Capitulum XXIX

" Y ou're not happy to see me?" Connie asked coyly, and I blinked in surprise at the silky texture of her voice.

The woman shook her head. "You're free now."

She was beautiful but unsettling. With coppery skin and vibrant red hair, it wasn't her features that were jarring. Despite looking human, something was off, like her skin didn't reflect the light properly. And her body seemed worn in, as though she'd been whittled into that exact shape and never deviated from it.

There was no sign of growth or life. Her skin was unnaturally smooth in the way only magazine covers could manage. No moles, no scars, no peach fuzz. When her hands moved, I saw no bulge of veins or tendons, as if she was only an imitation of a human, created by someone who'd only ever seen them in still images. This was someone who had been made, not born.

"Does that mean I can't visit?" The woman lifted her hand from the organ, brushing a strand of hair behind Connie's ear before pinching her chin and tipping it, so their eyes could meet.

"You shouldn't have risked it."

"I must admit, I do come here with an agenda."

The woman crooked an eyebrow. "Oh?" But then she smiled. "Does that have anything to do with your little tagalong I can smell?"

I froze, and Connie's head dipped. "I was afraid you wouldn't appear if I wasn't alone."

The woman smiled, dancing from the bench in a fluid motion.

Curiously, she walked to a spot in the room a few feet from me before fisting the air and yanking.

Like a sheet being shaken out, Rigel appeared with a violent flap.

The woman admired him. "I had a feeling it would be you, strange, nosy creature."

"What on earth?" Connie gasped, getting to her feet.

The woman glanced back at her in confusion. "Is this not the correct stowaway?"

I decided to materialize before she could shake me like she had Rigel. Her eyes went to me, sizing me up and smiling. Then she threw Rigel to the ground.

"Oh, even more interesting." She looked between Connie and me. "What's brought you to my doorstep?"

Connie crossed her arms, glancing down at Rigel with disdain before returning her attention to the woman.

"Has there been anyone else? Anyone after me?"

The woman smirked. "Why? Jealous?"

"Someone's gone missing, someone who had a very similar situation to me. We thought..."

"You thought she'd been trapped here as well?" We nodded, and to my surprise, she furrowed her brow at Rigel, who was still on the floor. "At least one person among you knows that isn't true."

"What?" I asked, trying to figure out what she could mean.

Her eyebrows quirked up in surprise. "Oh, how interesting. He's kept those thoughts to himself."

"I didn't..." he began, but the fear in his eyes negated the words as the woman continued on with her gleeful shpiel.

"Did you know he comes here to pray, quite often actually, especially since the beginning of this year? He likes to do it out loud when he thinks he's alone."

I looked down at Rigel. "What is she talking about?"

"I don't . . ."

"I'm assuming this missing student they're referring to is the Lindy you mention so often?" she asked him. "Because I could assure everyone here that I haven't seen hair nor tail of the girl this year, but at least one of you is already well aware of that." She stared at him, awaiting a response, and when he stayed silent, she groaned loudly. "You've cried about it plenty. Surely, you don't need me to jog your memory."

I'd never seen Rigel so dumbstruck, mouth hanging open as his eyes shot between the organ player and me. Surprisingly, he looked almost guilty.

The woman glared back up at Connie and me. "Unfortunately, it seems your dear Lindy has succumbed to the common madness that you mortals are so prone to."

"What?" I asked.

She shot me an amused grin. "Yes, lost her mind and hit the hills."

"She wasn't showing any signs. The school would have known..." I shifted my attention to Rigel, suddenly remembering what I'd found in his room. "The mice. They weren't for you , were they?"

"I was just trying to help her," he began sheepishly. "She didn't want to deal with the school's monitoring system. I started by skimming a few bones from Stacy's, but then she needed more and more to keep it together, so I had to start collecting them myself."

"You idiot," I spat.

"I had it under control."

I shook my head, pieces finally falling together.

This was why he'd been so desperate to see her before she'd disappeared, why he'd been so resistant to the idea that it could have been an accident.

"But then she hid from you for a solid week after she got her history and went mad."

"I . . . I couldn't have known for sure."

The woman cut us off with a laugh. "Oh, sure, even with what was in that little white box?"

His face blanched.

"What was in the box, Rigel?" I asked through my teeth.

"It wasn't — "

"Don't be coy. I watched you open it." She turned to me, clicking a sharp nail against her canine tooth. "It was one of these."

"She pulled one of her teeth out?"

"If the madness gets bad, they often want to stay here and will remove a part of themselves to ensure it." She turned to Rigel. "It's almost cute. They usually give them to each other as a sign of mortal devotion, strung up on a chain. So, I bet pretty boy here felt very special when he got hers. I bet he's wearing it as we speak."

I turned to him, disappointed to recognize the nervousness in the creases of his face.

"Rigel?" I asked.

When he didn't answer, I walked over to him, who was still hunched on the floor where he'd landed.

I reached down slowly, pausing as he shook his head, silently begging me not to. But I continued, dipping the tip of my index finger under his collar, feeling the rough metal chain pressed against his warm skin.

As I pulled, the slim silver chain unwound, a hard lump traveling up under his shirt before popping out in the valley at the nape of his neck. It was a long, slender canine tooth.

I let the necklace fall against his shirt, and he hung his head.

Collapsing back onto the pew, I gripped its wooden frame hard, trying to keep myself steady while my brain processed all the new information.

"You knew about this, and you let me risk my fucking neck for you over and over?" I heard myself ask through the haze.

"There was no way for me to know..." he began, the excuse fading out before being abandoned entirely. "I didn't want it to have been my fault."

I gaped.

The feeling inside me was suspiciously close to the sensation that preceded vomiting.

"If you guys are going to fight, can you take it elsewhere? I don't deal with mortal fluids well," the woman interjected, sounding bored.

"I'm sorry," I said, my brain still racing to catch up with my body.

The woman nodded. "I appreciate the lot of you reminding me why I don't make myself known most of the time."

Despite the words, she said them with a smile. Turning to Connie, they exchanged a small look.

Connie glanced over at me nervously. "You two go on ahead. I think I'll stay here for a while."

About to boil over with rage, I grabbed Rigel by the front of his shirt and dragged him down the stairs and out into the night.

The snow had melted, but the air still stabbed at my lungs as I panted from the effort of pulling him behind me.

"Agnes," he said, unwinding my fist from his shirt. "I'm sorry."

"Yes, Rigel, you're always sorry. That's the fucking problem."

"I don't want to be this way. Being like this is not exactly the result of a happy life."

"Yet you're still always the one who comes out on top. You can cry about not knowing how to love, but you're the one who's standing here right now."

"Agnes, I am dead , you know."

I turned, pacing through the slushy grass, allowing the ice to melt into my socks so the shock could ground me before I found a way to kill him a second time.

"You want to know what really sucks, Rigel?" I began, pacing back over to him. "You've done so much to desperately mimic the sensation of caring for people, people who were using you, or who clearly didn't give a shit about you. Yet here I am, risking my neck, and you've been happy to guide my head into the guillotine."

He stared down at me, expression tense but unreadable. "I didn't know for sure. You said it yourself that it was all very suspicious."

"Perhaps because I was conveniently lacking the full picture," I hissed, grabbing the tooth resting against his uniform shirt. "You knew about the guilt I dealt with from abandoning her, and you used that against me. You let me be afraid that I was next."

He wound his hand around mine. I expected him to pull the tooth free, but instead, he held me there, shaking hand against his chest.

"I never asked anything from you once I got the tooth. I wouldn't have..."

"You wouldn't have, what, used my misery and fear against me on the slim chance you'd be absolved of your guilt for being an idiot?"

He blinked, eyes shooting up to the sky. In the distant orange light from the lampposts, I swore I could see his eyes become glassy, but when he looked back down at me, no tears fell.

"I would do anything to make this right. Just tell me what to do."

I laughed, shaking my head. "Then, let this be your first lesson, good people do not demand forgiveness that they know they don't deserve."

I yanked my hand free, then shoved it into my pocket. His hand remained where I left it, curled up against his chest like he was afraid his heart was going to fall out.

"Just leave me alone, please," I said, stepping away. "Prove to me that you can resist the urge to be self-involved and never speak to me again."

He said nothing, only nodded and turned for the Ultor dorm.

His slender shape disappeared inside the building before I promptly turned invisible and burst into tears.

It was sudden, like I was boiling over.

I collapsed on the plinth base of the headless angel and allowed myself to cry in peace.

A deep, aching loneliness strangled me like a snake. Was I really so simple? Did I really just want to feel valued by someone?

Without meaning to, I felt myself get to my feet, tears still falling as I crossed the grass toward Corporeality Hall. I allowed myself to ascend the stairs in that familiar path I'd walked so many times.

Professor Faun's door opened for me without any resistance, and he jumped out of his chair, a book falling onto the floor.

"What..." he began just as I popped into view, closing the door behind me. Gripping his chest, he wheezed. "Jesus, Agnes, what are you doing here? This is—"

I collapsed, my cane clattering to my side.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head, trying to gather my thoughts, but all I could manage to say was a small "I'm so tired."

He got to his feet, then crossed the room to crouch in front of me. "What happened?"

"I just don't want to feel this way anymore."

He met my eyes, seeing something of the misery I was feeling, before pulling me to his chest. At first, it was nice, but then he said, "Do you believe me now? Will you finally stop this madness?"

In that moment, I realized why I was so upset and why it felt like a culmination of all the other feelings I'd been battling the whole year.

"Do you even love me, Faun?"

He looked shocked. "Why are you asking me that?"

"What does love even mean, really? What's the point?"

"Has something happened?"

I shook my head, smearing my tears against the front of his night shirt. "I'm just so tired of it feeling like a lie."

"If you want my scholarly opinion," he began, thumb gently tracing small circles against my shoulder where he clutched me close. "Love is easily polluted. It infuses with the faults of its bearer and latches on to the easiest victim. Cruel people love cruelly. Selfish people love selfishly. The reality of this doesn't negate the presence of love itself. It just means it's coming from a poisoned chalice."

"Is that why you don't trust me?"

"It's within reason." He sighed, long and loud, the sound rumbling through me. "Though, Agnes, my not trusting you is not the result of thinking there's a deficit in your intellect. I fear I just feel alone in my urge to keep you safe."

"Yeah, you might be right about that." I sighed. "What do we do?"

"Perhaps it's time you stopped allowing yourself to be poisoned." Shocked, I looked up at him in confusion, but he only rubbed my cheek. "Myself included."

I nodded, pressing my face back into his chest, not wanting to leave but knowing I couldn't stay forever.

~

I was surprised by the wave of peace that flowed over me. It was like my body had been craving normalcy — no more games, no more hiding, no more sneaking around.

Something about letting go had put the world back to rights. Professor Faun returned to normal in public. I focused on my school work and friendships, and Lindy's fate, while unfortunate, was put to rest.

The next time I saw Rigel, I was surprised I didn't feel that familiar spark of anger anymore. Once the initial shock wore off, I didn't have the energy to take his actions personally any longer.

On a rainy spring day, I had a few free hours, so I ducked into Stacy's class.

She wasn't there, but Rigel was.

I froze on the steps, watching his back move as he reclined in the chair, book propped in front of his face with one hand.

If I was very, very quiet, I might have been able to sneak back up. Despite feeling neutral about him, I didn't relish being stuck alone with him for any extended period, and I didn't know what he would say.

"Will you unthaw if I tell you I have no intention of talking to you unprompted?"

Damn.

Taking another step down, I said, "You're talking to me unprompted right now."

"I consider the sensation of your eyes searing into the back of my head to be a form of provocation."

"I'll just go."

He finally glanced over his shoulder, eyes scanning me up and down. "You're soaked through."

"It's not as bad as it looks."

He shook his head, returning to his book with a dry chuckle. "Be at ease. I'm not here for you."

I wanted to turn and leave, but the fire was calling me, and it felt more embarrassing to refuse to stay than it was to just muscle through it.

Gritting my teeth, I stomped past him toward the fire and shrugged off my bag and clothes. The rain had saturated all the way through to my undershirt. My sweater's fibers clung to me, and it took a decent amount of effort to peel it from my damp skin.

I laid my blazer and sweater in front of the fire. When I turned, I caught the quickest flash of Rigel's eyes flying back to his open book.

"What?" I asked.

He shrugged, refusing to look back up. "Nothing."

I shook my head and pulled my schoolwork from the wet bag. I set my stuff down in front of my usual chair and made myself tea.

The kettle was hanging over the fire, so I pulled it out, the hinge squealing.

"Do you want one?" I asked.

Silence hung there while I used the mitt to grab the teapot handle off the hook. When I turned to set the kettle down, he silently pushed his mug across the table toward me, his eyes still on his book.

I poured water into his mug, but I was so preoccupied with his presence that I ended up splashing the boiling water across my hand.

"Fuck," I spat, almost dropping the kettle as pain flared up my arm.

When I opened my watery eyes, I found Rigel's chair empty as he brushed past me. His arm wound around, pressing a cool rag to the burn. The pain relented just enough for me to think straight.

I took the rag, and he pulled away from me but stayed standing.

"Thanks," I said, looking at him from the corner of my eye. "I think I can take it from here."

"I know."

"Your tea will get cold," I said, trying to make it sound like a warning.

"I just wanted to say," he began, jamming his hands into his pockets. "I guess I just noticed that you've seemed happier recently."

"And?"

"I'm just glad." I must have looked stunned beyond words because he added, "After everything from the past few years, it's just nice to know that things can still be good sometimes."

He turned, and in what I can only think to call a fit of insanity, I wound my arms around his waist and hugged him. He froze in surprise as I pressed my cheek into his back.

"Despite my better judgment, I don't hate you, which is why I can't risk being around you anymore."

"I understand," he whispered, repositioning the cool rag over the burn on my hand.

The door at the top of the stairs sucked open, and we jumped away from each other.

"Oh, you're here, Rigel," Stacy huffed, pulling something with her and chucking it into the corner. "The school feels like it's about to wash away," she groaned, collapsing in a chair. "You two seem pretty warm."

I braced myself for Rigel to make some kind of embarrassing comment, but instead, his mood shifted to something more morose.

"Actually, Stacy, I'm here for a different reason." He announced, returning to his chair.

Her eyebrows shot up. "Oh? Is it my birthday?"

Picking up his bag, he grunted with the effort as he extended it to her.

When she flipped the top open, we both recoiled in shock at the sight of it overflowing with mouse bones.

"What is this?" she asked him, finally sounding concerned.

"I've been collecting mouse bones myself for a long time," he said, the words free of his usual flare, like they hurt to admit. "Lindy needed them, but she didn't want the school to know, so I collected them for her. It's the main reason I started coming down here."

She flinched.

"Rigel," I warned, astounded by what he was doing.

"No, Agnes." He put a hand out to stop me. "I'm not proud of it, but it's the honest truth." He turned his attention back to Stacy. "You have every right to be hurt and angry."

To my surprise, she gave him a soft, sad smile, reaching up with one raptor claw and brushing the hard line of his cheek. "Oh, my dear boy, you're a fool if you think I didn't know you were up to something." She let out a tiny snort of laughter. "This, though, does explain a few things. I do sort of regret intimidating the puritan now."

"You assumed Connie had something to do with what happened to Lindy?" Rigel asked, eyes flicking to me.

"Of course. Who wouldn't?"

"I assumed the school is used to people succumbing to the madness."

"Oh, we are, trust me..." Her voice faded out as she stared into the bag of bones. "It was quite unusual, even considering the madness. Most of them just leave, as they know it's unlikely that the school will risk trying to hunt them down. So, the extent of what she did barely makes sense. It was like she wanted someone to chase their tail and look for her in all the wrong places."

Rigel and I locked eyes, our brains practically cycling through the same thoughts.

"Is that not part of it? The madness?" he asked Stacy. "Surely, it makes it so that you're not thinking properly?"

She shook her head. "Perhaps, but she was a smart girl. It seems strange that she would have gone so far out of her way if she didn't have to. I mean, even just a week prior, she was signing up to be Professor Arnold's TA last minute, so surely she still had some sense of who she was remaining."

My brain went back to when Ephraim slipped that envelope to Rigel, telling him it was urgent and time sensitive.

She'd had to have requested to be a TA after arriving back on campus, after she'd read her history. Which only would have been strange if it hadn't been purposeful. But why?

Before the realization could really set in for me, Rigel shot to his feet, nearly flying up the stairs and out into the rain.

Stacy jumped in surprise, mouse bones spilling from the bag in her lap. "What's going on with him?"

"I have to go," I said, rushing after him.

"You're forgetting all your stuff," she called after me as I pushed through the door.

The pouring rain washed out the campus in a sheet of grey, but it didn't interfere with my tunnel vision.

As I hobbled past students, their eyes scanned me curiously, taking in the icy rain clinging to my bare arms and the panic on my face.

He had a lot of ground on me, but he slowed when I called after him.

"She's in fucking Last Hope, Agnes," he said, rain dripping off his top lip with every word. "That's why she did all of this. She was the one who had access to the throughlines and the direwolf and knew where Tom's body parts were, not the school. It was all a distraction. She wanted to make sure no one would look for her there."

"But I went there and didn't..." I began before a memory flashed through my mind.

During midnight mass, Betty had seen me. I hadn't really believed it, but it was only after I'd purposefully made myself visible to only other ghosts. None of the other mortals had shown any signs of seeing me, not even Cass.

"That fucking bitch," I spat, pushing past Rigel toward Professor Arnold's building. "She's possessing my fucking daughter."