22. Wrenlee

22

WRENLEE

" W ren, wake up."

Someone is shaking me. I try to push the hand away. I don't want to wake up. I'm so tired. Blackness surrounds me and it's comforting in the absolute emptiness of it. I don't want to open my eyes. I don't remember why, right now, but I know that waking up is a terrible thing.

"Come on Wren. Wake up. Shit. You've made one hell of a mess. We have to figure this out."

"Is she okay? Should I go get the doctor?" another voice.

I know these voices, but can't recall how or why. I do know, right now, they are really annoying. Like a pest buzzing in my ear. Demanding I wake up when all I want to do is sleep. Maybe forever.

"No, not yet. Wren. Honey, come on. Fuck, wake up would you?"

Something wet and cold splashes on my face and I'm jerked out of the black comfort. I try to sit up and crack my head on the low ceiling over my bed cubby.

"Ouch, shit," I grouse. "What? What is so important?"

I rub my eyes, trying to get the sleep out of them but my head throbs with pain and they don't want to focus. I blink several times until Saylor's face swims into focus inches from my own.

"Are you awake?" Saylor asks, grabbing onto both of my shoulders.

"I am now," I say, slipping out of my cubby. I move away from her to the wash basin and rinse my face then realize there is no towel. "Damn it."

"Here," Iris says.

I take the towel she's holding out and pat my face dry. I miss coffee. Of all the things that we lost in the crash, coffee is the worst. Well, that's not really true, is it? Ziva and all the other lives are the worst, but coffee does rank on the list somewhere.

Face dry and eyes finally focusing, I turn to the other two women and arch an eyebrow. They stare with that kind of look that lets you know without any doubt that they have bad news to share. Really bad news and now that it's time to say it, they don't know how.

"Well, spit it out," I prod.

Saylor swallows, lowers her head, then raises it back so she is meeting my eyes.

"What happened last night?" she asks.

And just like that the world caves in. Again. My shoulders tense as the weight of it comes back and darkness fills my thoughts. I did what I had to do. Sek'su deserves better than me playing him along. Any other guy, sure, but not him.

It couldn't be. That's all. I did the right thing.

I dart a glance from Saylor to Iris. This is supposed to be a secret between the two of us, why did she bring Iris to our room? Something is niggling at my thoughts. I'm missing something. Something big, but what? What happened while I slept?

Then I remember. The crowd. Their cloying hands. The smell of them, sweat, and dirt fills my nostrils as strongly as it did last night. The saccharin sweetness of their voices until I refused their help when they turned venomous and biting. As fast as I might flip a switch.

"What's going on?" I ask. "What has happened?"

Iris and Saylor exchange a look that tells me everything I need to know except the details. The exact form of it probably doesn't matter, but I know. The rumor mill has gone into overtime and this time it's not in my favor. Emery has won. Or is close to it.

"Tell me. Everything," I demand.

Saylor closes her eyes and inhales deeply. Iris drops her head as she turns her gaze to the small fire in the middle of the room.

"It will be easier if we understand," Saylor says. "What happened last night?"

Anger flashes and I want to scream at her to quit stalling. I stop it before the words slip off my tongue, if only barely. Clenching my jaw I push down on the rage that is trying to break free. Why can no one leave me alone? Is my grief not enough? Do I need all this too?

"I did what we decided I should do," I say with a pointed glance at Iris.

"Shit," Saylor says.

"Shit what? What does that even mean?"

"Emery knows," Saylor says. "Everyone knows."

"What? How?"

"You… ran into a group of… people," Iris says, acting as if she is choosing each word carefully and precisely.

My memory of them and what exactly happened is dim. Sleep and misery fog my brain. Nothing is clear but I do remember the group. They were touching, stopping me from coming home.

"Yeah…" I say, trailing off as I try to remember the details. I rub my temples trying to ease the pressure. They look at me waiting for me to put it together. Then it clicks. "Oh. Shit."

"Yeah. They figured out what you'd done," Iris says.

"Apparently they heard… well, uhm, Sek'su was quite loud in his… disappointment?"

"What do you mean?" I ask but I know before she says it.

My heart is shattering over and over, with every beating it breaks again.

"He was… wailing? I guess…" Saylor says, shrugging and shaking her head.

"Wailing?"

I try not to cry. I try really, really hard but there is no stopping it. The tears explode from my eyes like water breaking through a dam. I'm sobbing, unable to catch my breath, sniffling, and tears flowing free.

They close around me and offer what comfort they can. I soak their shoulders with my tears unable to talk and even if I could, what do I say? I hate this. I hate myself most of all. I started this because I was a self-centered idiot girl without a clue what anything was really about. Why I was ever handed the power to set trends is beyond me.

Now I finally find something that I truly think might be real and I can't have it. And why? Because of some stupid, ignorant comments I made years ago. Words created this cage, but I don't see how to break it. Emery is going to use this to tear me down. If I lose my place, then what am I? Who am I?

"It's okay," Saylor murmurs again. "It will all work out."

"No," I say, as my tears finally run dry. I'm still fighting sobs, but they're diminishing. "It won't work out on its own. I have to do something." Saylor and Iris look at each other. "What? What else?"

"She's already pushing the rumors," Iris says.

"That you fucked an animal," Saylor fills in the gap.

I close my eyes but the sadness recedes in favor of something more. Anger, but not really. Anger is hot, this is cold. This is icy. This is the Ice Queen ready to reclaim her crown. The cold chill spreads from my core and out across my limbs.

"We have to go to work," I say. "How bad is it?"

They exchange another nervous glance.

"It's… bad," Iris says.

"The rumor spread like wildfire. You know, a lot of people don't care, but those that do…" Saylor says.

"Those that do, do," I say, narrowing my eyes. "The vestiges of Gershom and his idiotic rhetoric…"

I tap one finger against my chin.

"We could… ignore it?" Iris says, making it a question because she knows as well as I do that ignoring it isn't going to be possible.

"No, this needs to be confronted," I say. "The crown is mine. She wants to come after it, I won't give up this easy."

"But how?" Saylor asks.

"I don't know," I say, drying my tears with the backs of my hands. "But one way or another, I will win. I am the Ice Queen and she won't be enough to stop me."

"Yeah!" Iris cheers. Saylor and I look at her and her cheeks flush. "Sorry."

"No," I say. "You're right. We're going to win and then we'll celebrate. But first… he was wailing? Tell me… everything."

I don't want to know how badly I hurt him. I really don't, but at the same time, I have to know. They tell me all about it and the more they talk, the worse I feel. How can this not be real? I've never cared how badly I hurt a boy before, but now I can't quit thinking about him and what I did.

Emery is the only thing still standing in my way from claiming what is mine. And make no doubt about it, because with adversity comes certainty, he is mine.