Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Was Delton right? Adar kept turning the issue around in his head, trying to look at it from every side. On the surface, telling Oliver the truth seemed like a no-brainer. Lies rarely lead to anything good, especially between partners. Even Adar, with his limited experience in relationships, could figure that one out. But this was no ordinary lie…and no ordinary relationship either. So, did the same rules apply?

If only he knew how Oliver would react. He could get over the embarrassment of confessing something so personal to his mate, even if it was humiliating. If that was the worst, he’d do it in a heartbeat. The problem was that he didn’t know. He had no clue how Oliver would take it.

Best-case scenario, Oliver would understand this wasn’t something Adar had chosen himself but that this was how he was wired. Best-case scenario, Oliver would permit Adar to find his release that way, even if it didn’t involve sex. Adar could live with that. He could settle for not bottoming for the rest of his life if he got to keep the pain part.

Worst-case scenario? His stomach turned. Worst-case scenario was that he not only would lose his mate, but Oliver would also tell everyone what a perverted bastard Adar was. Worst-case scenario was that the entire pack would find out about his sexual proclivities, and he’d have to leave the pack. The thought alone made him sick to his stomach.

He had no way of knowing which one it would be. No matter how much he reasoned with himself, he could come up with as many arguments for the worst-case scenario as for the most positive. Maybe he should count on something in the middle?

Someone tapped his shoulder, startling Adar. Fuck, he’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed Oliver had gotten up and was trying to get his attention. “Sorry. I was…thinking.”

“S’okay,” Oliver whispered.

Adar pulled back a chair. “Want to come sit with us, angel? We were talking, hanging out.”

Had that come out too defensively, as if he were trying to hide something? Perhaps not because after a moment’s hesitation, Oliver nodded and sat next to Adar.

“Hi, Oliver,” Delton said. “How have you been?”

Adar had discovered that many people stopped talking to Oliver once they knew he barely spoke. As if he somehow had become invisible. As if him not using his voice meant his ears didn’t work either.

But not Delton. He had addressed him as easily as he would anyone else, and it made Adar strangely happy.

“Good,” Oliver said softly. “But heavy heart.”

Delton nodded. “I think we’re all feeling it, this heaviness on our souls and the need to be together. Adar and I said the same thing. We don’t understand what’s going on, but we’re following our instincts here.”

Oliver pointed at Delton and raised his eyebrows.

“How am I doing? I’m good, thank you for asking. A little out of sorts because I’m not used to spending this much time in a large group. I’m more of a one-on-one person, as evidenced by my career.”

Oliver smiled as he pointed at himself.

“I know you feel the same way. And Adar probably too.”

“Damn straight,” Adar said with a sigh. “Add to that, I rarely spend this much time indoors either. I’m an outdoor person.”

“Is that why you chose a career in security?” Delton asked.

“It was more of a fluke, to be honest. I met Bray in the gym, and we became workout buddies. He had started his own company and needed some extra hands occasionally, so he asked me. I liked the work well enough, and he paid well, so I kept doing stuff for him until he offered me a full-time job. I had no idea what else to do with my life, so I said yes. And then we ended up on the PTP ranch, and as they say, the rest is history.”

“You?” Oliver gestured at Delton.

“How I ended up here? Or how I ended up in my job?”

“Both?”

“Unlike Adar, my career was a deliberate choice. I’ve always been a book nerd, spending most of my childhood and teenage years with my head in a book, much to my parents’ frustration. I loved reading fiction, especially stories with a lot of depth and featuring strong characters. Reading those made me wonder if people could really become that strong through circumstances, and so I started reading up on that topic. That led to me going down the whole rabbit hole of psychology, which soon became my passion. Once I had my license as a psychologist, I picked up on that old interest and specialized in trauma psychology. So it wasn’t because of some trauma I survived. I was extraordinarily lucky because I grew up with wonderful, supportive parents who loved me very much.”

“My parents were loving,” Adar said. “Though they were old-fashioned and strict, especially for my younger sister, an omega. That was how I met Enar for the first time. My sister became pregnant and didn’t want to keep the baby. I heard about Enar from an acquaintance, so I took her to see him, and he helped her. I’ve never forgotten his kindness.”

Funny, he hadn’t talked about that in a long time. In fact, he couldn’t remember ever mentioning it to anyone. Maybe to Enar, but even that, he wasn’t sure of.

“He’s amazing,” Delton said. “I admire and respect the hell out of him. Maz too, but there’s something special about Enar.”

“Pure,” Oliver said.

Adar smiled. “I remember Fallon using that word for him when you all arrived. It struck me because it’s such a beautiful description of who Enar is at the core.”

“Trust him.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty easy to trust,” Delton said.

Oliver pointed at Delton. “You too.”

“I am?” A smile bloomed on Delton’s face. “Thank you. What a beautiful compliment. I will treasure that.”

If Oliver trusted Delton so instinctively, shouldn’t Adar do the same and follow Delton’s advice? He wouldn’t steer him wrong, that much he was certain of.

Before he could talk himself out of it again, he said, “Now that you’re here, angel, there’s something I want to tell you.”

Delton sat up straight.

“Okay,” Oliver whispered.

“Delton and I were talking about this, and he said I should tell you. Not that I ever wanted to keep it a secret from you, not deliberately, but I didn’t know how to say this.” Fuck, he was rambling, wasn’t he? And saying stupid shit, judging by the slight wince on Delton’s face. “The thing is…”

He groaned. How could he even find the words to bring this up? What if he said it all wrong and Oliver got upset?

A warm hand covered his, and when he looked up, Delton was smiling at him encouragingly. “Just say it, Adar.”

Right. Just say it. At least Delton was there in case things went wrong.

He blew out a breath. “I like pain. I like to be hurt. I know this sounds awful, and I’m so sorry. I wish it were different, especially knowing what you suffered, but I can’t help it. It’s how I’m wired.”

Oliver frowned. “Don’t understand.”

“What Adar is trying to say is that he’s someone who finds relaxation and release through physical pain of a very specific kind and in a controlled, safe environment,” Delton said. “He finds pain enjoyable, to a certain degree, provided it is within those boundaries.”

Damn, Delton had formulated that so much better than Adar ever could. The man was a magician with words.

Oliver blinked. “You like pain?”

Adar nodded. “I know it sounds awful and a little sick, but I can’t help it. I’ve been this way for years. A friend used to help me out, but he can’t do it anymore because he found his mates, so now I go to a club in the city.”

“For what?” Oliver still looked confused.

“It’s what’s called a BDSM club,” Delton said. “BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism. If those terms mean nothing to you, that’s okay. A lot of people aren’t familiar with them. At the core, it comes down to a dynamic of dominating versus submitting, but all in a strictly defined consensual relationship. Some people like to dominate others, and submissives like to obey someone else’s commands. Bondage has to do with tying people up. Sadism is about inflicting pain on others, whether physically or psychologically. And masochism is about enjoying that pain.”

“Like the Murphys?”

Delton firmly shook his head. “No, but I can see how you would come to that conclusion. The key word is consent, Oliver. BDSM requires consent from everyone involved, and it can never come from only one person. You didn’t choose that pain. You were hurt against your will. That has nothing to do with BDSM or with sadomasochism. What Adar craves is to submit himself to a Dominant, a Dom for short, who can inflict the kind of pain he finds pleasurable.”

Oliver turned toward Adar, his eyes wide. “Pain is pleasurable?”

“Not all pain. Just certain kinds. The kinds I choose to get from a Dom.”

“Like what?”

He hadn’t run away screaming, so Adar would take that as a win. At least Oliver was asking questions and trying to understand, right? But now he had to go into detail, and some of that might hit a little too close to home for Oliver. “I don’t know if I should tell you. I don’t want to stir up bad memories for you, angel.”

Oliver held up his hand as a sign Adar should wait, and he did. When Oliver got up and walked away, his heart squeezed painfully. Was he losing him already?

“He’s getting Fallon,” Delton said.

Fallon? Why would he get Fallon?

Fallon looked a bit bewildered as he came over, clearly not understanding either.

“Tell him,” Oliver said and walked away again, taking Fallon’s previous seat.

Wait, what? Adar had no idea what was happening.

“I think he wants us to tell Fallon so Fallon can decide if it’s something that would trigger him,” Delton said.

Ah, okay. That wasn’t a bad idea, actually.

“Tell me what?” Fallon asked. “Sorry, Oliver didn’t explain.”

“You may wanna take a seat,” Delton said. “This is not a two-minute conversation. Also, before we talk, I need to ask you first if you’re even okay with this. What we want to talk about could trigger you too.”

Fallon sighed and waved his hand. “I’m not triggered by anything. The bad memories are always there. They don’t get worse or better no matter what I talk about.”

Delton gestured at Adar. “You want to do the honors?”

Crap, now he had to go through the whole spiel again, although it was a little easier the second time, also because he’d paid attention to how Delton had explained it and now shamelessly stole some of his lines.

“Fuck.” Fallon rubbed his temples. “I can see why this would trigger Oliver.” He bit his lip. “Can you tell me details? What kind of pain are we talking about? Like getting beat up or something?”

“Not at all,” Adar said quickly. “It has to be a certain kind of pain. Rhythmic, with a specific intensity. Like with a paddle or a whip or even a belt.”

Fallon winced. “Gods, I can’t even…”

“I know you can’t, and I feel like an asshole trying to explain this to Oliver and you.” Adar didn’t know what else to say. How could he even begin to defend himself?

“The difference between what you guys went through and what he wants is⁠—”

“Consent,” Fallon said. “I can see the difference. It’s just that… I’ve been hit with a belt, and it’s incredibly painful. I have a hard time imagining that could feel good for someone.”

Delton sat up straight. “What if you could see it? What if you could see what it means to Adar?”

Fallon frowned. “How? Oh, you mean…”

“By observing him during a scene. That’s what it’s called—a scene. Because it has a clear beginning and end.”

What the ever-loving fuck was Delton doing? How could he suggest this, knowing what Fallon and Oliver had been through? Then again, the man was a trauma psychologist, so maybe Adar should trust him?

“Both of us or only me?” Fallon asked.

“Both, if Oliver’s open to it, but if not, you. It might help you see the difference with your own experiences.”

“But I don’t have a Dom here,” Adar said. “And I’m not taking them to the club.”

“That’s another problem, but one we can solve.” Delton’s confidence was inspiring, and deep inside Adar, hope bloomed.

Fallon bit his lip again, then slowly nodded. “I’ll need to talk about it with Duer and Yitro. See what they think. And with Oliver, of course. My first instinct is to say he shouldn’t watch, but I don’t know. Maybe you’re right, and it would be good for him.”

“Why don’t you talk it over and let us know?” Delton suggested.

Fallon narrowed his eyes. “Us? What’s your role in this?”

“He’s helping me navigate this,” Adar said. He didn’t want Delton to catch any flak for trying to help him. “I asked him to because he knows about stuff like this, and I was worried about Oliver’s reaction.”

Fallon looked from Delton to Adar and back. “Right. Okay.”

“So you’ll think about it?” Adar asked.

“I’ll let you know as soon as possible. But don’t get your hopes up about Oliver. I have no idea how he will react to this.”

That made two of them. But at least Adar had taken that first hurdle.