Chapter Thirteen

Griffin

I couldn't have said how long I cried. Only that it was long enough for Ben to steer us away from the door to the bed so we were lying down, his body enfolding mine while I let everything out against his chest. My guilt. My frustration. My anger. My grief. He'd whispered things while I cried—words of endearment, comfort, and encouragement. Given how badly I'd treated him both three years ago, and recently, I didn't deserve any of them. That didn't mean I didn't soak them up like a starving man desperately in need of nourishment.

"I missed you," I finally said when there were no tears left to cry and words became possible once more.

Ben's hand paused from rubbing soothing circles on my back for a beat, before continuing the motion. "I missed you too. I thought it would get easier, but it didn't."

"How could it when we were still bound?" I raised my head from where I'd had it buried in Ben's damp shirt, knowing I must look like shit, my face swollen and red. I used my sleeve to wipe my face, Ben's gaze never leaving mine. "I looked into it, you know, a way of severing it properly so we weren't stuck in limbo."

"And?"

"It can't be done, apparently. Or at least no one has ever done it before. I had a few people get in contact. When it came down to it, though, they were all wackos, and I wasn't keen on drinking the blood of a newborn lamb who'd been born on the third Wednesday of a leap year under the light of the full moon." I let out a shuddering breath, my body and mind still a tangle of emotion. "It was like you said, the only fix would have been if we never met."

"I never said that!" Ben's voice was hoarse. "I asked if you'd ever considered it."

When I opened my mouth to respond, he placed a finger over my lips. "I wasn't in a good place that night. What with there having been another murder, and bringing Rupert back, and then having to watch him die again. I said it mainly to annoy you. I didn't need an answer then, and I certainly don't need one now."

"You don't?" He shook his head and then rolled onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, the loss of his touch like a physical ache. "Who were you with the other night?" I asked.

He flicked a glance my way. "The olive night? Or a few nights later when you wouldn't let me have an orgasm the first time?"

I winced. "Both." I heaved myself up to one elbow so I could get closer to him, steeling myself for the answer.

"One-night stands. Two different men. The second only happened because the first one ended terribly. Thanks to you."

"I would say I was sorry, but I wouldn't mean it. "

Ben laughed, rolling his head to the side so he could make eye contact. "I meant what I said, you know."

"About?"

"You have to stop punishing yourself."

"Yeah." My throat was tight, tears threatening once more. It seemed I had some left after all. "What does that mean, though?"

Ben smiled. "I know you don't want to hear it, but cutting down on the drink. Letting people back into your life."

"People?"

"Friends. I know it wasn't just me you cut out of your life."

"I have friends."

"Cade doesn't count. He wouldn't have seen you for dust if he didn't happen to be your employer as well. No doubt you would have severed those ties as well if it wasn't for the fact that you can't live on thin air." There was a ring of truth to that. Still pining for the loss of contact, I reached for Ben's hand. I wouldn't have blamed him if he yanked it away. He didn't though, letting me tangle his fingers with mine, the skin to skin contact immediately making me feel better. "And your work colleagues don't count either," Ben continued.

I pulled a face before I could think better of it, a furrow appearing on Ben's brow. "What's wrong with your work colleagues?"

Ben and I had been together for the early inception of the PPB, but at that point, I'd been the only necromancer until Cade had recruited more. "Where do I start?" I drawled. "Calisto's a bona fide saint who's too good to be true. And John…?"

"John?" Ben queried when I didn't immediately elaborate, seeming genuinely interested .

"John's never had a thought he didn't choose to share, and there's very little sugarcoating when he does. And then he has the nerve to walk around like everyone's got a vendetta against him and none of it is his fault."

"I like him already," Ben said with a smile. "Maybe I'll get to meet him one day."

"You'll have a job on. He's currently suspended."

"What did he do?"

"He raised an army of the dead."

"Huh!" Ben quirked an eyebrow. "Never a dull moment in the PPB."

"I wouldn't know. I'm not there anywhere near as much as I should be. Cade should have fired me a long time ago." That was the first time I'd admitted that out loud. It seemed like tonight was a night for a lot of firsts. Among them realizing just how self-destructive my behavior had been. It was a wonder anyone gave me the time of day.

"He wouldn't have done that," Ben said. "He knew how emotionally crushed you were by Whitney's death. You were lucky you had a boss like him."

"Yeah."

My lids were getting heavy, the emotions of the night catching up to me. "Tell me what you've been up to?"

Ben did, his voice so soothing I barely heard a thing before I fell asleep.

I awoke to darkness, the light in the hotel room now off. I'd fallen asleep fully dressed, but now only wore my underwear, meaning Ben must have undressed me before tucking me under the covers. I lifted my head, enough light coming through the hotel curtains to see him fast asleep on the other side of the bed, the sight making me feel better. Now that I'd slept some, I felt cleansed, like the release of emotion and talking about things had unstoppered a bottle and let something thick and cloying escape from it.

Wasn't that what I'd always feared, though? That talking would make things better? Wasn't that why I'd always fought tooth and nail against her name ever being brought up? Because I didn't deserve to feel better about it. Cutting Ben out of my life hadn't just been about punishing myself. Ben would have been the one person who got me to talk. He'd proved that tonight. Therefore, my resolve wouldn't have lasted two minutes. So I'd removed him from my life, breaking both our hearts in the process and sentencing us both to a life that could never be fulfilling without the other in it.

The question was, what happened now?

I shifted closer to Ben, the give of the mattress making him stir but not wake. It was like I was a moth and he was my flame. His shoulders were bare, his position on his side leaving one tantalizingly close. Either he was naked beneath the sheets or he was wearing just his underwear, either option making the breath catch in my throat.

Unable to resist, I dropped a kiss on his shoulder, the skin velvety soft beneath my lips and so damn familiar. If I'd thought I could leave it at that, like it was a thank you for putting me to bed, nothing more than a chaste goodnight kiss, I'd been fooling myself. Of course, it wasn't enough. It never would be .

The curve of his neck was too enticing, my lips following it to drop soft butterfly kisses all the way to his jaw, Ben's stubble prickly.

"Griff?"

I froze, like a naughty child caught in the act. Had I really thought he'd stay conveniently asleep? I hadn't thought at all, though, had I? That was the problem. I'd let the damn fated mate's bond take over, a naked or half naked Ben so close, just too tempting despite the entire ocean that had passed under our bridge.

With Ben now awake, I either needed to return to my side of the bed and act like nothing had happened, leaving us both in purgatory. Or give into it. Admit that we couldn't co-exist in the same space without our base instincts coming into play.

While I fought to decide, Ben rolled onto his back and stared up at me, his expression unguarded. "You better not be starting something you don't intend to finish, Caldwell."

I ran my fingers over his jaw. Over his cheekbone. His brow. Before finally letting them trail over his lips. "I meant it when I said I'd missed you."

"I know."

"It was like—"

Ben reached up and yanked my head down, close enough that I could feel his breath on my lips. "Have I ever told you that you talk too much?"

"Not for a long time."

"Well, you do. Either kiss me or get back to your own damn side of the bed. Or so help me God, I'll decide for you." There was a growl in Ben's voice that said he wasn't playing.

I kissed him.

Long and sweet .

Our mouths coming together like they'd never been apart, the fated mate's bond ensuring I felt what he felt and him me, the intermingling of our lust and desire producing an experience like no other. Something that nothing else had ever come close to.