2.

Roman

The reflection of neon lights dances on the surface of my beer, casting a kaleidoscope of colors into my vision. The chatter around me is deafening as I watch Ava walk out of Barney’s.

Barney’s is a hospital hangout, and I don’t come often, precisely because of moments like these. Seeing her only reminds me of what we once had, of everything that’s irretrievably lost. I would give anything to take it all back and have her in my arms again.

Ava disappears around the corner, and I try to shake it off. It’s been years since we broke up, but every time I see her, it’s as if she’s crawled under my skin all over again.

“Roman, you still with us?” Suzie, a nurse in admitting, snaps me back to the present.

“Sorry,” I mumble, taking a swig of my beer. “Just got lost in thought.”

“Anything important?” she presses.

“No,” I assure her. I’m new to the emergency department, and I knew Ava worked in the hospital, but there are more than four thousand employees at Mercy. I didn’t expect to run into her my first week.

I needed this position, needed the chance to prove myself in a high-pressure environment. And so, here I am, working alongside the woman who still never leaves my mind.

“Let’s change the subject,” Suzie announces. “I have a hot tub at my place.”

“Really? Where do you live?”

“I’m in a house by the Commercial SkyTrain stop. My roommates are out of town. But we do have a rule,” she says, looking at me through her lashes. “You can only go in the hot tub if you’re naked.”

“That’s a pretty serious rule.” Suzie is hot, and I’m sure she’d be fun, but do I really want to pee where I eat? I have to work with her for what could be years. Decades even. Sleeping with her could complicate that.

She runs her hands up my arm. “Just think of all the fun we could have.”

I manage to shove Ava to the farthest recesses of my mind. But even then, I know it’s only temporary. She’s an undeniable part of my life, a ghost I can’t escape, no matter how hard I try.

I may have been the one to end things between us, but that doesn’t mean I’ve moved on. Far from it. I still harbor deep feelings for her, feelings I’d rather not admit—even to myself. It’s embarrassing that my pride was the reason we broke up, that I couldn’t handle her success when she landed the cardiology fellowship I’d also been after. It shouldn’t have mattered, but back then, I let it get the best of me.

“Roman?” Suzie interrupts my internal monologue. “Did you hear what I asked?”

“Sorry,” I say, forcing a smile and trying to focus. “What were you saying?”

“Never mind.” Suzie waves her hand. “It wasn’t important. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to come over for a dip in my hot tub?”

I can feel my cheeks growing warm. The prospect of spending time with someone other than Ava should be enticing, but I can’t muster any enthusiasm. Instead, I fumble for an excuse to decline without hurting Suzie’s feelings.

“Thanks for the invite, but I think I’m just going to head home after this,” I tell her. “It’s been a long day, and I could use some rest.”

“Suit yourself,” she replies with a shrug, seemingly unfazed. “But I promise, you’re missing out.”

I’m pretty sure I’m not, but I’m not about to be rude. “I have no doubt.”

I take another sip of my beer, my thoughts turning once more to Ava. I need to find a way to make things right between us, even if it’s just as colleagues. But for now, all I can do is stare into the swirling colors in my glass and hope the answer will somehow materialize before me.

I glance around the bar, searching for a way to gently move Suzie on. My eyes land on Ian McCormick, an orthopedist at Mercy. He’s laughing with some colleagues. His newly divorced status and appetite for fun is well known, and I’ve only been here a week.

“Actually, Suzie,” I say. “Have you met Ian McCormick? He’s a great guy, and I think you two might really hit it off.”

Suzie follows my gaze and raises an eyebrow. “You’re deflecting, Roman, but fine.” She smirks. “Enjoy your quiet night alone.”

“Thanks, Suzie,” I reply, relieved that she doesn’t seem offended.

As she saunters over to Ian, I take a deep breath and look at the door, debating how soon I can gracefully exit and go home.

“Roman, what’s up with you?” Kent Johns, one of my colleagues, asks. His British accent is currently a bit muddled by the beer in his hand. “What’s got you all wrapped up? Difficult patient on your second day?”

“No, just tired,” I lie. I don’t need another lecture on how I messed things up or how I should fix them.

“Sure, man,” he says skeptically, clearly not buying my excuse. “If you say so.”

Before he can question me further, two young residents approach, eager to chat with their more-experienced colleagues. They bombard us with questions about life in the ED and the best ways to handle difficult patients. Grateful for the distraction, I offer advice and share a few stories from my own residency days.

But as the evening wears on, my heart grows heavy. The memory of Ava’s hurt expression rises to haunt me from years ago. I need to get to a place where we can see each other and I don’t crumble like I’ve done tonight.

“Hey, Kent, I’m gonna head out,” I announce, breaking away from the conversation with the residents. “You got this, right?”

“Sure thing,” he replies. “Have a good night. We’re still on to go skiing up at Whistler on Thursday?”

“Yep.” I nod, slipping out of the bar and into the cool night air.

The drive home to my condo on the North Shore feels longer than usual as my thoughts whirl. As much as I try to push Ava from my mind, the way things ended between us has left a gaping hole in my life. I need to fix it, maybe not for Ava’s sake, but for my own.

As I pull into my parking spot, I resolve to face my past and figure out how to make amends with Ava. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.