Chapter 21

Felicity

I stare at myself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom. My blonde hair is curled to perfection, strands loosely falling around my face. My makeup is light, just mascara that causes my eyes to pop and lip gloss that makes my lips shine. As my eyes travel down my body loving how the long pale yellow sundress with small white flowers accents my curves. My hands slide down my body, coming to rest on the small bump I have.

"We're going to lunch today, baby. Mommy, Aunt Anya, Aunt Emmie, and Aunt Hartford are going to talk about a baby shower for you. You're not even born yet and already you have so many people that love you and are so excited to meet you." I lift my eyes to my face and force a grin. I want to be excited, I really do, but I'm nervous.

I'm nervous about having this one-on-one with Anya and Hartford. I know who they are. I met them when I had Sunday dinner at the Atwood family home. I even talked to them. But this is different.

This is everyone talking about me, Shepherd, and the baby. Questions will surely happen and I don't have the answers. If anything, I'm more confused than ever.

When we were at my mother's house for dinner, she brought up me finding someone. I could feel Shepherd's anger across the table, but I didn't expect him to say anything. Yet, he did. He announced I had found someone and it was him. I didn't know what to say, how to react, or how to feel. So, I told him not to talk about it there.

And here we are a week later and we still haven't discussed it. We've had sex. He's gotten me off in ways no one ever has before. On the couch, in the kitchen, even once while we were sitting on my front porch. But not once did he bring up what he said.

I waited until I realized it was a show. A show he put on for my mother. He doesn't want to be with me any more than I want to face the fact that if I let him in I'll fear heartbreak looming in the distance, waiting to take me down again.

I exhale a breath and rub my baby bump. I'm having this lunch for my baby because he or she deserves the best life possible and one thing I'm certain of, the only thing I'm certain of, is that Shepherd Atwood and his family are excited for this unplanned blessing. I would never take that away from any of them.

"Okay, baby, let's go eat."

I've been to Atta Boy a handful of times, but this is different. I'm not here with Emmie getting a quick drink and appetizers. I'm here, carrying Shepherd's baby, and it's immediately obvious as Brock greets me with a hug.

"Hey, mama to my niece or nephew. How are you feeling?"

I smile a sincere smile as I stare up at him. All the Atwoods are gorgeous in their own right and all are very tall. "I'm feeling good, thanks. How are you?"

"Good, great, yeah, everything is good," he says, stumbling over his words.

I'm sure that's not true, but I don't know him well enough to push. Even if I did know him, I probably wouldn't push.

"Hey, Felicity, great to see you. How are you?" Callum asks, interrupting the awkward silence between me and Brock.

"Hi, I'm good, thanks. How about you?"

"Busy as always," he says, nodding.

"Sis, how's that baby doing?" Tripp yells, wrapping me in a warm hug.

"The baby is good. How are you?"

He shrugs, staring at my little bump. "Fine, everything is fine," he mumbles.

Why do I keep asking how these boys are? It's obvious they all have things on the front of their minds they don't want to discuss. I know it well, I feel it constantly.

"There she is. The only woman to get our brother to smile." Paxton says, hugging me next.

It's overwhelming being greeted by so many people all at once. Are they watching on a monitor or something? How do they all know I've arrived at the same time?

"How are you feeling? Shep treating you well?"

It's an uncomfortable question and it shouldn't be. What do I say though, yeah your brother gives me the best orgasms I've ever had any time I'm horny, but besides that there's not much to say?

So I force a smile and say, "I'm good, everything is good."

"Hey, she's our special guest, back up," Anya says, pushing her way through her brothers. All her brothers but one. I'd like to say it doesn't bother me, but I'd be lying. Everyone has greeted me, but Shepherd.

Anya wraps me in a tight hug and sways back and forth. "I'm so excited you're here. We have so much to talk about."

"I don't know who's more excited, her or me, because now I don't need to look at baby cakes, baby games, baby colors," Griffin says, kissing the side of Anya's head. "I'm teasing, I love listening to anything you talk about."

My eyes soften as I stare at them. Their love is so present, so obvious. It's beautiful and makes me feel an ache. A longing to feel what they have.

"Gross, don't talk like that about my sister in front of me," Paxton says, laughing as he kisses Hartford's lips, who just joined the circle around me.

I feel like they are all sharks circling me, waiting for the right time to strike. It's terrifying being the center of attention of the Atwoods.

"Hartford, tell them," Paxton says, wrapping his arm around her. The way he stares at her, his love for her easily seen, makes the ache I feel intensify.

I don't know much about the Atwoods or their relationships. I do know that Paxton and Hartford were always friends. They were always together growing up. I'm not sure how they ended up together and part of me wants to ask. Part of me is curious to know how it all played out. Was it easy for them? Did they struggle with the decision? But, that's their story to tell.

My eyes slide to Anya and Griffin when I hear her giggle. He's whispering something in her ear and I see a slight blush grace her cheeks. Again I wonder how they got together. I know Griffin and Callum are best friends or at least they used to be. I'm curious if that was difficult for them or if it didn't matter. I want to ask, I want to know how these people found their happily ever afters. I want to know if they had insecurities or obstacles to overcome.

I feel like Shepherd and I have mountains to climb and oceans to swim just to understand each other. And when I see the love present in front of me, I wonder if I'll ever have something so beautiful.

"Shepherd isn't here, shouldn't we wait?" Hartford asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Hearing Shepherd's name causes my stomach to drop and I look around to see if anyone will go get him.

"If we wait for all of us to be together, it will never happen. Shep had to go drop off some stuff at the farm, I'll fill him in." Paxton's eyes slide to me and he smiles. "Or Felicity can."

"All right, I'm too excited," Hartford says, nearly bouncing on her feet. "Paxton and I decided we're having a destination wedding in Vegas."

Everyone starts talking at once. It's hard to hear one thing over another, yet they all seem to understand each other perfectly.

"The Atwoods in Vegas, this is going to be epic," Tripp says, laughing.

"Yeah, probably more like National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation ," Callum says with a wide grin.

"Oh, we're going to have so much fun," Brock says.

"Yay, more parties to plan," Anya says, clapping her hands.

"Great," Griffin says.

"We're going to iron out the details and get invitations out, but I wanted you guys to know first," Paxton says, smiling as he tightens his hold on Hartford.

"All right, as exciting as this is, us girls have things to do and don't you all have work to do?" Anya says, placing a hand on her hip.

Griffin kisses her and walks back toward the kitchen and everyone walks away. It's crazy how quickly they appear and disappear. Like magic.

Anya wraps her arm around me just as Emmie comes rushing in. "I'm sorry I'm late, please tell me I didn't miss anything."

"Nope, we are just heading back to the room now," Anya says, leading me with her arm still around my shoulder.

"Okay, this is great. I think we've got everything planned. Once we know if we're having a boy or a girl we can finalize the colors," Anya says, putting her pen down.

We've been discussing the baby shower for nearly two hours already. Anya had a ton of ideas, which I loved. She's a party planner and I can see why. Every detail taken care of, right down to the little chocolates she offered to make as thank yous. We've made a list of guests, picked a date, decided on food, and even a couple of games to play. She talked about having a wish-well, a diaper raffle, and giving books instead of cards.

I love it all. My baby is so lucky.

Speaking of my baby, Anya keeps saying when we know if we're having a boy or girl like she's another parent. It felt weird to hear at first, but every time she says it I can't help but smile.

When we first sat down it was uncomfortable for me, but Emmie held my hand under the table and it helped like she hoped it would. After two hours, I feel like Anya and Hartford could not only be my baby's aunts but also my friends.

I've learned a lot about them in the last two hours.

Paxton and Hartford ended up getting together because he offered to help her with an article she was writing about BDSM. According to her, each time they tried something it went horribly wrong. I'll be honest, the scenes she was describing had me full-on hysterical. Now they've found a love that was hidden and are getting married in Vegas.

Anya and Griffin, well damn. Sweet, cinnamon roll Griffin is anything but in the bedroom. The stories she's been all too open about are hot. But she did tell me how difficult it was for them to get to that point. How poor Griffin had so many fears that they almost lost out on something incredible.

Anya and Hartford are both funny, sweet, and very open. Maybe a little too open, because for the last fifteen minutes, they've been sharing more sex stories. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm jealous of.

Sure Shepherd and I have this friends-with-benefits thing going on, but listening to them makes me miss emotional sex. The passion, the want, the need. Kissing and sex so hard and rough that your head smacks the headboard or even better you break the bed. Not that I ever had that, but I want it. I want it so badly.

"I need to set the bar higher for myself when it comes to sex," Emmie says, laughing.

"Girl, yes! You definitely need to," Anya replies with a wink.

"What about you, Felicity?" Hartford asks.

I look around at three sets of eyes staring at me like I have the answer to world hunger and I laugh. "What about me?"

"What's going on with you and Shep? These Atwood boys don't exactly share their true feelings with each other all that often," she says.

"Oh, we're just friends I guess. I mean he says he'll be there for the baby."

Anya grabs my hand and smiles. "Shepherd is a hard nut to crack, but it's even obvious to me that he's happier when he's with you, or talking about you. Not just the baby. I mean don't get me wrong, he's excited, thrilled, enamored with the idea of being a father, but I don't think that's the only reason he says he'll be there for the baby. I think it's you, Felicity."

I can feel tears stinging my eyes and I blink them away quickly. Stupid hormones. "He's made it pretty clear it's not what he wants," I say with a nonchalant shrug of my shoulders.

"What do you want?" Hartford asks.

"I want love, passion, excitement. I want what you guys have."

It's the first time I've said anything like that out loud and I'm surprised I revealed it to his family. I just feel like they truly care and it makes talking to them easy.

"Have you told him you want those things?" Anya asks.

"Maybe the next time you guys have sex you should mention it," Emmie says, absentmindedly, biting into a chocolate Anya made.

"Emmie," I shout.

"What?" Anya and Hartford yell in unison, their eyes widening.

"You and Shepherd are having sex?" Anya nearly shouts in my ear.

Emmie is looking at me with wide eyes, mouthing ‘sorry' like that helps. I'm so embarrassed, I don't even know what to say.

I clear my throat and keep my focus on the table in front of me. "It's just him helping with all the hormones taking over my body. It's nothing really. Just one person helping another," I whisper.

I rest my hand on my bump and sigh.

"Have you guys talked about a relationship?" Anya asks.

"He's made it clear where he stands." I'm suddenly exhausted and ready to get out of here. "Today has been amazing, I can't thank you all enough, but I'm exhausted."

No one pushes me to say more. They understand my escape is needed and after a lot of hugs and exchanging numbers, I leave.

Once I'm home, I take a quick shower and lie down on the couch. Just as sleep is about to pull me under I jump up and hold my stomach.

"Ouch," I cry out as a fierce stab of pain causes me to keel over.

Something is wrong.