Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Adar had always considered himself a level-headed person. He was a man of action, someone who preferred a physical job, like the one he had now. Whether it was because of his dyslexia or because he was wired that way, he had no idea, but he’d never been all that interested in intellectual things. As a result, he took things as they came, not spending much time pondering the why questions of life.

But after the mission to the Doyle castle, after the powerful magic he had witnessed there, he was asking himself a lot of questions, all right. Miracles. He had seen miracles. There was no other word to describe it. The way Oliver and Fallon had dismantled the spell on that door…

He’d been worried sick, concerned they would overlook something and Oliver would get hurt. But they had done it, hadn’t they? Two little omegas had bested the black magic of a powerful man. A deep pride had filled Adar, mixed with an intense wave of gratitude.

It had cost Lucia her life, though. She might’ve been old, but she had deserved a kinder, gentler death than that. Adar had to believe her sacrifice would mean something. Hadn’t they seen that before with the wolves, that sacrificing yourself for the good of the pack—or, in this case, the clan—had powerful effects? Losing Jawon, Lidon’s cousin, in that brutal attack on the ranch had been a hard blow, but there was no denying his death had boosted the pack’s powers, maybe even made it possible for them to shift again. Would Lucia’s sacrifice have a similar effect? Time would tell.

On the long trek back, Oliver had been exhausted, and after he had stumbled and almost face-planted twice, Adar had asked him for permission to pick him up and carry him. Oliver had only hesitated briefly, then nodded. Adar had carried him the rest of the way, and even though his arms had hurt for hours afterward, it had been worth every second to hold his mate like that. Even better was that Oliver had fallen asleep against him, his head on Adar’s shoulder. That sign of trust meant the world to Adar.

But it also meant he needed a solution to his problem. He needed to talk to someone and get a second opinion on how to fix himself so he was worthy of Oliver, worthy of the trust his mate had put in him. And, of course, he could only think of one person who had the experience and the knowledge to help him. Plus, Delton knew both of them, so that helped too.

When he’d texted Delton, the man had asked him to stop by for lunch at noon, which worked for Adar. He had told Oliver he’d be busy for two hours and not to leave the house and, if he did, to alert Blair to accompany him. Oliver had looked surprised but had nodded, and Adar was certain he wouldn’t go against his advice. Oliver’s fear for the Murphys was far too deep to be that stupid.

On his way over to Delton, Adar picked up some delicious homemade sandwiches from Lev that he had requested earlier. “I brought lunch,” Adar said when Delton opened the door.

“Oh. Okay. I wasn’t counting on that, but thank you.”

Adar chuckled at Delton’s expression. “No worries, I didn’t make them. Lev did. And yes, you’re allowed to look relieved.”

Delton laughed sheepishly. “Sorry. It’s just that your lack of culinary skills is well known.”

“And with reason. So I don’t take offense.”

“Is it okay if we sit outside?” Delton asked. “It’s such beautiful weather, and I’ve found a lovely spot under the trees to sit and relax.”

“Are you sure no one will be able to listen in?”

“Wouldn’t you see them coming before they could hear anything?”

He had a point. And to be fair, Adar preferred sitting outside to being stuck in Delton’s cozy but small office. “Okay.”

They set off to the place Delton had indicated, and Adar had to admit it was perfect. The big tree provided enough shade, and the lush grass was a soft natural cushion.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Adar said after a few minutes.

“I gathered as much since you don’t make a habit of inviting me for lunch.”

“The lunch part was your idea. I just asked to talk to you. But yes.”

“What’s on your mind?”

Adar took a deep breath. “Oliver.”

“Tell me more.”

“After his heat, we returned to the way things had been before, barely speaking and me protecting him from a distance.”

“Was that at his request? Or yours?”

Adar frowned. “I don’t think it was at anyone’s request. We just fell back into that pattern, and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to put pressure on him, so the ball has to be in his court.”

“That’s a great approach on your end, Adar.”

He waved that praise away. “If that’s something I should be praised for, the bar is really low. Maybe it is, especially after what the Murphys did, but… I’d like to think this is not more than normal.”

“I agree, but the sad truth is that it’s still an exception. Not in this pack, but in the rest of the world, it is. Few alphas would have the patience you have with him.”

“Oliver’s worth it,” Adar said simply. “If I believe he’s my mate, I should also have the patience to wait until he’s ready for me. And in the meantime… In the meantime, I want to make sure I’m ready for him as well.”

“In what sense?”

Now came the hard part. “Are you familiar with impact play?”

Delton froze for only a second. “You’re talking about BDSM.”

“In a way, yes, though I wouldn’t necessarily call it that.”

“Is that something you’re into? Are you a sadist?”

His assumption wasn’t illogical, yet it stung. Every time Adar was reminded of the role he played in this, of the position he preferred, it hurt a little. That had to be his alpha pride. “Yes, I am into impact play… But I’m not a sadist. I guess I’m a masochist, although that’s another word I don’t identify with. I’m just… I like to be hurt. It centers me. And I do like to bottom from time to time. Not always, but I often combine it with impact play.”

“I see.” Delton was quiet for a while. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but am I correct in assuming you see the same problems I do with how this affects your relationship with Oliver?”

“Yeah.”

“How often do you engage in it?”

Adar shifted, looking away from Delton. “It used to be once a month, back when I had a… a friend who was willing to do this for me. But he’s no longer available, so now I have to rely on finding someone in the city. It’s now every three months or so.”

“Is that enough? You said it centers you.”

“It’s not, but I have little choice. I can’t get away more often… Especially now that Oliver is here.”

“Does he know about this?”

“Fuck no. I wouldn’t know where to begin in explaining this to him. Can you imagine? Me, this big alpha, telling him I enjoy having done to me what brought him such trauma. He would never talk to me again.”

“I wouldn’t go quite that far, but I agree he’d probably have issues with it.”

Adar sighed. “And with reason. It’s fucked up.”

“It’s not. It’s something consensual that brings you pleasure and release. That is not fucked up.”

“With all due respect, but we both know that’s not how Oliver will see it. After what he’s been through, having this done to me voluntarily is fucked up. There’s no way around it.”

“I still don’t agree with that classification, but I see what you mean. It is hard to explain to him. The obvious difference, of course, is consent and intent. You want this, are asking for it, and within strict boundaries, I assume. I take it you’re doing this at a club?”

Adar nodded. “And we play by the club’s rules, which means clear boundaries, safewords, and all that stuff.”

“Does it always include sex? Or is the impact play in itself enough?”

Delton was asking all the right questions, confirming he was the perfect person to talk to. Moreover, Adar hadn’t detected a hint of judgment in his voice. “It does, but that’s also at my request. It’s the pain that centers me and helps me unwind. The sex is… I guess you could say it’s a bonus. That’s for my pleasure.”

“Can you describe a typical scene to me? What would that look like?”

Adar dragged a hand through his hair. “It depends on how desperate I am, but if it’s been a while, I request the whip. There is one Dom at the club who is a master with it, and one hour with him is enough to keep me grounded for weeks. But I’ve also done other things, like crops and paddles and, I don’t know, whatever implement is handy. Isam always used…”

Shit. He hadn’t meant to say his name. Adar had promised Isam he would never talk about it with anyone else. They knew at the clinic, but that was because he’d wanted them to be aware in case he was ever brought in for something else and they saw the bruises.

“I will never repeat this to anyone,” Delton said softly. “You have my word, Adar.”

“That’s not it. I promised him I’d keep it a secret. I’m not sure if his mates know.”

“They won’t find out from me. That secret is safe with me.”

Adar dragged in a shaky breath. “I know. It’s just… I’m not usually that sloppy with things like this.”

“It’s okay. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Anyway, you said your friend always used something else?”

“His belt. He had this thick leather belt he used, and it was perfect. He also…” Adar cleared his throat. “He liked to fuck me. You know, the rough kind of sex that is hard to have with anyone else but another alpha. I would never do that with Oliver. Even if he hadn’t been, you know, abused and everything. An omega can’t take that, but I can, and Isam knew that. We both got off on it.”

“It sounds like you had a mutually satisfactory arrangement. I’m sorry for you that it ended.”

Adar shrugged. “It’s hard for me to be upset when the reason was that he found his mates. And it would’ve had to end anyway, what with me discovering Oliver was my mate.”

“He’ll never be able to give you this. Not the pain, but also not that kind of sex.”

“I know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I need you to help me find a way to not want it anymore, to not need to center myself. How do I teach myself to get rid of my stress in another way? To release that tightness inside me in another way?”

“I don’t know if that’s possible.”

Adar spun his head sideways. “What do you mean?”

“Your preference for impact play is how you’re wired. I mean, we’d have to dig a little deeper to see if anything in your past led you to first find relaxation that way, but it’s an established pattern by now. I’m not sure that can be changed.”

Panic filled Adar. “But I have to. There has to be a way. I can’t be with Oliver and need this. He’ll never understand.”

Delton put his hand on Adar’s. “We’ll find a solution. I promise.”

But that assurance only partially doused the flames of panic burning inside Adar. What if he lost Oliver over this? What if his fucked-up needs would forever be what kept them apart?