Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

They were going into their second full day of hanging out in the meeting barn. People only left to grab more food or bring in sleeping bags and mats, mattresses for the kids, and heaps of blankets. They slept on the floors, packed tightly, but no one complained. They were gone for mere minutes to take quick showers and change clothes, but they all kept coming back.

Delton felt it too, the pull to be here with everyone else. He wasn’t someone who enjoyed groups this large, but he couldn’t stay away. An invisible force kept him in place.

“It’s strange,” he said to Adar. “I don’t like crowds, yet I don’t want to leave. It’s like I know I’m needed here.”

“I think we all do.”

“Pack magic? Or clan magic?”

Adar shrugged. “Does it matter? Something is going on, and after a few years here in the pack, I’ve learned not to question my instincts. When my wolf tells me to stay, I stay.”

“True. Enough strange things have happened to roll with it.”

“Exactly.”

It didn’t escape Delton’s notice that Adar kept checking in with Oliver to make sure he was okay. Despite everything, Adar’s protective instincts for the omega dragon were endearing. “He’s lucky to have you.”

Oops, had that come out the wrong way? Would Adar see too much behind it?

But the alpha smiled at Delton. “It’s me who’s lucky.”

“I’ve thought a lot about our conversation.” Delton kept his voice low, though they were far enough away from everyone else that no one would overhear. “And I’ve done research.”

“Already?”

Delton shrugged, feigning indifference. “I found it an interesting case, so I did some digging into the roots of masochism.”

“Can it be cured?”

“It’s not a disease, Adar. Only when it becomes an obsession can it be unhealthy, but in itself, there’s nothing wrong with finding pleasure in pain.”

Adar’s face darkened. “Tell that to Oliver.”

“The difference is consent, as always. You choose the pain. You want it. That’s very different from being hurt against your will.”

“Maybe, but I don’t think Oliver will see it that way.”

Delton leaned forward. “For a moment, forget about Oliver. I know that’s hard, but humor me. If he wasn’t in the picture, would you still consider this a problem?”

Adar took his time answering. “Only because it’s a challenge that I don’t have anyone in the pack who can do it. When it was…my friend who did it, I was fine with it. I only told the clinic because after the attack, I was injured and had bruises and shit from the last session we did. I didn’t want them to jump to the wrong conclusions or for anyone to get into trouble, so they said they’d add it to my file.”

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t have an issue with it, per se. The only reason it’s a problem is that you fear Oliver will object to it.”

Adar frowned. “Hold on. You said because I fear Oliver would object to it. Are you saying you don’t think he will? Do you think he’d be okay with it?”

He had to be honest. “A slim chance, but yes. You don’t know how he will react unless you tell him. If I’ve learned one thing in my job, it’s that it’s dangerous to act out of what we think other people will do rather than verify if that would be their actual reaction. People keep surprising me, you know? Even people I thought I knew well.”

Adar stared at him for a long time as if he was searching Delton’s face for the truth. “I wouldn’t say I don’t have an issue with it at all if we, as you suggested, forget about Oliver for a moment. I’m sure you can imagine there’s some shame involved. It’s not an easy topic for me to talk about. Then again, I’m not a talker to begin with.”

“I know, and I appreciate you being so honest with me. When you say shame, what kind of shame do you mean?”

Adar let out a humorless laugh. “Oh, all different kinds. How about the fact that I’m an alpha who likes to be hurt? That in itself is embarrassing, not to mention that I like to bottom. I know, I know. The latter is not such a big deal in the pack, where multiple alphas make no secrets of their preferences. But in the club, that’s different. Even there, I always experience a level of humiliation when admitting it.”

“That surprises me a little, considering everyone who frequents that club must have unusual preferences, or they wouldn’t be there.”

“Technically, they don’t judge. And maybe they really don’t, and it’s all in my head, but it’s hard to let go of the sense of wrongness of what I’m doing. Like, an alpha like me shouldn’t be wanting that.”

“Except it’s not a matter of wanting, is it? It’s about needing, about fulfilling a deep craving that goes much deeper than finding something pleasurable.”

Adar hung his head. “Yeah.”

“I know this won’t make much of a difference to you, but I’m going to say it anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing about this is wrong or unnatural or perverse or whatever judging label you want to slap on it. It’s how you’re wired. It’s what you need to function.”

The alpha let out a long sigh. “You said that you might figure out why I need this? From something in my childhood?”

“Not so much why you needed it as how you came to discover this was working for you. You see, our brains are fascinating because they are very focused on pleasure. They will repeat actions that, for whatever reason and in whatever form, bring pleasure, a good feeling. At some point, there must’ve been an incident where you were feeling bad and discovered that pain made you feel better. Once your brain registered that, it figured it needed more of that. So you kept doing it, and now it’s a pattern, a craving.”

“But does that mean you can never unlearn that behavior? Am I stuck with this for the rest of my life?”

“Not necessarily, but changing neuro patterns is hard. It’s like…” What was the best analogy to describe it? “Have you ever played sports?”

Adar nodded. “Football. I was a wide receiver.”

“Perfect. You know the concept of muscle memory, right? If you train something often enough, it becomes ingrained. You don’t even need to think about it. Someone throws a football at you, and you catch it. It’s not even a conscious process anymore. Your body responds before you realize it, and you may even start running for the end line automatically. Does that sound familiar?”

Adar chuckled. “All too familiar. Our coach in high school always said we should be able to catch a ball in our sleep, and I don’t think he was kidding.”

“Exactly. What would it take for you to unlearn that pattern? If I asked you to stand outside while I threw balls at you and told you not to catch them, how much effort would that take? I bet you could do it as long as you thought about it consciously, as long as you were focused on not moving your arms. But as soon as you let go of that focus, you’d move. That’s the perfect analogy for your brain pattern. Yes, you can change it, but it takes a lot of mental energy and focus. It’s hard, especially if it’s a pattern that has existed for many years. Our brains don’t like change. In fact, they very much like for things to stay the same, so for a deeply ingrained pattern like that to change? That’s an uphill battle.”

Adar hunched his shoulders. “But if I can’t change it, what are my options? Do I hide this from Oliver for the rest of our lives? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“It’s not, and I would never recommend anyone do that. A lie like that would come between you at some point, and it might cause irreparable damage.”

“Then what?”

“I think it starts with telling Oliver the truth, with explaining to him why you need this. It’s the only way to gauge his reaction, and once you have that, you can decide on the next step.”

“What if he’s disgusted by it?”

“Do you believe you two are fated mates?”

This time, Adar’s answer came immediately. “No doubt about it. I’ve known from the second I saw him.”

How many times could a heart break? More than once, Delton found out, but he pushed the pain away. “If that’s the case, you have to have faith you two can work this out as well. It’s hard for me to imagine that if he’s truly your intended mate, he will judge you for something you crave so deeply. Does that make sense?”

“I guess, but it’s not like he’s in love with me. Not yet, anyway. I think he knows we’re mates too, but I wanted to give him time to heal from what he’s been through, you know? Not put any pressure on him. So we don’t have a relationship. We’re… I don’t know what we are. Some kind of friends, maybe? Is that enough to put in so much faith that we can overcome something this big?”

“I hear what you’re saying, but if you wait to tell him until you do have that relationship, until you two are in love with each other, wouldn’t it hit much harder if he found out then? Wouldn’t he feel betrayed that the man he fell for had hidden something so big from him?”

Adar closed his eyes and buried his head in his hands. “I know you’re telling the truth, but everything inside me is screaming not to tell him because I fear I could lose him forever.”

Delton had to weigh his words carefully. “If seeing the real you makes him walk away, you have to question whether you were fated mates to begin with.”

“It would be so much easier if I could just change this about myself. If I could just stop needing this.”

“How do you feel when it’s been too long?”

Adar looked up again. “Awful. I have this restlessness, like my skin is too tight. And my temper is way too close to the surface, as if I don’t have the grip on myself I usually do. I feel irritated, frustrated, angry. There are all these big emotions swirling inside me, and I can’t stop them, not until…” He let out another deep sigh. “Not until I can let go because the physical pain overrides everything else.”

“How long has it been?” It hadn’t escaped Delton’s attention that Adar had described it in the present tense, not as something hypothetical.

Adar groaned. “Too long. Three months. The longest I’ve ever been without. I need it badly, but I can’t bring myself to go to the club anymore. It feels like cheating on Oliver.”

Delton put his much smaller hand on top of Adar’s. “Then tell him. Take the risk and be honest with him. At least you’ll know where you stand, and once you do, you can determine your course of action.”

Adar looked sideways to where Oliver was sitting at a table with Fallon and the other dragon omegas. “I can’t lose him. I feel like I’ve waited forever to find him.”

“Then have faith in the strength of your feelings for him and your belief that your connection is meant to be.”

Adar met Delton’s eyes. “Will you be there when I tell him? Please?”

As if Delton could say no to this man. “Of course. I’ll be there for whatever you need.”