Chapter 19

19

KOVI

Tanner: I’m so sorry.

Me: It’s okay. You did nothing wrong.

Tanner: But I want to explain myself.

Me: It’s cool. We can just be acquaintances.

Me: We gave it our best shot.

Tanner: But I don’t want that.

Tanner: I don’t want to call it quits.

Tanner: Please can we talk in person.

Tanner: I’m really sorry I’m so fucked up.

Taner: Kovi, I want to see you.

Tanner: Kovi, please?

I scroll through all the texts and missed calls of the past week. The past several days of abstaining from reaching out to Tanner have been torture. I’ve been asking Dean Yaga for any more forestry work, but every tree, branch, and hedge on campus is pristine. I tried throwing myself into environmental sci homework, but that only makes me miss my boyfriend more.

But he’s not my boyfriend anymore, is he? Shortest relationship ever.

I sigh and shove my phone away, then gaze down at the textbook. I’m alone in my spot on the third floor of the library. Midterms are over, so barely anyone wants to study, leaving me to my solitude, just the way I like it. Blake and Seth have been tip-toeing on eggshells, treating me like a landmine of sadness, and honestly? Facts. One mention of Tanner and I could end up a blubbering mess, sprouting vines everywhere, pouring my heart out and never lifting my roots again.

So here I am, alone, doing extra credit work. I’m already way ahead in my studies, but I need to keep my head and hands busy. Still, even when I concentrate, I find the facts of the forest repetitive. Everything about the deciduous biome of North America is banal when you’ve been communing with the trees in this habitat since you were a kid. If I take the dean’s offer, I’d continue doing that for Creelin U after I graduate. Biomes in other states, hell, even other countries, would be fascinating.

I move to another book about the different vegetation in countries like the Philippines or Borneo. Now those would be thrilling. Maybe with my degree I could help other nations. It would include plenty of amazing travel opportunities. I picture myself sipping on a coconut on a beach. In this imaginary future, Tanner is rubbing sunscreen oil over me. He’d probably hide in the shade because his gorgeous freckled skin might burn. I sigh happily at the fantasy of us on vacation on a sandy shore.

Then I clear my throat and frown. Tanner and I have no future. Just because he says he doesn’t want to call it quits doesn’t mean I’m right for him. We’ll always be two messed-up, star-crossed lovers with emotional baggage. He’s the human and I’m the monster of his nightmares. I sigh and rub my temple, plopping my elbows on the table.

“There should be a rule. ‘No sighing in the library.’”

I look up and smile. “Niko. What’s good?”

I give him a bro handshake and he sits down next to me. His cart is nearly empty, so he must not be in a rush to get back to work.

“Not you,” he says with a smirk.

“Huh?”

“You’re not good. You keep frowning.” He leafs through one of the open texts. “What did books ever do to you?”

We both chuckle, and I mindlessly stare at the photo illustrations. “Just trying to keep up with studies.”

“Come on. We both know that’s a load of junk.” He taps my arm. “Talk to me. Why are you really here?”

I casually thumb through some pages. “Lots of…stuff on my mind.”

“Is it about that handsome red-headed human?”

My eyebrows jump and I study him. He shrugs and pats down the snakes wiggling underneath his beanie cap. “A certain benevolent pharaoh of coffee beans told me.”

I groan. “Seth,” I mutter.

“He didn’t give me details!” Niko puts up his hands in a pleading gesture. “He just mentioned you’re down in the dumps while I was getting some brew the other day. The Halloween Ball is coming up, and I expected to see you gallivanting around with that hunky human.”

I snicker then go back to playing with the pages. “Yeah well…we’re breaking up.”

Niko frowns. “So you tried it with a human, and it didn’t work out. What’s the big deal? Mutual break-ups happen all the time.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“You wanna uncomplicate it?”

I recall sleeping with Tanner that first night. Then I remember the horror on his face when he woke me up last week. I take a deep breath in and out. “I hurt him.”

“Huh?”

“I triggered his post trauma. I’m a nightmare for him. We slept together, and when he woke up…” I land my head on a book and groan. “He ran off. It was awful.”

“I’m sorry, bud.” He taps my back, and after a moment, we go back to sitting upright.

“I’ve never seen that much fear. All because I shifted in the middle of the night.”

“Oof. Rough. It’ll be tough for him to want to sleep with you again after that.”

Niko doesn’t know the half of it. “Exactly,” I reply, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“At least you won’t accidentally turn them to stone.”

We share a laugh. “Sometimes I wish I was a monster all the time,” I lament.

“Trust me, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

“You know what I mean. The full moon is coming on Halloween, and who knows how I’ll end up? All dryad? Left half human, right half dryad? It’s a mystery! I want to be accepted for who I am. You’re exactly who you present as, a monster. My shifting could poke an eye out!”

“You know how hard it has been for me this semester,” Niko laments. “I’m always in my shifted form. Celebrating everyone out and about in their monster forms when I’m always stuck in mine doesn’t seem like my kind of party.”

My eyebrows furrow. “Niko, it's about more than that. What about the fact that for some of us, we want to celebrate monster history? It’s not something to hide. And think about it this way: you’re lucky because since you’re always in your shifted form, you don’t have to worry about changing into some kind of dangerous hazard.”

He scoffs and nods. “I still think a reprieve from this…” He adjusts his cap, and a viper pokes its head out for a moment before he pushes it back in. “Would be hunky-dory. But the grass is always greener on the other side of the graveyard.”

I chuckle. “I like you the way you are, Niko. Never change, my dude.”

He stands up and begins to push his cart. “Look, regardless of our humans, I hope you reconsider going to the dance if it’s that important to you. With everyone shifting out, it ought to be fang-tastic.”

“I’ll mull it over.” I quirk an eyebrow. “‘Our’ humans?”

Niko fills me in on how fast his relationship has progressed with his sexy roommate. Apparently I’m not the only monster with his heart tied up in a human.

But how can I go to the dance with Tanner knowing I trigger him?

After Niko bids me farewell, I shut the books in front of me and pack my things. There are some answers I won’t find from reading.