Chapter 24

Chapter

Twenty-Four

PATCH

S till holding the bottle of water I'd hurled at him, McQuade eyed me. No smile touched his lips, nor any teasing expression on his face. Good. I wasn't kidding.

This wasn't funny.

"All right," McQuade said slowly, his guarded gaze fixed on me. "We good now?"

Are we good now?

Are we…

My headache surged as I clamped my teeth together before I said anything more.

McQuade set the water bottle down on the little kitchenette counter as he took a couple of steps in my direction. Neither Remy nor Locke moved. It would almost be funny, if anything about this situation was laughable, how still they'd both gone.

"I get that you're pissed, Sugar Bear. But it was important for me to get this info."

His next step put me in arm's reach and I took a step back and to the side, retreating, but also regrouping. Arms folded, I fought to keep my expression neutral. Probably failed at it, because right now, I was anything but neutral.

McQuade exhaled a long breath. "Tell you what. Let me debrief. I was filling the guys in but you disconnected before I could read you in."

My stony silence would just have to serve as all the permission I was going to give him. I absolutely did not trust myself to speak.

"I know who was behind your kidnapping. I'm eighty percent certain I have the right person, whether they were the driving force of it or they were merely following orders—it was him ."

I was very happy for him to have found the answer. It might have been useful if I'd been in on the conversation. Still, I kept it all battened down tight. I was in danger of losing control on all fronts.

That wouldn't be good for anyone.

"His name is Abdias Stone, he's a former general. Storied legend in a lot of circles, with more redactions in his file than commendations." McQuade planted his hands on his hips as he continued speaking. "He and my father served in the same unit when they were younger. That kind of thing leads to lifelong friends. It did for them, for a time. I give my father a lot of shit, but he has limits. Section Five was about at the edge of what he would sanction for national security. Abdias Stone wanted to take it a hell of a lot further."

Considering what I'd been pulling out of Section Five and MadOg, it sounded like he already had. Was he the poison pill in the agency that deviated from its primary mission?

"He's here. He's got people working for him, former military from the look of them. Probably washouts, cause they weren't really up to my standards." He gave a careless shrug as he motioned to his face. "I let them beat on me while he asked his questions. You can learn a lot about what people are up to if you let them direct the conversation."

A flicker of amusement skated along the edges of my irritation. I was familiar with the technique. The gleam in his eyes seemed almost hopeful before he folded his arms. No, I was not ready to forgive him this particular transgression.

"Can you access the information you took? I know you said it would be tricky, but I want to nail this son of a bitch. My gut knows it's him, but we need hard evidence."

"If she does," Locke said, interrupting for the first time since the debrief began. "It could make her far more vulnerable."

It would make all of us vulnerable. They wanted it back in hand if possible or destroyed if not. I could make copies though. So many copies. Send it around the world. This wasn't the kind of evidence that sent people to jail.

No, this was the kind that derailed careers, forced Congressional hearings, and scandals. Someone would fall on their sword and take the heat, then it would all be quietly mopped up and everyone would get back to work.

I used to believe in fairy tales, but I was a hell of a lot more pragmatic now.

"She's vulnerable now," McQuade said, evenly, not taking his gaze off of me. "You are, Sugar Bear. You're the best at what you do and we wouldn't have gotten this far without you. I'm not asking you to present the evidence to the world, I just want confirmation. I'm happy to take him out right now, the suspicion is enough to make me scrub him off the board. Trust me when I say he deserves it."

"But he wants to make sure you're safer if he does it," Remy said, adding his own thoughts to the mix. "I can't say it's a bad plan. I wasn't planning to put any of your captors or former employers in jail anyway."

"Nope," McQuade said. "I want them scratched off permanently. Dead men can't come after you again."

My throat closed at the absolute conviction in their voices. Even more at the passion filling McQuade's eyes. He meant it. They all did. The emotion clawing its way through me wouldn't be denied.

Eyes burning, I turned away for the first time since they'd entered. Hot tears splashed onto my cheeks before I could stop them. Pressing a heel of my hand to my right eye, I fought the overwrought reactions shattering what little control I'd managed to cobble together.

It was like someone ripped open all the compartments where I'd shoved my fear, my loneliness, and the what-ifs from my life before, and they were spilling out everywhere. Walking away from that existence had been the hardest thing I'd ever done.

I'd survived it by building a new identity and these three men had become vital to me. Their survival, getting them through their missions, being there for them…

It mattered.

I was rapidly losing the struggle against the worry that surged past the barriers I'd erected. Tears slid down my face and I couldn't get a deep breath. Hands closed on my arms and McQuade dragged me back against him.

He was just there, surrounding me like an impenetrable wall and the sob I'd been trying to smother broke. Jagged cracks spread like spiderwebs through the dense ice I'd tried to use to keep the world away.

"Sugar Bear," he said, the growl in his voice giving way to something far softer. I'd never wanted to grasp onto something so much in my life and I shouldn't. "I'm here," he said and the weight of his cheek pressed against my temple as he kept me wrapped up tight.

"We're going," Remy said, and it seemed to come from a great distance. "You have this?"

Something taut inside of me snapped.

"I have it, and her. Figure out the Reynolds guy."

"I don't know if?—"

"Fuck off, Locke," McQuade snarled the order, the hot tears pouring out of me seemed to slash at the cracks, melting the ice. "I have her. If I think—" All at once he cut himself off, then he was lifting me upward and I couldn't even see him for the tears blurring my vision. "If she asks for you…I'll get you."

The last was a concession, even I could hear it. But I couldn't get the sobbing to stop. The ragged emotions were done being bottled. They kicked open every compartment, scattering their debris everywhere.

Facing McQuade abruptly, I realized our heads were almost on the same level. No, he was carrying me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and dug my nails into his shoulders.

"I've got you," he said, and it gradually sank in that he was saying it over and over. When he sat down, he parked me in his lap. Not even his coaxing could get me to lift my head from where I cried against his throat. "I've got you."

Bit by bit, he let me cry and just rubbed slow circles against my back. My eyes were swollen and sore, my nose kept running. I had the hiccups and I was all snotty. I hated this. Trying to wipe at my face with my sleeve, I couldn't seem to get any of it to dry.

"Here," he said, grasping my chin gently when I would have tried to look away. With care, he dabbed at my eyes and my nose. The fabric was much softer than the scratchier edge of my sweatshirt. "Sugar Bear…"

The long sigh had me swallowing another set of sobs. The handkerchief he had was cotton and the more he dabbed at my face, the clearer my vision grew. I almost laughed when he wiped my nose.

There was something so deeply moving about how he stared at me. This giant of a man was so big, and he filled every space he was in. Yet, in this moment, he wrapped all that size around me and it didn't make me feel small at all.

It made me feel safe .

"You going to look at me again?" The quiet question pulled my gaze up to meet his. My eyes really hurt. "There she is…"

He seemed to be searching for something, but I really had no idea what. The release of so much emotion left me—aching and empty. Like I'd lanced some wound and now it needed to heal.

Concern tightened his expression.

"I hate crying," I admitted in a voice better suited to a croaking frog. "I always get swollen eyes and a shiny nose, I look terrible ."

"No, you don't," he said, lying at me with a straight face. "I mean, the nose might be a little shiny, but it's not like Rudolph shiny."

I blinked at him.

"And the eyes? Well…maybe if you were really into the makeup thing, you'd have these black smudges, but right now they just look a little red and puffy. The stormy gray there makes me think we just got caught in a thunderstorm."

Now I just stared.

He raised his eyebrows. "Too much?"

"I have no idea what to do with you," I admitted.

"Anything you want, Sugar Bear. Especially if it will make you feel better and not cry anymore."

I snorted, which was damn hard with my sinuses all stuffed up and he offered up that handkerchief all nice and polite.

"You maybe want to tell me what's going on in there?" He touched two fingers to my temple then pushed some of the hair back and tucked it behind my ear.

"I don't know," I said, being as honest as I could be. "I didn't even expect this until it happened."

"Okay, well let's try it this way. What happened?"

The bruises on his face were darkening from the red marks to something more blackish-purple. They just added to his fierceness. The longish hair that he'd had pulled back from his face earlier, spilled around him now, kind of like a Viking, and his beard had felt soft whenever he rubbed his cheek against my temple.

Nothing about this man said gentle, caring, or kind. Nothing. Not his voice. His physical presence or the brutal, sheer violence I knew he was capable of, and yet… he was also the man who came in to hold me when I had bad dreams and would stay awake to chase them off when they came.

He was also sitting here with me in his lap. While I didn't think it was possible to make himself small, he was doing something.

"You went—you went off comms. You didn't give me any time, you just shut it off and you were in a no camera zone. I couldn't see you. I couldn't back you up." Every word was like pulling out a piece of my own soul and slapping it down. "I'm compromised on every level. I can't do my job if you don't let me, and I can't watch out for you when you go off book."

I licked at the salt on my lips. A tear escaped from the corner of my eye and slid down my cheek. I could barely feel it but his gaze traced the path.

"I hate this—it's not like you haven't done it before. In the field, in far more violent situations, you go in alone all the time but you were out there…" I swallowed that hard lump in my throat. "You were out there without Locke or Remy or me… and you got hurt ."

"It's just a few bruises," he said, dismissing it and I punched his shoulder. Fuck he was so damn dense. The blow hurt my hand and I had to shake it off. "Sugar Bear… don't…"

"Don't what?" I demanded as he caught my hand. He pressed a kiss to my protesting knuckles. His beard teased my skin. "Don't freak out?"

He winced. "Clearly," he said slowly. "I could have handled that better. But really, I'm fine… It's not like I got shot or anything." The chuckle was there, just beneath the words. Faint, but present.

I yanked my hand out of his and I slapped his shoulder. That still hurt but not as bad as my knuckles had. "It's not funny. I couldn't help you. I didn't know what was happening and all I could do was wait and when I finally couldn't wait anymore, you were already hurt."

The fleeting smile on his face registered as he caught my hand, but he sobered. "Sugar Bear— Fallon ." It was the command on my name that quieted the emotion that was boiling up again. "I was fine. I knew what I was doing. I'm sorry I didn't give you more warning. You're right, I should have. Hell… I could have probably taken you in with me."

That…that helped . "But you didn't."

"No," he said slowly. "I didn't. Because Stone is an ugly part of my past. He's fucking crazy. The worst kind, because he's a damn true believer of his idiocy. Fanatical. I didn't want him anywhere near you, not even second hand."

I swallowed around another lump. "But I can't protect you if I'm not there and I'm not going to judge you by the people in your past. I worked for them, remember?"

"Yeah," he said slowly, his voice deepening again. "I know you did and I know they hurt you. You didn't know you were working for them. The trouble is, I saw the problem. It took me time to put distance between me and them, but I did know. I just walked away instead of fixing it."

The tangle of emotion housed in those words trapped me.

"I didn't do anything to stop it, Sugar Bear. If I had…maybe you would never have been dragged into all of this. Maybe… maybe you would have been safe. That's… that's on me. I should have done something. I didn't then, I am now."

"Maybe I wouldn't know you right now," I pointed out. "Or Locke or Remy."

He grumbled. "I don't care about them so much."

"Yes you do," I countered. "You like baiting them and fighting with them."

"Don't tell them that," he ordered, not denying it.

"I won't," I said. "Your secrets are always safe with me."

He fisted my hair suddenly and his gaze pinned mine. "I know they are, but you need to understand I'm always going to choose you. You first. You need to be safe. Nothing else is as important as that and if I have to burn the whole fucking operation down, and my father with it, I will. You matter more than anything."

"Together," I said, trying to not face the depth of that confession or what it did to me. "We do this together, John. We have to. I know there are things that I don't remember… I am seeing some of it. Images. Feelings. They're right there, like on the tip of my tongue and then they slip away. But secrets and lies, they destroy everything they touch. You can't do this without me. If you cut me out—I'll leave."

I met him glare for glare.

It wasn't an empty threat.

"We do this together," I told him. "That means I'm with you. Every step of the way. You want to put me first, that means you have to let me help. Because it hurts too damn much to be left out and if anything happened to you…"

My stomach dropped. It made me sick to even think about it. But I held his fierce stare and then he dragged me forward and kissed me. The hard pressure of his mouth on mine demanded a response and I bit down on his lip before he thrust his tongue at mine. He tugged my head back.

This wasn't a duel or a fight. This wasn't even a battle of wills. It was passion, pure, hot, and blinding.

"Goddamn it," he whispered against my lips. "You're not going to take no for an answer."

"No," I told him. "To any part of this. I want you. I want to be there… I'm in or I'm out. Which is it?"

My lips tingled, my heart hammered, and the tears that had slid free earlier dried under the ferocious heat pouring off him.

"In," he snarled and then he flipped me around until I was on the bed and he was over me. I didn't even know when we made it here or where the guys were.

I didn't care right now either, because John pounced and he blotted out the rest of the world.