Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

Doc

Present Day . . .

I take a deep breath and look down at the tiny, squirming bundle in my arms.

Bright blue eyes blink up at me, gazing with innocent curiosity.

My son, Kash.

It still hasn’t fully sunk in, even though it’s been a week since he was unceremoniously dumped on the clubhouse doorstep.

A fucking week of stumbling through this fatherhood thing blind as a bat.

My old man was a deadbeat waste of space who never gave a rat’s ass about me, so it’s not like I had much to go on as far as father figures.

Hell if I’m not trying my damnedest to figure it out.

This kid deserves better than I had.

Kash starts fussing, and I bounce him gently, humming some random tune.

He quiets for a minute but then ramps right back up into pissed-off wailing.

I’ve changed him, fed him, burped him, but nothing’s working. “Come on, buddy, give your old man a break,” I mutter.

I pace back and forth across the clubhouse, patting his back.

The guys are probably taking bets on how long before I lose my shit completely.

Fuck ‘em.

Most of them don’t know the first thing about babies either.

I’m so focused on the screaming infant that I don’t even notice Mandy, Zoe’s friend, walk in.

She’s a cute little thing, watching me with a hint of a smile quirking her lips.

She saunters closer. “Need a hand there, Doc?”

I blow out a heavy breath. “Darlin’, if you can get him to stop howling like a banshee, I’ll owe you big time.”

Her smile grows as she holds out her arms.

I pass Kash over, wondering if she has some kind of magic touch.

Lord knows I could use a miracle about now.

Mandy cradles Kash close to her chest, cooing softly. “Hey there, little man. What’s all the fuss about, huh?”

Damned if the kid doesn’t instantly quiet, blinking up at her with those big blue eyes.

I shake my head in disbelief. “How’d you do that?”

She laughs, the sound light and musical. “Oh, you know. Just my natural charm.”

I snort. “Right. Well, feel free to use that charm anytime. Seriously.”

Mandy keeps rocking Kash gently, and he seems completely content now as if he wasn’t just screaming his head off a minute ago.

I run a hand through my hair, suddenly feeling the exhaustion of the past week catching up to me.

“You look beat, Doc,” Mandy says, her voice laced with sympathy. “When’s the last time you got a decent night’s sleep?”

I shrug. “Fuck if I know. Feels like a lifetime ago.” I watch as she sways back and forth, Kash’s eyelids starting to droop. “Guess I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this. Being a dad and shit.”

Mandy nods, her gaze soft as she looks down at my son. “Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a great job. It’s not easy, but you’re clearly giving it your all.”

Something in my chest warms at her words.

It’s nice to hear, even if I’m not so sure I believe it myself.

But I’ll keep trying for Kash.

The kid didn’t ask for any of this, but he’s mine now.

My responsibility.

“So,” I drawl, trying to lighten the mood a bit, “about those tricks of the trade . . . any chance you’d be willing to share a few? Feels like I could use all the help I can get these days.”

Mandy looks up at me, a playful smirk tugging at her lips. “Oh, I don’t know. Some of these secrets are pretty valuable. Might cost you.”

I raise an eyebrow, enjoying the little spark of flirtation between us. “Yeah? And what exactly would be the going rate for baby whisperer wisdom?”

She pretends to think for a moment. “Hmm . . . how about a drink sometime? You know, when you can actually leave this little guy for more than five minutes without worrying he’ll bring down the clubhouse.”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “You got yourself a deal. Whenever you’re free, I’m buying.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Mandy says with a wink.

We fall into a comfortable silence for a bit, just watching Kash as he sleeps peacefully in her arms.

It’s a good look on her, I can’t help but think.

Natural, like she was meant to be a mama herself someday.

The thought catches me off guard.

I barely know this chick, and here I am, imagining her with a kid of her own.

Something about seeing her with my son, so gentle and sure . . . it does things to me.

Makes me wonder about the what-ifs and maybes.

I mentally shake myself.

Now’s not the time for getting lost in pointless daydreams.

I have enough on my plate as it is.

Still, as Mandy carefully transfers Kash back into my arms, our eyes meeting in a loaded gaze, I can’t quite squash the tiny tendril of hope unfurling in my chest.

Maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to do this whole dad thing completely alone after all.

“So, have you heard from her at all? Sassy, I mean,” Mandy asks softly, settling onto the couch beside me.

I tense up, my jaw clenching tight. “Nah. Not a fucking word.”

“That’s rough,” she says, genuine sympathy in her voice. “I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this.”

I just shrug, staring down at Kash’s sleeping face. “It is what it is. I’m not gonna waste my time worrying about someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit.”

“Still, he’s her kid too. You’d think she’d at least check in, make sure he’s okay.”

“Yeah, well, that would require her to think of someone other than herself for half a second,” I mutter bitterly. “Apparently, that’s too much to ask.”

Mandy’s hand comes to rest on my knee, a gesture of comfort and support that I wasn’t expecting but find myself deeply appreciating.

“Hey,” she says gently, waiting until I meet her gaze. “You’re doing a great job with him, Doc. Kash is lucky to have you. And fuck Sassy for putting you in this position in the first place. You both deserve so much better.”

Warmth blooms in my chest at her words, and I feel some of the tension bleed out of my muscles. “Thanks, doll,” I murmur, offering her a small, grateful smile. “I’m just trying to do right by my boy, you know? Be the dad he needs since he sure as hell ain’t getting a mom anytime soon.”

“And you will,” she assures me, giving my knee a gentle squeeze. “You already are. Kash adores you. Anyone can see that. The way his whole face lights up when you walk into the room . . . that’s not nothing, Doc. That’s everything.”

I clear my throat, embarrassed by the sudden influx of emotion welling up inside me. “Yeah, well, I’m not exactly Father of the Year material yet,” I joke, trying to deflect from the deep shit we just dove into. “Still learning on the fly here, you know?”

She gives me a teasing nudge with her elbow. “Don’t sell yourself short, cowboy. You’ve got this parenting thing down pat. Besides, Kash is a resilient little guy!”

Kash suddenly starts crying out of nowhere, hiccupping sobs radiating through the clubhouse.

“Shh, it’s okay, buddy, it’s okay,” I hear her coo, rubbing his back in slow, soothing circles, her hazel eyes over his head reflecting equal parts panic and relief. “Everything’s all right. It happens to the best of us, you know? Sometimes, we all need a little cry.”

Kash sniffles, and I can see him nodding into her shoulder.

Mandy glances up at me, and for a moment, I see it again.

That maternal glow that I’d seen when she first laid eyes on him here at the clubhouse.

It’s like watching the sunrise after a long, dark night.

“I think he’s good to go, Dad,” she says, handing him over to me with the utmost care as if she’s in fear of breaking him.

She’s right, though; he’s already squirming in my arms, wanting to be let down.

Fuck me if my heart doesn’t swell ten sizes bigger when he reaches for Mandy’s hand. “But I’m thinking it’s bath time for this little maniac before he leaves a trail of destruction in his wake.”

I chuckle, shaking my head in amusement as I plant a wet, sticky kiss on the top of Kash’s head before starting to walk off. “Yeah, no arguments here. Let’s go, champ. Time to get all cleaned up, and then maybe we’ll read a bedtime story, huh?”

Mandy and I exchange one final glance as I head outside of the clubhouse, back to the trailer I share with Shiver. “Thank you,” I mouth, and for once, I mean it with every fiber of my being.

Her words hit me right in the feels, and I have to take a second to compose myself.

Mandy’s kindness and sincerity are a balm to my battered soul, and I find myself wishing, not for the first time, that things could be different between us.

That I could be the kind of man she deserves instead of the broken mess I am.

Lost in thought, my mind drifts to my own mother, locked away in that godforsaken facility back in California.

It’s been too damn long since I’ve seen her, and the guilt gnaws at me like a starving dog on a bone.

I need to get her transferred out here, closer to me and Kash.

She deserves to know her grandson, even if she won’t remember him from one visit to the next.

I walk the short distance back to my and Shiver’s trailer and head inside, heading straight for my room.

I’m new at this dad thing, obviously, but I’m trying my damndest here.

The things that fly out of this kid’s asshole is downright disgusting.

He needs a bath and stat.

Kash, at only a week old, has already amazed me.

He’s pushed me to be a better father than I thought I could be.

I quickly strip him down, careful to avoid the healing umbilical cord that’s dwindling down to nothing.

I fill the sink in my bathroom halfway and begin to bathe him, slow and thorough.

His tiny cries pierce my heart, but I keep talking to him, soothing words of love and promise.

He settles after a few minutes, his big eyes staring up at me with trust as I carefully wash his hair.

“Your mother’s missing out on all this, Kash,” I tell him softly. “She’s missing out on watching you grow, on seeing you smile and laugh . . . but don’t you worry, little man. Daddy has got you.”

I can’t help myself.

I lean down and press a soft kiss on his forehead.

His skin is so warm and smooth against my lips.

By the time he’s clean and swaddled in a fresh diaper and onesie, his little eyelids are drooping, and the energy drain from his earlier tantrum is evident.

I cradle him in my arms, his small body fitting perfectly against my chest, his soft sighs echoing in the quiet room.

“Time for bed, champ,” I whisper, tucking him into the portable crib that’s been set up in the corner of my room.

It ain’t much, but it’s home for now.

I take a minute to watch him sleep, my heart clenching with a fierce protectiveness that’s entirely new to me.

This little guy is mine, all mine, and God help anyone who tries to hurt him.