, then, when you kissed me?” she yelled. “Marry me tomorrow?”

With panic in his eyes, he shook his head as though to chase away a bad dream, whirled around, and paced the room, his fingers in his hair.

“I don’t— I haven’t thought it through.”

“Why did you kiss me?” she cried. “What did you want?”

“You!” he yelled back as he took long, purposeful strides towards her and towered over her like a castle. “I have wanted you for years,” he added softly and brushed her face with his knuckles. “But you’re the one woman I can never have.”

Her ears must have betrayed her. Surely, she was not hearing right. She opened her mouth and closed it as his violet eyes grew so incredibly soft. Then she opened her mouth again.

“You’ve wanted me for years? No, that can’t be right. Me?”

“You,” he murmured softly. “Chastity. My star.”

“But… Lucien, how can you want me? When I’m…well…me? My life is dedicated to science. I’ve never paid any attention to my looks. I must be the most undesirable woman you ever met.”

“Where did you get this nonsense, Star?” he asked gently. “And why do you hide behind your gray and brown clothes and your spectacles?”

“But—” She opened and closed her mouth.

The truth came rushing into her psyche, the image of her beautiful and graceful mama, her sky-blue eyes so much like Dorian’s and Chastity’s, her dark, almost raven hair. The statuesque figure, which as Chastity remembered being clad in the fashions of last century the last time she saw her mama—a fitted, thin waist and a full skirt.

“Mama,” she whispered. “Mama was always so feminine…attractive…so much like a perfect duchess for Papa… And yet, it was never enough.”

Lucien’s eyes clouded with empathy. “I remember your mama. She was always so kind to me. And to you and Dorian. You look so much like her.”

“Exactly. But the truth is, Lucien, I always thought that being beautiful, that being a feminine woman, would mean pain. To me, it meant being controlled, having one’s will stripped away. The expectations placed on women are so impossibly high that we can never hope to meet them. And even then, it doesn’t guarantee happiness.”

His expression grew sadder, and she bit her lip as she said, “The attentions of men can be…quite disastrous. They certainly were for Mama. She was left so powerless that Papa could banish her to another estate on a whim, denying us any chance to see her. All the while, he carried on with his affairs.” She looked up at him, her heart wrenching. “So what did feminine beauty ever bring to my life that was good? It was just so much easier to pretend that part of me didn’t exist. That I could just be a smart woman, a scientist. That being feminine was not for me. Then I’d be free. And, especially, I’d be free of the duty of ever having children.”

“You don’t want children?” he asked. “I did not know that.”

“I don’t. I do not wish to pass on the curses and unhappiness that I was raised in.”

“Oh, Chastity,” he murmured as he brushed her cheek with his knuckles. “My star. I’m sorry your papa taught you that lesson. I can’t say no man would treat you so, but I do know the right man will never make you feel like you’re his property. That is what I wish for you. That is what I would have wished for your mama. Femininity is not a prison. You can be both brilliant and beautiful. You are both, Star.”

His proximity bewildered her senses; she was actually starting to believe his words. That was what she felt with him. Smart and attractive and feminine. And she never felt like he’d command her. On the contrary, he had elevated her. Made her feel better about herself. Pushed her to be free.

“Lord help me, I want you,” he said on a sigh.

“You want me… But…uh… But not to marry me?”

He closed his eyes in exasperation. “No. Not to marry you. If you want the truth, I do not ever want children, either. And I do not want a wife.”

“So…” She stepped back. “Let me get this straight. You want to seduce me, like you seduce other women, but you don’t want to marry me because you don’t want a wife or children. So…what is it exactly you’re hoping? The ideal scenario? That you will have me for one night and then continue whoring around?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. Truth is, darling, I don’t think I’d ever want anyone else if I had you once. Not after that kiss.”

She had no idea how she could talk about it so calmly, when there was a tempest raging inside her—between desire, confusion, hope, shock, happiness, and rejection.

She scoffed. “I know what this is.”

Because, of course, he couldn’t seriously think about her that way, couldn’t truly mean that he’d wanted her his entire life, or that he couldn’t imagine whoring around after having her.

“You’re overcome with lust. You haven’t had a woman for eleven days—for which I commend you—and now you see an opportunity to have your way with one.”

“Darling, if I simply wanted a woman, I’d have had Lady Osborn or Mrs. Bernet a long time ago. Trust me, I almost lost the bet a few days ago on purpose because the torture of seeing you flirt with Lord Wardrobe became so unbearable. I can’t stand to see him getting all your attention, to see him eyeing you like you’re a sugared plum. And all those peacocks…none of them is the man for you.”

“And you are?” she challenged him breathlessly.

He nodded. “Damnation…if Dorian hears me, he’s going to murder me. And rightfully so.”

“Tell me one thing, Lucien,” she whispered. “If it wasn’t for Dorian, if he gave you his blessing, or if he didn’t object in the first place and I said yes, would you have wanted me? Or is it just that I’m such forbidden fruit for you?” she asked.

He stepped so close, once again, that he was towering over her. He cupped her face in his palms. “I’d have wanted you always. Permit me to express the true extent of my feelings.”

Then he kissed her again.

And she had never wanted anything more.