Chapter 18

Chance

It's been a long day, and I need to see Lucy. Though we text most days, it's been nearly a week since I've actually seen her. Last weekend, I helped out covering extra shifts, and she worked at Barney's. I'm hoping that's where I'll find her tonight. Pushing open the door, I survey the scene in what has become my favorite hangout. Janelle saunters over and places a pint in front of me, her voice a casual lilt. "So, Lucy's got another date tonight."

"Oh?" I keep my voice level, feigning disinterest. A date? Again? And not a word about it from Lucy herself. That gnaws at me, this omission. But it shouldn't. We're just friends. She's got lots of others to confide in as well.

"Yep, saw her swipe right on some dude with a six-pack and a puppy. Typical." Janelle smirks .

"Good for her," I manage, putting my glass down harder than I intended. The clang echoes, much like the dull thud in my chest.

"Sure you don't want to know more? I could play spy…" She waggles her eyebrows.

I shake my head. "No need. She can handle herself."

Yet the thought festers as the night drags on—Lucy laughing at someone else's jokes, leaning into another man's touch.

I order dinner and eat alone.

Why didn't she tell me she had a date?

If I'm this upset that she's on a date, what will it be like when she's serious with someone?

What if she falls for this guy?

What if he won't let us be friends anymore?

Okay, that last one is a little ridiculous, but I don't have good answers for any of the questions rattling around in my head. I should head home and let sleep erase these pointless musings. Instead, when I leave the pub, I find myself steering my Explorer toward Lucy's neighborhood.

Through the raindrops on my windshield, I can see her place has a light on. And as I watch, she walks past the window dressed in pajamas—and not spend-the-night kind of pajamas. I feel a moment of absurd relief, until I see her nosy neighbor at the window, looking out at me. I shouldn't linger. Lucy's safe, and I'm confident she's alone.

"You're pathetic," I mutter, chastising myself for this detour into stalker territory.

I drive away, taking comfort in the image of her walking past the window. I was just checking in on a friend , I tell myself, but my heart thrums a different truth, one I'm not ready to confront.

Back at home, I wave to Ginny as I park and walk around to my basement apartment. The sudden glow of my phone cuts through the dimness as I step inside, a message notification pulling me out of my daze. It's Lucy. My pulse quickens.

Lucy: Found the Barbenheimer films we talked about! Popcorn and Hot Tamales are on me. Your place or mine for movie night on Friday?

I text back before I can stop myself, a smirk playing at the corner of my mouth.

Me: A Barbie movie? I'm good with Oppenheimer.

Lucy: Ha-ha. You're going to love Barbie. Promise.

Me: Okay, I'll come to your place. But only if I buy dinner. Maybe sushi.

Lucy: Deal. See you Friday at my place! Prepare to enjoy!

At the end of the week, I walk up to her door, tray of sushi in hand. It took all my willpower not to dig in. I'm starved.

Lucy buzzes me up and meets me at the top of the stairs, her eyes bright. "Perfect timing!" she says, ushering me inside.

We fill our plates and sit next to each other on the couch. I shut my eyes a moment, pushing back the desire to pull her close.

We settle in, and she starts the first movie, Barbie . I chuckle at the over-the-top scenes but the movie does grab me. I soon find I'm liking it more than I thought I would.

When we've finished dinner, Lucy pauses the movie and disappears into the kitchen. She returns with a large bowl of popcorn, and I watch, fascinated, as she tears open a bag of Hot Tamales and sprinkles them among the buttery kernels. "Trust me," she insists, seeing my skeptical look.

"Never doubted you for a second," I lie smoothly, taking a handful of the concoction. The sweet cinnamon heat of the candy meshes well with the saltiness of the popcorn, and I find myself reaching for more.

"Good, right?" she asks, smug satisfaction in her voice.

"Better than expected," I concede, and she laughs.

She returns to the couch beside me, close enough now that I can feel the warmth of her shoulder against mine. Her presence is comforting, familiar yet charged with an undercurrent of something exciting. I don't know how I'm going to navigate this. I don't know if I want to. I shift my position and relax into the cushions, into the moment.

When Barbie ends, Lucy turns to me. "What did you think?"

I cross my arms grumpily. "I liked it." But then I smile. "There's a patriarchy in medicine that has always amazed me, given that there are more women in the field than men. It's a good reminder for me to be more aware. What did you think?"

"I think education is similar to medicine in that regard. There are more women in the field, but there always seem to be men in the highest roles. I really liked it, though. I like to see women who fight for themselves. It inspires me."

I smirk. "I can't imagine you need a lot of inspiration in that area. You're assertive and strong. You speak your mind."

"Is that a bad thing? Usually when someone calls a woman assertive and strong, it means she's a bitch on wheels."

I laugh. "Nope. In my book, it's a compliment."

She smiles. "Thank you. And now, on to our next feature." She pushes the button for Oppenheimer to begin.

Everything is going great until the sex scene. My mind races, caught in a war between longing and logic. I've been on the edge of a semi all evening with Lucy just sitting next to me, and now, I'm watching a woman bounce on some guy's lap. I shut my eyes and try to think of something else, otherwise she's going to see the tent in my pants.

Even with my eyes closed, the moans are getting to me. I haven't been with anyone since before Céline told me she wasn't coming to Vancouver. It's getting harder and harder not to tear Lucy's clothes off and move her so far out of the friend zone, she'll forget she was ever there.

Finally, the movie moves on. I look over at Lucy, her face illuminated by the screen's glow, and something tugs at my heart. She looks content, happy even, and I realize I really like having her this close. It reminds me again what's at stake if the nature of our relationship were to change. The risk may be too great, no matter what my dick thinks.

Oppenheimer is intense, but it's no match for how hard Lucy works. Her breaths grow deeper, more rhythmic, and I know she's slipped away into sleep before the credits roll. I watch her for a moment. There's a tenderness in the way her chest rises and falls, a peace I don't want to disturb. And this is likely the excuse I need to escape before my self-control unravels and I reach out to touch the soft fabric of her sweater, just a hair's breadth away from my fingers.

"Time to go," I mutter to myself.

Careful not to wake her, I rise from the couch. In the kitchen, I find a scrap of paper and pen to scribble a note.

Thanks for the movie night. You conked out, but Oppenheimer would approve of your dedication to rest. —Chance

It's light-hearted, it's friendly—everything I need to maintain between us.

I drape a blanket over Lucy's sleeping form, tucking it gently around her shoulders. Then I force my feet toward the door, let myself out, and start the drive home. The streetlights streak by in a blur, reflecting the turmoil I feel. Lucy, with her easy smiles and Hot Tamales-infused popcorn, has crept into corners of my heart I thought were reserved for someone else.

Célin e . Her name echoes through my thoughts, an unwelcome reminder of what I've lost or perhaps what's been holding on to me. She's a ghost lingering in the background, a past that's had its time. But there's still work to be done if I'm to truly leave her behind.

"Get it together," I chide, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter.

Lucy deserves better than half-hearted affection shadowed by doubt and hesitation. And I deserve to explore this new potential with a clear conscience. That means Céline's hold on me, her desire to keep me close, despite there being no common path forward for us, needs to be released.

Tonight was close—too close—and as much as I yearn for the warmth I left behind on that couch, I know I made the right call. For my sake and Lucy's, I need to figure out where my heart truly lies. Only then can I offer Lucy everything she deserves.