14. MAX

Chapter fourteen

MAX

W e gathered around Eddie's laptop, the glow of the screen drawing us into the DoorDash pizza options.

Eddie paused, scrolling over the vegetarian options, his lips pursed thoughtfully.

"Hmm, maybe I'll go for the veggie one," he mused.

"Gross," Jared said. "Tip some ground beef and bacon on it, and we'll talk."

I didn't even need to look at the choices.

"Double pepperoni and a Coke. Not Diet."

Eddie laughed.

"Carbs and protein for the gym," he said, his eyes going down across my shoulders and chest. "What are you having, Jared?" he asked his nephew.

Jared leaned in closer to look at the screen but then stood up and nodded at me.

"I'll have what Max is having," he declared, trying to keep it a bit cool.

"Alright then, double pepperoni times two it is," I said.

But just as quickly, Jared hesitated.

"Or maybe… Hawaiian?"

Eddie shook his head, a bemused smile on his lips.

"Pineapple on pizza, Jared? Now, that's gross."

Jared shrugged, his shoulders lifting nonchalantly.

"Don't knock it till you try it."

"Oh, yeah," Eddie drawled, "straight out of Naples."

"Naples, Florida," I joked.

"Are you joining Max for the double pepperoni or not?" Eddie asked his nephew.

Jared's eyes fell on me.

"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, definitely."

***

As we waited for the pizza to arrive, we sat around the kitchen table. Jared suggested we put on some music, playing it from his phone. "Guys like us gotta have some tunes while we wait for our food, right?"

"You gonna play us what you like?" I asked.

He gave me an uncertain, boyish glance.

"Nah, you choose, Max. I bet you have good taste."

He handed me his phone and said I should use his Spotify. He stood at my shoulder as I did it. As I searched and scrolled, focusing on grunge and hard rock albums, Jared couldn't help but comment, "Don't you use playlists?"

"Oh, man, you're the generation that killed the album," I said.

Jared laughed.

"Sorry, Granddad."

"You got from grunge and indie from the '90s?"

He took the phone from my hand and began to look for things. Finally, he settled on a '90s alternative rock playlist. He listed some songs:

"‘Smells Like Teen Spirit' by Nirvana. ‘Wonderwall' by Oasis. ‘Black Hole Sun' by Soundgarden. ‘Creep' by Radiohead. Man, these are some gloomy titles. ‘Cheer up, dude.'"

I laughed a little.

"Have you ever heard of these bands?" Eddie asked.

"Classical music to him," I said.

"No!" Jared protested. "I like old-people music, too."

Eddie and I exchanged glances. Old-people music…

I couldn't help but like Jared. Despite our age difference, there was something about him that was so relatable and easy. It wasn't hard to see that I was seeing something of myself in him: losing our moms young, being the sort of guys we were. But he was also just a likable kid.

"Hey, Max, what's your favorite Nirvana song?" Jared asked halfway through "Teen Spirit."

"I guess… ‘Lithium' has always been a favorite for me. What about you?"

Jared nodded, looking thoughtful.

"Yeah, ‘Lithium' is awesome."

I would have guessed that he had no idea which song that was.

"I think ‘Come As You Are' is my favorite," Eddie said.

"Good choice, man," I replied.

Our food arrived. The conversation flowed as we opened up the pizza, and Eddie poured out glasses of Coke. As the evening wore on, we laughed, chatted, and enjoyed the simple pleasure of being buddies together.

Jared's phone started lighting up, I guessed, with some kind of teenage drama.

"Can I go and chat with my friends for a while?" he asked.

Eddie smiled and nodded.

"Sure, of course."

Jared darted out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"Guess some kind of girl trouble is taking over," I remarked, glancing toward the staircase.

"More likely a video game code." Eddie chuckled, leaning back in his chair. "Give him half an hour before he's back. I think he is more engrossed in you than in a bunch of fifteen-year-olds' drama."

"Nah," I said, but I knew what Eddie meant.

With Jared gone, the atmosphere in the room shifted, becoming more relaxed, more adult, and open.

"Thanks for having me over, Eddie," I said. "It's been good hanging out again."

Eddie nodded, a genuine smile on his face.

"Of course." Eddie rose from his seat. "How about a beer?"

I grinned, following him with a nod.

"Read my mind."

He reached into the fridge, retrieving a couple of cold beers. He handed a bottle to me, our fingers brushing briefly as we made the exchange.

"Cheers," I said.

"Cheers," he replied, clinking our bottles together.

We sat and talked for a good hour. Jared didn't return soon. One beer was finished, and then a second. Eddie told me about things with the school and the landlord. He talked about whether to go back to New York, what he wanted to do, and the pressure from his boss to do so.

Our conversation turned to old times, about how we had been friends through a large part of our teens and how happy I had been living at his mom's for those few months when I was eighteen.

Thinking of our teenage years, I couldn't help but reflect on the differences between Eddie and me. I saw myself as a regular guy, but he had really made something of himself.

"I can't believe how well you have done," I said. "Jeez, man, a real success. You were destined for bigger things than this small town."

Eddie chuckled and shook his head shyly.

"Yeah, but you were always the one who had everyone at your fingertips. Girls – the girls were crazy about you. I was always such a loser in high school."

"No, man!" I protested.

Eddie was starting his third beer now, and his eyes were a little pink, he was giggling as he talked. I wasn't going to drink any more.

"So you won't believe what my cousin Julianne said about you," he said.

I knew Julianne of old. She loved gossip and a bit of trouble.

"Oh, what did she have to say?" I drawled ironically.

"She reckons the women of the town think you're some kind of heartbreaker. She claims you once told a girl not to fall in love with you."

I didn't want to be thought of that way.

"I don't know where she gets these ideas," I replied, and I could hear my own frustration. "And as for telling a girl not to fall in love with me, well, that's news to me."

Eddie seemed to react to my change of my mood. He shot me this look – embarrassed, awkward – that I had forgotten he sometimes wore. I had completely forgotten it. I remembered then when I had seen it before. A whole memory returned to me.

***

I found myself transported back to the bedroom I had been given at Eddie's mom's house. I went upstairs and found Eddie in the room, facing my bed. On the top of the covers was a pile of clean laundry his mom had washed and ironed for me.

He hadn't known I was there. I watched him for just a few seconds, wondering what he was doing. I was going to say something, but I decided to watch.

He reached down and picked up a pair of blue briefs. He stared at them in his hands. As I watched him, a rush of emotions washed over me: unease, discomfort, yet also some strange, silent yearning for whatever he was about to do.

I gulped. He was my best friend, the guy who had saved me. I didn't want to risk that. But I also wanted to see what he was going to do next.

My mouth was dry. I felt my heart beating.

I watched him slowly pull the briefs up to his mouth. It was like he was putting his mouth to my crotch. Thinking that, my unease began to change. I began to become aroused.

I didn't understand what was happening. I had never thought of Eddie in a sexual way, indeed, any guy. Back then, no one was "open and fluid." Even in our generation, gay guys were gay guys, and straight guys were straight guys. There was a clear dividing line, even if everyone acted like they were cool about it. But at that moment, I felt the dividing line dissolve.

But watching him then, a whole possible sexual dynamic opened up between us. It was that what I had not understood because it was so unexpected, and yet I felt in that moment, I felt so drawn to its possibility.

Just thinking that, I felt my cock swell in my underwear. A series of events played out between us: I could walk into the room, and I could turn him around and kiss him. I was eighteen, not a virgin, although Eddie still was, "the last in the whole school," he joked, although I was pretty sure that wasn't true.

It was then I realized that the idea of being sexual with Eddie seemed not abhorrent but natural, some organic development of this connection and trust we had. But thinking that was, in itself, too much.

I had to push that realization away. It was too threatening to an unhappy eighteen-year-old like me. So I broke the spell to break the moment.

"Hey, man!" I cried cheerfully.

He swung around. I could see his panic. He began to scrabble for words, for ways to obscure whatever he was doing.

"My mom asked me to bring your stuff up," he said unconvincingly. "I was putting it on your bed."

Both our eyes fell down to the pile of clothes, and then I glanced briefly down at his sweatpants. I could see his erection bolt upright. I was fully hard, too, by then.

What the hell was happening? We were sharing this strange, erotic moment, both of us hard. Again, I had to push it away. I had to scrub it from my mind and forget.

"Um… Do you want to go to the mall?" I asked, feeling this wall of embarrassment hit me.

"Sure," he said.

I was successful, too. I did erase that memory, as people can. But the irony was, of course, a few months later, Eddie went off to college, and we lost touch anyway.

Why did I remember it then? I wondered, and I understood at once. There was a reason why I have always felt this connection to Eddie. It wasn't just because he was kind to me once, long ago.

We had this link.

We had it like I had never had with another person. I hadn't understood it before.

***

At that moment, Jared reappeared.

"Hey, Max, man, sorry about that," he said in this I'm-a-dude-too voice. "Just chatting with my bros."

I nodded and got to my feet.

"Sure, man," I said, "no problems."

"Are you leaving?" he asked.

I felt awkward, embarrassed by what I had remembered, that erotic tension with Eddie from all those years ago and possibly again now.

"Yeah, yeah, got an early start tomorrow," I lied. "Thanks for the pizza and the beer, Eddie."

My friend didn't seem to suspect anything.

"Yeah, you're welcome."

Jared took an excited little in-breath.

"When are we taking this fishing trip?" he asked.

I hadn't forgotten about my suggestion, but now it seemed to mean something different.

Eddie chuckled and took a swig of his beer.

"Yeah, it should be a blast," he said.

"We could go this weekend," Jared suggested.

Eddie nodded.

"Suits me."

And so I agreed.

"Yeah, me too…"

Eddie walked me out to the front door with me. We exchanged only a few words, and instead of hugging this time, I shook his hand. He didn't say anything or react, but I guessed he must have found it a little strange. I did, too.

I walked out to my motorbike and, at the last moment, turned back to look at the house. Eddie raised his hand and then made his way back into the house, leaving me standing in the street, staring back at him.