37. EDDIE

Chapter thirty-seven

EDDIE

A s I stood in the bustling terminal of JFK Airport, the prospect of my returning home for the weekend filled me with a weird mixture of emotions. I was certainly looking forward to seeing Jared.

He had been texting me all week with excited updates of his plans to move to New York: he had no end of online friends who turned out to live in Manhattan and were dying to show him around; he had very clear ideas of what he wanted to change in the apartment; he asked me whether I could add him to my gym membership. I had to Google whether fifteen-year-olds can even join gyms.

Uncle Frank had been looking after Jared while I was away, and I got the sense that he was coming around to the idea of him moving away with me. But of course, there were many things to sort out, clearing Megan's house and dealing with the last of her estate, as well as Jared's education. But more than that, there was the possibility that I would see Max.

I wanted to see him, but I knew it was better that I did not.

He had been texting me – said the things that I should have wanted him to say – but I knew it was madness. Besides, I was now moving to New York, and re-engaging with him was not only going to hurt me but also was pointless. We were going to be living in totally different parts of the country.

I checked my boarding pass and made my way through security, then waited around until it was time to fly.

Eventually, I boarded the plane and wondered how many more times I would make this journey. What if Jared settled in brilliantly and didn't want to come back? What were the chances we'd never go back? Realistically, as fond as I was of Frank and even Julianne, we might hardly ever return.

And then I would never see Max again, either. That icicle in my heart was back.

***

When I got to the airport, Frank had already pulled up to the curb outside the airport in the Arrivals pickup, as he had the day I had arrived, when Megan first died. I emerged from the terminal with my bag over my shoulder. I saw his car, and he raised his hand to me in the same taciturn way he had that first day.

Slipping into the passenger seat, I greeted Uncle Frank with a soft hello, which he returned precisely the same.

"How's Jared been?" I asked.

Uncle Frank's eyes twinkled with affection for the boy.

"He's a good boy, Eddie," he replied. "Busy with school, full of New York, you know how he is." I nodded but felt a sense of relief. "How are you holding up?" my uncle asked.

I shrugged, a faint smile on my face, a bit noncommittal.

"Doing okay," I replied. I wasn't sure I was, but I wasn't going to discuss anything with my Uncle Frank.

"When do you go back to New York?"

"I'm only here for the weekend."

He pursed his lips, looking very serious. I settled back in my seat.

We drove back to Megan's place. When I got into the house, I found Jared lying on the couch, playing a video game on the TV. The moment he saw me, he threw the handset down and jumped up to his feet.

"Eddie!" he exclaimed, moving toward me. I scooped him up in a tight hug, and he squeezed me back.

"It's so great to see you," I said. "I really missed you."

He gave a goofy groan.

"It's only been a few days!"

But I knew he was happy I'd said it. He was grinning from ear to ear.

Only gradually I realized there was an aroma of charcoal and meat cooking. Frank was behind me.

"Julianne is doing a barbecue to welcome you home."

I had forgotten she had been talking about doing it. I walked out through the kitchen and out onto the back porch. As soon as I hit the outside, I saw Julianne and Auntie Rita, her mom, bustling about a put-up table filled with food, preparing an evening's festivities. Warm greetings filled the air, and they each came forward and briefly kissed my cheek and asked how I was.

My eyes fell upon the spread before me – pickles, chips, hamburger rolls, cans of beer in an icy bucket, and a pitcher of lemonade.

"It feels good to be home," I mused aloud as Jared came over to my side. Despite the bittersweet fact that this reunion was only temporary, I felt it sincerely at that moment.

We had a nice couple of hours, just hanging out as a family. A few other relatives emerged, and Julianne texted a few of her friends and invited them over, too, so that focus was pulled from Jared and me.

My nephew and I went to sit alone up on the porch, bathed in the soft glow of the coming evening light. Jared's gaze wandered over the yard. He and his mom lived there a long time, but soon those trees, those creepers, bushes, and flowers would be gone. He would be living a new life in New York. We both would, I supposed, given mine would be transformed too.

"I'll miss this house," he murmured, his voice tinged with a light sadness. Then he shrugged. "But it never was our house, and the landlord was going to sell it anyway. Mom would have had to find somewhere else."

I gave him a small smile. There was such wisdom in his young head.

"It's good to be unsentimental sometimes," I conceded. "When I left this city, I did my best to miss nothing. I just wanted to get away."

"And now, Eddie?"

I sighed.

"I don't want to come back, but I see that there are things here that I have missed." I ruffled his hair. He hated it, being too old for such things now, and that was part of the game. "Family. I missed family."

He grinned.

"You'll have a new family now, right in your apartment." He lifted his arms above his head, like his team had just scored. " Me !"

I laughed.

"Lucky me…" I drawled.

His eyes softened, became sincere.

"Max told me how lucky I am to have you."

The mention of his name clawed at me a little.

"Man," I sighed. "You are such a great kid. Seriously, it's me who's the lucky one. Life did a crappy thing to us, and we decided to make the best of it, didn't we?"

"Yeah," he said, with a faint emotion in his voice. Jared looked at me very intently then, his eyes searching mine. "Have you spoken to Max lately?"

I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"A few texts," I said, explaining nothing else, and certainly not that Max had texted me, but I had not replied. Still, he gazed at me. "We aren't really speaking," I confessed.

Jared's brow furrowed.

"You guys had a fight?"

I felt awkward talking about it.

"Kinda."

I shook my head, a bitter laugh escaping me.

"It's not worth falling out over," he said. I offered him a half-smile, but I felt such sadness at that moment. Until then, I had been alone in my decision not to continue with him, but now, talking about it with someone saying I might be wrong, I found my certainty wavering.

"Never mind," I said, hopeful about changing the subject.

I looked back at the yard but in the corner of my eye, I could see that Jared's gaze remained on me.

"My generation has this thing when you are just gay for someone," he said. "You mostly like girls, say, but there's this one guy you can be gay for. Do you know what I mean?"

I turned back to look at him and blinked in surprise.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" I asked, not sure if this was him coming out to me, but he just laughed.

"No, not me, idiot!" he cried. "Max. Max is gay for you."

I felt such shock that he had said it.

"Jared, I don't think we should talk about this."

"Why not?" he insisted. "When we move to New York, if you get a boyfriend, we'd have to talk about that. Do you think I won't notice if you have some guy sleeping over?"

I really didn't want to talk about this.

"Jared!"

"So why can't that guy be Max?"

"Okay, you're being very cool but enough," I cried. "Enough!"

Jared shot me a playful look, but then he grew more serious.

"Max is gay for you; it's obvious to anyone," he said slowly. "Do you want to leave here with me and never see him again over some dumb argument?"

Just at that moment, I heard Frank's voice calling,

"Eddie! Jared! Come down here. We're going to have a family photo!"

Jared didn't even look back at me and sauntered down the porch steps into the back yard. Frank was staring at his own phone.

"Now, how are we going to do this?" my uncle wondered aloud, and Jared sighed with all the impatience of youth.

"Uncle Frank, you just put it on a timer."

"It has a timer?" came the reply.

I smiled. I watched Jared fiddling with the phone and put it on the top of a fence, from which it could capture the whole group.

"Eddie! Come on!" he cried. "Get in the shot!"

The evening air was so warm as I moved out of the porch and into the late sunlight. I went and threw my arm around my nephew.